I want a long haul relationship.

[TrueTo2]

I'm 20 M and she is 19F

 

I met this girl over 3 years ago, I was on a trip to Vancouver, I had struck up a conversation with her at a local coffee shop and I obtained her number. However, since I wasn't a native from there, I went back to toronto after a short 2 week stay and I kept in touch with her by email. We moved to skype afterwards and were talking everyday. I felt some spark between us but nothing romantic happened.

 

Last year in august, she moved to Toronto for her university studies. I asked her out and we have been dating ever since. Since we are both in pretty demanding programs (Electrical Engineering honours and Chemical Engineering for her), we only see each other about once or twice since our schedules are highly incompatible.

 

We call each other everyday and we skype when we're studying too. Everything is going great; I think she's very fun and I really like her, but my feelings for her have changed ever since I hit my 20th birthday.

 

Ever since I've turned 20, I've started thinking more and more about my future, and I just cannot picture her in it. I want to get married in a few years. Ever since my childhood, I have always wanted kids, I was raised in a loving family and I wanted to one of my own when I got older.

 

In my culture, it's also a common tradition for the eldest son to take care of his parents in their old age. I am not pressured by it at all, my parents are well off and have never talked about it. However, it's one of my dreams to be able to take care of my aging parents, the loving people who raised me to be the man I am today.

 

Thus one thing is clear about me: Family is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to me.

 

Which brings me to this point, my parents don't speak English at all; my girlfriend would not be able to communicate with them. They have also never met before. Introducing my girlfriend to my parents means introducing her to my whole extended family, most of my aunts and uncles don't speak English. My extended family has played an important role in my family and I would like for them to like my girlfriend.

 

We have talked about the future once or twice but she has always been insistent on not wanting any kids. I understand, it's her choice, but it's just not my ideal future. Raising kids has always been a lifelong dream and goal of mine. And part of why I cannot see her in my future is because she acts like a kid. She's quite immature, she really likes cutesy things, eats only sweets, is really shy and quiet and cannot make up her mind. These are not bad things by itself but it's the feeling that I'm dating a high school teenager more than an adult of my age and maturity.

 

[NSFW Part] She is incredibly cute and pretty, but just not hot. She's skinny and tiny, and I'm just not sexually attracted to her. The sex is downright terrible. I have not slept with her yet, she is a virgin and the only time I have tried it with her, she complained of the pain and I stopped after only inserting the tip (my dick is not large by any means). Seeing her naked doesn't give me an erection either, it takes effort. I don't see her as a viable sexual partner, I love being with her and holding her, but the idea of having sex with her doesn't appeal to me at all.

 

Now, it's not all bad. The relationship itself is great. She has supported me through all my emotional stability, stressed out time and she never discouraged me. She has always been there and has been very accepting of anything I did. She cares a lot about my feelings and understands when I need company vs when I need to be left alone. She is an angel.

So now, the question is: Should I stay with her for now because I'm having fun, or should I just break up because I believe she is not the right woman for me.

 

 

tl;dr:

She is great, supportive and nice. I am someone who cares a lot about family. I want kids in the future + want family and extended family to get along with my future wife. My relatives and family don't speak English and can't communicate with her. She doesn't want kids, and I am not sexually attracted to her.

[FitChick]

You are both too young to be worrying about marriage and kids. You should be dating, traveling, planning your career. Enjoy the relationship with her while it lasts, which probably won't be long given your incompatible goals and cultures.

[todreaminblue]

You guys don't sound compatible at all...being with someone just because they are nice isnt enough......you have to feel more than that....i can't see a firm foundation here for a lasting relationship.......not being attracted to her is a hurtful thing for most females to deal with.......and to marry someone you don't feel all emotional over and for, is a recipe for divorce..in my experience incompatabilities as glaringly obvious as yours are are for short term relationships........the language and cultural barriers can be overcome if there is complete compassion and understanding involved from both parties ....expressions of honest feelings from the word....go.........you are not telling her important concerns you have...thats not good

 

 

this girl although she is a lovely girl....is probably, scratch that most likely, not suitable for you, nor are you suitable for her.......this points to someone really getting hurt at the end.....you want kids she doesnt.....thats it......you won't make it in a long lasting marriage unless one of you caves.....so.....that is going to harbor resentment ...marriages dont last with resentment brewing under the surface of calm waters...so.....go out...see the world....live your life...and find the girl who shares your dreams for the future know her intimately how she feels and thinks.....that takes time ...then when you feel you both want the same future and are ready to face the trials and the good times together forever....make your move....best wishes....and good luck....deb

[TrueTo2]

You guys don't sound compatible at all...being with someone just because they are nice isnt enough......you have to feel more than that....i can't see a firm foundation here for a lasting relationship.......not being attracted to her is a hurtful thing for most females to deal with.......and to marry someone you don't feel all emotional over and for, is a recipe for divorce..in my experience incompatabilities as glaringly obvious as yours are are for short term relationships........the language and cultural barriers can be overcome if there is complete compassion and understanding involved from both parties ....expressions of honest feelings from the word....go.........you are not telling her important concerns you have...thats not good

 

 

this girl although she is a lovely girl....is probably, scratch that most likely, not suitable for you, nor are you suitable for her.......this points to someone really getting hurt at the end.....you want kids she doesnt.....thats it......you won't make it in a long lasting marriage unless one of you caves.....so.....that is going to harbor resentment ...marriages dont last with resentment brewing under the surface of calm waters...so.....go out...see the world....live your life...and find the girl who shares your dreams for the future know her intimately how she feels and thinks.....that takes time ...then when you feel you both want the same future and are ready to face the trials and the good times together forever....make your move....best wishes....and good luck....deb

 

The thing is, she has been great as a girlfriend and has provided me with a lot of support. It's not her fault at all. We just happen to be incompatible. Is there any way of ending this relationship without giving her the impression that it's her fault in any way.

 

The thing is. I'm worried i'm just experiencing the grass is greener syndrome and am making a big mistake.

Edited April 19, 2014 by TrueTo2

[dehahaha]

Sounds more like WORK is developing rather than LOVE. If you are not thoroughly enjoying your relationship as bf/gf at that age and you have all these concerns and compatibility issues, it's probably not going to last much longer anyway. Also, breakups get that much harder in proportion to how long the relationships have lasted. Of course quality of the relationships is also very important, but length plays a big role. As for ending it without her feeling it's her fault, good luck man, if you are dumping her, you are dumping her. She will feel bad and sad for awhile, period. Then time will heal her and she'll move on and so will you. I don't think there is anything you can do or say that will stop her from thinking that the breakup could be her fault, unless you cheat on her or move away or do something else extreme.

[acrosstheuniverse]

The grass IS greener, there's no syndrome about it here. You have incompatible life goals in terms of family etc (I agree with posters that at your age you should be thinking about your careers, travel etc. but if you do want to get married in just a few years, so aged at around 23. that's quite young and quite soon so you do right to think about whether or not she's the right person for that) and you don't find yourself sexually attracted to her.

 

It's hard enough keeping the sexual attraction going in a longterm relationship even when you're crazy about each other in the bedroom to begin with, once real life and bills and jobs and families all kick in. If you're just not feeling it now, it won't get any better.

 

Do the kind thing for you both, end it gently, tell her that you feel as though you've both grown a lot in the past few years and sadly aren't the same people anymore but that she's a great person and you've cherished getting to know her. And then kindly move on. Don't give her false hope and respond overly to her attempts at reaching out after the initial aftermath, don't try and 'stay friend's.

[TrueTo2]

How much do people still change after this age. Is it unrealistic of me to hope she changes her mind? I'm not planning to get married anytime soon but I just feel like I should be dating someone that would be suitable for marriage possibly one day.