Roommate cheated on her boyfriend, My boyfriend hates her now

[lamaga]

I know you guys have been quite doubtful about my relationship over the past few months, but I'd love to get some input from you on this one.

 

My relationship has been blossoming. We've become real close, he calls me only by my nickname now, introduced me to all his friends, calls me his girlfriend, is affectionate in public despite having said in the beginning he hates PDA, is always there for me when I need him, wants to be with me 24/7, has started building me a flowerbed-construct for my balcony, repairs things for me, talks to me about everything, listens, is sensible, everything I could wish for.

WE are very happy and last week he asked me if I wanted to go to Paris with him in 2 months. Things couldn't be better.

 

Now... three weeks ago I professed my love to him. It was an impulse and he didn't reply anything. He held me and became more affectionate as days went by. Not a big deal, I thought, since I know from mutual friends he is more the slow guy when it comes to opening up. He told me that this has a lot to do with his ex having been a major B during their relationship and up to this day, one year later.

 

Lately I have had some problems with my roommate (she cheated on her boyfriend) and my BF and me know about this and are very irritated by her, since we both really like her boyfriend. Now, ever since this happened my BF doesn't like to be in my apartment so much anymore, he feels I am too 'nice' to my roommate and shouldn't be comforting her in her sadness over her having cheated and not knowing what to do (to tell her boyfriend about it or not). Of course I and my BF urge her to tell, but she just won't and it is draining for our friendship but also for MY relationship for some reason.

 

Yesterday BF and me went to a easter dinner with some of his friends and roommate texted me. I left the room to text back. BF came to check on me and saw I was crying, he comforted me and said he would like to come sleep at mine tonight to be there for me, then took the phone away and said I shouldn't bother text 'that slut' roommate back and have fun right now instead.

 

On our way home I told him I had to talk to roommate first thing when I get home, since she texted she was in tears and in need of advice. BF said he would rather go to his place then and come over later when things have calmed. 15 Minutes after I got home and had consoled roommate, BF texted he was too tired to come over. I was very disappointed, since he knew that this was a moment where I needed him, and he had offered earlier to be there for me, even.

 

This morning I texted him and said I was really disappointed he wouldn't be there for me when I needed some support last night. I wrote that I loved him very much and I wanted him to come by and bring breakfast. He called me up and said he would drop by in an hour (that was 45 minutes ago).

 

This is a big mess.

 

Firstly:

I feel as if this whole thing with my roommate is making things very difficult for my relationship. My roommate is also my best friend and her boyfriend is a super sweet guy, who my BF gets along with great. My BF is a very loyal guy with very strong family values and he lately started to betitle my roommate and best friend as a 'bitch' and 'slut' for her behaviour. He said he can't look at her anymore and he doesn't want to hang out with her boyfriend anymore because he feels awkward about knowing something he doesn't. Of course I think he wasn't just tired last night - he didn't want to come over because of HER.

 

Secondly: I said it again.. that I loved him. In a stupid text. I can't take it back. I feel like a fool for coming on so strong. But I had to write it, I feel what I feel and I just don't want to keep back my feelings anymore. I feel this whole situation with my roommate makes me want to cling to my boyfriend more because I am scared to lose him whilst taking my roommate's side.

 

When he comes over I need to say something, need to do something. I don't want this to do downhill.

Does anybody have some advice as to how to best deal with this situation?

I don't want to have to choose between roommate and BF.

And I don't want him to hate her.

I am hoping that if she tells her boyfriend and he forgives her things will be better, but she just keeps crying, saying she can't tell him because she is scared he will leave her.

 

I am passively involved and yet this is actively pulling me down.

What should I do?

[TaraMaiden]

In a nutshell, I'm afraid your BF is right.

Her relationship with her BF is none of your business, and you're getting too involved with it.

 

If she has chosen to cheat on her BF, that was her decision, and she has to live with the consequences.

This is not for you to carry for her.

 

She is emotionally leeching you; she has occupied your thinking to the point of becoming an interference between you and your own BF.

 

You don't have to choose between her and your BF. Just tell her to sort her own problems and not involve you.

 

Furthermore, what your BF feels for her is his business, and you have no right to want him to feel differently, because that would just be done to make you feel better.

he can think what he likes about her.

 

Frankly, his opinion of her is made worse by the fact that you side with her and support her - he resents that, and that's reflected in how he feels about her!

 

The problem is - you have PUT yourself in the middle.

 

it's up to you to get out of that position.

 

Tell your roommate that you love her to bits - but that your respect for her is at an all-time low because you know and like her BF too. How she has treated him is pretty low and frankly, she deserves the consequences of her actions.

 

Which is the truth.

After that, tell her you don't want to be involved any more and whatever she does is her decision.

 

Then tell your BF that you have withdrawn from the situation, and he has every right to say something if you ever mention it again (unless he does first)!

[Gaeta]

My BF is a very loyal guy with very strong family values and he lately started to betitle my roommate and best friend as a 'bitch' and 'slut' for her behaviour. He said he can't look at her anymore and he doesn't want to hang out with her boyfriend anymore because he feels awkward about knowing something he doesn't.

 

Having strong morals and family values does not make you jury and judge of other people's life. Your roommate personal affairs regards no one but herself and her boyfriend. I would NEVER let my boyfriend call my friend names because he improvises himself the judge of morality. He doesn't want to come over anymore? fine! he can stay at his house. I would tell him to watch his mouth when he speaks about my friends.

[anna121]

Hm. Lots going on here. I can't help but notice that you only referred to your roommate as your "best friend" at the very end of the post. I found that a bit odd, since if I was living with my best friend I wouldn't refer to her as my roommate. But, whatever.

 

You can't change your BF's feelings. He's entitled to feel any way he wants about her. Her behaviour seems pretty appalling and, especially if he likes her BF, he's going to have some strong emotions.

 

I think it is probably better for your BF NOT to be around your best friend right now, since he feels so strongly about her. You shouldn't be pushing that. Of course, he should treat her civilly when he does see her, but I would be avoiding problems by keeping them apart as much as possible.

 

Why were you crying after texting with her? He might justifiably think that you are far too involved in her drama. Some people feel really strongly about affairs, and that can spill over into people they regard as enabling affairs or enabling cheaters. That's a risk you are taking by being around her so much right now.

 

I think you are within your rights to ask him not to call her nasty names in your presence. Just say it makes you uncomfortable and you'd appreciate if he wouldn't do that.

 

As for the "love" issue, it's true that some guys feel it long before they say it, I really find it a red flag that he hasn't one month out from your own declaration. His excuse of his B of a girlfriend is a cop out, quite frankly. But, there's not much you can do about that either.

 

So, bottom line - don't expect the situation to get much better as long as you are living with someone he despises. I think you need to find ways to spend time with him outside your apt, and give your friend support without getting too drawn into her stuff.

[Gaeta]

I agree with your general idea except for this.

 

Why would her respect for her friend drop? It's not up to her to judge that girl's situation. As a true friend her job is to listen and to tell her to do the right thing. It's certainly not to make her feel even worse about the situation by acting like a priest holding holy water over her head. And you think the boyfriend calling her friend names is ok? and it's 'his right' to have a judgmental speech in front of OP and put her friend down?

 

Not very Buddhist of you.

 

 

Tell your roommate that you love her to bits - but that your respect for her is at an all-time low because you know and like her BF too. How she has treated him is pretty low and frankly, she deserves the consequences of her actions.

 

Which is the truth.

After that, tell her you don't want to be involved any more and whatever she does is her decision.

 

Then tell your BF that you have withdrawn from the situation, and he has every right to say something if you ever mention it again (unless he does first)!

[Emilia]

I agree with your general idea except for this.

 

Why would her respect for her friend drop? It's not up to her to judge that girl's situation. As a true friend her job is to listen and to tell her to do the right thing. It's certainly not to make her feel even worse about the situation by acting like a priest holding holy water over her head. And you think the boyfriend calling her friend names is ok? and it's 'his right' to have a judgmental speech in front of OP and put her friend down?

 

Not very Buddhist of you.

I agree with TM 100%. By they way OP, I've always said your boyfriend was a great guy, even when others doubted it. I think you put too much pressure on the relationship, that's the real problem.

 

But to address the post above: my respect would drop. I don't believe unconditionally supporting a friend and not judging. When you have moral values and someone crosses them, you judge them for it, otherwise they are not hard boundaries, are they? If a friend did something like this, they would get a bollocking for it, not support. I wouldn't call them names but I would not pretend that they weren't being judged. I would judge a boyfriend so why not a friend? I don't see the difference.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree with your general idea except for this.

 

Why would her respect for her friend drop?

Why wouldn't it?

 

It's not up to her to judge that girl's situation.

Oh please - she already has!!

 

As a true friend her job is to listen and to tell her to do the right thing.

If she advises the 'right' thing, she must have made a judgement call!

 

It's certainly not to make her feel even worse about the situation by acting like a priest holding holy water over her head.

Actually, what I also advised is moving away form the situation and telling her friend that her choices carried consequences and that they were up to her.

Pretty non-judgemental - or did you miss that bit....?

 

And you think the boyfriend calling her friend names is ok? and it's 'his right' to have a judgmental speech in front of OP and put her friend down?

I merely passed comment on his opinions, and how he is entitled to have them; but that they're also probably coloured by her own attitude towards the room-mate/friend.

 

Not very Buddhist of you.

 

Oh don't be utterly ludicrous.

This makes me so phekkin' mad, people show their complete ignorance with comments of this level....

 

What the hell do you know about how a Buddhist is supposed to behave, in comparison to a Hindu/Muslim/Christian/Jew? Because you sure wouldn't have asked me that if I was anything other than buddhist...

 

, because I'm a Buddhist, I'm supposed to be so much better-behaved than anyone from any other religion??

 

Buddhists have just as much right as any other person to state what they think. You believe simply because I'm Buddhist, everything has to be wrapped in sweetness, glowing reference and generosity?

 

Jeesh, get real....

[Gaeta]

But to address the post above: my respect would drop. I don't believe unconditionally supporting a friend and not judging. When you have moral values and someone crosses them, you judge them for it, otherwise they are not hard boundaries, are they? If a friend did something like this, they would get a bollocking for it, not support. I wouldn't call them names but I would not pretend that they weren't being judged. I would judge a boyfriend so why not a friend? I don't see the difference.

 

The friend did not fault OP, she fault her boyfriend. If my friend told me she cheated on her boyfriend she would have an ear full, but then I would be done with it. I would listen and encourage her to do the right thing but my love for her would stay intact and I would certainly not look down on her.

 

This is a battle I know I won't win in a forum full of Americans. I was born and raised Catholic and we are taught at a young age to NOT judge others. It's not our role to play God. Mother Theresa fed and loved everyone with the same love, the thief and the criminals included.

[lamaga]

I agree with your general idea except for this.

 

Why would her respect for her friend drop? It's not up to her to judge that girl's situation. As a true friend her job is to listen and to tell her to do the right thing. It's certainly not to make her feel even worse about the situation by acting like a priest holding holy water over her head. And you think the boyfriend calling her friend names is ok? and it's 'his right' to have a judgmental speech in front of OP and put her friend down?

 

Not very Buddhist of you.

 

 

Well, to be honest, the past few days I have ignored her a lot. But last night she just kept calling me and when I came home she greeted me in tears and just fell into my arms. I think she needed to know that I am there for her, and so I told her. But I also made clear to her that if she doesn't confess to her boyfriend things will ono get worse for her relationship, and also for our friendship, because I find it hard to live with the knowledge of what happened and facing her boyfriend every day. Perhaps I am a bit more calm than my BF is - he said he can barely look at her, and decided he wants to ignore her from now on.

I understand his reaction but still, I feel so very betrayed myself by my roommate, for drawing me into her drama. It's not fair.

 

You are all right, I need to remove myself from the situation somewhat.

I also don't like it when my BF calls my roommate names, but I also know him and can understand he feels so strongly due to him having been hurt in the past...

 

 

 

Hm. Lots going on here. I can't help but notice that you only referred to your roommate as your "best friend" at the very end of the post. I found that a bit odd, since if I was living with my best friend I wouldn't refer to her as my roommate. But, whatever.

 

You can't change your BF's feelings. He's entitled to feel any way he wants about her. Her behaviour seems pretty appalling and, especially if he likes her BF, he's going to have some strong emotions.

 

I think it is probably better for your BF NOT to be around your best friend right now, since he feels so strongly about her. You shouldn't be pushing that. Of course, he should treat her civilly when he does see her, but I would be avoiding problems by keeping them apart as much as possible.

 

Why were you crying after texting with her? He might justifiably think that you are far too involved in her drama. Some people feel really strongly about affairs, and that can spill over into people they regard as enabling affairs or enabling cheaters. That's a risk you are taking by being around her so much right now.

 

I think you are within your rights to ask him not to call her nasty names in your presence. Just say it makes you uncomfortable and you'd appreciate if he wouldn't do that.

 

As for the "love" issue, it's true that some guys feel it long before they say it, I really find it a red flag that he hasn't one month out from your own declaration. His excuse of his B of a girlfriend is a cop out, quite frankly. But, there's not much you can do about that either.

 

So, bottom line - don't expect the situation to get much better as long as you are living with someone he despises. I think you need to find ways to spend time with him outside your apt, and give your friend support without getting too drawn into her stuff.

 

I guess since the incident I feel as if she is more of a roommate than a friend. Simply because her drawing me into her affairs makes me despise her actions (not her, but her actions). I hate it when people can't take responsibility for their actions.

 

And I was crying after texting with her because this whole thing is emotionally draining. He knows how much I care for her and our friendship, so he is sensible enough to realise that this is affecting me quite a lot.

...

 

BTW he still hasn't come over.. he is really taking his time.. jeesh...

[Gaeta]

Buddhists have just as much right as any other person to state what they think. You believe simply because I'm Buddhist, everything has to be wrapped in sweetness, glowing reference and generosity?

 

Jeesh, get real....

No, I honestly thought Buddhist were one step ahead of everybody in terms of not being judgmental.

[kaylan]

I likely wouldnt stay this chicks friend if she kept up such behavior. Especially if she expecting me and my mate to hang around with her and her cuckolded partner. Screw that. I totally understand your boyfriends feeling OP.

 

If the girl wants to be a cheating skank, Id not hold my tongue about how I felt about her either. Id feel within my rights to judge some promiscuous disloyal woman who is dumping emotional baggage on my girlfriend and stressing my gal out to the point of crying.

[Gaeta]

The roommate in emotional distress, she feels guilt over what she did, and all of you would just spit on her. Unbelievable. If she is in so much distress it's because she knows she's done something wrong. She needs a hand to hold to do the right thing. OP if you abandon her, don't expect her to be there for you when your turn comes around.

[kaylan]

Who gives a dang about her guilt when that woman refuses to come clean? I would easily look down on some low quality woman who is stressing my girlfriend and bringing her to tears. Why should I feel any sympathy for someone who weighs down my girlfriend emotionally, and also wants to keep up a lie to a decent guy I know (her bf).

[lamaga]

The roommate in emotional distress, she feels guilt over what she did, and all of you would just spit on her. Unbelievable. If she is in so much distress it's because she knows she's done something wrong. She needs a hand to hold to do the right thing. OP if you abandon her, don't expect her to be there for you when your turn comes around.

 

That's the whole point of it all: I have not abandoned her. I have done nothing but stood by her and reassure her to do the right thing and confess to her boyfriend, and even if it would mean he'd leave her, I would be there for her if he did, and I would comfort her in post-breakup distress. I am a very very VERY loyal friend and I would NEVER betray someone as she did.

The fact that she knows all this makes me wonder if I can trust her with anything at this point. What if she is also disloyal to me? And is she using me only to not be alone?

It makes me really sad to have all these thoughts, which is why I am in tears, and which is why my boyfriend is fed up with the whole situation as well, because it is affecting me so negatively.

 

I want everything to be as it was in the beginning, where my BF, my roommate and her boyfriend can have couples dinners and enjoy each others company.

It seems as if everything is falling apart...

[notserene]

Maybe he is worried that her behavior will subtly influence you in some way?

 

I would try to be supportive of your friend but not get caught up in the drama.

 

People generally don't view cheaters in a positive way. It's just one of the facts of life. I would be especially down on someone who I knew had cheated on a friend of mine.

[lamaga]

Who gives a dang about her guilt when that woman refuses to come clean? I would easily look down on some low quality woman who is stressing my girlfriend and bringing her to tears. Why should I feel any sympathy for someone who weighs down my girlfriend emotionally, and also wants to keep up a lie to a decent guy I know (her bf).

 

Yes, your opinion sound just like my boyfriend. It's very difficult for me to make him understand though HOW hard it is for me to see HER cry!...

[Gaeta]

Who gives a dang about her guilt when that woman refuses to come clean? I would easily look down on some low quality woman who is stressing my girlfriend and bringing her to tears. Why should I feel any sympathy for someone who weighs down my girlfriend emotionally, and also wants to keep up a lie to a decent guy I know (her bf).

The roommate is in the process of telling her boyfriend. That is why she is so emotional, she knows the consequences awaiting for her. She won't be able to live with herself with this guilt much longer.

[kaylan]

That's the whole point of it all: I have not abandoned her. I have done nothing but stood by her and reassure her to do the right thing and confess to her boyfriend, and even if it would mean he'd leave her, I would be there for her if he did, and I would comfort her in post-breakup distress. I am a very very VERY loyal friend and I would NEVER betray someone as she did.

The fact that she knows all this makes me wonder if I can trust her with anything at this point. What if she is also disloyal to me? And is she using me only to not be alone?

It makes me really sad to have all these thoughts, which is why I am in tears, and which is why my boyfriend is fed up with the whole situation as well, because it is affecting me so negatively.

 

I want everything to be as it was in the beginning, where my BF, my roommate and her boyfriend can have couples dinners and enjoy each others company.

It seems as if everything is falling apart...

Op, just take yourself out of her situation.

 

Tell her straight up

 

"look...your my best friend, and you know Ive always had your back. But this situation is very stressful, and I dont know how to even look at your boyfriend or be around him if you cant be honest about what you did. My boyfriend has been acting weird lately too, so he seems affected by this as well.

 

This is just different for me...because I wouldnt have expected you to do all this. This all said, I feel I need to seperate my self from the situation. Ive told you how I feel and what I think you should do...and if youre not able to do the right thing, I just cant be apart of the situation. It doesnt mean Im not your friend, and it doesnt mean I dont care about you...it just means I cannot let this situation stress me or my relationship"

 

You can say that or something similar. Personally Im very matter of fact with my friends if they do something I dislike. And my friends and I are blunt with each other after a bit of consoling. Basically we allow one another to get everything out in the open...and after advice is given, if the other party ignores the advice, the advisers step back and basically say "look, Im here for you bro...but Ive told you what I think. We cant keep rehashing this or staying stuck on it"

[Emilia]

Maybe he is worried that her behavior will subtly influence you in some way?

 

I would try to be supportive of your friend but not get caught up in the drama.

 

People generally don't view cheaters in a positive way. It's just one of the facts of life. I would be especially down on someone who I knew had cheated on a friend of mine.

Yes, bet you that's part of it.

 

Who cares about a cheater? She made her own bed (quite literally in this case). All the crying and emotional stuff from someone that betrayed another human being is pathetic.

[TaraMaiden]

No, I honestly thought Buddhist were one step ahead of everybody in terms of not being judgmental.

 

 

We can judge just as much or as little as anyone else.

The trick is to also exercise personal compassion and recognise that every single human being has to endure the 4Noble Truths of life, particularly Truth one and Truth 2.

It's a question of detachment and transcending....

 

Look, I'm not going to fly off at a a tangent, derail the thread and go into details because that risks looking like Proselytising, and we definitely don't do THAT!!

 

but actually, I take your above point better than I did your last.

 

Thanks for the reminder. it was well-merited.

[Emilia]

You can say that or something similar. Personally Im very matter of fact with my friends if they do something I dislike. And my friends and I are blunt with each other after a bit of consoling. Basically we allow one another to get everything out in the open...and after advice is given, if the other party ignores the advice, the advisers step back and basically say "look, Im here for you bro...but Ive told you what I think. We cant keep rehashing this or staying stuck on it"

This is why I have mainly male friends, it's how they and I think. Blunt, to the point, cut out the BS. If I see a friend pulling back from bad behaviour I'll be supportive. If see them ignoring advice and get caught up in the drama, I'm not sympathetic.

[Gaeta]

That's the whole point of it all: I have not abandoned her. I have done nothing but stood by her and reassure her to do the right thing and confess to her boyfriend, and even if it would mean he'd leave her, I would be there for her if he did, and I would comfort her in post-breakup distress. I am a very very VERY loyal friend and I would NEVER betray someone as she did.

The fact that she knows all this makes me wonder if I can trust her with anything at this point. What if she is also disloyal to me? And is she using me only to not be alone?

It makes me really sad to have all these thoughts, which is why I am in tears, and which is why my boyfriend is fed up with the whole situation as well, because it is affecting me so negatively.

 

I want everything to be as it was in the beginning, where my BF, my roommate and her boyfriend can have couples dinners and enjoy each others company.

It seems as if everything is falling apart...

 

Do not mix romantic love and friendship. You called her your best friend. Boyfriends come and go, friends are for life.

 

I am old, I have had friends for a life time, we supported each other through everything including cheating and betrayals.

 

25 years ago a dear friend got cheated on by her boyfriend. They split for a while and got back together. They've been married for 20 years now, they have 2 teenagers, they had a very happy life.

 

What if your friend and her boyfriend fix things up? 20 years from now your boyfriend will still call her a slut? Where does he get this energy to resent people for things they have not even done against him.

[kaylan]

Yes, bet you that's part of it.

 

Who cares about a cheater? She made her own bed (quite literally in this case). All the crying and emotional stuff from someone that betrayed another human being is pathetic.

Yup.

 

As a guy who pays close attention to the kind of friends a girl keeps, Id wonder what influence this friend could have on my gf, especially if we ever hit rough patches.

 

A lot of people feel like attracts like...so if you and your bf havent been together that long yet...he may be wondering what youre capable of...especially if he sees you showing a lot of sympathy to your friend.

[kaylan]

This is why I have mainly male friends, it's how they and I think. Blunt, to the point, cut out the BS. If I see a friend pulling back from bad behaviour I'll be supportive. If see them ignoring advice and get caught up in the drama, I'm not sympathetic.

Yeah. I dont understand many women sometimes.

 

Like if my buddy cheated and felt like crap...Id feel sorta bad that he felt like crap. But Id definitely sympathize more with the girl, and Id straight up tell him he fvked up and that she should be honest with his gf. I wouldnt be crying myself or being upset about his relationship.

[Gaeta]

I think many of you are taking this out of context.

 

OP probably has been friends with this young woman for a long time. Doesn't feel like she's a bad girls going around cheating on her every boyfriend. Sounds more like a young woman who did something stupid and is now full of remorse.

 

I am not saying what she did is forgivable.

 

What I am saying is this is a young woman leaning a life lesson the hard way.

 

She needs to do the right thing and to accept the consequences and sometimes we need a friend to take us through that step.