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My Boyfriend Has a Disability


Leigh 87

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My boyfriend has a disability and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

 

It would be so kind if you could read this all and help me come to terms with things.

 

He had a stroke and the only side affect is his memory... or lack there of......:o

 

He remembers me, our first date, most things he remembers.. he remembered that he was smitten with me, he remembered to call or text every day from date one. He DOES remember most things. However, short term, he tends to forget things after they occur. It took me until the end of our first date, about 6 hours, for me to even notice though.

HIs intelligence in intact, but he will never be able to study due to his short term memory; he would read something and then forget about it. Only to remember a day or two later?

He also cannot drive which rules out a lot of employment prospects, since if he could drive, he could get his excavator and truck licenses like my ex and make a good income. My boyfriend was a naturally adept driver, like many men it seems.

He lost like, 3% of vision in his left eye. He is aloud to drive in other countries just not in Australia.

 

Now lately I am feeling a lot of dread surrounding the future. Can you guys please listen, I just need to talk this out....

 

I am getting my honours degree in social work, and lets just say as a case worker or whatnot, I will start on 60 plus K a year. I will get considerably more once my career progresses. I regularly look on employment pages and my future looks bright.

On top of my degree I am also doing a diploma in youth work (at he same time, yikes) so I can get 400 plus hours of volunteer work under my belt which I will continue throughout my college degree.

The diploma will allow me to get a get work during college, well perhaps not full time but you know, 30 hours per week..

 

I do event work weekends as it stands but the youth work diploma will enable me to get more solid, stable and career orientated work that will in turn, help me get a job once I finish my social work degree.

SO I will have saved money during my college degree due to event work and my youth work diploma, I will then get my degree and then get a job that will allow me to live comfortably.

At first I was fine with my boyfriends disability but now I realise that my bf has VERY limited employment prospects.

He cannot drive things, he cannot study....

 

He had his stroke JUST before he was about to start college:( He lived in London for a years or so, came back, was due to start college and had a fcking stroke. Was in rehab for many months. His memory was way too screwy to function at all for years, his parents had to take care of him. He couldn't exactly date or do normal things:(

He has been a chef twice per week at the same boys boarding school for 10 years, so it is great he can hold a job.

He worked as a helper at a retirement home for the past 5 or 6 year, knocking down walls, as a maintenance man yet he thinks they are going to let him go due to him forgetting things... Like, being shown a room and then forgetting where it is:(

He will only ever get about 20 an hour as a chef, and he got 50 an hour for the maintenance work which he is about to be dismissed from.

 

Sigh. He wants a kid or two which I am fine with one day if we worked out long term.

What scares me is..... well, if he is ALWAYS going to be a very low income worker, I DO NOT want to have to spend FOUR YEARS slaving away studying for a degree, an HONOURS degree (they mark you hard, I normally got high distinctions yet I only gets PASSES now...)...

....I feel I am going to slave away at a degree only to have to then have kids immediately due to my age, with little savings prior, and then I Will have to essentially support my bf AND a child or two on my social work salary.

I wanted to travel overseas, get regular botox..... not have to live paycheck to paycheck, struggling to look after a man and our child/children.

...which I WILL have to look after him, if he is only earning minimum wage, about 20K a year...... when I will be earning 60 plus K.........

 

Our joint income will be enough to.. well geez, 80K is enough for two adults to live well but NOT children. I would NEVER get to have a holiday overseas.

 

I am not comfortable with the idea of having to support him and his kids that he wants.

 

I AM NOT aiming for a professional career of my dreams JUST to "get by".

JUST to be able to put food on the table.

I wanted to do things other than merely "surviving".

 

I did fall in love with him for who he is, but I..... I believe in falling madly in love more than once in my lifetime, I do not think he is the only man I will fall in love with and who will also adore me the way this man does.

I have felt differently about him lately, now that the implications of his disability have sunken in, something has "changed" with me.

 

I do not think less of him due to him having a disability.

 

I just don't like the idea of a future with a man who will not be able to support a family, that HE wants, NOT me.

If he didn't want kids I would feel comfortable but I know he truly wants kids, and I feel he should have the chance NOW to look for a woman who is happy to have children with a low income earner.

Perhaps he will find a woman who is a high income earner? Or just a woman who wants kids badly enough to be poor in order to have them.

 

He promised me that he wouldn't have kids if he was too poor to afford them.

My good friend said " well Leigh, if he truly wants kids he will still want them, even if he is a low income earner; he will want you to have kids with him, he will want them badly enough to override the fact that you wont have much money or material things...."

 

......He does have a father who is 70 and has money. My boyfriends ONLY HOPE of making an average or better than average wage is if he opens a café or pizzeria.

...Literally the ONLY options he has to earn above minimum wage. He has no other options that will elevate him out of poverty.

Even if he was a full time chef, he would first of all need to go through an occupational therapist to get work, since the therapist would have to warn employers that he has a disability.

He would need help to get full time work, and he will only ever be paid 20 bucks per hour as one.

 

He gets a pension that would be cut in half if he were to work full time.

 

 

 

 

He has saved 30K for a house deposit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel low. My girlfriend met a guy who is crazy about her and she is super smitten with him. He earns 70K a year and she is about to enter into 50K plus work.

....Sorry but I am not happy about a life where my friend and her partner will get to travel the world AND have kids, when hypothetically my bf and I would be stuck at home with kids, never able to leave the country due to his lo income...:sick:

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To be frank, my master plan was to get my honours degree, have some cash saved up BEFORE I finish my Uni degree, and then travel the world single in my yearly breaks off from work.

 

I also dreamed of having a back yard that I could house abandoned and stray dogs in.

 

I WILL NOT be able to fulfil my dreams with this man; he wants kids, he is and likely always will be a low income earner and with him, I would have to forgo my dreams in order to have his kids and be poor.

 

I wanted to also support my parents after all they have done for me. I wanted to take mum overseas...:(

 

I suddenly feel very differently about my relationship.

 

:(

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This is really hard,

 

Mum just got off the phone to me,

 

My family told her how obvious it is that my bf adores me/is crazy about me:(

 

He just took the rubbish out, about 5 bags of rubbish, he spent half an hour sorting the recycling out... only for my cat to destroy it, then he cleaned it up and sorted it all out again.....

 

I couldn't ask for a more honest and genuine man:(

 

I just feel badly about stringing him along, only to leave him when he wants kids and he is on a low income.

 

Doesn't he deserve to be free to find a woman who wont mind having kids with a low income earner?

 

Should I just stay with him and leave it, and give him a chance to sort his career out?

 

I feel it is only fair of me to get my OWN career on track, which will take 3 - 4 years, before I make any decision as to HIS career and financial prospects......

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todreaminblue

Hard one leigh.....my immediate empathy went to your partner......i see your side the botox no sorry dont see that as being a goal over a happy relationship,or even a consideration for unhappiness in the future

 

 

 

 

i think you need to know what you want out of life more.....a loving boyfriend or travel and wanting someone who has money to share your dreams......what are his dreams?...i feel you need to seriously talk to him.....hugs...deb

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Driftking102

dump his ass and do what makes you happy. I Recently was with my ex awhile ago and she made my life a living hell. I was not as into her as i thought and also recently turned gay. Not because of my ex. I had been thinking about sleeping with men way before I met my ex. I wanted to make sure i wasn't in denial about myself and I wasn't. I could had so much trouble sleeping with my ex that sex was no fun for us. I lost attraction towards my ex and dumped her. She was also taking all my money and not doing anything in return. This proved my theory that I am gay and came out and am damn proud of it.

 

I finally get to have a life i want and be happy and not have to worry about the dreads of having someone that can't do what you want them to do. My girlfriend wouldn't take the effort to do anything for me and was super lazy and not the person i thought she was. So after ranting on in my story, I would say dump him. Its better to dump someone now before you end up getting married to them or living with them. Its your life not his. You have to do what makes you happy.

 

I came out and am gay and am super happy i did so. I don't have to be miserable. My whole family supports my decision to find happiness. If your decision is to dump him and go find another man then do so. Or if your decision is to dump him and turn lesbian and find a women who can full fill your dreams and fantasys do it! The whole point of this is do what makes you happy and don't let anyone else tell you not to do it. :) It may hurt his feelings but he will get over it. Like you said he has short term memory so he will most likely forget about you in the long run down the road even if you dont dump him.

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Hard one leigh.....my immediate empathy went to your partner......i see your side the botox no sorry dont see that as being a goal over a happy relationship,or even a consideration for unhappiness in the future

 

 

 

 

i think you need to know what you want out of life more.....a loving boyfriend or travel and wanting someone who has money to share your dreams......what are his dreams?...i feel you need to seriously talk to him.....hugs...deb

 

 

 

 

 

He wants to settle down and in about 6 years, have a family.

 

He doesn't care if he ever travels again.

 

He doesn't care if we had kids and never had the chance to travel overseas again.

 

And yes I want regular botox as I age, always have and always will.

 

SANS the botox, my 60 plus K a year starting salary after college, combined with his mere 20 K, will not be enough to start a family.

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Strength in Healing

 

SANS the botox, my 60 plus K a year starting salary after college, combined with his mere 20 K, will not be enough to start a family.

 

 

Damn, Australia must be overpriced as heck.

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dump his ass and do what makes you happy. I Recently was with my ex awhile ago and she made my life a living hell. I was not as into her as i thought and also recently turned gay. Not because of my ex. I had been thinking about sleeping with men way before I met my ex. I wanted to make sure i wasn't in denial about myself and I wasn't. I could had so much trouble sleeping with my ex that sex was no fun for us. I lost attraction towards my ex and dumped her. She was also taking all my money and not doing anything in return. This proved my theory that I am gay and came out and am damn proud of it.

 

I finally get to have a life i want and be happy and not have to worry about the dreads of having someone that can't do what you want them to do. My girlfriend wouldn't take the effort to do anything for me and was super lazy and not the person i thought she was. So after ranting on in my story, I would say dump him. Its better to dump someone now before you end up getting married to them or living with them. Its your life not his. You have to do what makes you happy.

 

I came out and am gay and am super happy i did so. I don't have to be miserable. My whole family supports my decision to find happiness. If your decision is to dump him and go find another man then do so. Or if your decision is to dump him and turn lesbian and find a women who can full fill your dreams and fantasys do it! The whole point of this is do what makes you happy and don't let anyone else tell you not to do it. :) It may hurt his feelings but he will get over it. Like you said he has short term memory so he will most likely forget about you in the long run down the road even if you dont dump him.

 

 

 

umm,

 

Well congratulations on coming out.

 

I kissed a few girls and didn't enjoy it thanks, but I will keep it in mind:)

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Damn, Australia must be overpriced as heck.

 

 

 

I want to travel overseas in most of my yearly breaks.

 

I want botox. once a year.

 

I want to house homeless dogs in my yard.

 

80K as a joint income will not be enough for all of that plus kids.

 

I don't even want kids to be honest. With the right guy I would consider it, when I first fell in love with my boyfriend I thought about having his children.....

 

It was a happy thought until I realise I would have to give up ALL my dreams just to have kids.

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todreaminblue
He wants to settle down and in about 6 years, have a family.

 

He doesn't care if he ever travels again.

 

He doesn't care if we had kids and never had the chance to travel overseas again.

 

And yes I want regular botox as I age, always have and always will.

 

SANS the botox, my 60 plus K a year starting salary after college, combined with his mere 20 K, will not be enough to start a family.

 

 

how much si enough to safely start a family...and not all families who struggle financially have a lack of love.....it is stressful juggling money i panic often....btu the struggle is worth it when i pay my bills......and i can smile...i am a single mother of five children now......they may not have all the latest clothes but they have me,.......and i love them ..i knew when i had them i would struggle.......even when i was with my partner.....but the struggle is worth it.......deb

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I am sure you are a wonderful mother deb.

 

I am an only child though and I have no desire to have a family of my own, unless I meet a man like my current partner who adores me and etc AND he will be able to help me provide for them.

 

I don't want kids enough to live poorly for them.

 

btw my kids would live in vinnies clothes, they grow fast so yeah I was not planning on ever giving my kids the latest clothes.

 

I would however, insist hey have braces if needed and I want to take them overseas once or twice.

 

I am NEVER going to have kids and struggle. Having kids with a low income earner = " well I have kids, we don't have much and we never get to travel overseas, but hey, I love them more than anything as we are so happy"

 

 

I DO NOT want that ^^^^^^ I DO NOT want to be the "happy mother who loves her kids more than anything yet, you know, will NEVER get o go overseas again in her lifetime... Or well, do anything besides put food on the table for a family"

 

Deb, you are truly selfless and you have dedicated your whole life to your children. That is very admirable.

 

While I am very generous and supportive of others, I am not that selfless.

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I really see your point. I recently started seeing someone that makes just a little more than half what I do. I do make *very* good money but it makes me wonder if we could live "as I'm accustomed" while raising a family. Your concerns seem to be beyond lifestyle and more about actually making it work without excessive stress. Sooo...

 

These are legitimate concerns. I think being open with him about your concerns is fair. I think asking him to have a reasonable plan in place is fair. Financial troubles are a huuuuge reason for divorce and failed relationships. Having a firm understanding of his realistic earning potential and what plans he has for the future are not only a good idea but necessary.

 

I'd suggest talking to him about it. I really don't think expecting him to open a pizzeria or cafe is realistic giving his memory issues. Here in the US we have "vocational rehab" that can help figure out what he can do for work and provides money for training and tools necessary. I'd see if there are similar resources there.

 

Most importantly... It needs to be HIM interested in finding resources available to change his situation or make plans for the future. Maybe he is. I don't know. All you can do is express your concerns and see what action he takes.

 

Sorry to hear this. "Big girl problems" suck.

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You still haven't grasped the concept of what Dating / Relationship is all about.

 

1. Dating / Relationship is not a marriage or till death due you part.

 

2. You can Date and have a Relationship strictly for "fun" (meaning you have NO end result, expectations or goal whatsoever).

 

3. Some skip step number 2 above altogether and many that started out as "fun" either one or both of you "progress" and are looking for an answer to a question.

 

What is the question, you ask?

 

"Is this the person I want / am going to spend the rest of my life with?"

 

If either of you decided to stop dating, break up or end a relationship for WHATEVER reason... You both now have the answer to that question and the answer is, NO.

 

Just because you don't like the answer to the question doesn't mean that you are to take it personal, think it's a reflection of you, your self-worth or TRY AND CHANGE THE ANSWER.

 

What's the alternative?

 

To deny yourself or the person you were with their own happiness? To take it personal, lose all your self-respect, dignity and chase after someone who doesn't want you? To forgo all your hopes, wishes and dreams to stay with someone you shouldn't / don't want to be with?

 

How on earth could anyone view the above a success?

 

A break up is not a failure, it's an answer to a question and the successful conclusion of your relationship.

 

 

 

 

I would never chase a man that doesn't want me.

 

Anyone on here who knows me through my posts knows that I no longer tolerate men who are not super into me.

 

My current bf adores me which is clear to my entire family and friends.

 

That isn't enough to give up my dreams I have had my entire life.

 

There are other men out there who will fall madly in love with me one day, my current bf aint the only one.

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I really see your point. I recently started seeing someone that makes just a little more than half what I do. I do make *very* good money but it makes me wonder if we could live "as I'm accustomed" while raising a family. Your concerns seem to be beyond lifestyle and more about actually making it work without excessive stress. Sooo...

 

These are legitimate concerns. I think being open with him about your concerns is fair. I think asking him to have a reasonable plan in place is fair. Financial troubles are a huuuuge reason for divorce and failed relationships. Having a firm understanding of his realistic earning potential and what plans he has for the future are not only a good idea but necessary.

 

I'd suggest talking to him about it. I really don't think expecting him to open a pizzeria or cafe is realistic giving his memory issues. Here in the US we have "vocational rehab" that can help figure out what he can do for work and provides money for training and tools necessary. I'd see if there are similar resources there.

 

Most importantly... It needs to be HIM interested in finding resources available to change his situation or make plans for the future. Maybe he is. I don't know. All you can do is express your concerns and see what action he takes.

 

Sorry to hear this. "Big girl problems" suck.

 

 

 

Thanks for being so understanding. Many people are like " oh my, you want to put botox and overseas travel before finding love and having children"

 

Well see I was a high school drop out and I have since went back, worked my ass of to get good grades, and I cam now get into law school if I wanted to based on my grades.

 

I feel like I went back to school and have a second chance at life, and since I was very young I have wanted to travel the world.

 

I am a free spirit and wanted to get my degree, make a professional income and travel the world every year in my breaks, come home to my rescue dogs, and yeah.

 

I am not sure I am ready to be tied down, I once thought that being madly in love meant you would do anything for your partner...........

 

I did fall for him hard, he did give me butterflies, I did genuinely fall in love with him.....

 

As for his predicament, he IS NOT HAPPY with it. He is very upset. He is ADAMANT he will make a decent income somehow.

 

I am not ready to make a decision right now, he has gotten extremely close with me and he adores me.

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If he's cleaning your house for you I don't know how you haven't dumped him already. :p

 

 

 

 

He is lovely.

 

Really, I am thrilled, I feel blessed to have a man who does nice things for me. He cooks dinner, cleans it up, takes the trash out....

 

My ex would just take a shower here, leave his towels on the floor and go to sleep.:sick:

 

Trust me I know how lucky I am.

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Do_The_Herp

Leigh, Driftking sounds horribly insensitive to both your and your boyfriend's plight.. Wouldn't take his advice too seriously, he's coming from another world of experience and perception and is likely a very different person from you. I wonder if DriftKing found his perfect soul mate in another guy, and the guy had a stroke suddenly.. Would he talk about throwing him away like he's trash, as if he intended on having a stroke and possibly dying just to piss him off out of left field..

 

Obviously the love of your life has done nothing wrong, other than have terrible luck to have a stroke at such a time in his life.. But this could be very hard, and you may have to let him know that if you stay, you'll be miserable and live a life of regret and what could have been..

 

Leigh, I want to say something privately. Going to PM you.

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BeholdtheMan
This is really hard
This really boils down to one question: Do you love this man enough to bear the costs of his disability? If you stay with him, you most definitely will have to suffer the drawbacks of his disability along with him. It will affect him directly but to a great extent, you too will be affected, albeit "indirectly". You'll have to put up with it.

 

You have to be very honest when asking yourself this question. Ordinary love does not conquer all. Extraordinary love has a chance of conquering all. Is your love for him extraordinary? Is it enough to overcome such a major burden? From what you've typed, I don't think it is. Leaving him now might hurt him, but leaving him later will only hurt him more

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I want to travel overseas in most of my yearly breaks.

 

I want botox. once a year.

 

I want to house homeless dogs in my yard.

 

80K as a joint income will not be enough for all of that plus kids.

 

I don't even want kids to be honest. With the right guy I would consider it, when I first fell in love with my boyfriend I thought about having his children.....

 

It was a happy thought until I realise I would have to give up ALL my dreams just to have kids.

Dump him. He'd be better off with a woman who has better priorities. Love and kids come before botox and expensive vacations. I couldn't marry a woman who didn't feel the same.

 

Considering your dating history, truly think about whether you'll find such a devoted guy again. And its not like you just found out about your bfs life situation. Why waste his time to begin with? Also, you need to be more realistic about the kind of salary fresh grads receive...especially if you don't have professional experience on the field to back it up.

 

I really think you should let this guy find a woman who will accept him for who he is.

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BeholdtheMan
Dump him. He'd be better off with a woman who has better priorities. Love and kids come before botox and expensive vacations. I couldn't marry a woman who didn't feel the same.

This sounds harsh but it's valid advice

 

If you find it hard to digest, simply replace "better priorities" with "more compatible priorities". The gist remains the same. I don't think you love your current BF enough to share the burden of his disability.

 

You're not obligated to do so. You're not a bad person if you choose not to share his burden. You will however be a very callous person if you choose to keep him around as a back-up while fishing for a better catch

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I really gotta say...

 

I think the bigger issue here might be having kids. You don't want them. He does. You say you would be open to it... I don't know. If you're not wanting to waiver on the Botox and overseas vacations (entirely your right to not do so!) then I'm puzzled as to how you could make such a HUGE change to your future as having kids.

 

It's two entirely different futures.

 

I'd say if you independently don't want kids, it's probably a poor decision to have them because a partner (who can't support them nonetheless) wants them.

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Let this guy go. You're way too concerned with material goods (Botox? Really? You've planned a lifetime of it in advance?) and keeping up, or surpassing, the Joneses:

 

"

I feel low. My girlfriend met a guy who is crazy about her and she is super smitten with him. He earns 70K a year and she is about to enter into 50K plus work.

....Sorry but I am not happy about a life where my friend and her partner will get to travel the world AND have kids, when hypothetically my bf and I would be stuck at home with kids, never able to leave the country due to his lo income.

 

"

 

Life isn't fair. Life wasn't fair to your boyfriend at all, and he certainly doesn't deserve you to top it off. Finish school and see how you do alone; see if you really pull in the money you project for yourself. OR, move to the states, where it would be pretty damn easy to raise kids on 80K a year.

 

Your boyfriend will be fine after the breakup; that memory problem will serve him well.

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I'm not clear...did he have a stroke recently, after you started dating him, or is this a condition you've been aware of that he had prior to you dating him?

 

 

How long have you been dating?

 

 

Regardless, it's important that you do something that makes you happy. It doesn't sound like you'd be happy with this guy being unable to provide for you and your dreams in some fashion.

 

 

Not that you have to make the decision immediately. You're not even done with college, from the sound of things. You don't need to decide whether you want to marry this guy or spend the rest of your life with him right now, though it's definitely worth considering all the factors.

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