stephy567 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Note: Please do not turn this into a discussion about pro-life vs. pro-choice. Two days ago I took two at home pregnancy tests and they were positive. I would be 4-5 weeks pregnant right now (counting from date of LMP). I was not on birth control pills as there was a lapse in my insurance and I wasn't sure how to get them. My partner and I always used condoms. I've been worried the whole time though because I know they are not always 100%. My insurance issue is sorted out and I will be going to the doctor tomorrow. I thought that if I got pregnant, I would not keep the baby. That is still the decision I have come to, although it is a lot harder when it is a reality. I have never had an abortion before and I do have one child (3 years old, I have primary custody) from my marriage (one marriage, ended in divorce a couple of years ago). I am 32 years old. The guy I'm seeing is 31. He has primary custody of a 13 year old son. He was a teen dad (not a planned pregnancy) and has ended up raising the son on his own pretty much. From our previous discussions, I know that he would not want to keep the baby if I got pregnant. He and I are exclusive and he has always been pushing for us to be more serious. We met in late January, after one month he told me he loves me. I have been much more hesitant and not wanting to get serious. I have not had him meet my daughter. I do feel that I love this guy though and have been thinking a lot about letting him into my life more. So, a couple of days ago, when I took the test, I told him. I told him rather quickly too that I was not planning on keeping it. The problem I am having now is that I feel he is pulling back emotionally. I feel as though I have done something wrong and he is upset with me. He even told me that he re-evaluated things and that he thinks I'm right, he was moving too fast. He says he still loves me but thinks we should slow down. I'm just hurt that this guy who seemed like he was very serious about me (talking about me moving in, about us in a year) is now pulling away because of a situation that is...well....serious. He used to be very sweet and loving when he talked/texted me and now he's very curt and withdrawn (although he does still say "I love you"). I feel very lonely and hurt. I don't understand why this would change the way he feels about me so much. I have not for one second made him worry I might keep it. If I'm not keeping it, I would think he would see this as something we will go through together and support each other through. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Give him time to process it. Maybe he would've liked to have had an opportunity to voice his opinion about the pregnancy before you said "ABORT". You're both going to be a little emotional right now. It's a big decision that involves both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Maybe he wants the baby. While the decision to carry a baby to term or not is a personal one & you, the woman, have to do all the work, 1/2 of his DNA made this baby. Even though it's your body, if you want him to be emotionally close to you, invite him to make this decision with you. As part of a childless couple who looked into adoption, I urge you to consider that as an option. There are many infertile couples would love to give this baby a wonderful home. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Thanks for the reply. Based on previous conversations we have had, I have really good reason to know that he would not want to keep it. However, I think you're right that maybe he would have appreciated me asking what he wants instead of assuming. I did bring this up yesterday and I asked him if he feels upset because I didn't give him a say in it before coming to my decision. He didn't say that that upset him and he didn't bring anything up about possibly wanting to keep it. I'm supposed to see him tonight and I guess we'll talk about it more. I just wanted some insight as to why he's withdrawing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 He's told me that if it were up to him, his baby mama (of his now 13 year old son) would have gotten an abortion and that he feels that regardless of whether a pregnancy is planned or not that the guy in the couple feels relieved when the pregnancy ends (either by miscarriage or abortion). He cited his friend who is married and trying for their third kid. When the wife miscarried, he said the husband was relieved. I guess this has something to do with the added stress of financial responsibility on the guy? Anyway, the fact that he said this tells me that's how he feels. Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 This is a big issue and he might be pulling back some because he is scared/confused on what to do. Give him his space for the time being but try to maintain some healthy communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Because you are rejecting his child in your womb. You don't want it. And he thought he didn't either...till it happened and was no longer a hypothetical. And you didn't even talk to him before you came to a concrete decision. If I was him that's probably what I'd be thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 He might be pulling back to ensure you don't keep the baby.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Candy_Pants, yes, I can understand that. I thought I was doing the right thing by telling him soon after that I wasn't planning on keeping it and that that would make him feel better (since I know he doesn't want...or maybe he thought he didn't), but I do see now that it would have been better for me to not have just come right out and said that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 He might be pulling back to ensure you don't keep the baby.... I hadn't thought of that. I have heard of guys being supportive and there for the girl to make sure she does go through with it and then leaving her after. I hadn't really thought about pulling away as a strategy to get the girl to go through with it, but that kind of makes sense since the girl would feel alone and not want to raise a child alone. Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I hadn't thought of that. I have heard of guys being supportive and there for the girl to make sure she does go through with it and then leaving her after. I hadn't really thought about pulling away as a strategy to get the girl to go through with it, but that kind of makes sense since the girl would feel alone and not want to raise a child alone. Exactly! 10 chars Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Give him time to process it. Maybe he would've liked to have had an opportunity to voice his opinion about the pregnancy before you said "ABORT". You're both going to be a little emotional right now. It's a big decision that involves both of you. Agreed, he needs time to process. This is a lot of information for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 He might be pulling back to ensure you don't keep the baby.... The truth!!! If he shows support, he might think you're taking it that he's a nice guy and he'll be supportive throughout the thick and thin. Going cold on you is another way to tell you "I'm not going to be around if you need me." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Baby or not, I do believe this guy would have pulled back eventually. You met in late January! He moved too fast, and would have realized it very soon. The baby just gives him an extra push to recognize it NOW. Good luck whatever happens. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Exactly! 10 chars Actually though, this would make more sense if I had indicated to him that I was keeping it. Since I have told him, I'm not, I would think he would want to stick around to make sure it happened, if that's what he wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Uhhhh, did I just read that he thinks men are relieved when women abort or MISCARRY?? What in the ____!!? No. All men do not feel that way. I'm 17 weeks pregnant and my H would be devastated if we lost the baby. And no, we're not rich, so the "financial aspect" thing is BULL. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 For what it's worth, he does still say he loves me and has told me a few times that he would support me whatever I decided. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 He might be pulling back to ensure you don't keep the baby.... Agreed. Because if he is lovey-dovey with you, you might (reasonably) think, perhaps we should raise this child together. He pulls back both to ensure you will abort but also (imo) because it's one thing to be a supposedly committed couple when things are going well and something else when faced with a problem. Pay careful attention to how he behaves. People reveal their true selves in times of adversity. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Actually though, this would make more sense if I had indicated to him that I was keeping it. Since I have told him, I'm not, I would think he would want to stick around to make sure it happened, if that's what he wanted. Entirely possible, but then there is the chance that you could get emotional (you are preggers for Pete Sake) and he is being so supportive of you and you decide to keep it. You see yourself having a family with him, etc. Not sure what I woudl do in this situation, but pulling back is a great way to show a woman that you will be raising this baby on your own if you decide to keep it. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 I think this whirlwind romance was shattered by a cold reality of your pregnancy, and I'm sure he might be having a bit of nostalgia with the unplanned pregnancy. Now, I very much doubt he's interested in having this baby with you and I think he's relieved you're going to "get rid of it" but I'm sure he feels the need to pull away and just let you do your thing to ensure that you follow through with it, he probably wants to avoid the conversation because he's not immediately against you doing it, you've told him, he back off, he seems fine with that decision just recalculating the actual relationship because now things are becoming very "real". You're both old enough to know better, I'm surprised you're not alarmed by how fast he's moving with his words of charm, that's typical behavior by many men that end up not being all that invested because the reality is emotionally people are still pretty on guard in spite of all the lovey-doveyness that people indulge in when they're in that whirlwind romance state. But it also depends on your values, if you're the type to make long term decisions based off of those feelings then many people do shack up in that honeymoon-phase then kind of drift apart later on...but that's "normal" for some people and they don't even really notice that transition because they're happy in a relationship rather than being alone. At any rate, I would say continue on with the abortion unless you really feel like having a conversation with him about this (which could reveal an unpleasant reality of how he really feels about you/this situation) but at least then you'll understand how he feels about it (which is what most/all women are dying to know anyway, so you'll satisfy that craving as well) and be able to have a conversation about it which is what adults would normally do. Otherwise you could just continue on, get the abortion and see how interested/invested he truly is, maybe he needs time, maybe this is his signal to back out of the relationship with a dose of reality...cause shet just got real. If he's truly invested/interested he'll come back and you'll eventually talk about, if not he'll avoid the conversation and likely make up some excuse of why he's not ready as per typical man behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 He's probably pulling back because this is a big, serious thing to be dealing with two and a half months into the relationship. You are in what should be the honeymoon, lighthearted, happy stage, and now you have something very serious and emotional happening. I hate to say it, but this could very well be the end of your relationship with him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Ninjainpajamas: "I think this whirlwind romance was shattered by a cold reality of your pregnancy" clia: " I hate to say it, but this could very well be the end of your relationship with him." I agree with both of these. It makes me sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 Ninjainpajamas: "I think this whirlwind romance was shattered by a cold reality of your pregnancy" clia: " I hate to say it, but this could very well be the end of your relationship with him." I agree with both of these. It makes me sad.It's okay to be sad. Just remember that he's not the guy for you if he can't stick by you through thick and thin. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author stephy567 Posted April 10, 2014 Author Share Posted April 10, 2014 Thank you for all the input. I guess I still don't understand how this would make him like/love me less. It's not like it's solely my fault this happened. Yes, I understand that right now things are supposed to be light hearted and fun, but life happens and if we are on the same page about what to do, I don't know why it would drive us apart. Unless he was purely wanting a relationship where no obstacles ever came up, which is possible that that's what he wants I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted April 11, 2014 Share Posted April 11, 2014 Thank you for all the input. I guess I still don't understand how this would make him like/love me less. It's not like it's solely my fault this happened. Yes, I understand that right now things are supposed to be light hearted and fun, but life happens and if we are on the same page about what to do, I don't know why it would drive us apart. Unless he was purely wanting a relationship where no obstacles ever came up, which is possible that that's what he wants I guess. You mention that you always used condoms as well as that you were on depo provera, (which is supposedly not affected by antibiotics). He may be wondering how on earth this happened at all. Is it possible he has doubts about whether this is his child? Ultimately, we don't know him. Maybe he's not pulling back so much as processing what is happening. Seems to me that if you are close enough to make a baby together, you should be able to talk to him about what you are feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
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