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Been dating a 'nice guy', but there's a lack of excitement/physical attraction?


paigej91

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This is the most cliche dating situation and exactly what "nice guys" complain about. I've gone on 4 dates with a guy who's extremely nice/gentleman-y, intelligent, and who has a good career. The problem is, I've not especially excited by him physically. He isn't bad looking, but nothing is enticing me physically/sexually (I'm not going to mention the word "chemistry" once, because this phrase is bogus and different to everyone). I also don't have to "work" for him to like me- he's already really into me and I'm honestly not sure how I feel since I just met him.

 

I don't want to lead him on for too long incase I decide to just be friends, but part of me thinks it just might take more time. Personality and character-wise everything is perfect. We always laugh a lot when we're together and can talk about anything. The last time I dumped a guy because of this situation, I regretted not giving it a shot. At the same time, I'm not sure if physical attraction actually develops over time or not. Any general advice?

 

Edit: I really have done minimal online dating, but I would compare it to how a lot of people on here describe the dates from there. In my case, I actually met this guy at a bar. Strangely though we're both more of the intellectual types haha.

Edited by paigej91
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It's clear that physical/sexual attraction is important. You've been on 4 dates, so how many more before you decide you've given him a chance? Physical attraction is important to the vast majority of people. I decide w/ in the first 1-2 dates whether, physically, the person I'm dating, meets my preference. I don't linger trying to force myself to be satisfied with something I find important in a mate by continuing to date.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty. As per the last time you were in this situation, what did you regret and how did you come to the conclusion that it was a regrettable moment?

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Hey! Tough spot you're in-- it can be super annoying. I can tell you will 100% certainty that physical attraction CAN indeed build over time. All of my LTRs have been with quintessential "nice" guys that I wasn't immediately swooning over but there was chemistry in all other areas. Will it happen to you? Maybe, maybe not. 4 dates is usually enough time to tell for me, but everyone is different. If you truly enjoy spending time with him I would give it a go.

 

On the flip side, I've also dated someone who I was intensely physically attracted to, but he couldn't hold a conversation or make me laugh for anything, even though we had so much in common. That didn't go beyond 4 dates-- I was bored out of my mind.

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You shouldn't feel guilty. As per the last time you were in this situation, what did you regret and how did you come to the conclusion that it was a regrettable moment?

 

I regretted that, despite the fact it wasn't exactly what I would want in the appearance/physical realm, I passed up a guy who actually treated me right and who had many great qualities. How did I conclude" it? Well, I noticed it when he was taken because until then, I still had the option.

 

Where the problem lies is in the fact that both are important to some extent.

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I guess it depends on the person, but physical attraction doesn't just "grow" onto me.

 

I was kind of in your position with this one girl a long time ago. Conversation was good and I enjoyed spending time with her, but the physical attraction never grew on.

 

We held hands, made out and such, but to be honest I don't think I wanted to go further than that.

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Grumpybutfun

This isn't about him being nice, it is about him being boring, too easily conquered, and not appealing physically for you. Best to just move on so he can find someone else. Niceness is just guys who don't treat you like crap, and I am sure that any sensible woman doesn't want to be treated like crap.

Good luck,

G

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Yeah this is the problem with society today. Break it off with him, your prince charming will come along someday. Just when you think you've found him, he pumps and dumps you for a better looking girl. Then you'll be on here creating another thread Titled "I thought he was the one, then he just dumped me." LMAO

 

I think were all domed to die alone lol.

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I was always the type to find my attraction to past boyfriends grew slowly over time, so I am a believer in giving things time.

 

BUT. Like you said, you don't want to lead him on, and he already seems to like you quite a bit.

 

 

If you think there's a good chance your attraction will grow over time, go for it. If you don't think it's something you are capable of doing, cut it off now.

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Bruce Leigh

What is all this "nice guy" thing that appears everywhere these days?

Lets face it, if you aren't ******* somebody off, then I guess you are too "nice"

People rarely get what they want in the dating world by being nice.

My friends call me a nice guy, i'll say thank you.

A woman says it, my eyes start rolling and I'm gone.

 

Cant see it ending well at all, letting him go now would be only be fair to him.

You drag it on and on, waiting to see if your feelings grow and he is smitten even more over this time. Will make things even harder for him to get over you.

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quidproquo89
Logically then, by your opinion that girls only like men who aren't nice guys, you should be swimming in women, right? So, why is your name aloneat45?

:rolleyes:

G

Agree to disagree maybe? :)

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quidproquo89
What is all this "nice guy" thing that appears everywhere these days?

Lets face it, if you aren't ******* somebody off, then I guess you are too "nice"

People rarely get what they want in the dating world by being nice.

My friends call me a nice guy, i'll say thank you.

A woman says it, my eyes start rolling and I'm gone.

 

Cant see it ending well at all, letting him go now would be only be fair to him.

You drag it on and on, waiting to see if your feelings grow and he is smitten even more over this time. Will make things even harder for him to get over you.

agreed, definitely be careful not to hurt him.

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I recently had a conversation with my gf about the "nice guy" thing. I've always regarded myself as a nice guy, but my gf doesn't see me as that...exactly. She feels that I'm a good guy, but not the stereo-typical "nice" guy. Her perception of the nice guy is that of someone who does not offer confidence, security and for her, someone who will add to her, inspire her in some way.

 

So, yeah, I think being the "nice" guy according to what my gf says is not all that attractive. It's not enough for some, many women that the guy opens the door for them or buys them flowers....there has to be more.

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I'm sure if Brad Pitt (sorry typical example) did everything a text book nice guy would, girls would still be all over him. Brad Pitt acting like the textbook "nice guy" would be viewed as "Omg he's the perfect gentleman." by ladies because he has that physical attractiveness.

 

It makes me think the term "nice guy" is used when the guy hasn't stood out to a lady. Not so much that fact he acts "nice", but nothing he posses has caught the eye of a lady.

 

It's kind of a "catch all phrase" for girls use when there's nothing wrong with the guy they just aren't interested or attracted.

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This 'nice guy' label is interesting to me, because it implies you're either a 'nice guy' or you're a jerk. What's interesting is that people try to come up with a label that encompasses them, but there are so many variables, caveats, nuances etc in personality that one term can't adequately describe a person.

 

I'm a 'nice guy' insofar as I:

- am friendly, outgoing, helpful, sweet, empathic, respectful, generous, funny, jokey, easy going, understanding and accommodating of the needs of other, polite, honest, etc

 

But I'm not a 'nice guy'.

 

I'm not a nice guy because when it comes to women, I really just don't give a f**k. I have a low BS tolerance, I'm edgy, I can be really sarcastic and cutting. If somebody comes after me, look out. I'm not afraid of 'losing' things, so I don't compromise my principles and integrity to keep somebody around. If a woman wants to play a lot of these typical woman games, I just tell them to scram. I stand up for myself, and the door is always right there and I have no fear of using it. I make this known.

 

And finally, in regards to what the OP is probably missing: if I'm hanging out with a woman that I'm attracted toc, I am sweet and nice and funny and empathic, but at the same, I make sure I give them that subtle look that says, 'I will f**k you so good that you'll see God'. That's not nice, but it's still nice if you're a woman.

 

So many 'nice guys' are just pushovers. They want to be all these things to a woman that they THINK the woman wants. So, they're walking and come to a puddle, and the gentlemanly 'nice guy' takes off his jacket and throws it across the puddle so that the woman doesn't get her shoes wet. And after she walks on his jacket, he bends over to pick it up and she keeps walking trying to find the guy who will f**k her until she sees God. Just how it goes.

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agreed, definitely be careful not to hurt him.

 

Yeah, I think I'll just be straight-up blunt and say I don't know what I'm feeling yet, but I want to give it some time.

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It makes me think the term "nice guy" is used when the guy hasn't stood out to a lady. Not so much that fact he acts "nice", but nothing he posses has caught the eye of a lady.

 

It's kind of a "catch all phrase" for girls use when there's nothing wrong with the guy they just aren't interested or attracted.

 

You're right, I'm using a term that's completely subjective (like many terms in dating- take chemistry, for example). The term has come to mean something other than just being "nice". I think the term partially came about because of the stereotypical "players" who win women over, but don't possess the qualities for being a good mate. As such, the nice guys who possess these, but don't turn women on right away (or ever), are under this label.

 

But this is completely off topic- let's go back to my original question about developing more attraction for someone once you know him/her better. What needs to be there initially for this to happen?

 

I shouldn't have wrote "nice guy" in the title of this, because now everyone is worked up about that.

Edited by paigej91
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You're right, I'm using a term that's completely subjective (like many terms in dating- take chemistry, for example). The term has come to mean something other than just being "nice". I think the term partially came about because of the stereotypical "players" who win women over, but don't possess the qualities for being a good mate. As such, the nice guys who possess these, but don't turn women on right away (or ever), are under this label.

 

But this is completely off topic- let's go back to my original question.

Well this answers your question then. You aren't attracted to anything this nice guy brings to the table.

 

Thoughts of finding someone you are head over heels with will creep in once the novelty of this nice guy wears off. You're gonna get eventually bored of this guy: "I should be feeling over the moon, am I settling? Should I break it off and find that person that brings me butterflies?".

 

Exit now, wait til you're bored then exit, or build a new relationship in hopes that you will eventually end up being crazy about this guy.

 

That's kind of what you have to decide.

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What needs to be there initially for this to happen?

 

This is very difficult to say and depends on the individual. I think, ultimately, it depends on how high of a priority physical attributes are to you. If too high, his lack of attractiveness will bother you indefinitely and the relationship in constant imbalance.

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Looks like our hydra showed up overnight and disrupted things a bit and I cleaned up those responses so about 10 posts disappeared. Please continue!

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regine_phalange

If you truly like him as a person, then be his friend, and let him know that you have friendly feelings towards him (which seems to be the truth, right?). Don't push yourself if you are not attracted to him physically. You can even set him up with a friend of yours.

 

I have found myself being attracted to people who were not globally good looking (I dont care about this anyway), but I liked the way their personality made them look/appear/carry himself. The attraction was related to personality, sure, but it appeared on the outside and made me attracted. Don't underestimate the value of physical attraction, it can't be rationalized.

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I agree with Grumpy. Niceness isn't the issue here. This guy seems to be boring to you, OP. Being genuinely nice is great and the guy should NOT ditch that part of himself. But the term "nice guy" when used in the OP's context is code for things like "dull" and "no balls".

 

The OP and this guy should just go their separate ways. Attraction isn't always instantaneous, but if it's not there after four dates, it's probably not meant to be. Don't settle for someone solely because he's a quality & mature person with his life together...there needs to be a spark.

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Has nothing to do with nice he simply wasnt hot enough which alot of us unattractive guys have been used to getting rejected for,if we were attractive this whole thing would be much easier.

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Any general advice?

 

One, always respect your attraction style, presuming it has provided you with healthy relationships in the past. Two, date other men.

 

In my book, this is a 'miss'. Dealt with a lot of them as a single man for nearly 20 years. He'll be OK. Good luck!

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dragon_fly_7

I think you're just not physically attracted to him and that's normal. Sometimes maybe chemistry doesn't develop until later on. I would say give it time.

 

However, if you're planning to friendzone him, don't tell him ''Oh I think you're a nice guy but let's just be friend''. Don't say ''Nice guy'' to him. It's already be associated in a very negative way and overly used. You can just be straight forward by saying you just aren't sure what you're feeling now.

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One, always respect your attraction style, presuming it has provided you with healthy relationships in the past. Two, date other men.

 

In my book, this is a 'miss'. Dealt with a lot of them as a single man for nearly 20 years. He'll be OK. Good luck!

 

I have no true long-term relationship experience, just modern day dating for long periods of time without the title. This is part of the reason I was questioning myself- I may need to change my standards. When I feel strong physical attraction and sparks right away, the guy is usually someone who makes many woman feel like that.

 

Anyway, I've made my decision. Contrary to the majority, I'm going to be blunt with him, so he won't feel led on. But I am going to wait a bit and see if things become better in that realm because it seems like they could.

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