crispywat Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I have been with my current gf for just over 2 months, things have felt and been amazing but have an issue. She has a male friend who she told me of when we met. I didnt worry but then one night a few weeks back we was both out and she constantly text him which i found strange, first time i have seen this. I did ask but was told they were just asking how each other are etc. I was suspisious so took to facebook then i saw all recent post and pics from him have been liked by her. She says though they are just friends. Since then however she made a comment saying she would meet him without me knowing and planned to meet him, that did fall through as he was away though. but i have since been really worried and done the unthinkable...looked at her phone! she has constant messages and they are flirty on his part, things like..."you can talk to me day or night you know this" and lots of kisses on messages, night night sweet heart etc....a bit much for a friend. Her messages i admit arent as flirty but i dont think this is good behaviour from him. I questioned her again Saturday and was told that she does love him but not in a romance way...where does that leave me ? I looked back on a few messages again and my heart sank again as i saw messages from him "why are you up so late though im not complaining that you are" this shouldnt be happening should i be worried ? I really love her but i find it hard to deal with this and it turns my stomach, though i admit i have made this happen myself by looking at her phone messages . Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Her having a male friend isn't an issue. But her not creating a firm boundary with him is. She should be telling him "I don't like when you call me sweetheart and putting kisses on messages. It's not appropriate." If he's a good friend, she should be able to create and enforce these boundaries with him. If she can't or won't, that tells you something. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author crispywat Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 thanks for reply, I understand this means i have to tell her i have looked at her phone though now. Its all very strange why she is doing this as iknow she was single ages and they could of got together but didnt , thats a blessing i guess , i dont want to lose her Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 She should definitely enforce those boundaries. If she values your relationship, she should do that on her own. It's inappropriate to be so affectionate with a friend. Yes he could be a brother type to her, but that has to be clear. She also shouldn't be hanging out with him without you, because you are in a relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crispywat Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 well i have decided to approach the subject via text and she wasnt too happy saying she feels like she is always having to defend herself to me , she loves him like a friend as she would some of her female friends.....she also said he doesnt flirt at all but i would consider texts saying that he isnt complaining that shes not asleep is...and good night sweet dreams is too much for a "friend" but i cant seemingly do much about it Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 It's been my experience and those of my friends (men and women)... When someone has to explain their "friends" to you and give them labels ("good" friend), not good. In almost every instance of my friends and I, "good" friends meant at that specific moment in time they were "friends". Eventually turned into something different that required both of them to take off their clothes off and wrestle together. When I say "good" friend, I mean a friend she is honest and open with, versus an acquaintance who she keeps emotionally distant from. Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 I dunno...When someone tells me that they are "just friends" with someone, the fact that they need to emphasize the "just" part of that phrase means that there's something else to it. Doesn't mean sex but it could mean really bad boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Dump the woman! This problem will only get worse Link to post Share on other sites
Author crispywat Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 well we have had a chat and she has assured me all is just friends, is all in my head and they havent met up, they only text i know about twice a week (though the conversations last about ten texts) and she doesnt do it when out with me on a date etc. I guess i perhaps over reacted to this and should trust her, she did to be fair tell me she had this male friend at the start of our relationship and she has known him over ten years, so i guess she wouldnt of been on dating sites etc as i know she was prior to our relationship if she had interest in this chap. I will have to just accept they have a close friendship. Hopefully he gets a gf then it will go quieter Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I have been with my current gf for just over 2 months, things have felt and been amazing but have an issue. She has a male friend who she told me of when we met. I didnt worry but then one night a few weeks back we was both out and she constantly text him which i found strange, first time i have seen this. I did ask but was told they were just asking how each other are etc. I was suspisious so took to facebook then i saw all recent post and pics from him have been liked by her. She says though they are just friends. Since then however she made a comment saying she would meet him without me knowing and planned to meet him, that did fall through as he was away though. but i have since been really worried and done the unthinkable...looked at her phone! she has constant messages and they are flirty on his part, things like..."you can talk to me day or night you know this" and lots of kisses on messages, night night sweet heart etc....a bit much for a friend. Her messages i admit arent as flirty but i dont think this is good behaviour from him. I questioned her again Saturday and was told that she does love him but not in a romance way...where does that leave me ? I looked back on a few messages again and my heart sank again as i saw messages from him "why are you up so late though im not complaining that you are" this shouldnt be happening should i be worried ? I really love her but i find it hard to deal with this and it turns my stomach, though i admit i have made this happen myself by looking at her phone messages . I would be worried too. I would never tolerate someone that I am with speaking, texting in such a way. Is he an ex? Especially if he's an ex! Ask her to respect boundaries and that such behavior is dangerous at best. Also, you have little control over what the guy texts or says, but you can ask your gf to tell this other guys that there needs to be clear boundaries. Some people are very poor about setting boundaries, you'd be amazed. Mature adults who don't realize that contacting other men/women or exes is not a healthy thing to do if one is trying to establish a relationship with someone else. I made the mistake of doing this once and that relationship didn't work. I realized, for her, that my contact with my ex was intolerable after a while. At first she tried to understand and accept, but how could she continue to??? I didn't blame her. DO NOT ALLOW THOSE YOU DATE TO MAINTAIN PAST RELATIONSHIPS THAT YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH. LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF. I am convinced that any person that feels that it's okay to have such relationships does so at the SO's expense. Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I dunno...When someone tells me that they are "just friends" with someone, the fact that they need to emphasize the "just" part of that phrase means that there's something else to it. Doesn't mean sex but it could mean really bad boundaries. Exactly. The 'just' qualifier is always the give-away. She knows that there's more to it than that, and is projecting that into a perception of concern and is already feeling guilty about it. He's a threat and she's anticipating that the guy she's dating will think he's a threat, too. Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 well we have had a chat and she has assured me all is just friends, is all in my head and they havent met up, they only text i know about twice a week (though the conversations last about ten texts) and she doesnt do it when out with me on a date etc. I guess i perhaps over reacted to this and should trust her, she did to be fair tell me she had this male friend at the start of our relationship and she has known him over ten years, so i guess she wouldnt of been on dating sites etc as i know she was prior to our relationship if she had interest in this chap. I will have to just accept they have a close friendship. Hopefully he gets a gf then it will go quieter She hasn't even met this guy and they text like this? WTF? If you've raised objections and she just swats them away, then you can meekly and wussily accept that your gf is seeking emotional comfort from this dude, or you can man up and walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 Invite him to go out with the two of you, saying you want to get to know all of her friends since you are dating now. Offer to introduce her to your friends as well. Any good looking women you could introduce him to? Link to post Share on other sites
white_bass87 Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 I had a much different situation from you here because I got screwed over by my "friend". It's really a difficult thing when you do love her...maybe I am screwed up by my ordeal, but I honestly would see how this plays out from a learning perspective. Whatever happens don't let that sh*t appear to bother you because it won't help if either 1. something is happening or 2. nothing is happening at all. my 0.02 Link to post Share on other sites
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