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Problems with a "friend"


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Hi there, I'm hoping people may be able to offer me a little advice please...

 

I'm 36 years old and have been divorced for just over a year. I have a ten year old daughter that I see a lot of.

 

Needless to say after being married for 12 years I'm not great at the dating side of things... But this has happened recently...

 

Approx 4 months ago I met a girl (ten years younger than me) - nothing happened as at that time she had a boyfriend. We did however quickly become very close friends ("best friends" some would say)... About a month ago when she split with her boyfriend I plucked up the courage to tell her that I saw her as more than a friend. I was told that she "just didn't have those feelings for me" fair enough I thought - and we continued to be friends... I should point out here - she was only with this man for a few weeks and decided it wasn't right she broke up with him...

 

We met for drinks last week - and whilst tipsy she kissed me. She told me that she's always been interested but things are difficult. That night we kissed a lot, held hands around town - acted like a couple.

 

We didn't sleep together - the next day we had a chat about everything and she basically told me that she doesn't know what she wants - she finds it difficult that I have a daughter because if things go wrong it could hurt her too - I do understand this. She also says she has a major issue and worry about losing my friendship if something went wrong...

 

Since then she told a mutual friend that she kissed me. Said friend said "was it just a drunken kiss?" To which she replied "no it meant something"

 

I understand she is only in her twenties, and the fairy tale probably never involved a man with a daughter from a failed marriage...

 

I'm really puzzled as to what to do know. I don't want to put any pressure on her - but I don't want to miss any window of opportunity. I don't know why she only told me this stuff after she had had a drink (courage perhaps).

 

I've always felt that she liked me (romantically) because of the amount she texts and comes over etc - having said that, it does seem like since this incident she's pulled back a little... I asked her if she'd like to do something with me this week but kind of got brushed off; "I'll have to let you know".

 

I know it sounds strange, but I am so sure this woman likes me - and is holding back because she's terrified of damaging our friendship...

 

Anyway if anyone has any. Advice or opinions on the situation I'd be really grateful.

 

Thank you for reading this.

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She might just be looking for attention because she broke up with the boyfriend, in other words she's looking for an rebound. I had this happen to me before with a girl who just broke up with a boyfriend. My relationship with her went crashing down when she decided to go back to the ex... I don't know if she did or not. But be prepared for her emotional roller coaster if you want to pursue this to the next level!

 

I say keep it platonic until she is sure that she is over this guy. Don't pursue too hard than she will break things off with you completely.

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I had considered this. But her previous relationship was so short - I honestly don't think she had/has any interest in her ex at all.

Even when she was going out with him it was very obvious to me, my friends, and her friends that she was interested in me...

 

I don't think there's any issue at all about being a rebound. If that were the case I think we'd be together right now...

 

Thank you for your reply.

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For me, I'm reluctant to get involved with a woman with kids just because it does affect the kids if it doesn't work. That being said , if both parents are active and engaged in the kids' lives , that's not a huge issue. It's when one parent is absent that it gets dicey.

 

Along those same lines, I don't introduce any women to my kids (they're all 8 and under) because unless I just know I'm going to be with somebody long term, there's no point in having them deal with that.

 

Now, to your girl....

 

She is young, and at that age, most women are still chasing that standard fairy tale life progression of meet a man, buy a house, have kids, live happily ever after. A man who has been there, had a failed marriage, has children, has an ex-wife....it tarnishes the fairy tale a little. That arrangement precludes the normal set up that most of her friends are having.

 

All that being said....none of that means crap. Women are interesting. Once they begin to view the world realistically, all of a sudden, the divorce, the ex-wife , the kids....they don't matter. Women tend to be nurturing, and your child can become her child in her heart very quickly. Not only that, but you only have 1 child, so you could both still have your own family (that's what a lot of women truly want in terms of family...their own kids).

 

Sit back, relax. Don't push anything on her, don't put any expectations on her. But at the same time, don't back all the way off. Give her the time to see if she wants to come around to the idea of you. She's definitely interested, but you need to give her the room and freedom to clear those hurdles on her own. Don't sell her on anything. She might arrive at a place where she just can't do it, and that's OK if that happens.

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Thank you Ronald I think that's excellent advice.

 

Both myself and my ex-wife are very involved in our Daughters life...

 

I absolutely agree - I'm not the fairytale. Failed marriage, child, ten years older etc. I truly hope that she can look past it.

 

I like where you said she's "definitely interested" although I've always thought it it gets to a point where you start doubting yourself - does that make sense?

 

It seems here patience is the virtue here - something I'm not great at practicing in all honesty - but I shall try my best and see where it leads me/us...

 

Thank you again.

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Thank you Ronald I think that's excellent advice.

 

Both myself and my ex-wife are very involved in our Daughters life...

 

I absolutely agree - I'm not the fairytale. Failed marriage, child, ten years older etc. I truly hope that she can look past it.

 

I like where you said she's "definitely interested" although I've always thought it it gets to a point where you start doubting yourself - does that make sense?

 

It seems here patience is the virtue here - something I'm not great at practicing in all honesty - but I shall try my best and see where it leads me/us...

 

Thank you again.

 

No reason to doubt yourself. You just need to recalibrate your perspective a little.

 

Here's how I look at things:

At this point, I'm playing with house money. I have kids, so all of the intrinsic needs for valuing myself, generating self-worth, having a purpose and goal in life, and most importantly, having lifetime love (both to give as well as receive)...that's all taken care of. The relationship you have with your child can always be what you make it. Not everybody had that....but you do.

 

Then, for me, relationships with women are just icing on the cake. I don't need validation. I don't need somebody else to live for or fill voids or eradicate loneliness or rescue me or anything. They're just something that should be fun and enriching, and anything that isn't is summarily moved away from. If (if, if, if, if) some woman comes along who just totally blows my hair back in a way that just works for me, in a way that I can tell it's bigger that the lustful euphoria you feel when you are first getting to know somebody, I will then consider involving myself emotionally.

 

You're a commodity, guy. Believe it or not, you have a lot more to offer than you think. You're a commodity and there are a lot of buyers out there. Don't sell yourself off, though, to the first willing buyer. Let your demand increase, let the market see your demand increase, let your stock value shoot up, and then sell when you have the right buyer.

 

This girl is interested, but she's not ready to invest in your stock. So, let the market do what it does. Date some other women, have some fun, don't take it seriously, but also, keep in touch with the other girl. If she isn't going to buy yet, don't sell!

 

Enjoy your time and your freedom.

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Thanks for your reply again. I do understand that.

 

The truth is I have dated several other women - and been asked out by a few which I have politely declined.

 

But this woman just "does it" for me. And I don't just mean just physically. For the last 12 months I have been happy by myself and fulfilled - I never had a great desire to get into a new relationship... Until I met this woman. There are of course no guarantees but I really think it could be very special.

 

I truly have enjoyed my time and freedom - but the thought of letting this woman slip through my fingers I find a little devastating in all honesty... It's hard to find logic there. But that is the truth.

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The age gap may have something to do with it. You being divorced and a child may have something to do with it. But the main culprit here is, for whatever reason, she's just not that's into you. If she was truly enamored, she would've rationalized your situation in her mind. She would've given you a chance by now.

 

She kissed you? She was drunk? I wouldn't put a lot of stock into it.

She told a mutual friend that the kiss meant more. Unless you were there listening to their conversation, I wouldn't put too much stock into it.

 

It was over as soon as she said she didn't have feelings for you.

Don't believe me? Ask her on a proper date. There's a very good chance you'll hear her say, "Did I not tell you, I don't have feelings for you". Or something along those lines.

 

You say you don't want to pressure her. I say it's only pressure, when shes just not that into you.

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Maybe that's all true and she's just not that into me, but I'm not convinced - call that denial or whatever you want but I'm not sure...

 

The mutual friend (whom is actually closer to her than me) is certain that it is only the "friendship" holding her back...

 

Yes, we'd had a drink and she did kiss me - wasn't just once - it continued when we left. Perhaps you're right again and it was simply a drunken snog but again I suspect different.

 

Who knows - maybe I'm trying to convince myself otherwise. It can be hard to take a step back sometimes...

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Standard-Fare

The poster above is being pretty dramatic, but I agree with the general gist of what he (or she?) is saying...

 

This girl just doesn't seem willing or ready to dive into things with you. She wants to keep you dangling there for a while as a safety net while she considers other options. (It's also totally possible she's not over this ex yet, and hoping for a reconciliation there.)

 

There's a huge gap between 26 and 36. Unless this girl is specifically "into older dudes," like that's her turn-on, she realizes she has the advantage and can keep you in the rafters.

 

So like other says, just do your own thing and don't worry too much about her until/unless she shows more decisive interest.

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It could all be very true. But do you both think it's worth pursuing even a little?

 

This isn't a woman who sleeps around - she is someone who was badly hurt in her last serious relationship.

 

Again, maybe you're right and I'm setting myself up for an almighty fall - but I know I can't look back and wonder.

 

It's not like I'm being romantic towards her at the moment so nothing really to cut off there.

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Standard-Fare

I'm just being real with you about the way me and my friends, when we were in our mid-20s, viewed "older dudes." And yes, 36 was considered old -- and add divorce/kids to that, and it's a whole other foreign dimension.

 

We saw ourselves as having the upper hand, and having many other options. The 36-year-old might always be there in the end waiting faithfully for you, viewing you as a prize, but in the meantime, there's other fish to fry.

 

Just being brutally honest, and I'm 33 now so obviously I see the ridiculousness and arrogance of this type of thinking.

 

The only exception is, as I mentioned, if she's INTO more mature guys as a rule. Some women, that's their thing, and they will prioritize that and dismiss guys their own age.

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Thanks Standard-Fare - these are really valid points. Perhaps the age is an issue and I'm viewed as old.

 

She never seems to treat me like I'm older etc but I know that doesn't mean much.

 

Her previous boyfriends have all been approx the same age as her I think, although her friends are a mixture of her own age upto mid 40s.

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I'm just being real with you about the way me and my friends, when we were in our mid-20s, viewed "older dudes." And yes, 36 was considered old -- and add divorce/kids to that, and it's a whole other foreign dimension.

 

We saw ourselves as having the upper hand, and having many other options. The 36-year-old might always be there in the end waiting faithfully for you, viewing you as a prize, but in the meantime, there's other fish to fry.

 

Just being brutally honest, and I'm 33 now so obviously I see the ridiculousness and arrogance of this type of thinking.

 

The only exception is, as I mentioned, if she's INTO more mature guys as a rule. Some women, that's their thing, and they will prioritize that and dismiss guys their own age.

 

Which is why I told him he should hang out with some other women and not invest too much into her.

 

The part you brought up about younger women thinking they have the upper hand is interesting. I've hung out with a number of younger women since my marriage ended, and I would say they do tend to go into it with that mindset. However, they're just kids....not a fair fight. The first time they try to pull rank like that and you just shrug your shoulders and say 'alright, take care', they change their tune quickly.

 

The OP needs to stay in control of his life and not let this girl tank him around too much. He probably has a lot to offer....maybe moreso than a lot of the guys that are this girl's age. I think she's at least partially interested. He just needs to keep living her life and not let her call all the shots.

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Standard-Fare

Well, I never said that these attitudes were fair, or smart, or justified -- I just was talking honestly about the way most of my friends and I felt in our mid-20s. The arrogance of youth. (I'm also generalizing a lot... obviously not everyone feels that way, and a more mature woman of that age would be wiser than this.)

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I do intend to stay in full control - I'm relatively good at that - especially after going through a divorce etc - it makes you pretty thick skinned.

 

I kind of just wish I knew what my next step should be with this whole situation.

 

Perhaps it really is just a case of wait and see - and hope for the best.

 

I normally talk myself down with things like this - but I'm very certain she's interested. That's quite a rare thing for me to say.

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Well, she's young and knows she has no reason to get tied down with an instant family, for one. Two, she just broke up and is probably rebounding and needs a few months to know what's next. Once someone tells you they simply don't feel that way, you should probably walk away. She means she likes you as a friend but isn't particularly attracted to you. I had a situation like that. A very close friend of three years began divorce proceedings and it happened to be right as I'd broken up and was really devastated about it, which lasted a great long time, so it was NO time for me to be trying to have a relationship. I didn't feel "that way" about the divorcing guy but he was insistent that he come straight to me and turned out he just didn't ever like to be unmatched, not even for 24 hours to get over a divorce. I know I have issues loving sometimes the wrong people and just thought I ought to try it like others do and try to see if I could have a relationship with this very good friend and not just throw him away, so I did try. But I was too used to being his friend. It just didn't have that spark. He did everything right for a bit, but I loved him but wasn't in love with him, wasn't excited about him. I don't like having sex with people unless I'm pretty passionate, and I just didn't feel that way, though it was nothing he did wrong. To me, it was like getting married and going straight into being an "old married couple" without the benefit of the courtship and honeymoon.

 

With her, I'd kind of back off for a few months. Let her process her life. Her head is probably spinning. I'd decrease communication, not let her get dependent on you for friendly advice type stuff. Let her get her feet on the ground, and then maybe broach the subject again if it feels right.

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Thanks Preraph. I think you maybe right.

 

The thing is I was ok with being friends when she told me she didn't have those feelings for me. It just changed when she opened up after we had some drinks.

 

She bought up things from a long time ago "It really hurt me when I saw you with so and so that once" - stuff that went back a long way... I know the argument here is that she had, had a drink - but I don't know I've always believed that gives people courage and just turns the volume up on their normal feelings...

 

Thank you for the advice.

 

Perhaps you're right and there's simply no attraction there... I will give her time - I do actually feel she's become a little dependent on me recently...

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Just to update on this...

 

I backed off for a while and that seemed to make things a little easier. Nothing has happened since - physically.

 

We have met (as friends) a couple of times and even her friends mention to me how much she is into me. The other day she came over and spent some time with me and my daughter - it was her idea and I did explain to daughter that she was just a friend etc.

 

Anyway, we had a great day together - lots of fun and laughs - and now it seems like she's gone cold again. I just can't work it out...

 

I know previously she went out with someone who was a good friend and she often speaks about the regret she has that they are no longer friends. But I'm not him, surely IF she likes me I deserve a chance?

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Hmmm, when you meet "as friends" are you paying for everything? You need to move on from this one. She's given her answer.

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Eternal Sunshine

She is just not interested.

 

You have been friends for 4 months and she doesn't want to lose the friendship? All 4 months of it? C'mon. If it was 4 years maybe, possibly I could buy that (but not really).

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No I never pay for everything. If we go out to eat and drink we split everything - but she hangs out at mine a lot...

 

I understand what you're saying about only being friends for 4 months but we did get close quickly. Actually, I'd hate to lose her friendship now too.

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I was divorced after a 12-years marriage when I was 35. Same as your situation. I started dating women, but I would refuse to date any woman who was under 30, and with no kids. Exactly for these reasons.

 

Women in their 20s do no have their acts together...in life...and experience. They really are not mature enough to date people their own age, so they are impressed easily by older guys. The ones with no kids are even worse, since they tend to not have that sense of responsibility yet. Remember the time when you didn't have your child? You were probably flakier and more selfish. Children really change us as people. Therefore, it's hardly a good match for a parent to date a non-parent.

 

Your age gap and differences in life experience would make this dating experience very difficult for both of you. Plus, she's not really into you. Women don't waiver back and forth about their feelings if they really like a man. Why would you put up with this?

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How long do you plan on not having someone special in your life because of this girl who values your friendship o so much. :rolleyes: You should be out there meeting women. Are you waiting until this girl meets someone else?

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