My not-FWB not-BF situation (LONG)

[Esther Tester]

(kind of long, sorry!)

 

I met my "ex" Patrick [fake name] online, and we only dated for three months. I’m going to be 21, and he's almost 26. It became clear from the start we had a yo-yo relationship. This only complicated things. We already broke up twice.

 

Firstly, Patrick thought there was no chemistry. He was also surprised at how I responded to things. Patrick and I have very little in common. Admittedly, this is a huge issue. He's white American, I was born to Chinese immigrants. Even food preferences proved difficult.

 

The other breakup had been prompted by a friend of mine, though. This friend didn't think the chem/interests deal was an issue. He faced the same dilemma with several girlfriends. Just focus on something they find interesting and forget the rest, he advised. But he also warned that Patrick seems to suffer a social disorder.

 

When we finally got back together, Patrick maintained that his friends and family don't know about me. And here's the confetti in your face: Patrick tried to have a BF/GF relationship with me stating he "didn't really care about labels." So basically we did everything a BF/GF does. Except the feelings weren't there at all. Yet later he stated he thought of the thing as a physical relationship.

 

About a month ago, Patrick finally dumped me in some texts (although he’d shown odd, aggressive behavior on our last date.) The reason being that he felt I was "stressful" to put up with, and just generally had wanted to leave for awhile. I had begun walking out on several dates. Even with good reason (medical, phone call, grossed out), he seemed to be tired of it all. Patrick called me "very rude." He explained he didn't enjoy most of the relationship. I’m confused because when we first started dating, I was "fun, pretty, and a good kisser."

 

Naturally he was pissed off in one of our last discussions together. Everything that came out of his mouth was insulting. He just went back and forth listing all my shortcomings. He even apologized and wished me the best of luck. Though I didn't feel any of that was sincere.

 

I've spoken to other people about this problem. Everyone has got the impression that he’s a bit of a creep anyway. One friend tried to get us back together. But my ex mentioned something like: “You made some good points, but you took things out of context. I appreciate the concern. … Goodbye.” And so he’s just been spurting lines like that nonstop. We deleted each others numbers, he blocked me from viewing his blog (where I left some rude comments.) Pretty much everyone advised me to move on. For some strange reason, I can’t stop thinking about him. It seems the relationship was just left unfinished. Also, since our time together was so brief, we never actually had romantic attraction to each other. I feel like that could have worked out.

 

And finally, he swears he’s “done” and “finished” with me. I don’t believe it, considering our past history. He just keeps coming right back. Even when I threw this on him, he mentioned: “No, it’s ~YOU~ who always comes back to ME.” So I don’t know anymore. I’m currently applying the NC. I’ve constantly wished he would secretly show up at my door. Or maybe shower me on my birthday. As much as I wish it I don’t think it’s gonna happen since we haven’t maintained regular contact for awhile now.

 

The last person who heard the news was a bit of a relationship expert. Professionally. He just remarked, "Eh, Patrick must have gotten tired of your walking out. But yeah, I think it's still salvageable. Give it two, three months before contacting him again. You need to consider if this is really what you want though. A yo yo relationship for the rest of your life?"

 

Any further advice?

 

EDIT: Oh yeah, he's decent. Too much, I'd say. He doesn't pressure me and I've tried a lot of other guys.

Edited April 9, 2014 by Esther Tester
Added the EDIT line

[Hello_is_it_me]

I feel bad when long OP's don't get replies after a while so I'm going to detailed-reply for you (my good deed for the day lol)

 

(kind of long, sorry!)

 

I met my "ex" Patrick [fake name] online, and we only dated for three months. I’m going to be 21, and he's almost 26. It became clear from the start we had a yo-yo relationship. This only complicated things. We already broke up twice.

 

Firstly, Patrick thought there was no chemistry. He was also surprised at how I responded to things. Patrick and I have very little in common. Admittedly, this is a huge issue. He's white American, I was born to Chinese immigrants. Even food preferences proved difficult.

 

So what did you enjoy about each other initially? There had to be something...

 

The other breakup had been prompted by a friend of mine, though. This friend didn't think the chem/interests deal was an issue. He faced the same dilemma with several girlfriends. Just focus on something they find interesting and forget the rest, he advised. But he also warned that Patrick seems to suffer a social disorder.

 

Not having any chemistry or interests is a pretty huge deal. I don't think these things can just be forced. Which social disorder? General Anxiety? Antisocial Personality Disorder?

 

When we finally got back together, Patrick maintained that his friends and family don't know about me. And here's the confetti in your face: Patrick tried to have a BF/GF relationship with me stating he "didn't really care about labels." So basically we did everything a BF/GF does. Except the feelings weren't there at all. Yet later he stated he thought of the thing as a physical relationship.

 

So it was moreso casually dating or a FWB thing. We're you both sexually attracted to each other at least? You say you dated for 3 months. How often would you see each other?

 

About a month ago, Patrick finally dumped me in some texts (although he’d shown odd, aggressive behavior on our last date.) The reason being that he felt I was "stressful" to put up with, and just generally had wanted to leave for awhile. I had begun walking out on several dates. Even with good reason (medical, phone call, grossed out), he seemed to be tired of it all. Patrick called me "very rude." He explained he didn't enjoy most of the relationship. I’m confused because when we first started dating, I was "fun, pretty, and a good kisser."

 

What aggressive behavior did he show? (unwarranted aggression = red flag, btw) Dumping someone via text = douchey, red flag. You walked out on dates because of a phone call or being grossed out? You need to explain yourself because those are lame reasons to abruptly end a date. "Fun, pretty, and a good kisser" is very superficial/shallow stuff. So you're mistaken to value such a throwaway line. Also, people always tell people what they want to hear at the beginning of relationships. It's as time passes that you see the truest feelings emerge.

 

Naturally he was pissed off in one of our last discussions together. Everything that came out of his mouth was insulting. He just went back and forth listing all my shortcomings. He even apologized and wished me the best of luck. Though I didn't feel any of that was sincere.

 

Very immature and douchey on his part. There's no reason for this behavior. It proves nothing. It solves nothing. And then he apologizing right after... Gimme a break..

 

I've spoken to other people about this problem. Everyone has got the impression that he’s a bit of a creep anyway. One friend tried to get us back together. But my ex mentioned something like: “You made some good points, but you took things out of context. I appreciate the concern. … Goodbye.” And so he’s just been spurting lines like that nonstop. We deleted each others numbers, he blocked me from viewing his blog (where I left some rude comments.) Pretty much everyone advised me to move on. For some strange reason, I can’t stop thinking about him. It seems the relationship was just left unfinished. Also, since our time together was so brief, we never actually had romantic attraction to each other. I feel like that could have worked out.

 

Not having romantic attraction to someone is a big warning sign to me. That's usually like the FIRST thing that happens when you date someone!! And have you found in the past that you have trouble leaving bad relationships? Are you generally lonely? Self-esteem issues?

 

And finally, he swears he’s “done” and “finished” with me. I don’t believe it, considering our past history. He just keeps coming right back. Even when I threw this on him, he mentioned: “No, it’s ~YOU~ who always comes back to ME.” So I don’t know anymore. I’m currently applying the NC. I’ve constantly wished he would secretly show up at my door. Or maybe shower me on my birthday. As much as I wish it I don’t think it’s gonna happen since we haven’t maintained regular contact for awhile now.

 

Yay! You're both being spiteful! This is too much insanity for only 3 MONTHS in. It's like you totally skipped the honeymoon period and went straight into the toxic relationship mode! Why continue this??

 

The last person who heard the news was a bit of a relationship expert. Professionally. He just remarked, "Eh, Patrick must have gotten tired of your walking out. But yeah, I think it's still salvageable. Give it two, three months before contacting him again. You need to consider if this is really what you want though. A yo yo relationship for the rest of your life?"

 

Any further advice?

 

EDIT: Oh yeah, he's decent. Too much, I'd say. He doesn't pressure me and I've tried a lot of other guys.

 

So the relationship guy zoned in on you walking out. You're going to have to be more descriptive of that. I'm getting the feeling that while your ex sounds like a dirtbag, you weren't a saint as well. And to reiterate, why did you like each other at all in the first place? And three months is too soon for this drama. Do both of yourselves a favor and keep NC and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

Putting it bluntly, this relationship was toxic and headed nowhere. There were problems from the start and you two chose to ignore that and carry on. You can't stop thinking about him because in the end he rejected you, and you got hooked on the little high that comes when people feed you some crumbs of attention. It's not about him, it's about your self-esteem. You aren't good for each other and I promise that cycle would only continue. Someday, when you meet the right guy, you'll be glad you dodged this bullet. I swear it you.

[Esther Tester]

So what did you enjoy about each other initially? There had to be something...

 

I guess the fact that we both didn't have a lot of friends. That was what kept us seeing each other.

 

Not having any chemistry or interests is a pretty huge deal. I don't think these things can just be forced. Which social disorder? General Anxiety? Antisocial Personality Disorder?

 

Just like I wrote, my friend thought he had a social disorder. We're not medical professionals. It does seem Patrick suffered something because he was quite picky and controlling. I tried to bring it up to my MD but they brushed off the topic. If it didn't affect me, I had no business asking about someone else's life.

 

So it was moreso casually dating or a FWB thing. We're you both sexually attracted to each other at least? You say you dated for 3 months. How often would you see each other?

 

Sure, but the same could be said of a lot. We saw each other two or three times a week.

 

What aggressive behavior did he show? (unwarranted aggression = red flag, btw) Dumping someone via text = douchey, red flag. You walked out on dates because of a phone call or being grossed out? You need to explain yourself because those are lame reasons to abruptly end a date.

 

He's a bit of a geeky introvert, I'm afraid. Didn't have time to explain that. I've known a great number of introverts. Same thing. They're afraid of eye contact, will dump you in texts or IMs, and just don't seem to know how to hold relationships.

 

Both, and I guess no one comes out on top.

 

"Fun, pretty, and a good kisser" is very superficial/shallow stuff. So you're mistaken to value such a throwaway line. Also, people always tell people what they want to hear at the beginning of relationships. It's as time passes that you see the truest feelings emerge.

 

I would believe that. Look at how many breakups he's endured. I'm still baffled as to how he was happy, then became like this.

 

Very immature and douchey on his part. There's no reason for this behavior. It proves nothing. It solves nothing. And then he apologizing right after... Gimme a break..

 

Again, bad upbringing. His father was absent and a good friend died during his formative years. I agree it was still a bit excessive, but how was he supposed to know how to act?

 

Not having romantic attraction to someone is a big warning sign to me. That's usually like the FIRST thing that happens when you date someone!!

 

Actually, no. For both of us this part came along many months later. And yet they still didn't work out. There you go, I guess we're just not good at holding relationships.

 

And have you found in the past that you have trouble leaving bad relationships?

 

I don't hesitate to leave them, but I tend to have trouble identifying acceptable behavior from not.

 

Are you generally lonely? Self-esteem issues?

 

No and no.

 

Yay! You're both being spiteful! This is too much insanity for only 3 MONTHS in. It's like you totally skipped the honeymoon period and went straight into the toxic relationship mode! Why continue this??

 

So the relationship guy zoned in on you walking out. You're going to have to be more descriptive of that. I'm getting the feeling that while your ex sounds like a dirtbag, you weren't a saint as well. And to reiterate, why did you like each other at all in the first place? And three months is too soon for this drama. Do both of yourselves a favor and keep NC and move on.

 

Much easier said than done. How would walking out make me a saint? I thought that was kind of obvious. I guess three months would be kind of soon, but we met each other ASAP.

[Esther Tester]

Putting it bluntly, this relationship was toxic and headed nowhere. There were problems from the start and you two chose to ignore that and carry on. You can't stop thinking about him because in the end he rejected you, and you got hooked on the little high that comes when people feed you some crumbs of attention. It's not about him, it's about your self-esteem. You aren't good for each other and I promise that cycle would only continue. Someday, when you meet the right guy, you'll be glad you dodged this bullet. I swear it you.

 

Admittedly I can't say you are wrong here. I have always thought I stayed in the relationship because I felt so lonely. Things would be different if I had more friends or another guy in the picture.

 

Interesting take. I spoke to my MD about this. She was just saying that the relationship seems to have very different aspirations. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway, because we wanted different things.

 

Can't wait for that to happen.

[Hello_is_it_me]

I guess the fact that we both didn't have a lot of friends. That was what kept us seeing each other.

 

God that's a terrible reason lol

 

 

 

Just like I wrote, my friend thought he had a social disorder. We're not medical professionals. It does seem Patrick suffered something because he was quite picky and controlling. I tried to bring it up to my MD but they brushed off the topic. If it didn't affect me, I had no business asking about someone else's life.

 

Oh.. Well he could just be ill mannered or a jerk for all we know..

 

Sure, but the same could be said of a lot. We saw each other two or three times a week.

 

Okay.. That's a decent amount.

 

 

He's a bit of a geeky introvert, I'm afraid. Didn't have time to explain that. I've known a great number of introverts. Same thing. They're afraid of eye contact, will dump you in texts or IMs, and just don't seem to know how to hold relationships.

 

No, NO, NO! Excuses, excuses. Being an introvert is no excuse for rude behavior. Nope, not buying this. Introverts don't get passes to be non-confrontational. That's a misinterpretation of what being an introvert means and whomever preaches as such is manipulating.

 

Again, bad upbringing. His father was absent and a good friend died during his formative years. I agree it was still a bit excessive, but how was he supposed to know how to act?

 

No, NO, NO! More excuses. He's an adult and if people don't know better to not be douches, then screw them. I don't believe in letting him off for such a cop-out reason. Is that what he told you every time he acted out? That this "was the way he was raised?" Lame.

 

 

Actually, no. For both of us this part came along many months later. And yet they still didn't work out. There you go, I guess we're just not good at holding relationships.

 

I don't hesitate to leave them, but I tend to have trouble identifying acceptable behavior from not.

 

No and no.

 

Much easier said than done. How would walking out make me a saint? I thought that was kind of obvious. I guess three months would be kind of soon, but we met each other ASAP.

 

You say you're not lonely but that the initial attraction to each other was that neither of you had any friends..?? Okaaaay...

 

And you never explained the details of why you walked out on those dates.

[Esther Tester]

God that's a terrible reason lol

 

Could be worse, but could be better.

 

 

Oh.. Well he could just be ill mannered or a jerk for all we know..

 

But you've been discussing our relationship all this time. You don't know either of us.

 

No, NO, NO! Excuses, excuses. Being an introvert is no excuse for rude behavior. Nope, not buying this. Introverts don't get passes to be non-confrontational. That's a misinterpretation of what being an introvert means and whomever preaches as such is manipulating.

 

No, NO, NO! More excuses. He's an adult and if people don't know better to not be douches, then screw them. I don't believe in letting him off for such a cop-out reason. Is that what he told you every time he acted out? That this "was the way he was raised?" Lame.

 

I'm not letting him off. What he said was said. I did scold him for it. What is scolding gonna do except raise our blood pressures?

 

You say you're not lonely but that the initial attraction to each other was that neither of you had any friends..?? Okaaaay...

 

What are you trying to say here? I explained that I was lonely. I'm not sure why you're using a high moral tone. Doesn't help anything.

 

And you never explained the details of why you walked out on those dates.

 

I already did in my OP. I said that I had the phone issues, medical issues, etc. No one wins, really. He was stressed out dealing with me. I had nothing in common with him. Why overreact?

[Hello_is_it_me]

Could be worse, but could be better.

 

 

 

 

But you've been discussing our relationship all this time. You don't know either of us.

 

 

 

I'm not letting him off. What he said was said. I did scold him for it. What is scolding gonna do except raise our blood pressures?

 

 

 

What are you trying to say here? I explained that I was lonely. I'm not sure why you're using a high moral tone. Doesn't help anything.

 

 

 

I already did in my OP. I said that I had the phone issues, medical issues, etc. No one wins, really. He was stressed out dealing with me. I had nothing in common with him. Why overreact?

 

I don't know you but if you're going to pull out the whole personality disorder and not back it with anything other than "this guy thinks so" then yeah, I need to kind of clarify that with you

 

You're getting defensive and I'm seeing lots of excuses. What were the details behind the phone, medical issues, and being "grossed out?" Because they are very vague and for me to cancel an ongoing date it's gonna be a pretty damn good reason.

[Eivuwan]

I don't see anything here that would make this relationship work. No chemistry, no similar interests, etc. Wanting to stay with him because you are lonely is not a healthy reason to be with someone. You should focus on making more friends instead.

[Esther Tester]

Just got back from a scary psychiatric breakdown... Upcoming vacation to PA and NY...

 

Actually, he's not a prick for having broken up in texts at all. Most of our communication was done through texts and Skyping. There are articles supporting this practice if you Google. We didn't even talk on the phone.

 

It's not that crazy, I'll just speak to him again in 8-12 more months and let him know it's time to move on. Or whatever else he chooses to do by then. I got a couple big changes planned. Been there, done that. Funny how some people are such judgmental *******s. Alcoholic, much?

 

and so I'm gonna stop using this site

[ExpatInItaly]

Just got back from a scary psychiatric breakdown... Upcoming vacation to PA and NY...

 

Actually, he's not a prick for having broken up in texts at all. Most of our communication was done through texts and Skyping. There are articles supporting this practice if you Google. We didn't even talk on the phone.

 

It's not that crazy, I'll just speak to him again in 8-12 more months and let him know it's time to move on. Or whatever else he chooses to do by then. I got a couple big changes planned. Been there, done that. Funny how some people are such judgmental *******s. Alcoholic, much?

 

and so I'm gonna stop using this site

 

...Say what?

[mammasita]

This guy sounds like a complete douche. He keeps coming back because you let him, no more - no less.

 

If you're happy being in a "relationship" where he can't even give you a title, then by all means let him come back and continue to treat you in a way that's less than what you deserve.