Introvert dating an Extrovert: your experiences

[Babolat]

I'm not quite sure how to say what's on my mind, though I'll try.

 

I have been doing a lot of reading on being Introvert, which I am, and being Extrovert. More out of curiousity, though the more I read the better I understand "why I am the way I am", and why Extroverts "are the way they are" and why our culture is the way it is: Extroverts thrive in our culture. If you talk, if you are heard, people like you and want to be around you regardless of intelligence, looks, etc. It's well documented in many studies. Extroverts are liked and respected whether it's deserved or not. They are even referred to as better looking and smarter in studies.

 

I am not an extreme Introvert as I am social, I like to go out, but as far as my desire for "alone" time, I am an Introvert, ISTJ.

 

The I and the E are all about how we focus our attention or get our energy.

 

My ex gf was very much an Extrovert. A woman I have been on 2 1/2 dates with, is too. I say 1/2 as as she met me and my friends out last Friday for an hour or so, as she was in the area where we were hanging out.

 

I saw that she was talkative and chatty in our 1:1 dates, and during our 1/2 date I saw just how social she is. She was very talkative with my friends, very relaxed, fit right in, was telling stories, commenting on the art work (we were at an art exhibit/fundraiser event).

 

I's are naturally attracted to E's and E's are naturally attracted to I's.

 

One thing I noticed while she was socializing with folks other than my friends, was the way they responded to her. I noticed this on our 2nd date at the ballet too, as she knew some folks there. People just like her..it was the same with my ex gf. It's the Extrovert in her/them that causes people to gravitate to them. I was thinking then that it could be seen as flirty though, versus just who they are. For a quick moment I felt jealous, which I am not a jealous type. I felt like she could not be trusted because she is so social, approaches people and is easy to approach. I would sometimes feel this with my ex gf, too. Then, I caught myself and just realized people are attracted to her, her energy, her "Extrovertness". Both my ex gf and this woman are tall thin blondes, striking if you will, so I'm sure that plays into it, but I think I would feel the same with any E woman..I'm not sure. .

 

So, for the I's and the E's on LS, what's been your experience dating your Opposite? What have you felt, seen, thought about? Does the difference attract you, cause you concern, make you go "Hmmm"?

[Hello_is_it_me]

I's and E's compliment each other because the I's can help the E slow down and enjoy some quiet, reflective time while the E can help the I open up and enjoy some more social/outgoing things.

 

On the Meyers/Briggs spectrum I'm a very very slight I (Introvert 3). So I can fluctuate in being introverted vs. extroverted depending upon the situation. I seem to mostly date introverts for some reason. But I find E's very attractive.

[theediblewoman]

Hmm...well I'm an ISFJ and my boyfriend is an E of some sort...can't remember exactly. I describe being an introvert slightly differently than you, to me an introvert is someone who recharges by spending time alone where as an extrovert feeds off of other people. By my definitions this matches my boyfriend and I pretty accurately. I NEED a lot of alone time and I do a lot of things on my own where as he has the most friends I have ever known someone to have and likes to hang out with people pretty much every day. He is very very outgoing and can talk to pretty much everyone and I can be like this too,but the difference is that I "max out" on being social, after being around people I need to go hide out for a bit and recharge. That being said we are both very friendly people and generally well liked and we have both experienced people thinking we are flirting when in fact we are just being chatty. I have also felt a little jealous at times when I see people attracted to him because of his extroverted personality,but then I just remind myself his friendliness is one of the reasons I love him and that it's just who he is, he talks to everyone!

[Babolat]

I describe being an introvert slightly differently than you, to me an introvert is someone who recharges by spending time alone where as an extrovert feeds off of other people.

 

I agree with this and feel the same. "Recharge" to me is another way of saying "where do you get your energy". I call it getting emotionally exhausted. I can only take so much "talk" then I need some down time to recharge. After a day or two I'm ready to go again!

 

but then I just remind myself his friendliness is one of the reasons I love him and that it's just who he is, he talks to everyone!

 

Well said!

Edited April 1, 2014 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Only two introvert/extrovert relationships on LS?

[Chocolat]

Only two introvert/extrovert relationships on LS?

 

 

I commented in one of your other threads. I recently dated an extrovert. I met him and an introvert at the same time and picked the E (I don't multi-date for more than a couple of dates) instead of the I because I was initially drawn to his charisma, fun, etc. But, over time, it wore me out. The more he liked me, the more time he wanted to spend with me. On paper, this sounds great, but it got to where he wanted to text every night and then talk on the phone on my ride to work each morning, and see me the entire weekend. I had to fight for "me" time, which is something I need. It doesn't mean I don't care about my partner, but he had a hard time understanding that sometimes I need to just... do nothing.

 

Then (and then this is what I commented on in your other thread), there was his constant need to be engaged -- always texting or posting on facebook or whatever. We'd be at my house and if someone was directly speaking to him, his phone would be out and he'd be fiddling on it.

 

I missed peacefulness.

[Babolat]

 

I commented in one of your other threads. I recently dated an extrovert. I met him and an introvert at the same time and picked the E (I don't multi-date for more than a couple of dates) instead of the I because I was initially drawn to his charisma, fun, etc. But, over time, it wore me out. The more he liked me, the more time he wanted to spend with me. On paper, this sounds great, but it got to where he wanted to text every night and then talk on the phone on my ride to work each morning, and see me the entire weekend. I had to fight for "me" time, which is something I need. It doesn't mean I don't care about my partner, but he had a hard time understanding that sometimes I need to just... do nothing.

 

Then (and then this is what I commented on in your other thread), there was his constant need to be engaged -- always texting or posting on facebook or whatever. We'd be at my house and if someone was directly speaking to him, his phone would be out and he'd be fiddling on it.

 

I missed peacefulness.

 

Exactly how my ex gf was. She was patient though if she did not have plans she made it clear she wanted me to be at her place or her at mine. She could never "do nothing" and was actually afraid to be alone, and told me so. There's some childhood issues there too. If she was home alone, her FB activity was off the charts. Even posting "I'm home alone....." and then replying to Comments all night.

 

What's an Introvert to do!

[Chocolat]

Wanted to add this but I wasn't quick enough to edit. It seemed to me that my E bf couldn't get enough interaction. I mean, he'd be out shopping and he'd call me, or he'd be texting me while he was out with friends. It would frustrate me partly because I'd think, "oh good, he's doing X tonight so I have some time alone" and that wouldn't be the case, but also because those conversations would frustrate me. He'd call, and then start talking to someone in the room where he was. It would have been fine with me NOT to talk at that moment but I hated having these pseudo conversations that would be broken up with other activity on his end.

 

The best time we ever had together was a weekend when we went away. I guess because we were together 24/7 he calmed down. And since I knew it was a weekend away together, I was also present 24/7. So it worked. But in our day-to-day lives, it didn't work. He really hated every moment we were apart where I actually enjoyed some alone time.

[Iguanna]

I'm an introvert and my bf is not an extrovert exactly, but he likes being out with friends once in a while and he enjoys being with many people talking about whatever. This is my worst nightmare, having to be charming and talkative when I just want to be quite and alone. I like seeing him enjoying himself and being a charmer and I sometimes have seen girls having the look in their eyes "what the hell does he find in her?", but I don't mind. I know that he loves me and that's that.

[Babolat]

I just remembered this: my ex gf used to tell me it turned her on (sexually) to see me have conversations with people. I remember once while at family event with her family, I was talking engine talk with her uncle. Later that night she could not wait to F&*( me and said it so turned her on to see me talk to him. She would say the same shen she saw me talk to my friends or people in pulbic.

 

One of our last times together was me introducing her to some of my female friends and one of my best male friends, at dinner. After dinner, I walked her to her car, said goodnight, she said she had to get home to her daughter. 15 minutes later she was knocking on my front door, came rushing in, said she was so turned on by watching me talk she wanted me to f^&* her!

[Babolat]

Wanted to add this but I wasn't quick enough to edit. It seemed to me that my E bf couldn't get enough interaction. I mean, he'd be out shopping and he'd call me, or he'd be texting me while he was out with friends. It would frustrate me partly because I'd think, "oh good, he's doing X tonight so I have some time alone" and that wouldn't be the case, but also because those conversations would frustrate me. He'd call, and then start talking to someone in the room where he was. It would have been fine with me NOT to talk at that moment but I hated having these pseudo conversations that would be broken up with other activity on his end.

 

The best time we ever had together was a weekend when we went away. I guess because we were together 24/7 he calmed down. And since I knew it was a weekend away together, I was also present 24/7. So it worked. But in our day-to-day lives, it didn't work. He really hated every moment we were apart where I actually enjoyed some alone time.

Ex gf would do this. She would go out with her friends, to a bar, and start texting me. Sometimes saying "I wish you were here" and I thought to myself, I don't, I'm enjoying my alone time. She would would text me when shopping, too. I use to think "Enjoy "your" time alone". Some texting, keeping in touch, being sweet, showing affection, "I am thinking about you" is nice.

 

We did a weekend alone together too last year, which led to one of our first breakups!

 

I true Introvert bores me, especailly if there is no talk, and definitley if there is no deep talk. My FWB I speak of on here was that way.

[xxoo]

I'm an introvert married to an extrovert. It's no big deal for us, and has lots of advantages when it comes to working as a team. He does all the stuff that involves schmoozing with people, and I sit alone and do taxes and stuff like that.

 

And when it comes to raising kids, I'm happy to stay home with the tired little kid on a Friday night when he takes the older (also an extrovert) kid to a high school football game, and hangs out with his dad friends. I'd hate to go to those games every Fri night, and he'd hate to stay home with the little one every Fri night, so it works out great By the time he gets home, I've had an hour by myself after the kid goes to sleep, he's all filled up with people interaction, and we are both ready to focus our attention on each other.

[Babolat]

Does he ever wish you would go out with him, more? Be more social?

[Phoe]

I've never had a relationship with an extrovert, only introverts.

 

I dated an extrovert once and it never even got a chance to start, it was very unpleasant for both of us.

 

 

I'll never understand the concept that extroverts and introverts balance each other out.

[Ruby Slippers]

I do better with other introverts. Extrovert partners are helpful for getting me out of my shell, but they never seem to really get me.

[xxoo]

Does he ever wish you would go out with him, more? Be more social?

 

It isn't something he's expressed. He sometimes teases me about being antisocial, but he's never seemed upset about it. I am super friendly and gracious when I'm around people, but it exhausts me! And then I need to retreat to my cave. Many of our friends don't even know I'm an introvert because I'm "bubbly" when I'm with them. I just have to strategically limit my time with them

 

As long as he gets his people time, I get my alone time, and we get our together time, we're fine.

[ja123]

I'm an ENFP: the only Extrovert who really needs alone time, so I'm told.

 

 

I most certainly love human contact, but need my regular doses of purposeful solitude.

 

 

I don't mind being with Introverts, so long as it's not mislabelled shyness. I tend to appreciate most Introverts love of deeper one on one conversation. In fact, I prefer that.

 

 

So long as we can both have our "space". Even if my space means that, on occasion, I'll go out as a solo social butterfly while he's alone in his "space". I'd like for both of us to have a strong enough connection that we don't have to be joined at the hip, and neither feels he must exchange his "beingness" for the other. We can just be: separate yet together.

[xxoo]

I don't mind being with Introverts, so long as it's not mislabelled shyness. .

 

That's a good point.

 

I prefer being with an extrovert, as long as it's not mislabeled attention whoring

[lovesickgirl]

I am VERY much E

while my (ex) is VERY much I

 

 

When it comes to communicating and solving problems it is THE worst.

I dont beat around the bush, I'm forward, I want to fix things now! I dont like space nor do I need it. I can multitask many things and still retain my social and relationship life...

 

He on the other hand

 

He likes to sleep on it, fix problems later, becomes balled up when fighting & sometimes "runs away" to avoid the whole situation together.

He LOVES his space and frequently needs it.

 

 

I dont know why as a E that I am addicted to I's. Always been that way...

[Iguanna]

It isn't something he's expressed. He sometimes teases me about being antisocial, but he's never seemed upset about it. I am super friendly and gracious when I'm around people, but it exhausts me! And then I need to retreat to my cave. Many of our friends don't even know I'm an introvert because I'm "bubbly" when I'm with them. I just have to strategically limit my time with them

 

As long as he gets his people time, I get my alone time, and we get our together time, we're fine.

 

I know I'll sound like the most insecure person ever, but doesn't it ever bother you that he NEEDS to be with other people too in order to be happy? Don't you ever wonder why you don't need other people that much to be happy and he does? This is a struggle I always have, though I want him to be happy, even if he's not with me.

 

Does he ever wish you would go out with him, more? Be more social?

 

That's a black point in our relationship, the need he has to drag me out of my shell and show me around to his friends and relatives. His sister is the most extrovert person I know and so is his father, they can't stay at home even when they are sick, so I have to show my social side more than I would wish to. Holidays for me is a nightmare cause we have to visit relatives and I have to smile and do the hated small talk and be charming, and then I go home and I like don't talk for at least 6 hours. I know he feels bad that he makes me do this, but he cares about what other people think (and I really really don't) so I have to make some sacrifices once in a while. I hate it. I mean, hate it.

[isisisweeping]

I am an Introvert, ISTJ.

?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wouldn't worry too much about Meyer's Briggs past for fun - it's not really scientifically valid.

Not that I haven't done it. I even know I am an INFJ and my ex-husband is ENTJ.

 

 

 

 

We got along very well, indeed. We still do, really. We make better friends than spouses for several reasons, but we can talk for hours.

But, my most recent boyfriend was an introvert, and we got on for several reasons too even directly related to that.

So in my experience, it's more person to person than introvert/extrovert.

I couldn't stand it if someone tried to make me be around people all the time; though I don't mind them going out themselves and giving me alone time!

[kodakgirl]

I'm definitely an introvert but I have some extroverted qualities-- I think if I wasn't so shy/socially anxious (something totally different than introversion) I'd be close to the middle of the spectrum. I like people, I like getting to know people and connecting, but it does get emotionally draining. I can be around a romantic partner a lot though without needing heaps of alone time-- quiet time where we are doing our own things, yes, but not alone alone.

 

I realllllly like guys who are extroverted but with some introverted qualities ( ie, they are perfectly happy having an evening at home reading, and can enjoy themselves when doing something alone, even if they'd prefer someone to be along (so would I, usually)). I find it refreshing and energizing. I dearly wish I could be less introverted (nothing wrong with it, I just genuinely like people and wish I didn't need so much recharging) so maybe I like that I get a bit of a 'taste' of extroversion. He can be all social and talkative and likeable, and as long as I smile and stuff people will see us both in that light.

 

I have dated introverted guys too though, and I wouldn't not in the future. But my ideal partner would be a moderate extrovert-- I think we'd both benefit from that.

[xxoo]

I know I'll sound like the most insecure person ever, but doesn't it ever bother you that he NEEDS to be with other people too in order to be happy? Don't you ever wonder why you don't need other people that much to be happy and he does? This is a struggle I always have, though I want him to be happy, even if he's not with me.

 

That thought has never crossed my mind. I see us as different people, liking different things, but the one very important thing we both like is each other I'm clearly his best friend, and he's clearly mine.

 

But he's not out partying or anything. He's a 40 something husband and dad, acting respectably.

[Treasa]

As an extrovert, I really like introverts. Especially ones who pretend they're interested in all my non-stop talking about myself.

 

I think that it requires a balance. If I JUST spent my time with introverts, I would lose my mind. It would be like...well, pretty much like being by myself. I can just stay home if I want that. However, too many extroverts and the energy can rise way too quickly and be too draining, or drama can escalate, or people start fighting over who gets to talk.

 

Sometimes I want to be around other extroverts, particularly when I'm excited about something. If I've had a long day, however, the last thing I want is someone who's high-energy.

[Better]

As long as he gets his people time, I get my alone time, and we get our together time, we're fine.

 

I really think that's the key.

 

Most people think that I am an extrovert. I'm in sales, not shy, enjoy talking with new people, and can often be the center of the stage. However, I can only do that for so long before I need my alone time to recharge. I really need that time on my own or I start to get frustrated and worn out.

 

One of my more recent ex-girlfriends was definitely an extrovert but didn't fit the traditional mold. She was most certainly shy, didn't do well with meeting new people, and was a bit socially awkward. Despite all that she was still happier out with people and built up her personal energy when she was with them. She was constantly on the go, interacting (no matter how awkwardly) with her friends, and couldn't sit still to save her life.

 

On a Sunday morning, I would park myself on the couch when I woke up, watch a little TV, have a cup of coffee, and ponder about what I would do for the day. She would throw open the shades, jump in the shower, and be in my face before the first sip of my coffee asking what we would be doing for the day.

 

So yes, I think you're right. Introverts and extroverts can definitely be together and actually complement each other. However, they have to be conscious of the other person's needs and respect them. If they can both do that, it can be a great match. For what it's worth, I do tend to do better with extroverts, and I consistently score as an INTJ ... weak I and N, strong T and J.