How and when during the dating process do you make your boundaries known?

[kaylan]

In my experience, within the first month, a girl will let me know her boundaries and expectations with regard to dating me. For example "I dont really like getting physical with more than 1 guy"...usually leads to the conversation of whether I plan to sleep with anyone else. Or if a girl gives me her opinion on the boundaries of someone elses relationship...."yeah Im kinda the same way with regard to....."

 

Me, I like being more matter of fact if certain things come up. Like usually we talk about our longest relationships, and why they didnt work...and from there the boundaries conversation usually comes up. Like last year I briefly saw a girl, and I found out her ex was a best friend of hers. I voiced my opinion on it and we chose to part ways.

 

And if I wanted to get my point across regarding honesty and trust usually that happens when Im asked about my exes. If a girl asked about my exes Id say "My past has taught me a lot about what I need and what I can give..so nowadays I go with my gut and dont ignore certain things like I used to. I cant stay around when Ive been lied to about anything." Ive noticed some women are similar. If you ask them why a relationship didnt work, and if the dude did something wrong, she will bluntly state what she expects.

 

So how do some of you tackle boundaries? Do you outright state them? Do you beat around the bush? Or do you expect someone to just know whats ok and not ok with you?

[soccerrprp]

So how do some of you tackle boundaries? Do you outright state them? Do you beat around the bush? Or do you expect someone to just know whats ok and not ok with you?

 

Yes, state them clearly as as soon as possible. It is risky to assume that the people you date do and will do what is expected. And certainly don't assume that anyone knows what is OK WITH YOU.

[Leigh 87]

Yeah I have this conversation early on. With the guys I click with and who seem to like me enough, they don't mind.

 

 

I ask them their last relationship, their longest relationship... I tell them about mine, briefly why they didn't work and how I am much better off for it.

 

 

 

For starters, it is important that they are positive and not... bitter. Positive people are more attractive to me.

 

 

 

 

Lastly, I tell them that I have been with a slightly higher than average number of men sexually (about 20 msn at age 27, all long term R's and only one year of life when I racked up the high count)

 

 

 

That way, they can make a decision based on who I present myself to be NOW, in the present, (I don't have threesomes or sleep with guys outside relationships at this stage in life), OR whether my past concerns them too much for them to trust me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Really, if a person is really into you, they deserve to know ASAP if they are uncomfortable with your past and therefore can walk away before they invest more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I brought it up on the... second or so date, I just said " look, there are a few things about me you may like to consider before continuing with our dates, I personally don't want to get excited to see you when I know there are things that could be deal breakers"

 

 

 

 

So far none of them cared and it went smoothly.

 

 

 

 

One of them thought I was disgusting when I told him AFTER the fact, after we slept together, that I had actually had a wild past somewhat.

 

 

 

 

I told him I had an STI test and could show him the results but yeah. TO no avail...

[thecrucible]

Yeah I have this conversation early on. With the guys I click with and who seem to like me enough, they don't mind.

 

 

I ask them their last relationship, their longest relationship... I tell them about mine, briefly why they didn't work and how I am much better off for it.

 

 

 

For starters, it is important that they are positive and not... bitter. Positive people are more attractive to me.

 

 

 

 

Lastly, I tell them that I have been with a slightly higher than average number of men sexually (about 20 msn at age 27, all long term R's and only one year of life when I racked up the high count)

 

 

 

That way, they can make a decision based on who I present myself to be NOW, in the present, (I don't have threesomes or sleep with guys outside relationships at this stage in life), OR whether my past concerns them too much for them to trust me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Really, if a person is really into you, they deserve to know ASAP if they are uncomfortable with your past and therefore can walk away before they invest more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I brought it up on the... second or so date, I just said " look, there are a few things about me you may like to consider before continuing with our dates, I personally don't want to get excited to see you when I know there are things that could be deal breakers"

 

 

 

 

So far none of them cared and it went smoothly.

 

 

 

 

One of them thought I was disgusting when I told him AFTER the fact, after we slept together, that I had actually had a wild past somewhat.

 

 

 

 

I told him I had an STI test and could show him the results but yeah. TO no avail...

 

haha

 

I posted a thread on here recently asking what to tell men about my past. Maybe I should take your attitude - just be more up front, tell them what I'm looking for and more about my background?

 

I don't think I'll go full disclosure but I think I'll follow your way of doing things . It would save me a lot of trouble getting involved with the wrong people. It would also save me and other people time. I like it!

 

I know not everyone is going to love me for my past but instead of walking away; my ex treated me with high levels of disrespect and basically treated me like a whore. He wanted his woman totally chaste even though he's a massive manwhore musician haha. Anyway, if I had been up front with him sooner, his terrible attitude would have been revealed and I wouldn't have had to date him for a month. Lesson learnt.

 

That whole relationship basically taught me that you have to be up front about things ASAP even if there's a chance of scaring the person away. I'd much rather have someone who respects me, than someone who has to make themselves like me, or make themselves okay with who I am.

 

I like your way of thinking.

 

How do you think that translates to online dating? Do you think it's a good idea to be up front in an online context as well?

[kaylan]

^Theres no need to be mega upfront online. Wait until youve gone on a few dates with someone before talking any sort of serious sounding talk.

[Leigh 87]

I only told online guys once we went on a date or two and they seemed to be into me and vice versa.

 

I only date guys I am super into and have the rare wow factor with. When you're in this position, you could end up hurt a month or two later when they find out that you slept with that many guys and promptly leave you.

 

 

If you don't tell them early on don't bother after you break up, that one guy got quiet mad at me over it.

 

 

 

I think you should know what you want and there is little point in asking a person to say, text less or more or stop flirting/going on dates with other people after you meet for the first time....

 

 

 

 

Personally, I want a guy who naturally adheres to my boundaries because he is really into me and he doesn't want to date other women.

 

 

 

 

 

If I have to tell a guy not to over step boundaries, he is usually not that into me to begin with.

[kaylan]

Leigh, is it possible you fix your posts so that they form paragraphs? You have line breaks after one or two sentences all the time, and it makes your posts long looking and a pain to read. Its like you hit the enter key three times after each sentence.

 

I remember asking you about this a while back. Tbh, the way you post sometimes makes me skip reading what you say. Im sure others will agree itd be easier to read your posts with proper formatting.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, is it possible you fix your posts so that they form paragraphs? You have line breaks after one or two sentences all the time, and it makes your posts long looking and a pain to read. Its like you hit the enter key three times after each sentence.

 

I remember asking you about this a while back. Tbh, the way you post sometimes makes me skip reading what you say. Im sure others will agree itd be easier to read your posts with proper formatting.

 

 

 

Apologies, I am on my smart phone now most of the time and for some reason it makes it difficult or not possible to write proper paragraphs. I think my phone is broken tbh as sometimes it doesn't even let me type in forums, it just ...stops me from typing. It also doesn't always charge properly.

I and I am due for a new upgrade soon.

 

I think I will stick to writing posts on my laptop then since it is easier to read.

 

Thanks.

[kaylan]

Apologies, I am on my smart phone now most of the time and for some reason it makes it difficult or not possible to write proper paragraphs. I think my phone is broken tbh as sometimes it doesn't even let me type in forums, it just ...stops me from typing. It also doesn't always charge properly.

I and I am due for a new upgrade soon.

 

I think I will stick to writing posts on my laptop then since it is easier to read.

 

Thanks.

You dont have to refrain from using your smartphone if thats where you normally post from. I was just wondering why the posts always came through the way they did. No worries. I definitely remember having forum issues with my previous smart phone. Twas a pain in my arse, especially when I had something I really wanted to say while I was out during the day lol.

[StanMusial]

When the situation arises.

 

I like girls with common sense though. Most of the girls I've dated would never bust out with something like "going to skiing with my ex this weekend! See you Monday!"

 

The few girls who did pull these stunts did it just to tweak me - they basically knew they were in the wrong on some level.

[iris219]

When the situation arises.

 

I like girls with common sense though. Most of the girls I've dated would never bust out with something like "going to skiing with my ex this weekend! See you Monday!"

 

The few girls who did pull these stunts did it just to tweak me - they basically knew they were in the wrong on some level.

 

This^. Find someone with common sense and similar morals.

 

I've never had to sit someone down and say "if you lie to me or cheat on me it's over."

 

People reveal their character through their actions.

[Cunning_Linguist]

I manage expectations by the third date or after we have sex. Whichever comes first. I think it's really important so assumptions aren't made.

[Ruby Slippers]

I put it all right out on the table. With experience and maturity, I've learned that it's smart to weed out those who aren't compatible right away.

 

I let the man make all the moves to drive the relationship forward (exclusivity talk, for example), but I'm transparent about what I want - exclusive commitment, real love, marriage, and a family with the right guy. Men who want the same are relaxed and open about it as well.

 

I have extremely low tolerance for any kind of deception, and am gone if I see it.

[Gaeta]

My bigger boundaries are laid out within the first 3 dates.

 

My current boyfriend told me on our first date and he impressed me with this. He said if someone is with me I do not want her to hide her phone when she texts, or put her phone face down on the table, or put it on silence while she's with me. I have nothing to hide and I want someone that has nothing to hide. He earned 10 pts that day.

[Leigh 87]

Yep so it seems unanimous that we all talk about our "deal breakers" within the first 3 or so dates.

 

I mean, why date a person for months if you are super into each other, only to then find out they are dating other people and not looking for a relationship?

[todreaminblue]

I normally know before i date them how they feel what they expect and i let them know what i dont want or need or can tolerate...............a liar or a cheat.....what i want is variable and i dont expect to have everything i want in a partner or there would be nothing to work towards together...that includes me....working out what needs to morph and grow to keep the relationship a lasting one......if you really want to grow with a patner that includes working out compromises........and growth

 

 

liar and a cheat.....its a no go zone....one chance depending on the guy himself and his issues ...deb