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alcoholic girlfriend and her behavior


PainfulMemories

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PainfulMemories

I have no idea what I'm looking for from posting this here. I guess I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about this and even if I did have someone, I probably wouldn't. This is going to be ridiculously long..if you actually read it and reply, thank you.

 

Let me start this off by saying that my girlfriend is an alcoholic. She knows it. I know it. There is no denial in that regard. We have been together for five months and living together for almost three. We moved very quickly but it was right for us. We were both serious and knew that we loved one another. We knew that we wanted similar things and wanted to see just how compatible we were for a possible future. We both want only each other and want to eventually get married and have a family. There is nothing I would not do for her and I give our relationship everything I have.

 

I knew that she had a drinking problem before moving in but I didn't think much of it. Maybe I should have. After moving in, I became adamant that our relationship would not go far if she did not quit completely. She agreed and knew that her drinking had been toxic to previous friendships, etc. It has been a long three months where I have done everything I could to help her quit drinking and lead a sober life. It was difficult for me to understand how someone cannot simply control their actions. I thought, "if you love me as deeply as you say you do, why can't you stop yourself from picking up that beer?"

 

In the last few weeks, she was prescribed Wellbutrin and has had more sober days than not. She would be sober for 3-4 days and then relapse for a day..sometimes two. On April 11th, after 4 days sober, she came home and told me she drank because someone brought drink mix for work. She explained that she could not get away and did not have the willpower to say no to a drink when it was put right in front of her. I told her that she should be upfront with her co-workers and explain that she does not drink and ask for them not to invite her out or offer her drinks. She shrugged it off and basically told me I don't understand. She says that a lot.."You don't understand." After 6 days sober, she came home from work yesterday with a beer and told me that she was asked by co-workers to go out and she could not say no. I was infuriated because I had just spoken to her about the co-worker situation and given her advice. In my mind, she should put her health and her life ahead of possibly being embarrassed or whatever she may feel when she explains to people that she does not drink. Again, I was hit with the, "You don't understand."

 

I had to leave for work soon after and I called her on my way home later in the evening. She ended up hanging up on me for no reason. I knew that she would just end up passing out and I would be the one sitting on the couch. Alone, anxious and stuck with the thoughts in my head. I decided to call up an old friend and ask if he wanted to hang out for a little bit. I came home and told my girlfriend that I was going out to which she scoffed and pretty much ignored me. As soon as I walked out the door, I wanted to go back but I knew my friend had stayed up late for me. I called her twice to try to talk to her and got the voicemail. I felt miserable the entire time I was with my friend and kept checking my phone to see if she had returned my calls or had sent a text. Nothing. I returned home about 2-3 hours later to find her passed out. In the morning, I tried to talk to her at least five times but all I got was: "You left me last night." "Shut up." "My head hurts. Don't look at me or talk to me." I felt anger rush over me. I grabbed a water bottle and poured half of it over her head. She got ready and left for work without a word to me.

 

I don't know what to do. I want to text her but what good will it do? If she ignores me, I'll feel even worse than I do now but I don't know how I can go through the day not talking to her about last night.

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TheNoBSBuddhist

By putting up with this, you enable her behaviour.

She is Suffering - and i use the term both as a normal term and as a Buddhist one.

 

She is caught up in a perpetual wheel of self-destruction, and has no reason to want to get better, or to stop drinking.

If she felt she had reason, she may well make a more stringent effort to stop.

She will not stop for you, because her addiction to alcohol is stronger than her emotions for you. That is a sad fact but you will find that most people suffering an addiction see things that way.

You cannot help her, you cannot mend her you cannot show her the way.

She does not want help, she does not want to be mended, she does not wish to see the way.

And it matters not what you do or say. While she is in the depths of personal despair, nothing makes any sense to her, save for another drink, because when she drinks and passes out, it doesn't hurt any more.

 

I'm sorry but your single, only option, is to leave her.

You are of no help to her, but by living with her and being with her, you are to an extent supporting and endorsing her current habit and existence.

You must sever all ties.

Only when she is drowning can she make the decision for herself; to grab whatever life-belt she can see, or to drown.

You MUST leave her to come to this realisation for herself.

Your presence is both ineffective and inhibiting. Because while you are there to 'love her and support her' she need do nothing. After all, you are there because you want to be, and can cope with wiping up the mess, in every sense of the word, can't you?

Show her that is no longer the case.

She has to do this on her own. For herself.

Every addict must.

She is no exception.

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No she will never love you enough to quit because that's not how it works. An addict has to want to do it for themselves. You moved way too fast with this girl. She has an addiction, she is not in a place to have a healthy relationship. This is only going to frustrate you because she is an alcoholic and nothing you do will change that fact. Do you really want to give your children an alcoholic mother? REALLY?! Will you pretend that you didn't know better when mom is passed out yet again and can't function?

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It is an addiction. She could love you to the moon and back but if she he doesn't want to quit for herself she won't.

 

Also - if she's really serious about this (note I said she and not you) she needs to get into the program. Call Alanon. Don't try to do this alone.

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You should gather support from her friends and family. Addictions thrive in secrecy. Make aware the people that care about her that she has a problem, and involve them in her recovery.

 

In the meantime, however, you should put aside any thoughts of forming a family with her. Until the time comes that alcohol isn't part of her life at ALL, she is not fit to be a mother.

 

Read up on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It's a VERY real, serious concern:

 

Fetal alcohol syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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Join Al-Anon, which is for friends and family of alcoholics. Then try to get her to join Alcoholics Anonymous. Tell her she will meet famous people. If you live in a big city, she definitely will.

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As a former big drinker myself, nay, lets call a spade a spade, as an alcoholic myself, she won't quit until she decides she's had enough for herself.

 

I didn't quit until I'd hit that point that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Until she reaches it, or loses EVERYTHING she loves, she wont' quit drinking . She may love you with all her heart, but in the throes of addiction, that may not be enough.

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You my friend are only a few months in. Leave now. Leave her to find herself and that hopefully leads her to heal. This is coming from a girl who loved her boyfriend to the moon after 5 years it was still the same. The promises, the whoopsies couldn't help it, I'll stop, I'll try, need more time, I've a lot of growing up yo do, I want to be a better man, tried to lighten the situation saying it was that last drink, don't have a problem need to learn moderation, to yes I have a problem and am distructive. Counselling, arguments, embarrassing drunken times out, he would tell me I didn't live him, care about him, (like yours "you left me last night, shut up" its a down word spiral. Man if I could I would shake some sense into you (kindly of course)

 

It won't stop. It will get worse. You are enabling her, as much as you try to help, try yo understand you can't. She is unwell. She also used, you going out with a friend as big hurt yo make you feel bad. Your anger and throwing water....its started already...this dynamic is unhealthy and is not the foundation you want go be laying for a relationship. I know you love her, but she loves alcohol. She doesn't love you or herself. She is sick. You will always fight against the alcohol.

 

Sure you've had a few months don't waste any more time, it will knock you down...I wasted 5plus years....some people waste alot more or a lifetime.she will no miraculously start getting help and quit, its not that simple she didn't become one over night.

 

My story ended after 5 years with an argument (he told me to get lost at a music festival because I didn't want to sit for the 2 nd day in a beer garden, he dumped me because he couldn't take me trying to help him stop) we have zero contact after he harassed me for months blaming me....(they never blame themselves) as far as I know he's still drinking. You know what? I'm free and it feels great! I'm now 32 him 30.

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Get out now before three months turn into three years. At that point, you'll only have yourself to blame for your unhappiness.

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PainfulMemories
You should gather support from her friends and family. Addictions thrive in secrecy. Make aware the people that care about her that she has a problem, and involve them in her recovery.

 

In the meantime, however, you should put aside any thoughts of forming a family with her. Until the time comes that alcohol isn't part of her life at ALL, she is not fit to be a mother.

 

Read up on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. It's a VERY real, serious concern:

 

Fetal alcohol syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

I have no intention of starting a family or getting married until she sobers up for a long period of time and I can see that a change has occurred.

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PainfulMemories
You my friend are only a few months in. Leave now. Leave her to find herself and that hopefully leads her to heal. This is coming from a girl who loved her boyfriend to the moon after 5 years it was still the same. The promises, the whoopsies couldn't help it, I'll stop, I'll try, need more time, I've a lot of growing up yo do, I want to be a better man, tried to lighten the situation saying it was that last drink, don't have a problem need to learn moderation, to yes I have a problem and am distructive. Counselling, arguments, embarrassing drunken times out, he would tell me I didn't live him, care about him, (like yours "you left me last night, shut up" its a down word spiral. Man if I could I would shake some sense into you (kindly of course)

 

It won't stop. It will get worse. You are enabling her, as much as you try to help, try yo understand you can't. She is unwell. She also used, you going out with a friend as big hurt yo make you feel bad. Your anger and throwing water....its started already...this dynamic is unhealthy and is not the foundation you want go be laying for a relationship. I know you love her, but she loves alcohol. She doesn't love you or herself. She is sick. You will always fight against the alcohol.

 

Sure you've had a few months don't waste any more time, it will knock you down...I wasted 5plus years....some people waste alot more or a lifetime.she will no miraculously start getting help and quit, its not that simple she didn't become one over night.

 

My story ended after 5 years with an argument (he told me to get lost at a music festival because I didn't want to sit for the 2 nd day in a beer garden, he dumped me because he couldn't take me trying to help him stop) we have zero contact after he harassed me for months blaming me....(they never blame themselves) as far as I know he's still drinking. You know what? I'm free and it feels great! I'm now 32 him 30.

 

Did he ever actually stop for any period of time?

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TheNoBSBuddhist
I have no intention of starting a family or getting married until she sobers up for a long period of time and I can see that a change has occurred.

Please realise this:

An alcoholic never stops being an alcoholic. An alcoholic is never 'cured'. An alcoholic is always in danger of taking a drink, even if they have been sober for 20 years.

You can wait for, and 'see' changes', but please realise that she is her own best friend - and worst enemy.

I do not say this to insult her, or belittle her. I say this to advise you that it is the truth.

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hoping2heal

You said yourself, you cannot understand how a person could not control themselves. When she says you do not understand, it's the truth. You do not understand addiction. Of all the substances I had to study during my undergrad, alcohol has got to be about one of the worst in terms of addiction.

 

This is not a free pass for her behavior persay; but you are in over your heads. Both of you are, if you think for a moment you will have a good relationship. That won't happen. You poured a bottle of water over her head??! Is this behavior normal for you or are you simply imploding?

 

The imploding is to be expected, but it is still harmful and destructive. There is literally nothing, not one iota of a thing, you can possibly do to help her recover from alcoholism. You will feel defeated every day for the rest of your life if you tried, because the day would simply not ever come. If she is serious about treatment then she is going to need to see specialists and not dating partners.

 

You can join the long lines of spouses, lovers, and children who thought to themselves "if you really loved me you would stop". She absolutely must seek treatment and there is no other way. Even with treatment, there are still no guarantees. It will be a struggle the rest of her life. Maybe you can live with that, maybe you cannot. But you will be repeatedly disappointed and made angry if you continue along the same path you are on now.

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The only thing in the world that makes her life tolerable, fun, and interesting she has to live without. She is going to go threw hell to avoid the cure. You leaving her is more than likely not rock bottom material. It takes a myriad of legal and financial ramifications as well as mental and physical exhaustion, social isolation and profound humiliation to incite the sense of a bottom.

 

Here is the klinker: water seeks it's own level. The girl is a mess now, and you are with her. If and when she commits to abstinence her standards will go way up. Chances are she will no longer want you when she does. There are exceptions to this rule but not that often. It is just the way it goes. Say good bye now and if she gets sober she will respect you. That is the only way you will ever have a real shot with this girl.

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Did he ever actually stop for any period of time?

 

Yes he did. 4 months was the longest. He'd go weeks, but evrytine he drank he'd get drunk and extremely annoying, embarrassing and revert to nobody loves/likes him...he'd pick on ME.. Next morning extremely sorry, he'd cry,beg, he'll stop, get help ...it became a cycle.

I think your situation is worse. I only shared mine because if this is what you've gone through in 3-4 months it's only the start. I didn't see alcoholic issues in my ex for at least 8 months. But he stated when we broke up he's had problems since he was 18. We met as roommates, became friends after a year we got together and started dating. So I lived with him for over 6 years. You already know she is an alcoholic and so far helping her has failed. you are already busting out angry moves throwing water over her...this will be a long abusive & toxic relationship.

 

Get yourself over to alcoholic abusive toxic relationship forums....get yourself in therapy...

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TheNextLawyer

Thank god I never had any alcholic urges of any substance and that in fact my medication makes it very hard to drink to the point of memory loss. If you two can't love each other 50%, even 40% of the time due to resentment, sounds like a one-way ticket to Bitterness City.

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You're an enabler. You are not helping her with her disease.

 

She is 110% right when she says, "You don't understand." Because you don't. The brain of an addict is very different than that of a "normal" healthy person. You will never comprehend or be able to wrap your mind around why she can't just "control herself."

 

Because she is not seeking help, or in AA, she literally CANNOT control herself. The addiction is stronger than anything else. It seems she's not being honest with herself, or those around her, and because she's not, everyone that surrounds her is an enabler.

 

Co-workers that hand her beer. Ask her to go to happy hour. Bring in drink mixes.

 

I'm sorry to say, but this relationship is not going to work out. She needs to acknowledge she's an alcoholic and actually seek help for it. If that happens, she will need a minimum of ONE YEAR in AA before she will be mentally/emotionally healthy and capable of being in a relationship.

 

There is nothing you can do to help her. By remaining with her, she has no consequences for her alcoholism. This is what makes you an enabler. She needs to hit rock bottom. Lose you, see what devastation her actions bring. Only then will she want to seek help.

 

Alcohol will always come before you. This will always be the elephant in the room. The only way this can work out is if she enters a program, gets months/years of sobriety under her belt, works the steps, has a sponsor, and goes to weekly meetings. She will have to have an entirely new way of life. She cannot remain in a circle of friends that goes to the bar to party, she can't have "just one drink." She's not strong enough to turn away when it's in front of her face. You cannot drink in front of her.

 

Being with an alcoholic is not easy. Almost all will relapse at some point. From what I saw when I tried dating an alcoholic was this: few remain completely sober, most relapse, the rest wind up dead from either OD or suicide.

 

Even those that go completely sober and remain sober will have other addictions, either to food, sex, even working out. Even if the addiction isn't "unhealthy" the addictive tendencies remain. She will never be a "former" alcoholic. She will forever be known as a recoverING alcoholic, as the journey never ends and alcoholics can only take it day by day.

 

I think you rushed into this relationship and got way caught up, way too soon. It's up to you whether you want to stay in this lifestyle... from what I see here, it is toxic and it will eventually ruin you as a person. You yourself need to enter therapy as well. It is normally a co-dependent personality type that remains with an addict, and always at the detriment to their own health.

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TheNoBSBuddhist

So what have you decided?

By now, you should be convinced that your only true option is to leave her. If you are still undecided, it is because you still hold some belief that she can change, and that you can help her.

Neither belief is true. Or at least, certainly, the second one is not; the first is entirely up to her and nothing you say or do will influence her one way or the other.

If you are still of a mind to stay and remain in this relationship, forgive me, but you are extremely foolish and I would say on a path to self-delusion and disappointment.

You need to leave, and you need to leave today, now.

There is no time to waste, because there is absolutely no point whatsoever in wasting it.

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