Dwayne12 Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 So my girlfriend recently started talking to her ex again 3 months ago. Is it possible for them just to be friends I trust her. They broke up 5 years ago. I don't really want to say anything because I don't want her thinking I'm jealous. The reason why they broke up was because he cheated on her and left her for another girl I still don't understand why she's talking to him any advice guys. I feel If I show it doesn't bother me then she will stop on her own Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Possible, yes. Desirable, no. No, you don't let her think that it doesn't bother you. Let her know how you feel and that there MUST be boundaries. Many people will do things w/o regard to how it would make someone else feels and dismiss it as innocent UNTIL it's made known that it is not. Some people are also not good about establishing boundaries. Frankly, she should not be communicating with an ex unless she needs to and certainly, if so, be transparent about it all with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 I would say no. When people remain one-on-one friends with an ex whom they had a romantic interest in, it continues the emotional closeness that makes your relationship vulnerable. When your relationship hits a rough spot, if she is confiding in an ex about your relationship troubles, that is a recipe for disaster. It will increase their emotional intimacy because the ex will be put in the role of comforter and she will be feeling drawn to him because of his comfort, and the spark could reignite. I don't think it's a good idea, and I would suggest that you tell your girlfriend that you are not comfortable with her having a friendship with an ex boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 If when you met her she had already been friends with him then it would be different. When you get in someone's life you accept it as it is, you don't start cleaning up her life to your liking. IN this case here, no, I would have a hard time understanding what's the point of getting back in touch with a bf of 5 years ago. Saying hello, getting updated, sure, but starting a 'friendship'? No. That would definitively bother me and I would speak up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 ^ Word. Rekindling a ex friendship that had died out AFTER you and your gf became a couple is a big red flag imo. Why were they even talking? Why would his life be on her mind if she's with you? I personally had issue with my gf being friends with exes and thankfully, without any pressuring by myself, she has consistently and gradually been contacting them less and less. I would think this is the natural progression. The closer your SO gets to you, the less they need an ex for "friendship." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dwayne12 Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 Thanks guys Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dwayne12 Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 She's says she feels comfortable talking to him. It's pissing me off and I've tryed telling her that it bothers me and you can never be friends with your ex. She's under the assumption that I'm insecure and jealous anything I can do to stop this once and for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 ^ Word. Rekindling a ex friendship that had died out AFTER you and your gf became a couple is a big red flag imo. Why were they even talking? Why would his life be on her mind if she's with you? I personally had issue with my gf being friends with exes and thankfully, without any pressuring by myself, she has consistently and gradually been contacting them less and less. I would think this is the natural progression. The closer your SO gets to you, the less they need an ex for "friendship." *BEFORE (I'm an idiot lol) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dwayne12 Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 *BEFORE (I'm an idiot lol) We'll me and her got into a fight because I seen her talking to him and I confronted her about it. And I got into a fight with him as we'll. I feel they shouldn't be talking but there's nothing I actually can do Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 We'll me and her got into a fight because I seen her talking to him and I confronted her about it. And I got into a fight with him as we'll. I feel they shouldn't be talking but there's nothing I actually can do What was her response? There is something you can do...tell her to stop, if she doesn't agree, stop seeing her. Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Its simple. Leave her. She will get the hint and she will stop and completely be open about it or you will know where you stand. Never allow people to play games with your heart. Its never worth it. Clay Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 We'll me and her got into a fight because I seen her talking to him and I confronted her about it. And I got into a fight with him as we'll. I feel they shouldn't be talking but there's nothing I actually can do Fighting isn't the way to go about it with either of them. I wouldn't even bother communicating with the ex at all. Just her. Tell her your concerns in a reasonable, calm manner. Explain how it makes you uncomfortable. In a healthy relationship, people listen to each other's concerns and act accordingly. So will she place your feelings ahead of the ex's? Also, would she be okay if you were friends with one of your exes? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 We'll me and her got into a fight because I seen her talking to him and I confronted her about it. And I got into a fight with him as we'll. I feel they shouldn't be talking but there's nothing I actually can do You do not 'confront' - you have a conversation. Yes you can do something, you can walk away. If a friendship with her ex is more important than her relationship with you, the right thing to do is walk away. Someone that loves you would not impose this kind of discomfort on you. So you've seen her talking to him, were they just saying hello and having a social conversation or they are playing being friends and talk regularly? get together? Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 What was her response? There is something you can do...tell her to stop, if she doesn't agree, stop seeing her. I don't like the whole telling ppl what to do or how to act thing. No one should be controlled, even if they are being inappropriate. Best to just exclaim how their actions make you feel, and based on how they respond, then you can take it or leave it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dwayne12 Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 You do not 'confront' - you have a conversation. Yes you can do something, you can walk away. If a friendship with her ex is more important than her relationship with you, the right thing to do is walk away. Someone that loves you would not impose this kind of discomfort on you. So you've seen her talking to him, were they just saying hello and having a social conversation or they are playing being friends and talk regularly? get together? They were having a conversation now they talk regularly it bothers me a lot not that I'm jelaous I feel it shouldn't be happening at all. They don't hang out at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dwayne12 Posted April 11, 2014 Author Share Posted April 11, 2014 Fighting isn't the way to go about it with either of them. I wouldn't even bother communicating with the ex at all. Just her. Tell her your concerns in a reasonable, calm manner. Explain how it makes you uncomfortable. In a healthy relationship, people listen to each other's concerns and act accordingly. So will she place your feelings ahead of the ex's? Also, would she be okay if you were friends with one of your exes? I haven't really thought about being friends with any of my exes. I stayed commited to her and I felt it would bother her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 She's says she feels comfortable talking to him. It's pissing me off and I've tryed telling her that it bothers me and you can never be friends with your ex. She's under the assumption that I'm insecure and jealous anything I can do to stop this once and for good. You came on too strong and controlling and she went on the defensive. You cannot tell someone 'You can never be friends with your ex' what do you think that will generate as a reaction? It will generate a <watch me> knee jerk reaction and yes that will make you appear jealous and insecure. You cannot tell your girlfriend or anyone else <I do not want you to,,,>. You tell them: You are free to do as you wish but be adviced that I am uncomfortable with A-B-C and if you chose to continue A-B-C I will leave this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 They were having a conversation now they talk regularly it bothers me a lot not that I'm jelaous I feel it shouldn't be happening at all. They don't hang out at all. Big red flag Link to post Share on other sites
pfe66 Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Extremely big red flag. Leave before you get hurt even more. No man or woman could ever be friends without any sort of attraction especially when they had something in the past. I've been on the other side of that coin where I had an ex as a friend and whenever we would meet for drinks or see her something would always happen. At the end of the day we are all humans. No need to be competing with someone who now gets her attention. Been on both sides so tread lightly if you still would like to date her. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 She's says she feels comfortable talking to him. It's pissing me off and I've tryed telling her that it bothers me and you can never be friends with your ex. She's under the assumption that I'm insecure and jealous anything I can do to stop this once and for good. Well, there are some people who can be friends with their ex. So this theory is completely wrong. If you personally can't be friends with an ex, that's fine. If you've expressed your concerns and she has reassured them, then there's only 2 options - either take her at face value and trust her, or break up with her. You can't make her not be friends with him if that's not what she wants. She's a person capable of making this decision, and whether it is right or wrong (and I don't judge, if exes want to be friends, have at it), you have your answer and now need to make a decision for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 If they are too thick to understand when you air your concerns, you can always act in kind and maybe it'll settle in better. In my case, my gf was too chummy with her exes for my taste. I told her it made me uncomfortable. She rattles off a bunch of bs excuses. So I hang out with my ex one time and voila, my gf seemed to get it. Ever since her contact with the exes has been minimal lol. I guess there are different ways to teach people perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) I don't like the whole telling ppl what to do or how to act thing. No one should be controlled, even if they are being inappropriate. Best to just exclaim how their actions make you feel, and based on how they respond, then you can take it or leave it. Some times, and it has been shown to be quite evident, that expressing your feelings is not enough. Okay, express your feelings and if she doesn't stop, walk away. BTW, I suggested that he "talk" to her about it in my first post regarding this. I told her it made me uncomfortable. She rattles off a bunch of bs excuses. So I hang out with my ex one time and voila, my gf seemed to get it. Ever since her contact with the exes has been minimal lol. I guess there are different ways to teach people perspective. You don't like the idea of "telling" someone what to do, but okay with doing the very thing you object to???? Edited April 16, 2014 by soccerrprp Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 Some times, and it has been shown to be quite evident, that expressing your feelings is not enough. Okay, express your feelings and if she doesn't stop, walk away. BTW, I suggested that he "talk" to her about it in my first post regarding this. You don't like the idea of "telling" someone what to do, but okay with doing the very thing you object to???? I started a thread on this around a month ago lol. After that intial convo where I said it made me uncomfortable, she said hanging out with exes should be no big deal, so I go "fine, dear." So that was the understanding. So basically in my head I started to emotionally detach from the relationship and wasn't going to take it as seriously anymore. I played along with her rule that one time. And she saw the light Things have been much better ever since. Link to post Share on other sites
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