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Dating a girl with HIV - Persuable?


TSALMG

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So I meet this girl online, hit it off with her instantly, exchange over100 messages in like 3 days. She's 22, a photographer, I'm 24, I run agym.

 

I drive to where she is we meet up, get on awesome, like really awesome.You ever sit down with someone and just feel like you have more to talk aboutthan you'll ever have time to...well talk about? This was like that! We had somuch in common it was ridiculous and we had such similar goals in life.Combined with the fact she's smokin' hot - I was a happy boy! :D

 

I happened to meet some of her family on our 3rd date - moving fast?didn't feel it, felt like this is what I should be doing! Me and her was just right!

 

 

After our third date I had to go to Ireland but we arranged to meet up when I got back. She went randomly a little quiet on me before our 4th date, we meet anyway, we went to the beach near my house, and she was just really..down.I ask her whats wrong, she just burst into tears and, well you know where this is going right - her ex contacted her to tell her he'd been diagnosed HIV positive and to get checked out she did and...well, it was positive.

 

I was kind of like, ugh dealbreaker - I didn't say that obviously onlyI, hands up know practically nothing about the virus and I just kinda thoughtthat was the only outcome. Problem is.....shes got me good, she was like 'Iknow this probably screws up any chance of us going anywhere' but shestill wanted us to be friends, which ive tried, ive tried being her friend - I cant do it, im into this girl like something else believe that, shes gorgeousbut more than that I cant go a day with out talking to her I genuinely cant!

 

 

So I guess my question is.......is this doable, can we make it workregardless? (does that sound insensitive - I don't mean it too! I just don'twant some stupid virus to be the reason I didn't go after this awesome girl! Ilike her, when im with her, im not scared! But I know there is a reality tothis - down the road this could affect her health, our lives, even my health ifI wasn't careful).

 

But people make relationships like this work don't they? I still feel like were dating, we still seeing each other like dates, were still talking every day! I just - I need some advice on how to take this?

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Candy_Pants

HIV isn't a death sentence anymore, but you'll need to be very honest with yourself and her about your reservations and fears.

 

People DO make relationships like this work. Can you?

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You are falling so fast you're bound to crash dude.

 

You can:

 

1) get out of the relationship now or

2) get HIV yourself and then get dumped/breakup whatever after the high wears off.

 

Personally I would go with option 1.

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Grumpybutfun

Start by educating yourself on the virus and what risks are involved in LTRs. Find out how others and the medical community suggest to deal with dating and having an intimate relationship with an HIV positive person. Once you have really researched and read others experiences you will better be able to make an educated decision about this. There are always risks, but there is also hope since there have been HIV positive people in relationships with non HIV people. There are a lot of unknown variables to a situation like this so make a decision with more information.

No matter what you decide, be kind as this woman is scared and ashamed because of something she really did nothing to contract. Treat her with compassion and respect. I can't imagine the fear she is dealing with.

Good luck,

Grumps

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Start by educating yourself on the virus and what risks are involved in LTRs. Find out how others and the medical community suggest to deal with dating and having an intimate relationship with an HIV positive person. Once you have really researched and read others experiences you will better be able to make an educated decision about this. There are always risks, but there is also hope since there have been HIV positive people in relationships with non HIV people. There are a lot of unknown variables to a situation like this so make a decision with more information.

No matter what you decide, be kind as this woman is scared and ashamed because of something she really did nothing to contract. Treat her with compassion and respect. I can't imagine the fear she is dealing with.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

This is very very well said. It's important to keep in mind that HIV medical research has come extremely far. It is a manageable condition. If an HIV-positive person commits to their health, is very regular with their meds and doctor appointments, they can lead a completely normal, healthy life. My dad in fact works as a researcher at an HIV clinic and he knows a lot of people who have done this. It is not uncommon for HIV positive people to be in relationships with those who are not. With strict medication adherence and condoms the risk of sharing is not very high, although it is never zero. Women with HIV can get pregnant and have children without it if they stick to their meds.

 

I think it is good that you realize you need to think about this without jumping ship or saying an instant yes. You do need to think about it. I personally have cystic fibrosis which is a chronic disease that is guaranteed to affect my health and life probably more than HIV-- I would want any partner of mine to feel confident he was all right with that before moving ahead. And if he wasn't, it would be tough but I would understand. To me it sounds like this might be one of those relationships worth it, but only you know that. Best of luck in your research and soul-searching.

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WrinkledForehead

I agree with grumps. Get more information.

 

Bear in mind that it is possible you could contract the disease someday. In addition, if you have children, there is a risk the child could be born with the disease. There have been significant advances in medicine and there are precautions one could take to prevent contraction of the disease, but nothing is guaranteed. Best of luck. ~WF

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I feel for you man you sound like you're right hooked.

 

But I would caution against going for it because you will spend a lot of your relationship helping her manage and trying to ensure that you do not get infected. The romance is high right now but when you get into a daily grind with her if you take the relationship to the living together level ever, the disease will be the elephant in every room.

 

It might be better for the both of you if you broke off the romance, stayed her friend, and she met another HIV positive person whos life the disease already is.

 

Sounds like a sweet girl. I come from experience, not in HIV but in dating girls who had health problems. You end up feeling trapped, because you get sick of always talking about the health problems and you dont feel right about just up and leaving just because they're sick.

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lollipopspot

It is possible to have a relationship with someone who is HIV positive, remain HIV negative yourself, and have HIV negative children (if you want children).

 

Inform yourself with current information. It is all possible. This may not be something that you want to deal with, but it's not what it was 30 years ago.

 

See

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jennifer_Jako

Edited by lollipopspot
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Thanks for all the replies guys

 

Candy pants

HIV isn't a death sentence anymore, but you'll need to be very honest with yourself and her about your reservations and fears.

People DO make relationships like this work. Can you?

Yeah, your right!

I feel like whatever i decide I probably should wait a little, maybe, before having that kind of conversation with her. I dunno, I just don't want to start dumping my fears on her when she must have enough of her own, you know?

 

J21

You are falling so fast you're bound to crash dude

I know, but (this sounds dead cliche but it's true) I've never fallen fast like this before. I loved my ex but I've never felt a connection like this.. its not like just an attraction thing but also like this feeling of just clicking with someone. Really clicking!

 

It's new for me!

 

Grumpybutfun

Start by educating yourself on the virus and what risks are involved in LTRs. Find out how others and the medical community suggest to deal with dating and having an intimate relationship with an HIV positive person. Once you have really researched and read others experiences you will better be able to make an educated decision about this. There are always risks, but there is also hope since there have been HIV positive people in relationships with non HIV people. There are a lot of unknown variables to a situation like this so make a decision with more information.

Thanks, your right!

I did try a little, there's so much infomation out there that it's a little overwhelming. But your right, I can't make a huge decision without knowing half the facts!

 

No matter what you decide, be kind as this woman is scared and ashamed because of something she really did nothing to contract. Treat her with compassion and respect. I can't imagine the fear she is dealing with.

Good luck,

Grumps

I know, me neither!! Literally I want to sit her, stamp my feet and say its not fair like some little kid who didn't get his own way, and then I think of her and how scared she must be and I feel like a tool for even thinking that! I know my head can't be spinning 1% as much as hers is :(

 

Kodakgirl

This is very very well said. It's important to keep in mind that HIV medical research has come extremely far. It is a manageable condition. If an HIV-positive person commits to their health, is very regular with their meds and doctor appointments, they can lead a completely normal, healthy life. My dad in fact works as a researcher at an HIV clinic and he knows a lot of people who have done this. It is not uncommon for HIV positive people to be in relationships with those who are not. With strict medication adherence and condoms the risk of sharing is not very high, although it is never zero. Women with HIV can get pregnant and have children without it if they stick to their meds.

Thanks! Yeah, I know the meds are much better now.. I think cause you seem to hear so little about it, in this country at least, it still feels like, such a big, scary word. But she was telling me this, the doctors, had told her its not curable but it is managable and liveable if she puts the work in. She was telling me the safe pregnancy thing aswell which I confess I didn't know till she told me.

 

We found out on one of our first dates we both wanted 4 kids, which was a bit of a coincidence in itself what with it being a relativly high number!

 

I think it is good that you realize you need to think about this without jumping ship or saying an instant yes. You do need to think about it. I personally have cystic fibrosis which is a chronic disease that is guaranteed to affect my health and life probably more than HIV-- I would want any partner of mine to feel confident he was all right with that before moving ahead. And if he wasn't, it would be tough but I would understand. To me it sounds like this might be one of those relationships worth it, but only you know that. Best of luck in your research and soul-searching.

Thank you!! I didn't want to hurt her by putting the breaks on everything when I found out, but I would of hurt her more if I just pretended like it didn't affect things. I feel like i need to be sure becuase I don't want to be wish washy!

I like her a real lot though, that can't be denied!

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HeartbrokenNewbie

U deserve a standing ovation.. Most people would have run a mile in that situation..good on u for not judging her or stereotyping & taking the time to understand how she must feel & to educate yourself.. U are a good man x

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When I was younger I was dumb and happily didn't care when a girl I was seeing told me she had herpes..... because I thought she was the one for me. Well, turns out she wasn't the one for me. :o I got lucky on that one.

 

Just remember, HIV/AIDs is forever while just about every relationship out there isn't.

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Thank you!! I didn't want to hurt her by putting the breaks on everything when I found out, but I would of hurt her more if I just pretended like it didn't affect things. I feel like i need to be sure becuase I don't want to be wish washy!

I like her a real lot though, that can't be denied!

 

I feel this is absolutely the right thing to do. There's no good in pretending it doesn't affect things. If I were her (or me, with my CF thing) and you were immediately like oh, it's fine, I would assume you either didn't understand it at all or didn't take me seriously as a long-term partner anyway. I admire that you want to take your time to assess your feelings. You need that time. You are right that you don't want to make a rash decision now you end up regretting later. If you say it's fine but realize later you don't feel it's fine and you can't deal with it, that will hurt her much, much more. You haven't said anything about her reaction to yours but I hope she is understanding too. A serious chronic health condition is a big thing to ask a partner to commit to. But it can be really worth it.

 

Take your time. Really think about it. There isn't a right and a wrong choice. Ultimately no one but you knows what you are willing to do, what you can do, and what you really want to do. All the best.

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Strength in Healing

I think he should be commended. You all are saying run, but this guy sounds a little above the average. Good job sir.

 

Whatever you feel, she feels 100000x more. It wasn't her fault she got it. You can have a relationship without contracting it. I say give her a chance and be careful!

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Standard-Fare

It seems safe to assume you haven't had sex yet?

 

If you're really digging her, maybe this is an excellent opportunity to get to know someone on a emotional level, explore non-penetrative sex options with each other, and see where things lead.

 

If you get to the point where you know 100% you want to get serious with her, then you should absolutely talk to specialists/doctors, etc., who can tell you how best to go about the sex part of your relationship without putting yourself at risk. Don't rely on Internet research... get a couple of opinions from professionals.

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I would strongly consider making an appointment with your own physician to discuss the matter. As already said, "Relationships are often temporary while HIV/AIDS last forever."

 

Some of the facts you'll quickly discover are that HIV has become much like diabetes. HIV is manageable but you'll eventually die a slow and painful death from complications, especially with the rise of near impossible to treat opportunistic infections. Don't count on her, or possibly yourself, to live exceptionally long. It costs anywhere from $15,000 to $30,000 a year for one individual to afford the life saving antiretroviral drugs. Bring that total up to $30,000 to $60,000 each year if both of you become infected. Oh yeah, you won't be able to keep your own job indefinitely as complications begin to surface.

 

Stick around and you'll find other topics less morbid. There's a woman who might fall heads over heels, quit her job to move in with a long-distance boyfriend, and lose both her job and her boyfriend in the future. While there are others in similar positions who work things out. All you have to do is carefully think about your options and be realistic. Being without her after a short duration, with HIV, with life-threatening complications, and without a job is a very real possibility for you. You need to be okay with that.

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I am a pharmacist who has been working in the HIV community for over 15 years. The risk of heterosexual transmission is reduced by highly active antiretroviral medications. If her viral load is undetectable and you use rubbers correctly your chances of contracting it are slim to none. HIV, believe it or not, is comparatively difficult to contract when compared to other viruses like Hepatits B. (Noteworthy: Hepatitis B is a common co-infection among patients with HIV. Ask her about her Hep B status. Ask her to show you her labs.) :bunny:

 

Here is a reputable resource to help.

 

IS IT SAFE FOR MIXED-STATUS COUPLES TO HAVE SEX?

 

If you love the girl well controlled HIV doesn't have to be a deal breaker. I know that it is scary but there is a bounty of resources to assist you with the physical and emotional aspects you face.

 

Exciting times in HIV treatment and management. What we do know is backed by volumes of solid scientific data which is rarely the case outside of HIV. The reason... there is plenty of money dumped into HIV research so that Big Pharma makes bank. Peace.

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Oh what a tough situation, and I feel for this female who now has the virus, it really is such life changing.

 

HIV is something I have done a lot of research in, due to how huge of a problem it is in the world. As some have said, having a relationship with someone that has the virus is possible, but you have to bear in mind, it is a completely different dynamic.

 

Firstly, both of you have a ton of information you need to be educated on. For her, she will be on anti-retro viral medication to help control the virus. The amount of medication I have seen some people have to take is just insane, and they have to be taken at the right time, and constantly. If a person with HIV stops taking their medication for whatever reason, this gives the virus that is still in their body a chance to replicate, and her system will now be full of virus that is resistant to her medication (the virus that still exist is the one surviving the medication, given the chance they replicate and now the virus is stronger)

 

Than comes intimate relationships with one another. Exchange of bodily fluids is how the virus is transmitted with one another, in essence unprotected sex. Kissing, holding hands, and such are perfectly fine. The virus can not survive outside of a body, it must always have a host, thus it is through intercourse when it can be transmitted.

 

I'll tell you a story of a man who has HIV and has a life long partner. He's had the virus since the early 90's, back when it was really apparent and not much research was around for it. Him and his partner have been together for over 10 years now, and in that time, they have never had direct intercourse with one another. He (the person with the virus) can not bear the thought of passing the virus to their partner, so at most they will masturbate with one another, no contact or risk of bodily fluid exchange.

 

This extreme doesn't have to be taken, but it is something some relationships go through. You have to realize, that in no point in your relationship, can you ever not be careful when it comes to making love. No heat of the moment, unprotected sex, ever. You always have to prepare, or else you risk contracting the virus. Can you live with that, for the rest of your life? I'm not expecting you to give an answer, but you have to weigh this question in your mind, because it is the reality, the virus is that life changing, not just to her, but to any potential partner of hers.

 

Whatever you decide, just remember however much turmoil you are going through, it doesn't even come close to what she is going through right now. You have a right to be cautious, and if you do end things, do it in the best possible way.

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Smilecharmer

Poor woman, I just feel so incredibly sad for her. You sound like a lovely person, at least thinking about it instead of making a gut decision based on fear.

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I am a pharmacist who has been working in the HIV community for over 15 years. The risk of heterosexual transmission is reduced by highly active antiretroviral medications. If her viral load is undetectable and you use rubbers correctly your chances of contracting it are slim to none. HIV, believe it or not, is comparatively difficult to contract when compared to other viruses like Hepatits B. (Noteworthy: Hepatitis B is a common co-infection among patients with HIV. Ask her about her Hep B status. Ask her to show you her labs.) :bunny:

 

Here is a reputable resource to help.

 

IS IT SAFE FOR MIXED-STATUS COUPLES TO HAVE SEX?

 

If you love the girl well controlled HIV doesn't have to be a deal breaker. I know that it is scary but there is a bounty of resources to assist you with the physical and emotional aspects you face.

 

Exciting times in HIV treatment and management. What we do know is backed by volumes of solid scientific data which is rarely the case outside of HIV. The reason... there is plenty of money dumped into HIV research so that Big Pharma makes bank. Peace.

 

This. This. This. A thousand times this.

 

I work in health care as well. I can echo the same statements. If her viral load is incredibly low (likely to acheive given the current medications available) your risk of contracting the virus is incredibly low. Using barrier protection? Essentially zilch. Also like the previous poster said, HIV is a bit more difficult to contract than other scary viruses (Hep B and C for example)

 

To the poster that mentioned the $15,000-30,000 per year med costs... Umm.. Without insurance? If in the US, there is now a law that prohibits insurance companies from denying coverage due to pre-existing conditions. Between insurance and patient assistance program options, the medications will

not cost remotely close to the quoted amount.

 

Let's not scare OP any more than he is. Individuals with HIV are able to work, have families, lead productive lives, and not to broke trying to pay $30,000 per year for medications. One of my patients found out he was HIV positive. Within a few months or starting meds his viral load became undetectable (can't find any copies of the virus in his blood) and feels great. He was really struggling at the time of his diagnosis and to be quite honest having HIV diagnosis made a lot of resources available to him. He's now enrolled in college classes (with help of vocational rehab) and doing well.

 

Is it always so easy and sunny? No. Not at all. But HIV does not always equal end of life. It's just a different chronic illness that requires close, careful management.

 

OP.. I suggest you meet with a professional that thoroughly understands HIV and ask all the questions that cross your mind. Meet with a social worker. Meet with anyone that works with HIV positive population and get the straight story.

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acrosstheuniverse

I think you should make an appointment with a local sexual health clinic, or your GP, alone. Sit and explain your situation, your fears, and listen to what they say. They may put your mind at rest, or you may find you've acquired enough information to feel as though you don't want to proceed. You sound like an awesome guy, btw. Commendable for not running immediately. There's a massive stigma attached to HIV but as more educated posters have said, these days it's very manageable.

 

I mean, you might have to consider whether you'd be happy with a relationship that didn't include penetrative sex (I don't really understand HIV, and whether it can be communicated just as easily by fluids involved in foreplay etc.?). Personally if I was really into somebody, as much as I love sex I could go without the penetrative sex if necessary. Sex is important, but it's not the whole relationship.

 

I work with a subgroup of individuals, many of whom have Hepatitis, some of whom have HIV. I've had Hep B vaccination and tetanus, but there are occasionally issues with blood coming from someone, or someone walking in with a dirty needle. I use alcohol hand gel, but I will always shake their hands at the start of an appointment as a matter of human decency and to show respect. Life is full of risks, sometimes they're worth taking.

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Ehhh... I'm sorry man. It sucks.

 

I'm not going to come down hard on either side here but I would recommend trying to cut heartstrings quickly. There's potential here for disaster in ways I doubt any of us can fully predict.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I really am.

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The good news for you is, vaginal-to-penis transmission is the lowest of all the penetrative sex HIV transmission rates. If your roles had been reversed she would have a higher chance of getting it, and penis-to-anus transmission is the highest. The bad news is, a risk still exists, and you may need to use condoms most of your life to reduce that. It's workable, but...

 

That being said, this is very early to be calling something 'love'. Very, very early. IMO if you want to continue, then abstain from sex first while taking a few more months to get to know her. If she loves you in return, she will understand your reason and wait for you. See how you feel, say, 6 months in before you make a big decision like having sex with a HIV+ person. Don't use oral sex to circumvent this, that still carries a risk.

Edited by Elswyth
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HeartbrokenNewbie:

U deserve a standing ovation.. Most people would have run a mile in that situation..good on u for not judging her or stereotyping & taking the time to understand how she must feel & to educate yourself.. U are a good man x

Thank you! Honestly though, I'm not anything special, I just like her!

 

Gaius:

When I was younger I was dumb and happily didn't care when a girl I was seeing told me she had herpes..... because I thought she was the one for me. Well, turns out she wasn't the one for me. :o I got lucky on that one.

 

Just remember, HIV/AIDs is forever while just about every relationship out there isn't.

Thanks mate. I know. I know I need to be careful - i'm a bit of a romantic, but not an idiot, I don't want to get sick!!

 

Kodakgirl:

I admire that you want to take your time to assess your feelings. You need that time. You are right that you don't want to make a rash decision now you end up regretting later. If you say it's fine but realize later you don't feel it's fine and you can't deal with it, that will hurt her much, much more. You haven't said anything about her reaction to yours but I hope she is understanding too. A serious chronic health condition is a big thing to ask a partner to commit to. But it can be really worth it.

Her reaction to my reaction or her reaction to the diagnosis?

I dunno really, I haven't really talked to her about where im at (I know its probably wrong and she wouldn't mind but I feel like its a bit much to be dumping my fears/issues on her now, its not like shes even had time to come to terms with her own, y'know?). It was her that was like 'I get this probably screws up anything else happening between us but i'd like to still be friends with you Gus' - I didn't correct her then cause at the time I fully believed she was right, and it did, and I still haven't corrected her or told her outright that im still thinking on it, but I figure that she knows cause like I say we text constantly all through the day, we haven't stopped seeing each other.

 

Take your time. Really think about it. There isn't a right and a wrong choice. Ultimately no one but you knows what you are willing to do, what you can do, and what you really want to do. All the best.

Yeah, true! Thanks!

 

Strength in healing:

I think he should be commended. You all are saying run, but this guy sounds a little above the average. Good job sir.

 

Whatever you feel, she feels 100000x more. It wasn't her fault she got it. You can have a relationship without contracting it. I say give her a chance and be careful!

Thanks man! I know my head isn't spinning 1% as much as hers must be! I get to choose if I can deal with this or not and she doesn't get that choice!

 

Standard-Fare:

It seems safe to assume you haven't had sex yet?

No! ...Another week and we may well of had so I know I was, I guess lucky, there if you can call it that!

 

If you're really digging her, maybe this is an excellent opportunity to get to know someone on a emotional level, explore non-penetrative sex options with each other, and see where things lead.

Yeah, I know what you mean! Its strange cause I've been into other girls before of course, I loved my ex, but never this early on was I so, this sounds a bit fruity and not something that i'd of expected to come out of my mouth, but was I so into someone on a emotional level. As in like I want to talk to her - shes super physically attractive, but...like I'm not someone who's hooked to his phone, I normally leave it at home but im taking it to work with me, out with the dog with me, surfing with me - cause I really enjoy, just texting her. And that is actually what would be the hardest part to walk away from.......which isn't something i'd of ever said before.

 

If you get to the point where you know 100% you want to get serious with her, then you should absolutely talk to specialists/doctors, etc., who can tell you how best to go about the sex part of your relationship without putting yourself at risk. Don't rely on Internet research... get a couple of opinions from professionals.

Yeah, that's a good idea - the internet can be a little confusing cause from what I can see websites contradict each other

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