What would you do in my situation?

[Chewbacca]

First of all, thank you for reading this, it is much appreciated:

 

On a summer holiday, I came across a girl from the hotel who found me on a social media site, despite not talking to each other (she came on holiday not long before I left). We are both college students, she's 17 (I'm a year older). We have spoken to each other almost every day for 5 months via text message & occassionally skype. She's smart, nice, cute, and she feels special to me (unlike most girls that I have known). She smiles when I speak to her & is happy, she loved it & so did I.

 

We've been very close for those 5 months, and I really didn't want this to end. We started talking at the beginning of Autumn. Back in December, I asked when she would like to meet. She said not now, as everything is moving too fast, which it was. She said it would be difficult to maintain as weare at different stages of our lives, but we waited, as I'd be going Univesity layer this year, but I could still visit her weekly if it did work out. Then, in February, I said to her I want to take this slow as she said she wants to meet in the Summer after exams. A few weeks later, I asked her if she'd like to meet during Easter instead, she didn't, and put her down & seemed shy about it.

 

She became more & more unavailable, and 2 weeks later, she texts:

I'll have to blunt saying this but I want to end it.. It was nice to know you.. I'll struggle with distance.. couldn't cope going further... we're bound to make people who make us feel happy.. hope to continue still being friends.

She didn't want to call either which is more disappointing.

I couldn't believe what I saw, neither could my parents.

 

Over a month later, I message her in a friendly way asking how is everything, also in a conversational tone. She is yet to reply, & has became quiet on all social media since that message. Now, I believe she's not talking to anyone else. I don't really know why she stopped talking to me, as distance seems a bit of an excuse, as she would've realised that to begin with. I'm thinking her parents have restricted her, but I did tell her a few months ago to tell them but they only found out a month later by seeing myself text her. I regret making myself available too often, such as being available while I was in a different country. Shr can be emotionally immature at times, such as being bubbly one minute to quiet the next.

 

So, one of my parents believes if she doesn't reply, remove her, and my other suggests waiting until the summer to say something (after exams). I haven't got a clue on what to do. I fought for this & made a lot of effort, I feel it's too hard to give up & move on, this is the person I believed something would click. Yes, we engaged in a virtual manner but we got on so well. I was thinking of sending her a long email/message & trying to settle things. We were great friends to begin with and throughout, so I'm missing that side of it too.

 

I'm trying to think if I did anything wrong. It's also the friendship side I'm missing too, because we were so close to each other. What would your next step be?

[ExpatInItaly]

This is the same girl you created other threads about, correct?

 

OP, you need to let go and move on. I completely disagree with one of your parent's advice to wait to the summer and then contact her again. You already did say something. She didn't reply. I know it hurts, but she is not interested. She was honest and you're ignoring that. You're in very deep denial that she simply lost interest. Stop creating excuses for her actions. She isn't into it anymore.

 

LET IT GO. You are engaging in unhealthy behavior and thought patterns. Everyone in your previous thread already advised you on this. Why did you create another? It's time to move on and focus your attention else where. Obsessing about her is going to be very detrimental to you. Frankly, it already is.

[Chewbacca]

This is the same girl you created other threads about, correct?

 

OP, you need to let go and move on. I completely disagree with one of your parent's advice to wait to the summer and then contact her again. You already did say something. She didn't reply. I know it hurts, but she is not interested. She was honest and you're ignoring that. You're in very deep denial that she simply lost interest. Stop creating excuses for her actions. She isn't into it anymore.

 

LET IT GO. You are engaging in unhealthy behavior and thought patterns. Everyone in your previous thread already advised you on this. Why did you create another? It's time to move on and focus your attention else where. Obsessing about her is going to be very detrimental to you. Frankly, it already is.

 

I created another because I messaged her again recently, and the fact that I would like to be at least friends with her, which is what we were, & I would like to ask her if she still wants to be friends, & then if it doesn't, then there's a better answer. Plus, I thought she was into another guy in the other situation

, when she actually isn't.

[ExpatInItaly]

I created another because I messaged her again recently, and the fact that I would like to be at least friends with her, which is what we were, & I would like to ask her if she still wants to be friends, & then if it doesn't, then there's a better answer. Plus, I thought she was into another guy in the other situation

, when she actually isn't.

 

She hasn't replied for a month. Is that not a clear enough answer? Move on, my friend.

[Chewbacca]

She hasn't replied for a month. Is that not a clear enough answer? Move on, my friend.

 

No I messaged her a couple of days ago, & since then she's been quiet on all social media as a whole. I'm trying to move on, but i'm going through a lot recently and not just this, I just wish I could solve this & send her a long message or something saying goodbye or if she wants to be friends.

[David87]

No I messaged her a couple of days ago, & since then she's been quiet on all social media as a whole. I'm trying to move on, but i'm going through a lot recently and not just this, I just wish I could solve this & send her a long message or something saying goodbye or if she wants to be friends.

 

There's a big difference between friend and doormat.

 

Way do you want your ex to be your friend???? Because you're hoping to get back together with her....

[darkmoon]

you could take comfort and be optimistic that summer will be okay, she does not want distractions til then, she said so, if somebody comes between me and my goals, I choose my goals every time, blunt as that to avoid messing up, leave it til summer like she asked

 

 

too her parents might be strict about study/exams, her and all the family worrying about the lack of jobs these days, you need to be at the top to get on, perhaps her grades were not good, so now it is all focus focus focus, not enjoyable for anybody

[Survivor12]

I created another because I messaged her again recently, and the fact that I would like to be at least friends with her, which is what we were, & I would like to ask her if she still wants to be friends, & then if it doesn't, then there's a better answer. Plus, I thought she was into another guy in the other situation

, when she actually isn't.

 

If she wanted to be friends, you wouldn't have to ask her! She knows that you are way more interested in her than she is in you & your refusal to accept (or even consider) that has made her uncomfortable.

 

Whether she is or isn't seeing someone doesn't really make a difference (& how would you know for sure anyway?) she doesn't want to be with you in either case. You seem to be believing what you want to believe--whatever allows you to convince yourself that not being into you is not her own choice.

 

Look, she's been giving you the hint for months by delaying your meeting that she doesn't really want you to visit her--and I suspect she's even TOLD you but you have refused to hear it. You've given her no choice but to stop responding. Do both of you a favor and leave the girl alone. Seriously. You are bordering on creeper/clinger/stalker behavior.

 

Stop contacting her. As I said before, if she wants to continue any kind of relationship (friendship or otherwise), she will let you know. There's no need for you to ask again.

[Chewbacca]

you could take comfort and be optimistic that summer will be okay, she does not want distractions til then, she said so, if somebody comes between me and my goals, I choose my goals every time, blunt as that to avoid messing up, leave it til summer like she asked

 

 

too her parents might be strict about study/exams, her and all the family worrying about the lack of jobs these days, you need to be at the top to get on, perhaps her grades were not good, so now it is all focus focus focus, not enjoyable for anybody

 

This is what I was thinking too. She said wait until Summer, but i asked if Easter would be better a few weeks later, just as a conversation, but since then, she became distant.

 

Right, this was originally a great friendship, and I have said I miss this too, so I don't want to be told that I've been used as a 'doormat.' In some cases, she's been a bit selfish, as I was always there for her, which was orobably too much to handle, but I did this to show my commitment.

My point is, is that she said she still wants to be friends, but hasn't responded to my message, which she shouldn't say if she doesn't mean it.

I'm not a fan of coming across someone by this method, yes it is odd, but this is the first person I felt everything could click. I'm trying to find what I did wrong, but to be honest, I don't think I did much wrong.

 

I'm trying to move on, but I wish we could be at least friends. I have had a lot of troubles in my life recently so therefore my head isn't exactly right. My only possibilities are speaking to her in the summer, or emailing her a nice paragraph which could make us friends again, but then I think to myself does she deserve that, because she doesn't exactly take into consideration how I feel about this.

[Chewbacca]

If she wanted to be friends, you wouldn't have to ask her! She knows that you are way more interested in her than she is in you & your refusal to accept (or even consider) that has made her uncomfortable.

 

Whether she is or isn't seeing someone doesn't really make a difference (& how would you know for sure anyway?) she doesn't want to be with you in either case. You seem to be believing what you want to believe--whatever allows you to convince yourself that not being into you is not her own choice.

 

Look, she's been giving you the hint for months by delaying your meeting that she doesn't really want you to visit her--and I suspect she's even TOLD you but you have refused to hear it. You've given her no choice but to stop responding. Do both of you a favor and leave the girl alone. Seriously. You are bordering on creeper/clinger/stalker behavior.

 

Stop contacting her. As I said before, if she wants to continue any kind of relationship (friendship or otherwise), she will let you know. There's no need for you to ask again.

 

To begin with, she was obsessively talking to me, like all the time, ringing me a lot of the time. She loved it, and then we became great friends. I'm trying to leave her alone but I find this situation very unfair to me as I've given everything I've got to her. She wanted to think about meeting up in the past, bur why would you want to talk to someone almost every day and not want to meet up or keep talking? I did tell her I wanted to talk less, because I couldn't always cope with it.

 

Originally it was the other way round, she was contacting me, but I wasn't THAT interested other than just a friend. But she used to say things like, 'You're special to me,' and used to always appreciate things. So as a consequence, it has messed with my head, because if you want to talk to someone for 5 months straight surely hints at a possible interest, and not just being friends. I was friendly with her, & she got excited to talk to me. But from nowhere, she changed her mind, and I can only think her parents have persuaded her to not speak to me, perhaps never or until she's older. It's very frustrating, because if her parents knew who i was in person, i think they'd happily allow her to talk to me. I'm not a creep in any form.

[Grumpybutfun]

Have you ever met her in person? Are you sure she is a real person? Do you know what a catfish is?

G

[Chewbacca]

Have you ever met her in person? Are you sure she is a real person? Do you know what a catfish is?

G

 

She is definitely a real person, and I know what a catfish is. She used to sit a few seats from me in the restaurant of the hotel. We never spoke or anything, it just happens she found me on a social media site.

[Grumpybutfun]

She is definitely a real person, and I know what a catfish is. She used to sit a few seats from me in the restaurant of the hotel. We never spoke or anything, it just happens she found me on a social media site.

 

Beware of forming relationships or developing feelings for people through social media. People can lie, exaggerate, be whomever they choose and without real life interaction, you have no way of knowing who they really are as people. Also, a physical aspect gauges body signals and chemistry that you can't determine online.

You need to move on and not be so quick to emotionally invest in flirtations or you are going to end up hurt and disappointed a lot in your life. This was a casual flirting session online, nothing more. It happens all the time with teenagers, it isn't serious to them. I have three kids all who went through this stage.

Move on, go NC, she isn't interested in relating to you at all anymore,

Grumps

[Chewbacca]

Beware of forming relationships or developing feelings for people through social media. People can lie, exaggerate, be whomever they choose and without real life interaction, you have no way of knowing who they really are as people. Also, a physical aspect gauges body signals and chemistry that you can't determine online.

You need to move on and not be so quick to emotionally invest in flirtations or you are going to end up hurt and disappointed a lot in your life. This was a casual flirting session online, nothing more. It happens all the time with teenagers, it isn't serious to them. I have three kids all who went through this stage.

Move on, go NC, she isn't interested in relating to you at all anymore,

Grumps

 

The whole situation could be interpreted in different ways, it's just not fair on me. I've been put all through this for months. Would you say I did anything wrong? i still believe her parents have had input in this, yer feelings changed pretty quickly. It wasn't anything childish in my point of view, we were good friends to begin with. Her parents knew about me for a number of weeks & I tried to be as good to her as I could. It would've been a nice cute friendship or relationship, and her parents would've probably accepted me if they knew who I was. In the past there's been girls & their parents that were afraid of relationships but they trusted me, but I just simply didn't want to be a relationship at a younger age.

 

I've has setbacks recently, & this is one of them. I just wish I could do something about it. I waa thinking of sending her a long message but do you agree/disagree that I should do this? I just don't understand it, I was more mature than her but I brought her along! She would seem to be mature with me.

[Survivor12]

To begin with, she was obsessively talking to me, like all the time, ringing me a lot of the time. She loved it, and then we became great friends. I'm trying to leave her alone but I find this situation very unfair to me as I've given everything I've got to her. She wanted to think about meeting up in the past, bur why would you want to talk to someone almost every day and not want to meet up or keep talking? I did tell her I wanted to talk less, because I couldn't always cope with it.

 

Originally it was the other way round, she was contacting me, but I wasn't THAT interested other than just a friend. But she used to say things like, 'You're special to me,' and used to always appreciate things. So as a consequence, it has messed with my head, because if you want to talk to someone for 5 months straight surely hints at a possible interest, and not just being friends. I was friendly with her, & she got excited to talk to me. But from nowhere, she changed her mind, and I can only think her parents have persuaded her to not speak to me, perhaps never or until she's older. It's very frustrating, because if her parents knew who i was in person, i think they'd happily allow her to talk to me. I'm not a creep in any form.

 

 

Listen to what you are saying--your feelings for her have changed since you began communicating with her, but you can't accept that her feelings about you have changed as well? As for her parents, you are assuming that they don't like you because they don't know you, but you don't know them either so how would you know what they are thinking?

 

Like I said, you are making up excuses in your head and ignoring everything that you don't want to see or hear.

 

We're all just trying to help you face the truth to help you avoid more disappointment. It's up to you whether or not you choose to listen. Good luck.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Out of sight, out of mind. Block her profile and begin NC.

[Chewbacca]

Listen to what you are saying--your feelings for her have changed since you began communicating with her, but you can't accept that her feelings about you have changed as well? As for her parents, you are assuming that they don't like you because they don't know you, but you don't know them either so how would you know what they are thinking?

 

Like I said, you are making up excuses in your head and ignoring everything that you don't want to see or hear.

 

We're all just trying to help you face the truth to help you avoid more disappointment. It's up to you whether or not you choose to listen. Good luck.

 

I fully appreciate your effort to try & express this to me. Basically, I'm interested in girls who are shy & clever, and I like to help them to show that I'm a gentleman (without sounding cheesy). She seemed to have low self esteem & was quite shy of me, apart from being on social media,but I basically made her more confident & happier talking to me.

 

From what I see (ok yes I've not spoken to them) their family seemed quite nice & quiet, a bit like mine really. Yes, it's difficult to say this.

 

Basically, i tried to make her happy and be friends in the long term, and originally something more than that. Whether she'll come back to me in the future, I don't know. I'm really confused (evidently) & I've felt like I scared her away, even though I made her comfortable to speak to me. Her feelings may have changed, maybe because I was showing a little too much affection.

I'm finding it very difficult to get over this.

[Hello_is_it_me]

I fully appreciate your effort to try & express this to me. Basically, I'm interested in girls who are shy & clever, and I like to help them to show that I'm a gentleman (without sounding cheesy). She seemed to have low self esteem & was quite shy of me, apart from being on social media,but I basically made her more confident & happier talking to me.

 

From what I see (ok yes I've not spoken to them) their family seemed quite nice & quiet, a bit like mine really. Yes, it's difficult to say this.

 

Basically, i tried to make her happy and be friends in the long term, and originally something more than that. Whether she'll come back to me in the future, I don't know. I'm really confused (evidently) & I've felt like I scared her away, even though I made her comfortable to speak to me. Her feelings may have changed, maybe because I was showing a little too much affection.

I'm finding it very difficult to get over this.

 

Stop living in the past. You sound desperate. This girl's silence says it all. Sack up and move on!

[Chewbacca]

Stop living in the past. You sound desperate. This girl's silence says it all. Sack up and move on!

 

I'm not desperate, it just hurts! How would you feel if you were in my situation? Helping along somebody & then they disappear. Exactly, isn't nice is it?

Edited April 17, 2014 by Chewbacca

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not desperate, it just hurts! How would you feel if you were in my situation? Helping along somebody & then they disappear. Exactly, isn't nice is it?

 

No, it isn't nice. And no, it's not exactly fair. But that's life, unfortunately. We don't always find the answers we're looking for. We don't always get back what we give to others. We don't always get to say all the things we wish we could have. Things just plain don't work out sometimes. Now's an opportunity to strengthen yourself and learn some new coping mechanisms. Learn not to invest so heavily in someone you've never really spent any time with. Protect yourself a little more so you don't wind up in this position in the future. She didn't feel the same way as you, in the end. It happens.

 

Try to gain a little perspective here, OP. This isn't someone you had a formal relationship with. She wasn't your girlfriend. She lost feelings and tried to be honest and let you know that. However unfair, she doesn't really owe you much beyond that. Again, the same advice: it's time to leave her alone, for real. If you don't and she becomes seriously annoyed with you, you could wind up with a bigger problem on your hands.

[Chewbacca]

No, it isn't nice. And no, it's not exactly fair. But that's life, unfortunately. We don't always find the answers we're looking for. We don't always get back what we give to others. We don't always get to say all the things we wish we could have. Things just plain don't work out sometimes. Now's an opportunity to strengthen yourself and learn some new coping mechanisms. Learn not to invest so heavily in someone you've never really spent any time with. Protect yourself a little more so you don't wind up in this position in the future. She didn't feel the same way as you, in the end. It happens.

 

Try to gain a little perspective here, OP. This isn't someone you had a formal relationship with. She wasn't your girlfriend. She lost feelings and tried to be honest and let you know that. However unfair, she doesn't really owe you much beyond that. Again, the same advice: it's time to leave her alone, for real. If you don't and she becomes seriously annoyed with you, you could wind up with a bigger problem on your hands.

 

At the beginning I didn't spend much time with her but as I thought it would become a reality I started becoming more available, so yeah perhaps your correct in some cases for that.

I will leave her alone, I have been fair with her, all I asked was how are you doing etc, all friendly.

This is my first experience somebody has done this to me, particularly when I believe I haven't really put a foot wrong for her to do this. The only thing I regret is spending a lot of time with her, but I didn't want to hurt her, & I tried to make her feel comfortable. She just seems immature, as I feel pretty weird about the situation now, despite helping her out and things. It's upsetting.

 

I thank you for your time, & apologise if I have angered you in any way.

[sagetalk]

She became more & more unavailable, and 2 weeks later, she texts:

I'll have to blunt saying this but I want to end it.. It was nice to know you.. I'll struggle with distance.. couldn't cope going further... we're bound to make people who make us feel happy.. hope to continue still being friends.

She didn't want to call either which is more disappointing.

 

I couldn't believe what I saw, neither could my parents.

 

This is as common as dirt, nothing shocking about it. Guys who live closer to her will always get priority. Long distance is tough. She was 100% clear. It is over. Move along.

[mokymoky]

The whole situation could be interpreted in different ways, it's just not fair on me. I've been put all through this for months. Would you say I did anything wrong? i still believe her parents have had input in this, yer feelings changed pretty quickly. It wasn't anything childish in my point of view, we were good friends to begin with. Her parents knew about me for a number of weeks & I tried to be as good to her as I could. It would've been a nice cute friendship or relationship, and her parents would've probably accepted me if they knew who I was. In the past there's been girls & their parents that were afraid of relationships but they trusted me, but I just simply didn't want to be a relationship at a younger age.

 

I've has setbacks recently, & this is one of them. I just wish I could do something about it. I waa thinking of sending her a long message but do you agree/disagree that I should do this? I just don't understand it, I was more mature than her but I brought her along! She would seem to be mature with me.

 

Ive been in the same situation and really the best thing to do is let go. If she truly cares about you in any capacity she will contact you on her own.

Do you really want someone where you have to put all the effort in?

It's not worth it to keep thinking and tearing yourself up over this girl who is not interested. I've done it myself and it was just a horrible number of months hoping i'd hear something back.

So just try focusing on the friends close to you now and other distractions so you can build a circle that does not involve her.

 

Really sorry about your situation though!

Wish you the best.

[Chewbacca]

Ive been in the same situation and really the best thing to do is let go. If she truly cares about you in any capacity she will contact you on her own.

Do you really want someone where you have to put all the effort in?

It's not worth it to keep thinking and tearing yourself up over this girl who is not interested. I've done it myself and it was just a horrible number of months hoping i'd hear something back.

So just try focusing on the friends close to you now and other distractions so you can build a circle that does not involve her.

 

Really sorry about your situation though!

Wish you the best.

 

Thanks for your input. Basically it really annoys me the fact she seems to have only used me to boost her confidence, which I was I trying to do, but not to the point where she doesn't appreciate or see that or disappears from me.

What really frustrates me is that the only person who as benefitted from this is her. My aim was to improve her confidence, be good friends, and maybe get serious with it in the future. It's horrible, & I wish I could tell her this, because she doesn't see it. I was aware that this could happen, and it did, which has affected me a lot, educationally and mentally. She has gone very quiet on all social media since I sent that message.

 

It's not fair I'm going through this, & yes as others have said, some things aren't fair, but when you are aware this could happen, that's what makes matters worse. I wasn't keen on the idea of how we met at first, but then I thought to myself, let's see how it goes, and then the worst happens. I want to get my message across to her that I tried to help her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for your input. Basically it really annoys me the fact she seems to have only used me to boost her confidence, which I was I trying to do, but not to the point where she doesn't appreciate or see that or disappears from me.

What really frustrates me is that the only person who as benefitted from this is her. My aim was to improve her confidence, be good friends, and maybe get serious with it in the future. It's horrible, & I wish I could tell her this, because she doesn't see it. I was aware that this could happen, and it did, which has affected me a lot, educationally and mentally. She has gone very quiet on all social media since I sent that message.

 

It's not fair I'm going through this, & yes as others have said, some things aren't fair, but when you are aware this could happen, that's what makes matters worse. I wasn't keen on the idea of how we met at first, but then I thought to myself, let's see how it goes, and then the worst happens. I want to get my message across to her that I tried to help her.

 

Hm. Can you elaborate on how this has affected you?

 

OP, I mean this kindly...is there someone in your life you can speak to about this? It is very troubling that this type of situation has taken such a toll on you. For your own sake, it might be a good idea to speak to a counselor or a trusted person who can help guide you. I think you would benefit from learning some new coping strategies and a fresh perspective. It will also serve to help you deal with any future disappointments.