Why do I sabotage?

[D-Lish]

I guess the title is misleading, I know why I sabotage my romantic relationships- I just want to stop doing it.

 

I got divorced going on 8 years ago now, and I haven't had a healthy relationship since then. I really need to get over the baggage I've been lugging around for the last 8 years and let go of the past- it's time. I'm not doing myself any favours by denying myself a healthy relationship because I'm so terrified of getting hurt again.

 

I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life married to my ex. After 10 years together, married for about 2- we hit a rough patch. He cheated, and got another woman pregnant. That's just the background that has led to the lonely life I am living now.

 

It has been 8 years since we split, and I am long over him- but I still remember how bad the pain was- and I've done everything in my power to avoid being vulnerable since then.

 

I've kept repeating the same dating pattern over and over again since then. I've avoided dating compatible men in favour of men I know I won't last with. It's no coincidence that the last 2 men I've dated were transitioning jobs and soon to be moving away. I chose them knowing they were going to leave at some point.

 

On the other hand, I get into these confident periods where I feel like I am ready to be vulnerable- and it scares me so much I sabotage things with appropriate partners rather quickly to avoid being vulnerable. It's all about avoiding ever having to face the kind of pain I felt when my marriage fell apart.

 

I met someone rather suddenly a month ago- I wasn't expecting to have feelings for him. We went on three dates and there wasn't just chemistry- there were real butterflies. I felt genuine "like" for this person. The feeling of being vulnerable was enough to send me into a tailspin, and I basically sabotaged things on our third date. I feel like crap for having done so.

 

I either date people I know there is no danger of getting attached to, or I sabotage things with someone I like as soon as I feel the slightest bit vulnerable.

 

I just want to go back to the person I was before I met my exH. I just want to find a way to let go again and accept being vulnerable.

[frustr8ed]

You need to decide if getting hurt again is worth the risk. It's going to be a 50/50 crap shoot regardless. $#!+ or get off the pot.

 

You can't go back to the person you were before you met your ex. That person doesn't exist anymore. Life experience has changed who you are. Just how it is. The only thing you can do is learn from your past experiences and apply it to the now.

[D-Lish]

You need to decide if getting hurt again is worth the risk. It's going to be a 50/50 crap shoot regardless. $#!+ or get off the pot.

 

You can't go back to the person you were before you met your ex. That person doesn't exist anymore. Life experience has changed who you are. Just how it is. The only thing you can do is learn from your past experiences and apply it to the now.

 

Agreed. At the very least I'd love to be the same person in my romantic relationships that I am in my professional relationships. I thrive professionally. I am calm, cool, collected- and the person everyone comes to for advice and leadership. Even when I am indifferent professionally, I succeed at it, don't even have to try. I'm the same regarding my friendships. I'm the level headed person everyone goes to when they seek advice.

 

I had a bad day at work today- just felt terrible for sabotaging my date and was quiet and standoffish. Because I was in an upset mood, everyone at work acted like the place was going to fall apart. I'm not even the boss- but because I wasn't emotionally present- people got distraught.

 

How can I fail so miserably in my romantic relationships yet be so highly revered and respected professionally? I command a certain respect at work that stems from being so confident, that people naturally look to me to lead. Romantically I just fail over and over again. I learn from my mistakes at work, and I thrive as a result. I'd like to have that kind of confidence in my romantic realm, not sure why there is such a discrepancy.

[Candy_Pants]

You've been through enough hurt, stop continuing the cycle with yourself.

 

I know it seems "strong" to close yourself off, but when you're really honest with yourself you see it's an "out". The truly strong thing is to give yourself a chance at happiness, and realize not everything works, but be able to brush yourself off and try again.

[D-Lish]

You've been through enough hurt, stop continuing the cycle with yourself.

 

I know it seems "strong" to close yourself off, but when you're really honest with yourself you see it's an "out". The truly strong thing is to give yourself a chance at happiness, and realize not everything works, but be able to brush yourself off and try again.

 

I'd love to do that- I just have to get back there. It's almost like an approach of innocence, where you don't know what pain is- so you just approach things naively- and wholeheartedly.

 

I'd love to get back to the aforementioned, but that's never going to happen.

 

Once you've been hurt, you're tainted- you can choose to be bitter, or forge onward. I don't think I'm bitter, it's something worse than that. I have come to resent any man that make me feel vulnerable. I don't want that- I need to know how to get over that.

[hoping2heal]

I'd love to do that- I just have to get back there. It's almost like an approach of innocence, where you don't know what pain is- so you just approach things naively- and wholeheartedly.

 

I'd love to get back to the aforementioned, but that's never going to happen.

 

Once you've been hurt, you're tainted- you can choose to be bitter, or forge onward. I don't think I'm bitter, it's something worse than that. I have come to resent any man that make me feel vulnerable. I don't want that- I need to know how to get over that.

 

Have you tried calling up this man and explaining yourself? The only way you're ever going to get over your adversity to being vulnerable is to actually do it.

 

Will this guy understand? I hope so. Understand does not mean he will necessarily be willing to give it a go but at least he'll understand what went wrong and if he is a good guy - he will get it.

 

No time like the present as they say.

[D-Lish]

Have you tried calling up this man and explaining yourself? The only way you're ever going to get over your adversity to being vulnerable is to actually do it.

 

Will this guy understand? I hope so. Understand does not mean he will necessarily be willing to give it a go but at least he'll understand what went wrong and if he is a good guy - he will get it.

 

No time like the present as they say.

 

I apologized for my behaviour, but I didn't go into detail regarding the mindset behind my behaviour. I don't think an apology is going to cut it in this case. I don't think I'd accept an excuse or apology were I in his shoes.

 

It is what it is- I messed up, I need to get my act together and stop messing up.

[hoping2heal]

I apologized for my behaviour, but I didn't go into detail regarding the mindset behind my behaviour. I don't think an apology is going to cut it in this case. I don't think I'd accept an excuse or apology were I in his shoes.

 

It is what it is- I messed up, I need to get my act together and stop messing up.

 

Right, but I guess what I'm getting at is it would be an opportunity for you to be vulnerable.

 

If the guy still doesn't want to date you then it is not the end of the world. At least you got your training wheels of vulnerability on and I think that would be the more important growth for you.

[frustr8ed]

How can I fail so miserably in my romantic relationships yet be so highly revered and respected professionally? I command a certain respect at work that stems from being so confident, that people naturally look to me to lead. Romantically I just fail over and over again. I learn from my mistakes at work, and I thrive as a result. I'd like to have that kind of confidence in my romantic realm, not sure why there is such a discrepancy.

You put the work in at your job, but you don't put that same drive and motivation into your relationships that make you a success professionally. You know anything worth doing is difficult and you have to push yourself. Relationships are no different. Gotta grab the world by it's balls and not let go.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well D-Lish going back to the innocence wouldn't be the answer anyway, you have to be aware and have both eyes open unfortunately, sadly there are people who can hurt and take advantage of you out there and you need to have some kind of filter for that. You might have been able to love more freely but it was done out of innocence, that's why I think as children we get hurt the most because we have no defense or awareness for what could come.

 

The problem now is, your walls are too high and it seems like you've never really gotten through that emotional pain, and it's caused you to be fearful of any true intimacy and being or sharing anything with anyone that would make you feel too vulnerable.

 

There are a lot of people like you D-Lish, you are not an oddity or a failure, lots of men and women struggle with this, I've met many myself and the problem is they tend to lack communication and openness in their relationships, it's like they stage an event and treat these relationships like exterior circumstances, being careful not to let them on the other side of the wall and find that true person.

 

You're not failing at romance, you're just not giving yourself a chance to open up and you're afraid to take risks because you don't want to ever be blind-sided and hurt like that again, it's understandable.

 

In your professional life, it's not about emotions, it's about results and maintaining this superficial level of interaction with people or at least not anything threatening emotionally like a romantic situation...so it's normal in that environment you would thrive, because there's no emotional risk and furthermore you are indifferent to it, so you're not over trying or attempting to make something happen, you're just operating on a level that allows a natural flow out of you to occur, sometimes that's when we do the best because we're relaxed and not stressed.

 

You've just got to take baby-steps and do it for yourself, not for men. It's about "romance" alone, it's not about trusting someone again or them reciprocating, this is something you've got to do within yourself and for yourself, to be more open and exposed again and that's going to take courage and may require for you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable and like you're making a leap of faith.

 

Don't put all your eggs in one basket, or one man because of this, don't look for a man that is simply "worthy" of your trust again or all you have to give, because that person may not understand what is happening or prepared for this load you're about to give them, realize this is about you in those moments, take those risks for you, have confidence in the fact you can protect yourself now and you are not vulnerable like you were before....I know you feel like it's easy to just cross that line sometimes and that's when you just snap and pull away, but trying be open about these things with a partner you feel is invested and that you can talk to things like this about. He needs to know the real you, not that person you dangle like a puppet to the world that thinks your this or that way, or even these men.

 

You got to give them a chance, but more importantly yourself a chance. It's not about being paranoid or skittish, and it's not about taking a huge risk with a man you hardly know either...take steps, do things outside your comfort zone and try to share the real you, including your vulnerabilities to certain people, don't hide behind them, because they're not going to be your strengths until you accept them and if you're hiding these things, that only makes you truly more vulnerable.

 

And stop creating these situations and displays of chaos, or sabotage, tell people what's going on, express yourself without worrying about the consequences so much, just like you do at work, take the same approach and don't run in the other direction just because you feel scared, stop yourself, recognize the triggers and calm yourself down...communicate to your partner in some way, you don't have to spill the whole beans, but let them know something, instead of just pushing them away, you have to give them a chance to make the effort, but they're not going to know what's going on if you play these "games" with them...that's what it's going to look like from their end.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I can totally relate to this.

 

I wonder..how open are you with "close" friends about yourself and your issues? Do you prefer to talk about their problems instead and maintain that wall and keep your interactions with them more or less superficial?

[Chocolat]

Have you considered talking this through with a therapist? Sometimes even a short course can help.

[Gaeta]

I think the fact you do recognize you have a destructive pattern and you do want to break through it is a big step forward.

 

I think you would benefit a lot from short term therapy. You only need a few tools to control and redirect that pattern. You could also join any personal development group and learn to let go 'in general' of those fears.

 

What you do now is relive over and over what happened 8 years ago. You put yourself through anxiety and fears that have no reasons to be. It's not a way of living and you know that.

 

Fear is a state of mind. Nothing else.

 

You could look at it the way I do. I got hurt a great deal in the past, a horrific story where I lost everything and had a trip down to hell that lasted 3-4 years. I could fear investing myself again in a relationship and get hurt again BUT I don't. FIRST: I know a heartbreak doesn't kill, I've survived my horrific story and if I survived that I can survive anything. SECOND: No one, and I mean NO ONE, will ever hurt me again like this because I won't allow it.

 

So, your bad experience you can let it consume you or you can turn it around and let it make you a better, stronger, wiser woman.

[D-Lish]

I can totally relate to this.

 

I wonder..how open are you with "close" friends about yourself and your issues? Do you prefer to talk about their problems instead and maintain that wall and keep your interactions with them more or less superficial?

 

I do tend to be the one that listens rather than vents or opens up- but I have confided in my closest friends about my issues. With my work friends, it's different - I don't want to divulge that I have that crazy side.

 

I have some really close friends of both genders. My closest male friend knows all about my issues with relationships and he's always been very supportive. I do reveal that side of me to my closest friends- and of course here, where it's anonymous.

 

I called him the next morning after I ruined my date and told him all about it. He was honest and said were he in the guys shoes that he probably wouldn't be understanding.

[D-Lish]

Have you considered talking this through with a therapist? Sometimes even a short course can help.

 

I have been seeing a therapist on and off for a long time. I go through bouts of depression and always find it helpful to talk to someone that I know I can be completely open with and they won't judge me. I may just ask to see her again.

 

I think the fact you do recognize you have a destructive pattern and you do want to break through it is a big step forward.

 

I think you would benefit a lot from short term therapy. You only need a few tools to control and redirect that pattern. You could also join any personal development group and learn to let go 'in general' of those fears.

 

So, your bad experience you can let it consume you or you can turn it around and let it make you a better, stronger, wiser woman.

 

Thanks Gaeta. I definitely don't want to continue on this way, or I'm going to die a very lonely woman.

 

It's frustrating to have the knowledge and tools to fix this and not be able to bridge the gap between the two.

 

This last fiasco of a date really gave me a wake up call that it's time to do something. I think it's also time to acquiesce that I could use some help.

 

It is the same destructive pattern- I can't believe I did what I did the other night- I didn't just shut the door, I slammed it on the guy. Besides just feeling vulnerable, I have this inner belief that I don't deserve to be happy for some reason.

[D-Lish]

Well D-Lish going back to the innocence wouldn't be the answer anyway, you have to be aware and have both eyes open unfortunately, sadly there are people who can hurt and take advantage of you out there and you need to have some kind of filter for that. You might have been able to love more freely but it was done out of innocence, that's why I think as children we get hurt the most because we have no defense or awareness for what could come.

 

The problem now is, your walls are too high and it seems like you've never really gotten through that emotional pain, and it's caused you to be fearful of any true intimacy and being or sharing anything with anyone that would make you feel too vulnerable.

 

There are a lot of people like you D-Lish, you are not an oddity or a failure, lots of men and women struggle with this, I've met many myself and the problem is they tend to lack communication and openness in their relationships, it's like they stage an event and treat these relationships like exterior circumstances, being careful not to let them on the other side of the wall and find that true person.

 

You're not failing at romance, you're just not giving yourself a chance to open up and you're afraid to take risks because you don't want to ever be blind-sided and hurt like that again, it's understandable.

 

In your professional life, it's not about emotions, it's about results and maintaining this superficial level of interaction with people or at least not anything threatening emotionally like a romantic situation...so it's normal in that environment you would thrive, because there's no emotional risk and furthermore you are indifferent to it, so you're not over trying or attempting to make something happen, you're just operating on a level that allows a natural flow out of you to occur, sometimes that's when we do the best because we're relaxed and not stressed.

 

You've just got to take baby-steps and do it for yourself, not for men. It's about "romance" alone, it's not about trusting someone again or them reciprocating, this is something you've got to do within yourself and for yourself, to be more open and exposed again and that's going to take courage and may require for you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable and like you're making a leap of faith.

 

Don't put all your eggs in one basket, or one man because of this, don't look for a man that is simply "worthy" of your trust again or all you have to give, because that person may not understand what is happening or prepared for this load you're about to give them, realize this is about you in those moments, take those risks for you, have confidence in the fact you can protect yourself now and you are not vulnerable like you were before....I know you feel like it's easy to just cross that line sometimes and that's when you just snap and pull away, but trying be open about these things with a partner you feel is invested and that you can talk to things like this about. He needs to know the real you, not that person you dangle like a puppet to the world that thinks your this or that way, or even these men.

 

You got to give them a chance, but more importantly yourself a chance. It's not about being paranoid or skittish, and it's not about taking a huge risk with a man you hardly know either...take steps, do things outside your comfort zone and try to share the real you, including your vulnerabilities to certain people, don't hide behind them, because they're not going to be your strengths until you accept them and if you're hiding these things, that only makes you truly more vulnerable.

 

And stop creating these situations and displays of chaos, or sabotage, tell people what's going on, express yourself without worrying about the consequences so much, just like you do at work, take the same approach and don't run in the other direction just because you feel scared, stop yourself, recognize the triggers and calm yourself down...communicate to your partner in some way, you don't have to spill the whole beans, but let them know something, instead of just pushing them away, you have to give them a chance to make the effort, but they're not going to know what's going on if you play these "games" with them...that's what it's going to look like from their end.

 

Thanks Ninja, great insight and advice. Your words really hit home with me.

 

I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket with this guy- he's not the first one I've had real feelings for since my divorce. I just don't know how to deal with the situation with this guy in the aftermath of what happened. He hasn't broken off communication with me- and I did apologize, but he's playing it very cold and distant. I can't blame him, but I don't know if I should stick it out and see if he forgives me, or just put it behind me and move forward. I'm not sure if he's continuing to correspond with me to be polite, or whether he's intending on forgiving me. I haven't pushed anything. I told him I'd love to make it up to him and take him to dinner and that I'd leave that offer with him.

[Frank2thepoint]

I met someone rather suddenly a month ago- I wasn't expecting to have feelings for him. We went on three dates and there wasn't just chemistry- there were real butterflies. I felt genuine "like" for this person. The feeling of being vulnerable was enough to send me into a tailspin, and I basically sabotaged things on our third date. I feel like crap for having done so.

 

I either date people I know there is no danger of getting attached to, or I sabotage things with someone I like as soon as I feel the slightest bit vulnerable.

 

I just want to go back to the person I was before I met my exH. I just want to find a way to let go again and accept being vulnerable.

 

I don't have anything new to add. The other posters gave good advice.

 

But I just had a moment of clarity with what is quoted above. Personally I always wondered why some of the women I dated would run for the hills when I mention I am interested in them, and I just realized maybe they were sabotaging the date (and a possible future) because they were not ready to be vulnerable with someone new. Even though I am a different person from their exs, I was probably lumped into the fear, uncertainty, and vulnerability. I was generalized.

 

Okay maybe I do have something to add. Don't let your past experience deny you happiness. Although what you experienced was a lesson, tempering your wisdom, it should just guide you on being more perceptive, and maneuver your future relationship with caution. What can help is just understand each person is unique, an individual, with their own fears, willing to brave the uncertain waters of dating.

[D-Lish]

I don't have anything new to add. The other posters gave good advice.

 

But I just had a moment of clarity with what is quoted above. Personally I always wondered why some of the women I dated would run for the hills when I mention I am interested in them, and I just realized maybe they were sabotaging the date (and a possible future) because they were not ready to be vulnerable with someone new. Even though I am a different person from their exs, I was probably lumped into the fear, uncertainty, and vulnerability. I was generalized.

 

It's quite possible that's been the case. I have really only dated two people for more than a few months since I got divorced over 8 years ago. I've had some on again off again relationships, but I've always run from guys that I could see a future with.

 

Conversely, I've also encountered guys that have done the same to me- we meet, things go really well and seem promising, and they disappear. I think being vulnerable is a problem for a lot of people.

[D-Lish]

Right, but I guess what I'm getting at is it would be an opportunity for you to be vulnerable.

 

If the guy still doesn't want to date you then it is not the end of the world. At least you got your training wheels of vulnerability on and I think that would be the more important growth for you.

 

Yes, H2H, this most likely would be a good opportunity to be vulnerable. I guess I just don't know how to discern between what would be showing vulnerability, and what would be demonstrating "crazy".

 

We only had three dates. I don't know how I could explain to him why I did what I did without coming off as super messed up.

 

I'm going to tell you guys what I did- and I know I'm going to get flamed for it- but I deserve it.

 

We were having a great time, great conversation, we were reaching across the table holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes. He was smiling at me with his head tilted as he stroked my hands. I was having such a good time and feeling so good. Then I panicked, I looked across the table at him and realized I really liked him- a lot. I started thinking about the implications of being so attracted to him, started fast track thinking into the future about how it would feel to lose him- and all of a sudden became resentful of the power he had over me. I felt vulnerable, and I panicked.

 

I got up and left. I just told him I was sorry, and "I can't do this", and I walked out. I literally ran out on a really great date with a really great guy. I actually physically ran to my car once I got to the street- how messed up is that?

 

I've been kicking myself since then, but there is still that inner voice that perseveres and tells me "Don't worry D-lish, you dodged a bullet, it's better to walk out now than face a more difficult hurt down the road".

 

I don't want to be the aforementioned crazy girl.

[D-Lish]

Coming from a guy in his 40s and I think Ninja will also back me up on this...

 

My friends and I have not dated a women who was late 20s and above that didn't demonstrate varying forms / degrees of your "destructive" behavior. In fact, if we don't see / get your "destructive" behavior to a degree... We know you aren't into us / like us.

 

We are not stupid and we are very familiar and experienced with emotional women. "Hot Messes" do not scare or intimate us in the least and we certainly do not look down, judge or hold any negative feelings towards you at all.

 

Assuming we are dealing with a woman late 20s and above (whether they were single or married)... Almost all got HURT and HURT BADLY and it leaves a mark! We know and fully expect this.

 

Where guys like me have a problem and the type of women we pull the ejection cord on is the man hatting bitter bitches who want to take their anger out on us and make suffer for what other men did to them. Those are a no go for launch and get dropped without thought or question.

 

In your "case", you are the "perfect" kind...

 

We are well equipped to deal with / handle / understand (we got hurt too you know and relate more than you realize) your type "destructive" behavior. You see we are use to a woman's her giving and reacting to her emotions and all the "noise" that comes along with it. You know what I mean... When you let various things build up over time and then go apes.hit. on us about the dishes in the sink when it's really about the 10 other things instead.

 

Now the trick / secret to women like you...

 

We JUST have to make it through the "awkward" period where you know you respect, admire, like us as person, feel the tinniest bit of emotionally involved and realize if you continue you are relinquishing control and giving us the power / ability to disappoint and hurt you.

 

You will fight / resist / freak out / hot and cold / say and do things that are crazy or "destructive" and then TEST, TEST, TEST, TEST us every step of the way and react very negatively if we disappoint or even get a 80% on the "test".

 

Now believe it or not... To us, all that is "noise" and as quickly as the "episode" is over with we forget it ever happened. Seriously, we totally separate when you are "crazy" (your fear and the fact that you like us and afraid we will hurt you) from normal and don't even recall it. In fact, we find it rather amusing and think it's attractive / cute (because you actually like us).

 

Like you, older men have issues too but our concerns are not women like you... It's seriously the crazy (not the fearful crazy like you but really crazy), demented and man hatting bitches.

 

On the 2nd or 3rd date just flat out tell us which type of woman you are. Assuming this a guy who is interested in a relationship (your spidey senses are never wrong and you can spot this very easily and early) we want to know if you are normal "crazy" or I am going to make you suffer for the rest of your life life sucking vampire "crazy".

 

Most women make a joke out of it and warn me (I can sport normal "crazy" from life sucking vampire "crazy" with my spidey senses early)... So WHEN she has an "episode" and acts / says "destructive" things that probably has nothing to do with anything I said or did... I just "roll with it" and let it play out and then a few hours, days or several days later... There hasn't been ONE time she had to every explain herself / actions. I already knew what / why she was doing and I have been through 1,000 of women "episodes" in my life to not take it personal or affect me. Just something women do is how we look at it.

 

Now the good news...

 

After we get through the "awkward" phase and you "tested" us enough times and we "proved" ourselves through time, action, words, etc. and been consistent... It's SMOOTH SAILING from then on out! Women like you make great companians and have some much to offer / share. We just have to climb over the damn walls that hurt put in the way. Believe it or not... You never have an "episode" and "destructive" behavior regarding your fear of us hurting you again. Sure you still are a "Hot Mess" and do what "Hot Messes" but you are confident, secure and comfortable and trust us.

 

So my advice of having successfully date and had very wonderful / healthy long term relationships with women who had "episodes" and "destructive" behavior is just give us a heads up on the 2nd or 3rd date and make sure you are clear your are not a man hating life sucking vampire but your "crazy" is fear "crazy".

 

You do that... I promise you, we literately can roll out of bed on our worst day and handle whatever "destructive" behavior you dish out that moment / day / several days until we get through that "phase" of our courtship. It's not a job or bad experience... Like I said... We think it's kind of cute and endearing (cause you like us enough to do it).

 

It's not to late with that guy if you tell him what I shared here... If he has been around the block (who hasn't at our age) and dated emotional women who "love hard / fight hard"... You are a walk in the walk in park for him if you tell your type of "crazy".

 

I'm not sure that he is one of those understanding types you've described.

 

I got up, and walked away in the middle of a date and ran to my car.

 

He engaged me initially afterward, but with each passing day, his responses have diminished to one word answers and never initiating like he has always done.

 

I know I blew it, I just don't know how to handle it from here. I'm not sure why he's still engaging me. We were texting and emailing 50+ times a day prior to me pulling a stupid. Now we exchange 2-4 texts a day since last Thursday.

 

I've drafted an email to him, but haven't sent it, not sure if I should or will.

[Frank2thepoint]

We were having a great time, great conversation, we were reaching across the table holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes. He was smiling at me with his head tilted as he stroked my hands. I was having such a good time and feeling so good. Then I panicked, I looked across the table at him and realized I really liked him- a lot. I started thinking about the implications of being so attracted to him, started fast track thinking into the future about how it would feel to lose him- and all of a sudden became resentful of the power he had over me. I felt vulnerable, and I panicked.

 

Your first mistake was assuming he has power over you. Just because you were happy and felt like putty in his hands does not mean he wasn't feeling the same thing. The second mistake was you jumped ahead of yourself, imagining a fictitious future. This obviously was a defense mechanism, you went into flight mode. I think you should take it one step at a time, enjoy each moment, don't get ahead of yourself. I know, it's easier said than done, but you have to practice it. You have a runaway imagination that is preventing you from having a second chance.

 

 

I got up and left. I just told him I was sorry, and "I can't do this", and I walked out. I literally ran out on a really great date with a really great guy. I actually physically ran to my car once I got to the street- how messed up is that?

 

I'm sorry but I laughed at this. Really hard. I imagine it like from some romantic comedy where the girl freaks out and runs (pick your actress to portray you such as Jennifer Aniston or Leslie Mann).

 

 

I've been kicking myself since then, but there is still that inner voice that perseveres and tells me "Don't worry D-lish, you dodged a bullet, it's better to walk out now than face a more difficult hurt down the road".

 

You didn't dodge a bullet. You jumped off the train too early. You are building up a nightmare for yourself, imaging you will get hurt with someone new and different, when there is no reason to. This guy is uncharted territory and that frightens you. I think you should reach out to the guy, meetup and have a talk with him. Be honest that you need to take things really slow. If you want of course.

[D-Lish]

Your first mistake was assuming he has power over you. Just because you were happy and felt like putty in his hands does not mean he wasn't feeling the same thing. The second mistake was you jumped ahead of yourself, imagining a fictitious future. This obviously was a defense mechanism, you went into flight mode. I think you should take it one step at a time, enjoy each moment, don't get ahead of yourself. I know, it's easier said than done, but you have to practice it. You have a runaway imagination that is preventing you from having a second chance.

 

I'm sorry but I laughed at this. Really hard. I imagine it like from some romantic comedy where the girl freaks out and runs (pick your actress to portray you such as Jennifer Aniston or Leslie Mann).

 

You didn't dodge a bullet. You jumped off the train too early. You are building up a nightmare for yourself, imaging you will get hurt with someone new and different, when there is no reason to. This guy is uncharted territory and that frightens you. I think you should reach out to the guy, meetup and have a talk with him. Be honest that you need to take things really slow. If you want of course.

 

You give some great perspective and advice. I think I'd resemble Leslie Mann doing my run if you died her hair blonde. I can't believe I ran- forehead slap.

 

I did reach out to the guy, not expecting anything in return. I did send an email explaining crap. I think I have to write him off and start fresh.

[D-Lish]

That is nothing and not the type of "destruction" that would be a deal breaker.

 

If I told you half of the bat s.hit crazy things (similar to yours) that women did you would be amazed.

 

Again, they did it out of fear of being hurt... It's not that they were literally crazy, violent or with evil intent.

 

Once they got through the "awkward" phase of having faith that I wasn't going to hurt them... Everything was smooth sailing and they were perfectly healthy normal women and we have perfectly normal healthy relationship.

 

BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T EXPLAINED IT TOO HIM and probably thinks he said / did something. You also haven't explain your "type of crazy".

 

You don't have to make it some weird sit down long explanation where you cry and explain in details all your previous issues. Tell him you went through a painful divorce 8 years ago and took X amount of time and did Y to get over it and ready to offer Z to some amazing man but still scared to put yourself out there and open yourself to hurt.

 

He will know INSTANTLY that you are okay and not one of the BAD man hatting life sucking vampires us older guys avoid like the plague.

 

YOU DID NOT BLOW IT!!!!

 

Go back and read what I wrote above and explain in a funny way (don't make it some long drawn out depressing letter) that you like him and are afraid to get hurt again. HOWEVER, if we can deal with a little "crazy" and have some fun while I get use to this... It's totally worth it.

 

Also, joke about how you are going to take him to dinner since you bailed on the last one. Tell him to sit in a booth with you, you on the inside so you can't be a "runaway dater". I promise, he will laugh and totally take you up on it. Not to mention, a running joke now and after your future "episodes" in the future.

 

Please, you can't make this any worse. I'm a Pro and this guy can / will handle this. I'm 100% certain because he is still engaging with you waiting to know / determine if you are BAD "crazy" (which you surely aren't).

 

You know, thanks for all of that. I think I did blow it though. He's a pretty straight laced, super intelligent Lawyer that doesn't seem inclined to me to put up with BS from a chick.

 

I did send off an email explaining myself regarding what happened. Haven't received a response yet. It's okay if I don't.

 

If I text, he gets back to me immediately- but it's light hearted stuff- not like it was before the bad date. My guy friend says that it's a good sign that he's even corresponding. I tend to think that he's just a polite guy.

[Ruby Slippers]

A quote comes to mind: "God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open." (Hazrat Inayat Khan)

 

Sometimes I fear heartbreak myself. But more than that, I fear never really loving anyone or caring about things, just surviving in a safe cloud of numbness, with my heart closed. That's not really living. In the past few years, I've opened my sensitive self up more to all the little (and some big) heartbreaks of the world, and I'm better off for it, because it's made me and my capacity to love stronger.

 

I think the most important things in life are our relationships, the love we give and receive. That doesn't happen without putting yourself and your heart on the line. If you keep a strong heart, you can endure any hits you may get.

 

When I'm feeling afraid to do something that I know it's good for me to do, I ask myself what's the worst that could happen? Then I come up with a realistic worst case scenario - and it's never THAT bad, not so bad that it's going to stop me from doing the thing I need and want to do.

[Eivuwan]

You know the thing with any type of anxiety is that the more you avoid, the harder the habit is to break. Since it is not predictable when you will start falling for someone and start panicking, you may want to imagine such situations, but think of alternative ways of working through the anxiety instead of just running.