Two worlds and a rejection

[shet]

So I have to get this off my chest. Sorry.

 

I've today been rejected by someone I thought was great, we got on really well, but we were just friends. I thought adult women these days were capable of processing a male friend hitting on them honestly and simply - eg. "are you interested in dating" - and if disinterested, laughing it off and carrying on as before. I've been on both ends of that before, the hitter and the hittee, and it's always been fine, I appreciate the straightforwardness and believe in doing the same. For me, if I'm single and you're single and we hang out, then I'm going to ask if you don't beat me to it, and no hard feelings, usually it actually leads to laughter. I see nothing wrong with that. In fact I consider it a part of single male-female relationships. The question always arises, and it really should, because otherwise you're dead inside.

 

This particular woman seems to have taken strongly against it like it's ruined everything and I've let her down. I highly doubt I'll hear from her again and I'm actually sad. Anyway it's done. She can get on with her weird lame life without me.

 

This weekend I went out on a party/bender with some friends, men and women, no singles except me. Evening, we hit this unusual club hard til 5am, something I don't have many years left of. I stayed sober, they really didn't on any front. I don't do this sort of thing very often at all, or haven't in the past.

 

Not only were the women I was with very complimentary to the point of concerning me about their partners, but the whole event was just gangbusters from a social point of view, and I even got hit on at the club twice (I'm not hot, they really were). One I had to get a friend to fend off, she was so physically direct. I wasn't interested because A. I'm not into picking up at clubs and B. I live miles away. And, really, C. I had my friend above in mind, more fool me. Now that whole night was something of a calibre my frosty friend up there couldn't have done. Just couldn't have been a part of, she would have been overwhelmed and bailed even if you'd convinced her to come.

 

So what is up when I can have a day/night out like that and be awesome, and then come home and get shat on by someone who upsets me like that? It's like being two separate people, one of whom is everyone's favourite guy and the other is a pathetic oaf. What is up with her having such a problem with me being interested in her, and with me for it bothering me like I've somehow been inappropriate or failed her, when I know damn well I haven't? And, how can I consciously pass over hot women all over me whilst out, and cry over this one stupid lass whilst at home?

[hoping2heal]

I'm just going to tell you now, you have a really $hitty attitude.

 

"She can get on with her weird lame life without me"

 

"cry over this one stupid lass whilst at home"

 

Yeah, with friends like you I am not sure what she is thinking by "letting you go".

 

Please, get over yourself.

 

P.S. I'm really mean so you're not imagining things

[shet]

Neither of those are negative reflections on her, I harbour her no ill will. You lack the ability to discern written nuance. If I must spell it out for you, her life is weird and lame purely because she's off doing it without me, it's a (fairly unsubtle I thought) reference to sour grapes. And she is not stupid, I am referring to my own vexation at her position as one person I focus on irrationally.

[soccerrprp]

I'm just going to tell you now, you have a really $hitty attitude.

 

"She can get on with her weird lame life without me"

 

"cry over this one stupid lass whilst at home"

 

Yeah, with friends like you I am not sure what she is thinking by "letting you go".

 

Please, get over yourself.

 

 

I was thinking the same. Shet, why are you bothering when you have such a negative attitude regarding her???? She definitely dodged a bullet with you.

[shet]

What, uh, what's going on here? How are you both interpreting my words so wrong? Is it something about my writing style, do I not use enough smileys to indicate sarcasm and dryness? Should I use more dollar signs to spell cuss words?

[ja123]

She doesn't sound like she's easy going or a lot of fun. Deep down, you know that you can do better.

 

 

Your feeling rejected has nothing to do with her, actually. It's just the confusion over how someone so lame can reject you, in the first place.

 

 

Too bad that she's so anal, but she is; so, you're not a match even for friendship.

 

 

If she contacts you again, I wouldn't even bother with her. You need someone who is on your wavelength, even for platonic friendship.

[hoping2heal]

What, uh, what's going on here? How are you both interpreting my words so wrong? Is it something about my writing style, do I not use enough smileys to indicate sarcasm and dryness? Should I use more dollar signs to spell cuss words?

 

I think it's the lack of vocal tone that makes it difficult to discern between when you are being humorous and just feeling sorry for yourself. I did pick up on the sour grapes, I did not realize you were not being serious.

 

Sorry, I think I have read too many self pity posts from people who talked that way and were serious.

[shet]

OK. To make it clear, I think she is brilliant, which is why I'm torn up that she appears not to want to remain friends. I won't meet her like again in a long time, maybe ever.

[ja123]

Not all "brilliant" people are sticks in the mud.

 

 

There's other smart people out there. No need to put this one on a pedestal.

[hoping2heal]

OK. To make it clear, I think she is brilliant, which is why I'm torn up that she appears not to want to remain friends. I won't meet her like again in a long time, maybe ever.

 

okay,

 

I am sorry I was mean to you shet, and said you had a shetty attitude.

[Wisecrack]

It's not that you think she is brilliant, it's because you've now fixated yourself upon her and put her out 'in a league of herself'. She is not perfect and she should not be the reason for your happiness. What you need to learn to do is internalise yourself and let her go. Never let anything get the best of you and relax. That night, the reason you lived so far away you should have hit on every girl and done as many deeds as you want.

[TB Rhine]

When you're "friends" with a woman, you've basically set yourself up to be her [free] handyman, chauffeur, and cash machine, until such time as she no longer finds you useful. When you have the temerity (the temerity!) to act like a red-blooded heterosexual male and make a move, you deprive her of that prematurely -- i.e., forcing her to cut you off and end the situation now, as she can no longer claim ignorance of your intentions, rather than allowing her to string you along indefinitely and eventually kick you to the curb in her own time. This is where the pissy attitude from her comes from... you've inconvenienced her.

[shet]

snip

 

While I get where you're coming from, to be fair to myself and her, she never used me for anything. She's fiercely independent. I'd drive her home from going out and she'd expect me to just go to my house and leave her to walk or catch the bus the 2 miles to hers even when passing close to her house to get to mine, she'd pay bills equally or entirely, she even refused help finding a car to buy. I mean it went so far it seemed like bitterness or poor self image.

 

Her attitude must come from something she considers I've done wrong by asking, but loss of a meal ticket/handyman isn't it.

[FloridaKeys]

So how exactly did you ask her out, and what was her response like? Just wondering if she got offended some how?

 

How old is she?

 

Is it possible that she's quite shy, or inexperienced in the dating sense so she felt insecure and freaked out in a childish manner?

[shet]

She's 27. I set up a fairly usual day out for us, a fun activity, a film we wanted to see, a meal. We've done this before. I did however plan to ask if she was interested in dating this time, because last time she opened up unexpectedly about being lonely and not socialising and her problematic time with men, most of which is her fault for both her workaholic attitude taking every extra shift and never having time, and the sorts of people she hangs around with (suffice to say, predictably weird people), so I honestly felt like I had something to offer - until then I assumed she was fine and dandy with whatever was going on with her. And also because it's spring and I feel like it.

 

For some reason though she actually texted beforehand "this is looking like a date and i'm not interested in that" even though it's the basic plan every time we meet up (I've always thought they were too date-like but she insists on activities and meals before she'll leave the house). So I had to deal with it by text, while she's at work, which wasn't ideal. So I said it did somewhat look like that, that I'd intended to ask if she was interested that day, but since she wasn't, that it was no big deal and we can still be friends. Then she just said again "I'm not interested in dating sorry" and that's it, the day out's been and gone, she isn't talking and I can't say anything.

 

I'm not totally sure of her background but I believe she hasn't exactly had a roaringly exciting romantic life if she's had one at all. The only men she mentions are acquaintances/colleagues who've mistreated her or been inappropriate. She's physically cold too, doesn't even like hugs. This is why I just had to ask outright. So I was as straightforward as possible and she's still pushed me into feeling like I too have been inappropriate.

Edited April 14, 2014 by shet

[soccerrprp]

What, uh, what's going on here? How are you both interpreting my words so wrong? Is it something about my writing style, do I not use enough smileys to indicate sarcasm and dryness? Should I use more dollar signs to spell cuss words?

 

My apologies if taken wrong. It sounded like you were trashing the girl.

[BikerAccnt]

When you're "friends" with a woman, you've basically set yourself up to be her [free] handyman, chauffeur, and cash machine, until such time as she no longer finds you useful. When you have the temerity (the temerity!) to act like a red-blooded heterosexual male and make a move, you deprive her of that prematurely -- i.e., forcing her to cut you off and end the situation now, as she can no longer claim ignorance of your intentions, rather than allowing her to string you along indefinitely and eventually kick you to the curb in her own time. This is where the pissy attitude from her comes from... you've inconvenienced her.

 

 

Do you feel this way about your same sex friends also? That you are their handyman, chauffer and cash machine? Sad way to think of a friendship. I have two close female friends I've known since my early 20's. One is married now, the other not. Neither one asks or uses me as what you describe. I see them occasionally, just like I do my male friends.

 

 

Actually, my male friends ask me for help far more than these 2 women do. I can count on one hand how often they've asked for help, whereas I'm always being asked to come help lift/tote/move something by my male friends.

 

 

Not every guy has to make a move on every woman. And if you're friends, and one grows feelings for the other, I can easily see the person who doesn't have the feelings becoming uncomfortable continuing any relationship.

[shet]

if you're friends, and one grows feelings for the other, I can easily see the person who doesn't have the feelings becoming uncomfortable continuing any relationship.

 

I see your point. But "feelings". We aren't teenagers any more, we don't profess undying love and hold 5 year crushes. Asking if she's interested in dating is pretty low key. There's still lots I don't know about her, could really put me off, I was just interested in finding out. I've been on the other end of this more than once before from women friends and I didn't feel uncomfortable. Might've done if they'd started acting weird or stalking, but they didn't, and you'd hate that from anyone anyway.

[BikerAccnt]

Shet, I agree. I wasn't talking to your case specifically. I was speaking more generally, specifically re:feelings. It can sometimes be easy to start falling for opposite sex friends. Not saying you have, but maybe she thinks you have.

 

 

 

 

I don't see you did anything wrong by asking her if she'd be interested in dating. By the same token, I don't see she's doing anything wrong by not wishing to be in touch anymore.

 

 

I agree, it kind of sucks but...you can't control what other people do, only what you do.

[clia]

It is very awkward to be friends with a guy who you know is carrying a torch for you. Most women will choose to avoid being in that situation.

[Cunning_Linguist]

So she denied you. Big deal. Move on and meet more women. The guy that gets what he wants realizes that failure is a part of life. I approach a lot of women in a given week and fail a lot more than I succeed. The reason I have women in my life is that I didn't dwell about those denials and focus on improving and succeeding with the next one. There are a lot of amazing women out there, better, different than her, just waiting for you!

 

A few drunk girls hitting on you at a bar has no correlation to you being friend zoned by this girl. I really don't see how that whole spiel is at all relevent to your inability to attract the girl that denied you. Don't disrespect her by talking bad about her just because she didn't want you. You made it awkward because you didn't express your intentions from the start.

[shet]

snip

 

I didn't have intentions from the start. I had intentions since last week. Prior to that I figured neither of us were interested. I haven't talked bad, I don't support the concept of the "friendzone" at the best of times let alone in this instance where it doesn't even fit, and my problem is not the rejection but her ending of the friendship over it, an overreaction I didn't expect and am wondering if I deserved.

 

I swear some people just read about 2 lines of a thread, misinterpret those anyway, then throw together a handful of pop phrases and call it a post.

 

For reference, now she's gone, I now have no friends in my town. Everyone I know is a long way away. And they won't read the same authors or watch the same shows or films as me. Anyway the message seems to be that these things happen sometimes with some women you might be friends with before you approach, which just makes me fearful of ever opening that door in future.

[Hello_is_it_me]

When you're "friends" with a woman, you've basically set yourself up to be her [free] handyman, chauffeur, and cash machine, until such time as she no longer finds you useful. When you have the temerity (the temerity!) to act like a red-blooded heterosexual male and make a move, you deprive her of that prematurely -- i.e., forcing her to cut you off and end the situation now, as she can no longer claim ignorance of your intentions, rather than allowing her to string you along indefinitely and eventually kick you to the curb in her own time. This is where the pissy attitude from her comes from... you've inconvenienced her.

 

^so much truth. And really, this is yet another case example of girls and guys being unable to maintain a normal friendship where there is some feelings involved.

[topaMAXX]

Easy come, easy go. Just make new female friends.

 

You sound like you have more going for you than she does anyway. So just look at it like this: she gave you the opportunity to find someone better.

[Hello_is_it_me]

She's 27. I set up a fairly usual day out for us, a fun activity, a film we wanted to see, a meal. We've done this before. I did however plan to ask if she was interested in dating this time, because last time she opened up unexpectedly about being lonely and not socialising and her problematic time with men, most of which is her fault for both her workaholic attitude taking every extra shift and never having time, and the sorts of people she hangs around with (suffice to say, predictably weird people), so I honestly felt like I had something to offer - until then I assumed she was fine and dandy with whatever was going on with her. And also because it's spring and I feel like it.

 

For some reason though she actually texted beforehand "this is looking like a date and i'm not interested in that" even though it's the basic plan every time we meet up (I've always thought they were too date-like but she insists on activities and meals before she'll leave the house). So I had to deal with it by text, while she's at work, which wasn't ideal. So I said it did somewhat look like that, that I'd intended to ask if she was interested that day, but since she wasn't, that it was no big deal and we can still be friends. Then she just said again "I'm not interested in dating sorry" and that's it, the day out's been and gone, she isn't talking and I can't say anything.

 

I'm not totally sure of her background but I believe she hasn't exactly had a roaringly exciting romantic life if she's had one at all. The only men she mentions are acquaintances/colleagues who've mistreated her or been inappropriate. She's physically cold too, doesn't even like hugs. This is why I just had to ask outright. So I was as straightforward as possible and she's still pushed me into feeling like I too have been inappropriate.

 

She's either a confused hypocrite by leading you on and then suddenly cutting the cord on dates that you two have already been engaging in, or she noticed you were starting to take too much a liking to her so she decided to make the relationship less intimate.