Tinder meetup: will there be a second date?

[missyou123]

This guy from tinder started messaging me at the beginning of last week after we matched. I never really expected much from tinder, but decided to keep an open mind for guys who aren’t just looking for hookups. We ended up having a lot of things to talk about, shared interest in school and academia, traveling, and music. On Friday I actually stayed up till about 2am messaging him, our conversation was moving from philosophy and Richard Dawkins to past relationships and what we were looking for on tinder. After agreeing that we liked talking to each other, he asked me out. The next night we went out for drinks, talked for about 3 hours, and I thought it went really well. It felt comfortable.

 

When I got home, he texted me asking if I got home alright. I texted him back saying I had a good time with him, and that we should see each other again. He agreed, saying he enjoyed it and that we should. On Monday he texted me, making light conversation, so I told him to text me tomorrow if he wanted to hangout (because we go to the same university). He said he was busy, and I attributed that to when I didn’t hear from him. A couple days later I messaged him making light conversation, but it ended after a while, and I haven’t heard from him since. (that was less than 2 days ago though) I just don’t know now if he’s interested, and if I message him again if I’m being annoying. Shouldn’t he have asked me out for a second date by now?

 

I don’t get the vibe that he’s very assertive, so I don’t know what to do. I know I’m acting like a girl, and we just went on one date, but I find him very good looking and I really enjoy talking to him, plus we have so much in common. And he just seemed very nice and genuine, a lot different from the guys I’m used to.

[BradJacobs]

I find him very good looking and I really enjoy talking to him, plus we have so much in common. And he just seemed very nice and genuine, a lot different from the guys I’m used to.

Someone else is probably thinking the same thing about him.

 

You're going to have to let this one come to you. You've done all that you can.

[missyou123]

Someone else is probably thinking the same thing about him.

 

You're going to have to let this one come to you. You've done all that you can.

 

why? I'm tired of waiting and playing that game. what's so wrong with being straightforward?

[HappyLove]

Go ahead and be straightforward then. I'd advise you not to get too attached to men you meet online they are talking to other girls as well and the grass is always greener especially on a site like TINDER.

[Zahara]

why? I'm tired of waiting and playing that game. what's so wrong with being straightforward?

 

You don't wait. You carry on with your life, go on dates with other guys and you don't sit around waiting for a guy you hardly know to plan a second date with you.

 

The problem with straightforward so early off the blocks is that you can come off desperate, pushy and clingy.

[drew232]

what's so wrong with being straightforward?

 

a lot, you don't even know

 

If you want to get anywhere with the opposite sex you have to play the game..If you're too straightforward you might scare him off.

[clia]

Yes, he should've asked you out for a second date by now. You went out last Saturday, right? It's been almost a week and he hasn't made plans with you. I think he just had nothing going on last weekend and was looking to hook up. You didn't comply and he moved on.

[missyou123]

I know for a fact he wasn't looking for a hookup. We talked about that and the confusion with tinder. I don't get it, if he wasn't interested why did he initiate contact twice after the fact?

 

Also, I know I don't want to look desperate. But what can I lose? Better know now than wait around longer.

Edited April 11, 2014 by missyou123

[Hello_is_it_me]

I know for a fact he wasn't looking for a hookup. We talked about that and the confusion with tinder. I don't get it, if he wasn't interested why did he initiate contact twice after the fact?

 

Also, I know I don't want to look desperate. But what can I lose? Better know now than wait around longer.

 

Maybe not solely a hookup. But guys don't take girls on dates because they enjoy the food at the restaurant or love witty banter at 10 pm. NEVER TRUST US

[Zahara]

I know for a fact he wasn't looking for a hookup. We talked about that and the confusion with tinder. I don't get it, if he wasn't interested why did he initiate contact twice after the fact?

 

Also, I know I don't want to look desperate. But what can I lose? Better know now than get too invested.

 

You should never take everything anyone says, especially someone you meet on an online dating site with any face value. A guy can tell you he doesn't want to hook up, he wants a relationship, he's looking to settle down -- it means nothing until you have spent a significant amount of time with him to be able to gauge whether any of what he has said has any truth to it.

 

Too invested? You went on one date!!??

 

What do you have to lose? Well, when you come off needy, clingy and desperate, there are men out there that will see that as an opportunity to manipulate you.

[missyou123]

Maybe not solely a hookup. But guys don't take girls on dates because they enjoy the food at the restaurant or love witty banter at 10 pm. NEVER TRUST US

 

Well actually he asked me out for coffee, but I opted out for drinks if you want to get specific. Trust me, we just wanted to get to know each other better lol. Neither of us have other done a tinder meetup before.

[hasaquestion]

Well actually he asked me out for coffee, but I opted out for drinks if you want to get specific. Trust me, we just wanted to get to know each other better lol. Neither of us have other done a tinder meetup before.

 

He's not that into you honey.

 

Do yourself a favor and don't contact him again. He has your number now. He's not stupid, if he really wants you he knows what to do.

[missyou123]

You should never take everything anyone says, especially someone you meet on an online dating site with any face value. A guy can tell you he doesn't want to hook up, he wants a relationship, he's looking to settle down -- it means nothing until you have spent a significant amount of time with him to be able to gauge whether any of what he has said has any truth to it.

 

Too invested? You went on one date!!??

 

What do you have to lose? Well, when you come off needy, clingy and desperate, there are men out there that will see that as an opportunity to manipulate you.

 

Yah invested was the wrong word lol. I just mean I'd like to let go of any expectations that he's interested too sooner rather than later. Cause right now it can go either way. Dating is so annoying.

 

It's really easy for me to lose interest in a guy when I realize he doesn't reciprocate it. That's why I'd rather find out rather than waiting around and wondering what if. Not all guys are that assertive. I messaged him once, and I didn't make an effort either to continue the conversation.

Edited April 11, 2014 by missyou123

[Zahara]

Yah invested was the wrong word lol. I just mean I'd like to let go of any expectations that he's interested too sooner rather than later. Cause right now it can go either way. Dating is so annoying.

 

It's really easy for me to lose interest in a guy when I realize he doesn't reciprocate it. That's why I'd rather find out rather than waiting around and wondering what if. Not all guys are that assertive. I messaged him once, and I didn't make an effort either to continue the conversation.

 

You'll know whether he is interested. He'll show you. You're on panic and wanting to know now. Don't do that. It comes off desperate. And you never want a guy to see that in you. If he reaches out, then go on that second date. If he doesn't, you need to keep going about your days and meeting other people. There is no need to poke at someone to see if they are interested. They will show you if they are.

[clia]

If I'm reading your post correctly, he hasn't initiated any conversation with you since Monday. It's Friday. And the reality is, you do know the answer to this. His silence is telling you everything. So what if he responded to your text on Wednesday and had some random chit chat. That requires no effort at all.

 

What do you think he's doing this weekend? Don't you think if he was interested in you he would want to see you? Don't you think if he already was booked up this weekend that he would've at least contacted you this week to make sure you knew he hadn't poofed? I'm positive he would've.

 

I think he met a new gal on Tinder at some point after your date and is exploring his options. You may hear from him again, but you are not a top priority. I would caution you strongly not to accept a last minute date with him if you should happen to hear from him later tonight or tomorrow. If you do, it means you are far down the list.

[candie13]

IMO, you should disappear. Even if he does come back and asks you out today or tomorrow. Take at least 4 days to respond, if you decide to answer him at all. And only if he initiates contact. You're busy. Not on his priority list? Well... he's not on yours either.

 

Honest advice: use that Tinder app and get yourself at least two more dates. It'll boost your self esteem and give you perspective.

 

Oh... I understand and respect your boldness and straightforwarded-ness, but please remember, he or she who talks most loses, in this game. At least at the very beginning, until the guy decided to properly ask you out.

 

cheers, girl. Chill.

[BradJacobs]

I know for a fact he wasn't looking for a hookup. We talked about that and the confusion with tinder.

You like him because he's not in it for a hook up.

 

Girl B likes him because he's cute and wants to hook up with him.

 

Girl C likes him because he's tall (or short) and wants to hook up with him.

 

Girl D likes him because he doesn't want a hook up but she wants to hook up with him to kick start their dating.

 

Girl E is just a freak and will take all comers.

 

When B, C, D and E get aggressive with their messages people's stance of "no hook ups" can change pretty quickly.

 

Tinder can be what you want it to be and sometimes it can change what you're looking for ... so if he was a kind of shy guy that never got girls, this might be a windfall for him. He might have told the truth initially but after getting a lot of interest wants to see how the hooking up plays out.

 

Just food for thought.

[thecrucible]

Tinder can be what you want it to be and sometimes it can change what you're looking for ... so if he was a kind of shy guy that never got girls, this might be a windfall for him. He might have told the truth initially but after getting a lot of interest wants to see how the hooking up plays out.

 

Just food for thought.

 

 

 

Yeah I think that's pretty likely that he was honest with what he was feeling at the time (some things are just said in the moment) but that he might want to see what he can get before he commits to anything. This is the problem with the dating apps/online thing.

 

 

I wouldn't say totally disappear but don't wait till he contacts you. Get yourself more dates. Move on to the next. If he gets in touch again, don't reply straight away and suss him out a bit while being nonchalent/friendly.

 

 

My friend just got back in touch with someone from online dating who she hadn't talked to for a while. They went on a date, get on really well, the guy is really into her and things are progressing. This might not happen with your guy but I think in general it's good to be patient with online dating and not expect instant results.

 

 

Go in expecting it to be a trial and error process i.e. you tried this thing, it hasn't worked it. In your mind, move on. If he comes back to talk, then great, but don't wait for it. I totally thought this guy from online had bailed on me when he didn't reply for a couple of days so I just accepted it and moved on. Then to my surprise, I got another reply and I'm cautious but seeing the positive in the fact he's still communicating with me. This could go any way so I'm still talking to other people.

 

 

I know it's hard but eventually you learn to adjust your expectations to the process.

[missyou123]

Yeah I think that's pretty likely that he was honest with what he was feeling at the time (some things are just said in the moment) but that he might want to see what he can get before he commits to anything. This is the problem with the dating apps/online thing.

 

 

I wouldn't say totally disappear but don't wait till he contacts you. Get yourself more dates. Move on to the next. If he gets in touch again, don't reply straight away and suss him out a bit while being nonchalent/friendly.

 

 

My friend just got back in touch with someone from online dating who she hadn't talked to for a while. They went on a date, get on really well, the guy is really into her and things are progressing. This might not happen with your guy but I think in general it's good to be patient with online dating and not expect instant results.

 

 

Go in expecting it to be a trial and error process i.e. you tried this thing, it hasn't worked it. In your mind, move on. If he comes back to talk, then great, but don't wait for it. I totally thought this guy from online had bailed on me when he didn't reply for a couple of days so I just accepted it and moved on. Then to my surprise, I got another reply and I'm cautious but seeing the positive in the fact he's still communicating with me. This could go any way so I'm still talking to other people.

 

 

I know it's hard but eventually you learn to adjust your expectations to the process.

 

 

Thanks for all the answers! Tbh I've always been a firm believer of, it's he's interested, he'll contact you. The idea has mostly come from my friends telling me to initiate something. There's a possibility that he's just being shy, but he's the one who asked my out in the first place...so it's unlikely.

 

I'm already actually kind of over it...I'm not really into chasing guys. If he contacts me I'll be friendly, but I also have a lot of other guys to distract me with.

[Soundsystem00]

Online dating has always ended in disappointment for me. Time after time.

 

I still find myself doing it sometimes. Especially when I'm lonely.

 

When I first broke up with my ex, I would swipe relentlessly searching to fill the hole.

 

I met a pretty cool/hot chicka on there and she ended up seducing me. Me being me, I thought "oh man she's the ONE!" And was flaked out on. I took it personally but she showed up at a bar the other night to tell me she is now homeless.

 

Just a huge **** storm. You never really know who your meeting online. And usually people flake out one way or another. My main relationships always happen when they're ready. Not by forcing them.

[WP4046]

Well this should be a lesson to women only focused on good looking men, other women think he is HOT to so you may have to share him lol

[missyou123]

So a couple of days ago he messaged me on facebook. (I didn't contact him since the last time, as I accepted if he was really interested he would) We talked about finals and school work for a bit, and then he wrote me several long paragraphs explaining to me that "he doesn't know where I am, and we went on that one date," but he's realized that he is not ready to be dating. And that "it's not that he doesn't like me", but that he isn't mentally ready. We then talked for about 2hours about his past relationship, love and how essentially how he wished he could be with someone he really liked, but it wouldn't be fair for that person...and that he just needs time by himself to figure things out.

 

The backstory to this is that he broke up with his girlfriend of 6 years less than 6 months ago, and he hasn't been single since high school. He broke up with her, because it was just "okay." My interpretation is that he really doesn't know what he wants right now.

 

Also, we agreed to keep in contact/be friends. I really enjoy our conversations, and we're actually a lot a like. He's probably the nicest guy on tinder. I mean who has the courtesy to even message me all that? We only had one date, even though we did get pretty intimate (conversation wise). Most guys would just let me figure it out. Trouble is, I don't know how to go about being friends, without seeming creepy. I mean, wouldn't I have to initiate hangouts? Maybe our friendship will just be reserved to online messaging...idk.

 

I'm also wondering, is it me? If he met someone he really liked wouldn't he be ready to date? And how delusional is it to hope that when he is "ready," he'll be interested in me? Because that's kinda my plan...lol

Edited April 15, 2014 by missyou123

[kaylan]

Just remember OP, hes outright told you he doesnt want to date you. So Id avoid hanging out alone or in any situation where you could hook up. Its clear you are into this guy...so dont make the mistake some girls do where they hook up with the guy, and then think he will come around after he clearly told her he didnt see a relationship with her.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I'm also wondering, is it me? If he met someone he really liked wouldn't he be ready to date? And how delusional is it to hope that when he is "ready," he'll be interested in me? Because that's kinda my plan...lol

 

Utterly delusional. He isn't interested in you, because if he was interested in you enough he'd be ready. Does that make sense? Don't fall for that plan!

 

It was a mistake I feel to listen to him talk about his past relationships and all that crap for two entire hours after one date and him telling you it's going nowhere. Sorry but you're not his therapist, nor are you even his actual friend at this stage. I would have cut him off right there and said 'I'm sorry you're having a tough time and I'm sure you'll work it out someday. Take care of yourself ' and backed off. This way you got to be his shoulder to cry on and if anything he'll just see you as a doormat rather than a girl who has her sht together and has better things to be doing than to console somebody that basically just rejected her.

 

The only method of proceeding with this one, given that you do like him and any 'friendship' you've admitted would kinda be you waiting it out hoping that he'd become 'ready' and date you properly, is to wish him all of the best and tell him that you're going to focus your energy elsewhere (schoolwork, on your family, on dating, whatever, it doesn't matter) and you're glad you met one another. Just be gracious but make it clear that you are not sticking around to hold his hand through this journey of self discovery. Trust me, if he 'gets ready' and realises he made a mistake in losing you, he knows where to find you.

[thecrucible]

Utterly delusional. He isn't interested in you, because if he was interested in you enough he'd be ready. Does that make sense? Don't fall for that plan!

 

It was a mistake I feel to listen to him talk about his past relationships and all that crap for two entire hours after one date and him telling you it's going nowhere. Sorry but you're not his therapist, nor are you even his actual friend at this stage. I would have cut him off right there and said 'I'm sorry you're having a tough time and I'm sure you'll work it out someday. Take care of yourself ' and backed off. This way you got to be his shoulder to cry on and if anything he'll just see you as a doormat rather than a girl who has her sht together and has better things to be doing than to console somebody that basically just rejected her.

 

I agree 100%. I told a guy recently that I 'wasn't ready to date'. To be honest, I always say that as a polite rejection because no one can argue with it. If I say something like "we don't have a lot in common" then the person is more likely to want to change my mind. I say it sometimes to bide time if I'm not sure whether I'm into someone.

 

I feel bad about this. And with the guy I mention, he did end up being my shoulder to cry on and my interest went even lower after that. Although in my case, it was partially truthful because I had just broken up with someone at the time. Meanwhile, he was trying to kill me with kindness. So although he'd cottoned on, I still had to be more up front with him in the end. I won't be that insincere again. Anyway...

 

I think in that kind of situation, you need to not let that kind of discussion take over - try and steer away the conversation. And if someone says "I'm not ready to date" then it's a sign that they have no interest, because if they were into you, they wouldn't want to risk you finding someone else to focus your attention on.

 

Although, to me, it would be a different thing entirely if the person said "Actually, I'm not quite ready for dating. I have a lot going on at the moment. But can I have your number and we can meet up sometime in the future?"