From bed to web

[DemetersHarvest]

I have been seeing someone for the past two months or so. At first, it was rather casual, but things developed, and we became intimate just recently. Had a good feeling about this because the usual drama was absent. My profile is down, and I leave it up to him to make the decision that he deems best for himself as far as his profile goes. The other day he left my place late at night to go home. I have done what many do, I looked up his profile. Not proud, but ultimately much the wiser for it. He was online, still warm from my bed. Ouch!! That was unexpected. I don't really mind him being there, but the timing seemed rather .... poorly chosen.

 

Thoughts on this? Not really interested in hearing the usual "yeah, but you snooped" comments. I know what I did, and since things were going well, or so I thought, I am not even sure why I was compelled to look in the first place. Should I have left myself in the dark instead?

 

No talk of exclusivity at this point, but he does not seem to like the fact that there are men out there wanting to date me. I'm only dating him. He says he's seeing no one else, either.

 

My plan is to give it another month to see where this goes, and then address the topic of exclusivity/relationship.

 

Still would like to hear your thoughts, stories, or advice.

[mammasita]

Just because you've taken your profile down doesn't mean he's going to automatically do the same. Men are not mind readers, don't expect him to make the decision on his own without talking about it. He could be completely oblivious.

 

Never ASSUME.

[ja123]

Before finishing your post, I was going to say perhaps he's just not into you.

 

 

Upon finishing the post, I think that you should tell him that you took your profile down and want to be exclusive with him. See what he says ...

 

 

Maybe he's keeping his options open because he thinks you are.

[LustAppeal]

You knew his profile was still up and decided to check it out. You're dating him so how is that snooping, if random people are aloud to look at his profile you sure as hell better be able to. Saying that there is a fine line to this. If you find yourself constantly looking through his texts or web history it might be time to move on from him or fix the trust issues.

As for the profile, you have no clue what his intentions with it are, I'd confront him. Talk about it and tell him it bothers you. You're the master of your dating life, waiting it out only leads to guessing and more waiting.

Hope this helps.

[bryceisbryce]

Could he have simply forgotten to log out of his profile on his phone or computer from much earlier that day? Sometimes I'll check out my profile on my phone and end up showing as online for the next couple of days because I forgot to log out.

 

I do agree that it's probably time to talk about exclusivity.

[clia]

No talk of exclusivity at this point, but he does not seem to like the fact that there are men out there wanting to date me. I'm only dating him. He says he's seeing no one else, either.

 

Doesn't this mean you're exclusive?

[DemetersHarvest]

He did not forget to log out from the phone. He also knows my profiles, all of them on all sites, are down.

 

His online activity, compared to when I was still online as well has shrunk, and that is why I think it may develop in the right direction. I would like to give him the opportunity to "declare" himself, one way or another, and he may just need time.

 

"He's just not that into you" has crossed my mind as well. I'm not entirely dismissing this aspect.

Edited April 14, 2014 by DemetersHarvest

[DemetersHarvest]

Doesn't this mean you're exclusive?

 

 

Now that you say it....exclusivity may be implied. But his online activities right after, you know..., just make me raise an eyebrow or two. That's not something that would readily cross my mind in such a situation, as I would be busy smiling, and marinating in hormones. Makes me wonder just how "bad" it was with me...

[ascendotum]

Before finishing your post, I was going to say perhaps he's just not into you.

 

Upon finishing the post, I think that you should tell him that you took your profile down and want to be exclusive with him. See what he says ...

 

Maybe he's keeping his options open because he thinks you are.

 

I agree with this. Only just started having sex & not exclusive...he is not doing anything wrong in my book, by still being on OLD. I totally get why you felt disappointed though. From bed to web. You'd like to think that you were on his mind when he got home, and not the need to see what else is out there. It could be a habit thing with him to automatically check, like his email inbox. One of the negative aspects of OLD is that a lot of people like to think something better might show up the following week. Its a virtual shopping catalogue for new bf/gf/hookup, with new products up for grabs each week. Good quality, Poor quality it all costs the same.

Have a chat with him at some stage soon how you have de-activated your OLD profile and is he planning on doing the same.

[BlueIris]

It’s a really good idea to agree whether you’re exclusive or not before the sex. Personally, I can’t handle sex without exclusivity. Don’t want it, don’t like it. It’s just casual sex in my book and that takes so much of the essential emotional aspect out of it, which I consider necessary for openness and really good sex. So, if I were in your shoes, OP, I’d tell him that I wish I’d brought it up earlier but now that we’ve become intimate, it has to be exclusive, we’re both putting full hearts in, or I’m not interested. There are plenty of people who don't feel that way, so he has options.

[ASG]

Doesn't this mean you're exclusive?

 

Not necessarily. And only by default.

Like, I've been seeing this guy for a while. It's fairly casual. No talk of exclusivity. I'm not seeing anyone else and neither is he, but to be honest, if the opportunity arose for other dating prospects, I'd most likely take it.

 

Because we're not really exclusive, even if we are by default. There is no promise of exclusivity on either part and as such, it can change and it is allowed.

 

Exclusivity NEEDS to be addressed. Don't assume anything!

[Gaeta]

When you do online dating never assume you have exclusivity, it's a conversation that must be brought up.

 

As for his presence on the net it can be explained with many things. I am the kind of person that while I was online I made friends. I would tell these friends I had a date blahblah, and these friends would often send messages later that day asking how the date went. When I got message on POF it would ring my phone so I'd log and answer. I am sure I did that after a date.

 

I was dating someone at some point. During that period my daughter was on the same dating site as me. We used to send each other messages through that site instead of texting. Don't ask me why, no reasons. The man I was dating noticed I was logging on and off during the day and he asked me if I was still looking.....I started explaining to him that no, I was happy dating him and I was messaging my daughter. At the moment I said that it sounded so much like a BS excuse lol, even if it was the truth. I deleted my profile that same day.

 

So don't assume he's on there looking, don't let your mind wonder and get the best of you. After 2 months and you are now intimate I think it's time you tell him because he is not dating anyone else you would prefer the profile to be down.

[Treasa]

I wouldn't recommend sleeping with someone if you can't even say, "Hey, are we both gonna take our profiles down or what?"

[DemetersHarvest]

Thank you for coming back with all those thoughtful responses. I am hearing you loud and clear, and I want to do right by this guy, as I care about him. I'd prefer he take the initiative on his own account. What good would it do me for him to delete THIS profile, to just post another one under a different screen name? He needs to want to do it, and back up his decision. Be genuine.

[mammasita]

Thank you for coming back with all those thoughtful responses. I am hearing you loud and clear, and I want to do right by this guy, as I care about him. I'd prefer he take the initiative on his own account. What good would it do me for him to delete THIS profile, to just post another one under a different screen name? He needs to want to do it, and back up his decision. Be genuine.

 

Um that's why you communicate and talk about it. All I'm hearing is that you don't trust what he would say to you

[Phantom888]

If you are acting exclusive, then you are exclusive. The fact that he is still online means he is CHEATING. If he plays dumb about it, claiming "we have not established exclusivity", then he is giving you pure BS.

 

Think about it...action speaks louder than words. If neither is dating anyone else, and you are sleeping together, you are EXCLUSIVE. You really don't need that "talk" if you are acting like BF/GF. If he thinks he has the right to look for others while dating you, then you two may not be on the same page. Talk to him about it. If he plays dumb, drop him.

[DemetersHarvest]

Um that's why you communicate and talk about it. All I'm hearing is that you don't trust what he would say to you

 

Well, maybe not that, but he might not be ready for this step, now or later. So I'll give it a bit more "now", and if "later", he's still not ready, I need to face the consequences.

[Candy_Pants]

Exclusivity cannot be, and should not be assumed. If it is, you're setting yourself up for some pain.

 

If a guy WANTS to be exclusive, he's going to do everything in his power to get there, and make sure the female is on the same level.

 

So, pardon me for saying, it would benefit you to grow some balls and have this talk instead of creeping around his profile and asking online stranger for advice.

[Gaeta]

Well, maybe not that, but he might not be ready for this step, now or later. So I'll give it a bit more "now", and if "later", he's still not ready, I need to face the consequences.

I soooo remember thinking like you, and it got me soooooooo nowhere!

 

Not ready? it's not a marriage. It's concentrating on you only for a while see if it may go somewhere. If it doesn't work I am sure he'll remember how to create a new one.

[BlueIris]

Thank you for coming back with all those thoughtful responses. I am hearing you loud and clear, and I want to do right by this guy, as I care about him. I'd prefer he take the initiative on his own account. What good would it do me for him to delete THIS profile, to just post another one under a different screen name? He needs to want to do it, and back up his decision. Be genuine.

 

That ship has sailed. He didn't do it.

 

Of course, it would have been better if he had done it, affirmation that he thinks about and wants only you, and that happily he felt commitment inside. But that's one of the core problems with OLD- the grass is greener syndrome, and wanting to keep options open in wondering if there is someone better.

 

Eh, what can ya do? Choose to move on since he didn't/doesn't feel it, tell him your standards for relationship and let him decide, or let it go and wait. The last one would drive me nuts and kill my own caring for him, so I wouldn't do that. I see "keeping your OLD options" open as flirting while you're with me- tacky, rude and a 100% disqualifier.

[bluegreen]

You are not exclusive for him you are someone he sleeps with maybe has fun with and could be nice funny great girl but you are not a girlfriend yet.

Either don't hook up until you are item or hook up and hope for best but know that you have no right to complain ....

[TXGuy]

If it's match, it might be a false alarm. I broke up with one girl because match showed her active almost every day. It turned out that match marks someone as 'active' if match sends one of those junk emails (or something like that).

[FitChick]

Put your profile back up and see what he says or does. I never hide my profile first.

[ASG]

If you are acting exclusive, then you are exclusive. The fact that he is still online means he is CHEATING. If he plays dumb about it, claiming "we have not established exclusivity", then he is giving you pure BS.

 

Think about it...action speaks louder than words. If neither is dating anyone else, and you are sleeping together, you are EXCLUSIVE. You really don't need that "talk" if you are acting like BF/GF. If he thinks he has the right to look for others while dating you, then you two may not be on the same page. Talk to him about it. If he plays dumb, drop him.

 

No. Just because you haven't had any other dates with other people doesn't mean you are exclusive. Just that, for whatever reason, at this particular moment in time, you are not dating other people.

 

Until you have a specific conversation where that is established, you are free to go on another date.

 

Maybe he sends messages every day to people and is trying to get more dates and just hasn't managed to get them.

 

Like I said before, I'm seeing this guy, we're not seeing anyone else, but that is just by default. We're not GF/BF at all.

[atlg8r]

I also would refrain from having sex or anything more than heavy make outs until you are exclusive. I'm surprised no one else has said it, but my first thought in reading the OP was "Well, he got sex, and now he's lost interest and is moving on to find his next conquest."

 

I guess I could be wrong, and I will hope that I am. Just seems odd that after the first time you slept with him, it appears he went on his OLD account.

 

I would mention it. You swapped bodily fluids - I don't think it's too forward. I would just say, "Hey, since we have had sex now, I wanted to be clear on where we stand." I would do it just to be cautious with my health. Don't wanna be sleeping with someone further who may be sleeping with others.