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Feel like giving up on women


True Gent

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Not sure where to begin...

 

9 yr relationship ended about 6 months ago. She dumped me for someone else. I've done lots to move on. I've moved house, spent time with friends and I enjoy doing my own thing.

 

I've been online dating a few times and I've given my number to someone in the real world.

 

This girl on POF messages me recently and we seem to have a lot in common. She did say she was fresh out of a breakup and didn't want to rush anything. I was fine with that, we arranged to meet.

 

The first date was amazing... Great conversation, definite chemistry and the date lasted 6 hours. We had a great time and a laugh.

 

We stayed in contact everyday both by text and on the phone. She was really keen, apparently been talking about me to her friends and family etc... Honestly she seemed really into me.

 

Then date 2. I thought she looked amazing... It seems stupid but I really had a crush on this girl in the space of a week. These are the first feelings of excitement and interest I've felt since my ex. The date was going great until I tried holding her hand. That's all I wanted to do, just hold her hand and she backed right off.

 

We had dinner and went to a comedy night after the hand holding thing, but the mood was definitely altered. I was totally honest and told her I genuily liked her a lot so far and I'm in no rush, but it think holding hands is a pretty basic thing and I'm confused as to what the problem is. She replied with she's not ready, it's too soon after her ex and she just can't progress it any further. She thinks I'm a great guy and loves hanging out with me, but it's only a month since her breakup.

 

I'm just like WTF? A month?! So that's that. A girl persued me, liked me, I fancied her and got shot down instantly after quite a build up in the space of a week.

 

Why oh why go OLD to just play with people? I really genuinely felt something for this one...

 

 

 

This isn't the first incident either... Another girl persued me online and wouldn't progress beyond messaging. She was obsessed with her ex, had serious hang ups and practically tried interviewing me as a potential date. Needles to say I cut her off pretty quick!

 

 

The girl who I gave my number to in real life is my hairdresser. I feel like we really get along and thought going for dinner would be nice. I gave her my number weeks ago... Nothing.

 

A lot of girls I message OLD either reply once and dissapear or just don't reply at all. It takes a LOT of effort writing personal messages to these people and 9 times out of 10 it's a waste of my time.

 

I've just had it with women... I really have...

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Try Tinder

 

OLD is a lot of work, grinding out all those messages. It can work but you have to put in shifts to net results.

 

Tinder is brutally efficient although the dates sometimes can be a bit flakey at least you havent killed weeks messaging back and forth just to see them disappear.

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I've never heard of tinder, just had a quick look not sure if it's established in the UK. It looks interesting...

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Forget about trying tinder (whatever that is), OLD or anything else.

 

You need about 12-18 months ALONE. Don't date anybody, don't hang out with a woman for any reason beyond friendship. Spend some time living your life and having a good time. Go and see a movie alone. Go and eat an expensive dinner alone, heck, go on vacation alone. Learn more about yourself, about your passions and hobbies. Then you'll have some idea of what you like and what you're really looking for.

 

Oh, and a nice bonus is that you're far more likely to meet a compatible woman pursuing your passions than hooking up with random strangers on some dating website frequented by 12 year old Internet trolls.

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Forget about trying tinder (whatever that is), OLD or anything else.

 

You need about 12-18 months ALONE. Don't date anybody, don't hang out with a woman for any reason beyond friendship. Spend some time living your life and having a good time. Go and see a movie alone. Go and eat an expensive dinner alone, heck, go on vacation alone. Learn more about yourself, about your passions and hobbies. Then you'll have some idea of what you like and what you're really looking for.

 

Oh, and a nice bonus is that you're far more likely to meet a compatible woman pursuing your passions than hooking up with random strangers on some dating website frequented by 12 year old Internet trolls.

 

I hear what you're saying. I am doing the alone thing really I am. It does get a tad lonely though. I do miss holding hands and having a hug with someone I feel close to.

 

The online thing isn't full of 12 year old trolls. Just women with man issues which in turn is making me into a man with woman issues. I don't like it, but I'm feeling very jaded.

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Just take a break for a short while to regroup yourself. You just met a couple of messed up women. Not all the women on OLD are nutters. I am online and I am not certainly NOT a nutter. lol

 

 

Just the way people are. its hard to find a mutual connection. Don't give up.

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Take these incidents as a compliment. These women wanted to go out with you so you are clearly attractive.

Your will have more choice later.

 

 

The right woman will see your attractive qualities and will want a normal committed relationship

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Take these incidents as a compliment. These women wanted to go out with you so you are clearly attractive.

Your will have more choice later.

 

 

The right woman will see your attractive qualities and will want a normal committed relationship

 

Thank you. You have a point. I just can't believe how quickly I liked this particular girl, it really seemed to be mutual.

 

I guess there is no rush... Well there is no rush. I'm just really concerned about becoming bitter. I'm a genuine man and all I ask is for a mutual attraction with a nice woman. I'm just discovering how messed up people are...

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Tell me about it!! You should see my past relationships. I seem to attract loony bin men ( its not just the women). But I refuse to be bitter. I still believe in love. Always will.

 

 

Just go slow when you date women. Just because they are enjoying your company doesn't mean that they have honest intentions. Some of them do because it fills their empty weekends, or gives them an ego boost, or just want to date without any commitments.

 

 

In my case a lot of the men I have dated say they want a relationship but I find out pretty quickly that they are just after sex. I have also dated others who were lovely but I didn't feel a spark

 

 

Dating is like that. Breath in between. like you said. There is no rush.

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I don't know your age OP but just remember the older a person is, the more baggage they have.

 

I'm 34. These particular girls are in their late twenties.

 

I had a date once with a 39 year old divorcee. God she was mad ha,ha!

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I don't know your age OP but just remember the older a person is, the more baggage they have.

 

 

Not necessarily.... I don't entirely agree with this.

 

Every age group has different issues....

 

Young girls looking for a good time/sugar daddies,

 

Middle-aged women looking for a step-dad secondary provider....

 

Older ladies looking.... well, desperate, really.....:laugh:

 

I'm kidding, but you get my drift.... and I hate to say it, but guys have their own issues too, so let's not pretend it's all one-sided.

 

But I agree. take a break and try to find enjoyment in being alone, for the sake of the freedom it gives you and the opportunity to do your own thing all the time.

 

It will come, I'm sure.

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I feel your pain also OP.

 

There's some oddballs out there.

I really amazed that someone who had only been single a month was already on a dating site.

 

I do think it's worth perhaps reading more into what people say either in profiles or in mails/calls.

She said she was fresh out of a relationship...clearly she really was fresh out of a relationship!

 

I seem to attract men who want it all now and want it all to be extremely serious very quickly. (no, I don't consider holding hands as extremely serious btw).

I have met a couple of guys who when I have told them I wasn't interested they have then asked me for sex...on the first meet up.

 

Just remember (whatever you decide to do) that what you have experienced was only that particular person.

We're not all crazy. We do have pasts though.

But..if the past is mentioned too too much then it's a very good signal that the person hasn't taken time out to themselves.

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Not necessarily.... I don't entirely agree with this.

 

Every age group has different issues....

 

Young girls looking for a good time/sugar daddies,

 

Middle-aged women looking for a step-dad secondary provider....

 

Older ladies looking.... well, desperate, really.....:laugh:

 

I'm kidding, but you get my drift.... and I hate to say it, but guys have their own issues too, so let's not pretend it's all one-sided.

 

But I agree. take a break and try to find enjoyment in being alone, for the sake of the freedom it gives you and the opportunity to do your own thing all the time.

 

It will come, I'm sure.

 

Yeah I definitely need a break, the funny thing is I already thought that. Then this girl came along and dropped me a message and well... I liked her.

 

You're right different people have different amounts of baggage regardless of age. It's also not one sided and that's what's bothering me... I don't want my own 'issues'.

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I feel your pain also OP.

 

There's some oddballs out there.

I really amazed that someone who had only been single a month was already on a dating site.

 

I do think it's worth perhaps reading more into what people say either in profiles or in mails/calls.

She said she was fresh out of a relationship...clearly she really was fresh out of a relationship!

 

I seem to attract men who want it all now and want it all to be extremely serious very quickly. (no, I don't consider holding hands as extremely serious btw).

I have met a couple of guys who when I have told them I wasn't interested they have then asked me for sex...on the first meet up.

 

Just remember (whatever you decide to do) that what you have experienced was only that particular person.

We're not all crazy. We do have pasts though.

But..if the past is mentioned too too much then it's a very good signal that the person hasn't taken time out to themselves.

 

Thanks.

 

I did have alarm bells when she said she was fresh out of a relationship. I figured ok what's the harm in a casual date right? Well now I know lol!

 

I am the kind of guy who likes getting to know the girl and really feel a connection. I'm not a bed hopper, I just liked this girl and thought holding hands would be nice. She obviously is no where near ready for anything and shouldn't even be on a dating site.

 

I do actually feel ready to date someone new. Which I guess is good progress, but perhaps I need to get the summer out of the way on my own...

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You only came out of a long relationship a short time ago, and as such, there's still bound to be a lot of that you're still going through.

 

You need some time to yourself, because you have to also discern your own wants and needs here;

 

Are you looking for a fulfilling, long-term relationship, or 'just a bit of freedom/good time'?

 

Are you 'gap-filling'?

 

Do you want female companionship because you're lonely? Do you miss sex?

 

It's ok, there are no 'wrong' answers here, but you have to also evaluate what you may want, against what any lady you meet, may want.

 

if she's going to be a 'rebound' that won't sit well with a woman looking for a long-term fulfilling relationship with a mature man...

 

so you need to take stock; maybe the best gift you COULD give yourself is to learn to be absolutely completely happy and comfortable with your own company.

It may help you determine exactly what your heart is doing, and why.

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You only came out of a long relationship a short time ago, and as such, there's still bound to be a lot of that you're still going through.

 

You need some time to yourself, because you have to also discern your own wants and needs here;

 

Are you looking for a fulfilling, long-term relationship, or 'just a bit of freedom/good time'?

 

Are you 'gap-filling'?

 

Do you want female companionship because you're lonely? Do you miss sex?

 

It's ok, there are no 'wrong' answers here, but you have to also evaluate what you may want, against what any lady you meet, may want.

 

if she's going to be a 'rebound' that won't sit well with a woman looking for a long-term fulfilling relationship with a mature man...

 

so you need to take stock; maybe the best gift you COULD give yourself is to learn to be absolutely completely happy and comfortable with your own company.

It may help you determine exactly what your heart is doing, and why.

 

 

I can honestly say I do not want just a good time/sex. I'd like to think I'm not after a rebound kind of thing. Yeah there is a gap in my life... I miss that best friend connection and affection.

 

If I found a connection with someone I'd like it to be a serious thing rather than a fling.

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There are a ton of ****ed up women out there. She likely just wanted to know if she still "had it", and once she found out she did, didn't need anything, and like most narcissists, completely lost the inner drive to make others happy.

 

There are some good women out there though. A lot of my good friends have had wives cheat on them, but they found happiness and long, loving relationships with others.

 

This is going to sound cheesy, but even though I understand giving up on women, don't ever give up on yourself. Focus on living your life and living it well. You lost a 9 year relationship so you know what pain is.

 

But that also means your capacity to feel and understand all emotions has increased, including joy. You can have that.

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There are a ton of ****ed up women out there. She likely just wanted to know if she still "had it", and once she found out she did, didn't need anything, and like most narcissists, completely lost the inner drive to make others happy.

 

There are some good women out there though. A lot of my good friends have had wives cheat on them, but they found happiness and long, loving relationships with others.

 

This is going to sound cheesy, but even though I understand giving up on women, don't ever give up on yourself. Focus on living your life and living it well. You lost a 9 year relationship so you know what pain is.

 

But that also means your capacity to feel and understand all emotions has increased, including joy. You can have that.

 

I don't think that's cheesy. I like what you've said and it's true.

 

Thank you.

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Thanks.

 

I did have alarm bells when she said she was fresh out of a relationship. I figured ok what's the harm in a casual date right? Well now I know lol!

 

I am the kind of guy who likes getting to know the girl and really feel a connection. I'm not a bed hopper, I just liked this girl and thought holding hands would be nice. She obviously is no where near ready for anything and shouldn't even be on a dating site.

 

I do actually feel ready to date someone new. Which I guess is good progress, but perhaps I need to get the summer out of the way on my own...

 

From your other posts you sound pretty sane to be honest and I think you're close to being ready to date after your break up. Trouble is then you date someone for a few dates and bang there's another issue! Meaning you're having the thoughts you are now. It's normal. :)

 

I have to admit I am past taking OLD seriously. I'm on a fairly small UK site with a forum and mostly I visit there for the forums and have made some good friends at a few of the meets.

 

I am learning to open my eyes much more when I am out and about and also do stuff on my own instead of feeling the need to have a bunch of friends around me.

I'm off up to London tomorrow just for a mooch around, I will be armed with my kindle and my shades for reading and people watching and might go check out a gallery too.

My only problem is that I tend to attract men around your age in real life and I'm 45!! :laugh:

 

It could be that doing some new and different things off your own back could help. Being on your own makes you more approachable.

Also, have a read up on psychology and body language. You may be missing signals of interest from women.

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From your other posts you sound pretty sane to be honest and I think you're close to being ready to date after your break up. Trouble is then you date someone for a few dates and bang there's another issue! Meaning you're having the thoughts you are now. It's normal. :)

 

I have to admit I am past taking OLD seriously. I'm on a fairly small UK site with a forum and mostly I visit there for the forums and have made some good friends at a few of the meets.

 

I am learning to open my eyes much more when I am out and about and also do stuff on my own instead of feeling the need to have a bunch of friends around me.

I'm off up to London tomorrow just for a mooch around, I will be armed with my kindle and my shades for reading and people watching and might go check out a gallery too.

My only problem is that I tend to attract men around your age in real life and I'm 45!! :laugh:

 

It could be that doing some new and different things off your own back could help. Being on your own makes you more approachable.

Also, have a read up on psychology and body language. You may be missing signals of interest from women.

 

Very much agreed. And OP, don't you dare take your ex back, ever. Good god you owe it to yourself. Please, please don't.

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You're an adult, you know what you want (or at least what you don't want) go out and get it! It's hard to focus on one part of your life while completely ignoring the other..when it comes down to it you're going to have lonely nights no matter how many awesome activities/hobbies/shenanigans you have going on.

 

My advice would be to keep dating! It only takes one person..the longer you wait the harder it gets. Don't sit back and ignore it. It's not going away anytime soon.

 

I know you've never heard of tinder but I highly recommend it. I consider myself pretty attractive and girls don't talk to me on regular dating sites but on Tinder it's a different story. I'm pretty sure it's in the UK, and if you don't have a phone you can use a droid emulator and fake gps on your computer.

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I've just had it with women... I really have...

 

That's it? that's all it took to give up on women? I met + 100 men over 2-3 years before finding one.

 

I think you still need to spend time alone, you don't want it hard enough yet.

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That's it? that's all it took to give up on women? I met + 100 men over 2-3 years before finding one.

 

I think you still need to spend time alone, you don't want it hard enough yet.

 

You can be alone and still go out on dates. If you're not going out on dates while you're single you're wasting your time..in my opinion.

 

He doesn't want it hard enough yet?..the man wrote a book on loveshack, I think it's safe to say he'd like a girlfriend haha.

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