How do quit being needy/clingy? I am ruining potential relationships!

[enchanted771]

Before I explain my situation, if there are any books related to my situation (needy, clingy perhaps codependent) then please post.

 

 

Here is the thing. I always thought I picked the wrong guys and perhaps its a combo of picking the wrong guys and me being needy or just me being needy and you know if you appear desperate guys will not respect you or try and do any work anymore.

 

 

It seems I do fine, up until a month into dating someone. We start spending a lot of time together, maybe a weekend even and then I start getting really emotional and hooked. In turn, this starts to make the guy back off (like the rubber band effect). How do I stop this behavior? believe me I have tried to say I am going to just play it cool, etc and then I start to get paranoid. Instead of just going with the flow, and taking things easy. And also guys get turned off if your not busy and just solely into them.

 

 

I had this guy trying to meet up with me for 5 months. We were just both so busy, and he travels a lot for work. Well we finally met up, and after we spent this weekend together, I started getting soooo needy and clingy. He wasn't respecting me as much anymore, etc.

 

 

Given, I haven't scared him off completely. He is in Europe and texted me the other day and sent me some pictures. I know that if I wanted nothing to do with someone I sure as heck wouldn't do that. But I think the damage is already done with him, and I made myself look too desperate and clingy, so were probably just going to remain friends.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

No the damage is not done that's your neediness talking!! He wouldn't send u those pics otherwise.. Come on reign this in x pull back a bit let him chase u.. It's not too late x

[blueskyday]

How about you figure out what's behind it? It may be as simple as you wanting a lot of togetherness and closeness with somebody. There's nothing wrong with that. You just need to find your match.

 

I find a lot of guys who are afraid of commitment throw around the " I don't want a needy girl" line as soon as the two people start getting close. It's normal to get close and stay close. That's the evolution of a healthy relationship.

 

That said, if you feel you are excessively needy, then ask what's behind it. Maybe you just need a lot of reassurance. Or maybe you just like to spend a lot of time with somebody. Perhaps you like to know where the relationship is going and like a certain amount of certainty.

 

I'm that way myself. And now I'm with a guy who likes to be together a lot. Likes to know where the relationship is going and drives it forward himself. It's so nice not to have to worry about being needy or clingy. With this guy we are moving towards each other all the time.

 

When I dated guys before in the past who didn't want a lot of closeness, I felt insecure and clingy because I needed more than that. Don't worry too much about you being a certain way. Think about whether or not he meets your needs.

Edited April 21, 2014 by blueskyday

[milanlover]

You know, just accept yourself! I hate it so much that people turning the desire for closeness into something abnormal and undesirable! I mean, if things are going well and you both like each other, it's normal that you want to be close and spend more time with each other, right??

 

I think the feeling of one being needy is a result of different levels of interest. When you are sure about your feelings, the guy is not. So the more you show, the more he pulls back.

 

It's not too late! Just take a step back and think that everything is normal! If you don't even accept yourself, who can?? And even if you screw it this time, then screw it! Your life doesn't begin with him and hell no it won't end with him either! There are tons of good guys out there who are more compatible with you in terms of wanting to get close! Who even wants you more than you want him!

 

I was dating this guy for almost 2 months. It was going okay until I realized that I hated myself when I was with him. I mean he turned me into this clingy girl who wanted attention because he wasn't responsive enough and he treated me not the way I wanted to be treated. Then I dropped it! I didn't need it anymore! It wasn't my fault! We were just not compatible!

 

So don't stress it on yourself too much! Live your life and be happy! Things will change, trust me

[jphcbpa]

You know, just accept yourself! I hate it so much that people turning the desire for closeness into something abnormal and undesirable! I mean, if things are going well and you both like each other, it's normal that you want to be close and spend more time with each other, right??

 

I think the feeling of one being needy is a result of different levels of interest. When you are sure about your feelings, the guy is not. So the more you show, the more he pulls back.

 

It's not too late! Just take a step back and think that everything is normal! If you don't even accept yourself, who can?? And even if you screw it this time, then screw it! Your life doesn't begin with him and hell no it won't end with him either! There are tons of good guys out there who are more compatible with you in terms of wanting to get close! Who even wants you more than you want him!

 

I was dating this guy for almost 2 months. It was going okay until I realized that I hated myself when I was with him. I mean he turned me into this clingy girl who wanted attention because he wasn't responsive enough and he treated me not the way I wanted to be treated. Then I dropped it! I didn't need it anymore! It wasn't my fault! We were just not compatible!

 

So don't stress it on yourself too much! Live your life and be happy! Things will change, trust me

 

I think this is good advice, but if you see a pattern in your life then it is worth talking about it, learning from it and working on taking this and bettering yourself. Grow from it and take the shame out of it. Perhaps you have some fear of abandonment work that needs to be addressed?

[Gaeta]

Before I explain my situation, if there are any books related to my situation (needy, clingy perhaps codependent) then please post.

Not necessarily a book about neediness but definitely an all around book on personal development and how to rationalize and have control over these feelings: 'The Giant Within' from Anthony Robbins.

 

 

It seems I do fine, up until a month into dating someone. We start spending a lot of time together, maybe a weekend even and then I start getting really emotional and hooked. In turn, this starts to make the guy back off (like the rubber band effect). How do I stop this behavior?

By not going from 2 dates a week to spending whole weekends together. One month is too fast to be spending your entire weekend with someone. You need to go gradually. You know this is where you get all bent out of shape so try to manage it differently.

 

 

believe me I have tried to say I am going to just play it cool, etc and then I start to get paranoid. Instead of just going with the flow, and taking things easy. And also guys get turned off if your not busy and just solely into them.

When you will manage your dating time better you will not feel insecure. When you will spend your entire weekend with your guy it's because you will be in an established exclusive relationship and you know the feelings are mutual. You should not give your entire weekend to a man you are playing cool, or go with the flow, with. Spending weekends together is for your boyfriend.

 

 

I had this guy trying to meet up with me for 5 months. We were just both so busy, and he travels a lot for work. Well we finally met up, and after we spent this weekend together, I started getting soooo needy and clingy. He wasn't respecting me as much anymore, etc.

Like I said, this is just a dude you don't even date and you gave him your entire weekend. No wonder you feel insecure. Why did you invest so much of yourself, and so much of your time, into someone you're not even dating?

[Sunfire73]

I read one dating coach said that being needy is not bad, being clingy is. We all have relationship needs, the need to be together, it's just different with every couple. Important thing is to gradually build it. You don't want to crush and burn. You gradually build the relationship by getting to know each other more. Once you know more about each other, you establish your needs of how often you want to see each other. Naturally, once you find out more about the other person, you get closer to them. You open up to one another, and the relationship progresses.

 

Being clingy on the other hand, shows insecurity and control. You don't want to be that person who just have his/her life built on the other person alone. You have to be stable, confident, happy and content by yourself and with all other areas of your life aside from a date. You get into a relationship only because you are capable of giving something, like love, time, energy and not because you don't want to be alone.

[atlg8r]

Couple questions: What is your age? Are you sleeping with these men right away?

 

If you are having sex too soon, I can understand the clingy feeling.

 

If you are young, it may be okay to "screw up" some of these relationships. Have to experience life and people to learn what is truly important to you, what you need and who you are/what you have to offer others.

 

I was very clingy and needy with many of the men I dated in the past, but once I met my fiance, I was not that way at all! He is the first man who has ever made me truly feel like his No. 1 priority. I never worry if he loves me or if he will be there and be loyal.

 

So, maybe you just haven't met the "right" person for you yet. But, I also learned over my life to love myself and know that I didn't "need" a man to complete my life. A good relationship should complement your life, not make your life.

[enchanted771]

How about you figure out what's behind it? It may be as simple as you wanting a lot of togetherness and closeness with somebody. There's nothing wrong with that. You just need to find your match.

 

I find a lot of guys who are afraid of commitment throw around the " I don't want a needy girl" line as soon as the two people start getting close. It's normal to get close and stay close. That's the evolution of a healthy relationship.

 

That said, if you feel you are excessively needy, then ask what's behind it. Maybe you just need a lot of reassurance. Or maybe you just like to spend a lot of time with somebody. Perhaps you like to know where the relationship is going and like a certain amount of certainty.

 

I'm that way myself. And now I'm with a guy who likes to be together a lot. Likes to know where the relationship is going and drives it forward himself. It's so nice not to have to worry about being needy or clingy. With this guy we are moving towards each other all the time.

 

When I dated guys before in the past who didn't want a lot of closeness, I felt insecure and clingy because I needed more than that. Don't worry too much about you being a certain way. Think about whether or not he meets your needs.

Your right too. When I was with him, we would get close (emotionally). But he just doesnt give me enough of his time. I think he is being selfish. He is into his business and trying to build that up so he works nonstop. But I dont feel that is fair. I guess if he is willing to lose me over it though, then he cant really like me that much after all.

[enchanted771]

You know, just accept yourself! I hate it so much that people turning the desire for closeness into something abnormal and undesirable! I mean, if things are going well and you both like each other, it's normal that you want to be close and spend more time with each other, right??

 

I think the feeling of one being needy is a result of different levels of interest. When you are sure about your feelings, the guy is not. So the more you show, the more he pulls back.

 

It's not too late! Just take a step back and think that everything is normal! If you don't even accept yourself, who can?? And even if you screw it this time, then screw it! Your life doesn't begin with him and hell no it won't end with him either! There are tons of good guys out there who are more compatible with you in terms of wanting to get close! Who even wants you more than you want him!

 

I was dating this guy for almost 2 months. It was going okay until I realized that I hated myself when I was with him. I mean he turned me into this clingy girl who wanted attention because he wasn't responsive enough and he treated me not the way I wanted to be treated. Then I dropped it! I didn't need it anymore! It wasn't my fault! We were just not compatible!

 

So don't stress it on yourself too much! Live your life and be happy! Things will change, trust me

Yes, this is true. We might not be compatible as far as what we both want. Or, have two different ideas about how much effort should be given in a relationship. He is putting himself first. When i am with someone, i can be supportive if someone is focusing on their career or what not. Heck, I have my own life too. I dont even expect to see someone more than 2-3 days a week honestly. Thats as much effort as I can put in. But seems that its not consistent with us. When i first started seeing him, i was ok with once a week. He was the one who wanted to see me more often. That was until I started getting too emotional. But, yeah maybe i just need to stop stressing so much. If its meant to be, it will be if its not then it wont. If a guy wants something he knows how to make it happen.

[enchanted771]

Couple questions: What is your age? Are you sleeping with these men right away?

 

If you are having sex too soon, I can understand the clingy feeling.

 

If you are young, it may be okay to "screw up" some of these relationships. Have to experience life and people to learn what is truly important to you, what you need and who you are/what you have to offer others.

 

I was very clingy and needy with many of the men I dated in the past, but once I met my fiance, I was not that way at all! He is the first man who has ever made me truly feel like his No. 1 priority. I never worry if he loves me or if he will be there and be loyal.

 

So, maybe you just haven't met the "right" person for you yet. But, I also learned over my life to love myself and know that I didn't "need" a man to complete my life. A good relationship should complement your life, not make your life.

Not young...I am in my early 40's. I didnt sleep with him right away maybe date 2 though so that was too soon. We knew each other for months before we started dating, but still. I know I dont need a man, but if I am not seeing him on a conistent basis, then to me that isnt even complimenting my life. The whole point is to go out and do fun things together on a regular basis (even if it is once a week!).

[Gaeta]

Not young...I am in my early 40's. I didnt sleep with him right away maybe date 2 though so that was too soon. We knew each other for months before we started dating, but still. I know I dont need a man, but if I am not seeing him on a conistent basis, then to me that isnt even complimenting my life. The whole point is to go out and do fun things together on a regular basis (even if it is once a week!).

 

I am confused. In your original post you said you tried to get together for 5 months, now you're talking about dating him....clarification please.

[enchanted771]

Not necessarily a book about neediness but definitely an all around book on personal development and how to rationalize and have control over these feelings: 'The Giant Within' from Anthony Robbins.

 

 

By not going from 2 dates a week to spending whole weekends together. One month is too fast to be spending your entire weekend with someone. You need to go gradually. You know this is where you get all bent out of shape so try to manage it differently.

 

 

When you will manage your dating time better you will not feel insecure. When you will spend your entire weekend with your guy it's because you will be in an established exclusive relationship and you know the feelings are mutual. You should not give your entire weekend to a man you are playing cool, or go with the flow, with. Spending weekends together is for your boyfriend.

 

 

Like I said, this is just a dude you don't even date and you gave him your entire weekend. No wonder you feel insecure. Why did you invest so much of yourself, and so much of your time, into someone you're not even dating?

Good question. Well, because when were together we have fun and enjoy each others company. We went out a few times that weekend. You have a point though, I should only be doing that with someone whom i am in a relationship with. We really felt like a couple that weekend, so it really wasnt fair. But I knew he wasnt my boyfriend, but someone i am casually dating. Might have even been less than a month. He had stayed over at my house the night before, and I didnt have plans, so the next day we went out to lunch. Then I just never went back home and we ended up going out that night too. It was spontaneous.

[enchanted771]

I am confused. In your original post you said you tried to get together for 5 months, now you're talking about dating him....clarification please.

We were friends for months before we went out on a date.

[enchanted771]

No the damage is not done that's your neediness talking!! He wouldn't send u those pics otherwise.. Come on reign this in x pull back a bit let him chase u.. It's not too late x

Thanks i have decided to give him some space. He contacted me on Easter. He will be there for another 1.5 weeks so I am going to let him enjoy his vacation. IF he is thinking of me, and wants to talk then he will reach out. Otherwise, we will talk when he returns. I need to feel the interest is equal, and the way to do that is to pull back a bit for a while. If he isnt reaching out to me then I know its passive.

[Phantom888]

There is a healthy level of neediness. Then there is the destructive level. Try to get into more hobbies and make yourself busy. Learn something productive. People tend to be clingy when they are bored, so occupy your time elsewhere! This is the most effective way to stop yourself from being too clingy.

[enchanted771]

There is a healthy level of neediness. Then there is the destructive level. Try to get into more hobbies and make yourself busy. Learn something productive. People tend to be clingy when they are bored, so occupy your time elsewhere! This is the most effective way to stop yourself from being too clingy.

Agree with you. I am dying to text him, but I am just going to let him enjoy his vacation. If he really wanted to talk to me, he would have reached out to me. But he hasnt since the weekend so i am going to just let him be.

[enchanted771]

You know, just accept yourself! I hate it so much that people turning the desire for closeness into something abnormal and undesirable! I mean, if things are going well and you both like each other, it's normal that you want to be close and spend more time with each other, right??

 

I think the feeling of one being needy is a result of different levels of interest. When you are sure about your feelings, the guy is not. So the more you show, the more he pulls back.

 

It's not too late! Just take a step back and think that everything is normal! If you don't even accept yourself, who can?? And even if you screw it this time, then screw it! Your life doesn't begin with him and hell no it won't end with him either! There are tons of good guys out there who are more compatible with you in terms of wanting to get close! Who even wants you more than you want him!

 

I was dating this guy for almost 2 months. It was going okay until I realized that I hated myself when I was with him. I mean he turned me into this clingy girl who wanted attention because he wasn't responsive enough and he treated me not the way I wanted to be treated. Then I dropped it! I didn't need it anymore! It wasn't my fault! We were just not compatible!

 

So don't stress it on yourself too much! Live your life and be happy! Things will change, trust me

Update: decided he ISNT worth it. He ignores half my texts, doesnt ask to see me on a weekend in over 2 months. Always too " busy" for me except when his schedule allows. So, have decided next time he reaches out to me (text) I will not be responding. Well, maybe 2 days later but really just had it with the excuses, lack of effort, etc. I know when a guy is into a girl, he isnt going to want to take a chance of anyone else taking her. Well, i was being too available but in any case, he has kind of made no effort to see me, and I dont feel his interest level in me is too high. Scale of 1-10 perhaps a 4. I know part of it was because I was just too available, but his behavior toward me wasnt respectful. So its time to respect myself and kick him to the curb. I dont think he will ever act right.

 

Anytime i would try and discuss anything serious, he was always in a meeting. So he just sweeps it under the rug and if i press, then he will keep ignoring until i drop it which could be 2-4 days.