Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Hi, I have been dating a wonderful lady for 6 months. We are both in our mid 40's and working professionals. We live about 20 mins from each other and see each other mainly on the weekends due to our long work schedules and she has an hour commute to and from work. Occasionally we will go out in the middle of the week for dinner. About once every two weeks. I have really been happy in our relationship but about three weeks ago Ive noticed some changes in her. It started when she texted me she didn't sleep well. I said I didn't either but i always sleep better with her.. She texted back "Im not ready to get that serious yet". I told her that I was only stating that I was comfortable with her.. I guess she took it as me wanting to sleep together more or every night. I asked her a week later if she wanted me to come over on a wed to watch TV.. She said she was tired.. She told me she is REALLY stressed out at work and having dreams about it.. She said all she wants to do after work is zone out and watch TV.. Anyways, this weekend we went to a renaissance festival for the weekend to see her sister get married.. We stayed from Friday till Sunday.. She was really distant the whole weekend. Not at all affectionate.. I asked her again what was wrong.. She said she was still stressed from work.. She said she feels I want more of her time and her work makes her too tired during the week.. Thats cool with me for now though. I asked her about it Saturday night and she reiterated her stress at work.. she said when she gets home after work she wants to just zone out and not think about anything. She didn't want to keep talking about it so I changed the subject.. Anyways on the drive home I asked her about spending time together.. She said a few things that have me thinking.. She said she doesn't sleep well at my house.. She said she needs her makeup and clothes.. Yet when she comes over on friday or saturday she doesn't bring them. Its like she's not planning on staying but does anyways.. She also started talking about having to repaint her garage one weekend.. I offered to help but she seemed reluctant.. Said she would have to move everything out.. I took it like she didn't want my help. Here is my take on this.. i think after 6 months of giving me almost all her weekends she might be missing her freetime or space and she's setting up to have more of that by what she said. Her brother in law told me this weekend she has been by herself allot and is very independent which I agree. What should I do? I'm pretty much the planner in our relationship.. Should I just leave it up to her if she wants to see me this friday/weekend? Give her an opportunity to have some space? We normally text every day? Maybe i should back off from that? thanks for listening Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Sounds like she doesn't have time for a relationship and she's taking you for granted. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 I'd drop off her radar for a while. See if she contacts you within 48 - 60 hours. If she doesn't.... low interest level alert, here, bud...... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Man that's a hard one. I'll state the obvious - she could be losing interest in you or interested in someone else. I am sure others wil dive into this as well. But I wanted to toss out another possibility to consider. You said she's in her 40's. I'm just tossing this out there but she might be entering pre-menopause. For some women that can be a fairly dramatic shift in the life as hormone levels decline. You mention insomnia and that's a side effect. As hormonal levels decline natural urges to "couple" (in the relationship sense) also decline. Some women going through still stage in life often desire more time alone and more defined boundaries. It is just bio chemistry. Google "gray divorce" for a better run down. I could be totally wrong on this but it is something to be mindful of. On the other hand, you are losing testosterone at the same time and this becoming more senstive and desirous of a closer emotional relationship. Yeah, nature's perverse strategy... Hope this helps! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 It seems to me that she's pulling back because, A) She's unsure of the relationship's future, or B) She's trying to tell you she doesn't have enough free time to herself and she wants that back. Or a combo of both. Either way, I'd give her some space and pull back a little too. She how the next couple weeks go. If nothing changes, I'd ask her whether or not she still wants to continue seeing each other. After 6 months, you have a right to know if it's headed anywhere or if you're just spinning your wheels. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 maybe she is truly stressed from work and if you are bugging her about more time together that is adding to the stress and making her back off. perhaps be more sympathetic? ask her about this stress and what you can do to help her - maybe offer to help with the garage painting, a few chores during the week, cook her some dinners after work, etc. if I was legitimately stressed I'd want my partner to display some caring/caretaking attributes towards me. try with that; it doesn't mean she's backing off or losing interest if she's got real issues. and, as a female, I prefer to be at my own home (instead of his) as well... wanting to be with my makeup and clothes and etc. is my reason as well, so that I wouldn't think is a lie at all 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) thank you for all the replies.. Normally I am the one that initiates the contact during the day (i.e. usually texting) Last week I decided to not text first and every day I didn't she texted me asking how my day was. So that was a good sign.. The last two weekends I worked saturdays but both saturdays she was with her sister shopping and came over to my place saturday night staying till early sunday afternoon. So she spent Friday night and Saturday without me but with her sister. I think maybe ExpatinItaly has a point... A combo of both.. We haven't exchanged I Love you's yet... I just hadn't felt the vibe that she's ready for that step.. I think she senses Im getting more serious desiring more time with her than just the weekends.. So maybe she is evaluating the relationship.. Plus she's an independent woman.. So I just don't know.. See I don't want to move in with her or anything.. I think that would be the next step. I'm just now signing my divorce papers from my marriage.. I like things the way they are for the most part. I don't understand why she seems to be pulling away. I haven't made a big deal about seeing her more although I admitted it would be nice. I think she really is stressed about work.. She's even dreaming about it.. plus she feels she's got to give me her time too. Probably pretty stressful. Theirs gotta be a way to make everyone happy.. I could be happy with just my weekends with her. For a while at least.. LOL Edited March 31, 2014 by Kernal Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 So If I understand well she made a complete turn around after 6 months? So here's my take on it. By the way I am 48, a professional, and was single for 8 years. If this relationship was going smoothly and suddenly she is losing interest it's because someone else has shown up on her radar OR she realized you are not it for her. After 6 months a woman usually wants to solidify her relationship with a man, not the other way around. I don't buy she is too tired from work. I have an hour commute each morning and night, I got stress at work more than all of you here reunited, and what I want when I get off work is to see my boyfriend, feel his kisses and his arms around me. Give her some space, slow down on the communication and let her paint her garage alone as she wishes. About you go away on your own for a weekend? While she is alone she will 1. Miss you and run back to you 2. Conclude she no longer wants to be with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Also lets say I decide to pull back a little... Give her more space on my own.. Should I let her know thats what Im doing because thats what I feel she wants? Or just do it with no explanation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 (edited) I feel the same way Gaeta.. I would want to have her arms around me if I was that stressed out.. Not push her away and zone in front of the TV. Gaeta, If I give her more space should I just make myself unavailable to her or just wait for her to make plans together and if she doesn't just let her be? So If I understand well she made a complete turn around after 6 months? So here's my take on it. By the way I am 48, a professional, and was single for 8 years. If this relationship was going smoothly and suddenly she is losing interest it's because someone else has shown up on her radar OR she realized you are not it for her. After 6 months a woman usually wants to solidify her relationship with a man, not the other way around. I don't buy she is too tired from work. I have an hour commute each morning and night, I got stress at work more than all of you here reunited, and what I want when I get off work is to see my boyfriend, feel his kisses and his arms around me. Give her some space, slow down on the communication and let her paint her garage alone as she wishes. About you go away on your own for a weekend? While she is alone she will 1. Miss you and run back to you 2. Conclude she no longer wants to be with you. Edited March 31, 2014 by Kernal Link to post Share on other sites
HappyLove Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 What are her other responsibilities besides work? Does she even have kids? Sounds like excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 My experience has been that people make time and energy for what they are interested in. G 12 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Also lets say I decide to pull back a little... Give her more space on my own.. Should I let her know thats what Im doing because thats what I feel she wants? Or just do it with no explanation? I would just do it. You don't necessarily need to drop off the radar completely, but don't initiate contact as much. Don't plan dates. She's giving you signals she wants some alone time, so try to respect that. Other posters have suggested you comfort her, cook for her, and so on. I would advise against that in this case. She made it clear she wants to be by herself after work, and didn't warmly receive your offer to paint her garage. Pressing that might only annoy her. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 I feel the same way Gaeta.. I would want to have her arms around me if I was that stressed out.. Not push her away and zone in front of the TV. Gaeta, If I give her more space should I just make myself unavailable to her or just wait for her to make plans together and if she doesn't just let her be? To me being open and honest come first so I would not pretend I am busy, I would get busy. I would tell her I heard her request for space and will grant it to her. I will get busy with my own plans ABCDX (maybe you have a garage to paint too!) and when her mind is cleared up she knows where to find you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 She's got grown children.. What are her other responsibilities besides work? Does she even have kids? Sounds like excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 So it would be a bad idea to say.. "What I am hearing is you want a little space and I am willing to give it to you. Let me know when you would like to see each other and we can work through this."?? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 So it would be a bad idea to say.. "What I am hearing is you want a little space and I am willing to give it to you. Let me know when you would like to see each other and we can work through this."?? Work through this? Do you feel there is something to work through? When she gets back to you I feel she should have her head screwed back on. At her age it should not take her weeks to figure out what she wants. She wants to be in this with you or she doesn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 I honestly feel I havent been that demanding of her time.. I have treated her like gold too.. I purchased airline fair to New Orleans for the Jazz Fest in three weeks about two months ago.. She has been making long term plans with me.. What the heck? Ugh Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 I honestly feel I havent been that demanding of her time.. I have treated her like gold too.. I purchased airline fair to New Orleans for the Jazz Fest in three weeks about two months ago.. She has been making long term plans with me.. What the heck? Ugh Well.....that one is on you. Two months ago you had just been dating for 4 months. It was a bit early to purchase tickets for an event 3 months later. Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 Odd. If I were stressed at work I would prefer to distract myself with my SO. But perhaps some serious stress is going down at work and being alone is how she copes? Have you talked about her about the details of what's happening at work? And she was loving and fine for almost all of the 6 months just up until now? It is a bit strange. I would also agree with the posters that recommended giving her some space. It's a good way to see if she's still interested in you. Go NC and let her initiate. And when you do talk again, let her initiate the next time you see her. If she never contacts you or initiates a meeting, then I would take it that she's lost interest (aka you leave the relationship). Link to post Share on other sites
TXGuy Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 .. I have treated her like gold too.. I really don't understand why this is the case, but with some women, treating them too well somehow lowers their attraction to you. While it is counterintuitive, it happens with surprising frequency. I would not suggest treating her poorly, but you might want to tone down treating her 'like gold.' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Yes that is on me. Maybe this is just a phase she's going through.. I'm hoping she's just feeling overwhelmed with her demands from work and her feeling of obligation to give me her time also... Maybe she is just needing her ME time for a while.. Trying to remain optimistic.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 I tried a little NC last week.. Wednesday and Thursday.. Both days she contacted me first so I thought things were better. Regardless I might do it again.. And let her initiate the next time I see her is a good idea.. Who know.. Maybe a weekend away from me will re-energize her because she will miss me a bit. Odd. If I were stressed at work I would prefer to distract myself with my SO. But perhaps some serious stress is going down at work and being alone is how she copes? Have you talked about her about the details of what's happening at work? And she was loving and fine for almost all of the 6 months just up until now? It is a bit strange. I would also agree with the posters that recommended giving her some space. It's a good way to see if she's still interested in you. Go NC and let her initiate. And when you do talk again, let her initiate the next time you see her. If she never contacts you or initiates a meeting, then I would take it that she's lost interest (aka you leave the relationship). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kernal Posted March 31, 2014 Author Share Posted March 31, 2014 Do ya'll think its odd that two 45 year olds who have been dating 6 months haven't said I love you? IS that a bad sign? Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 31, 2014 Share Posted March 31, 2014 I tried a little NC last week.. Wednesday and Thursday.. Both days she contacted me first so I thought things were better. Regardless I might do it again.. And let her initiate the next time I see her is a good idea.. Who know.. Maybe a weekend away from me will re-energize her because she will miss me a bit. Yeah, maybe a some further NC can help her not take you for granted, if that is what's going on.. Link to post Share on other sites
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