LTRs but no "dating" experience.. Bad?

[OhThatGirl]

Hi all,

 

I had a date on Friday with a great guy I met from OLD. He's not my usual type but has a lot to offer. We got along well and had a good deal of chemistry. It was pretty obvious he hadn't been on OLD long or really tried it much. (Picked a full sit down dinner as our first meet up along with several other clues) He confirmed this when we were chatting in person and admitted that he feels a little awkward about "dating" especially from an online site. He briefly mentioned that he has a history of long term relationships (lasting longer than they should have he said) but hasn't really done a lot of dating.

 

Is this a problem? I don't think I've come across this before. He has already asked me to go fishing with his friends and/or stop by the boat club he spends weekends at. He's keeping in contact daily but not in a clingy way. Discussing things we can do in the future. Again, just seems to be signs of someone who hasn't done much casual dating and may be looking to jump right into another relationship.

 

I'm ok with wanting a relationship. Maybe not from the first date, but eventually it's what I'm looking for. But I'm concerned that if he hasn't done a lot of casual dating he will invest in something before he has a good idea of whether it's the right thing for him long-term. I don't want to get caught up in that.

 

I looked up serial monogamy but he doesn't seem to fit.. The relationships were not in rapid succession and lasted years.

 

Just wondering where to go with this. If he really feels genuinely interested in pursing something with ME I'm ok with that and may allow it to progress. But if this is just him being uncomfortable with dating and so trying to move quickly past it, I'm tempted to drag this out or encourage him to multi date so he knows for sure. (Bizarre, right? Me encouraging a guy I'm seeing/interested in to multi date?)

 

Anyone have this experience? Advice?

[StanMusial]

A.) You don't like this cat do you?

 

B.) Your hobby is inventing problems and applying them to people you barely know.

 

If it's A, just move on to the next.

 

If it's B, maybe try pottery or something of that nature.

[OhThatGirl]

A.) You don't like this cat do you?

 

B.) Your hobby is inventing problems and applying them to people you barely know.

 

If it's A, just move on to the next.

 

If it's B, maybe try pottery or something of that nature.

 

Good. Dick response but reassuring. But I think the concern may be valid. How do you spot those guys that aren't into YOU but just looking for the comfort of a long term relationship regardless of who it's with? (Guess that was a better, less wordy, way of asking my original question.)

 

I think he has good potential. It's only been one date though it was a good one.

 

I'm taking up cooking and dance classes. Let's hope it helps.

[ThatMan]

But I think the concern may be valid.

I don't think your concern is valid. You basically have to discover what sort of person he is. Some people respect themselves, know exactly what they want in life, and understand how to walk away when they're simply not interested. Simply figure out whether or not he's interested in who you are as a person - that's all.

[OhThatGirl]

I might not be understanding what he meant by not having "dating" experience then. In my mind dating is looking around, turning away from incompatible people and going for LTRs with people who are compatible as ThatMan described. I'm 100% for that.

 

I just figured by not "dating" much it meant he made LTR out of anyone he started seeing.

 

I guess I need to give it some time and see how this goes. Maybe if a few dates later I still have concerns I can ask him more about his experience. Just trying to avoid going further down the rabbit hole with someone who just wants a LTR but isn't necessarily waiting for the right person to have that with.

[Gottabestrong]

How do you spot those guys that aren't into YOU but just looking for the comfort of a long term relationship regardless of who it's with? (

 

By his behavior. If a guy is totally into you, can't get enough of you and tells you constantly that you are the woman of his dreams - before he even knows you - that's a red flag. If a guy is showing interest and wants to see you again, but does not go overboard then there is no need to worry. Especially after 1 date. Just give it time and see how he acts after date 2,3 etc.

 

Just because he does not have much experience dating does not mean he gets into a relationship with the first woman he meets.

 

Good luck!

[OhThatGirl]

By his behavior. If a guy is totally into you, can't get enough of you and tells you constantly that you are the woman of his dreams - before he even knows you - that's a red flag. If a guy is showing interest and wants to see you again, but does not go overboard then there is no need to worry. Especially after 1 date. Just give it time and see how he acts after date 2,3 etc.

 

Just because he does not have much experience dating does not mean he gets into a relationship with the first woman he meets.

 

Good luck!

 

This is helpful. I kind of figured the same. He's not really forward about the "perfect girl" thing and isn't moving very quickly emotionally.. Not clingy or needy.

 

That being said he's keeping in contact often (daily) and today asked if I would be interested joining in his Wii bowling tournament at a friends house Thursday evening. I thought this was odd but actually has the potential to be fun. (I know. It's crazy. We are both professional adults and yet sometimes it's the goofy things eh?) I'm a little weird about being tossed into a situation with his friends so soon but I guess it's a sink or swim kind of deal. I'm also pretty competitive and he got me interested with some playful trash talking.

 

He is headed out of town and will be gone all weekend so had asked about this thing on Thursday because it was one of the only chances we had to get together before next week. When I mentioned my Tuesday (tomorrow) wasn't looking bad as planned he mentioned we could use a promotional gift card he had received (and mentioned on our first date) to go to dinner at a local restaurant we've both been wanting to try.

 

Sooooo. I'm not turned off much by all the invites. But when I look at it from a numbers perspective this is 2 dinners and an invite to his friends house.. In one week?!? I really only accepted the dinner invite tomorrow because I'd like another chance to meet one on one with him before the evening with all his friends.

 

Either this guy doesn't know how to "play the game" or he is quite interested or he's running with that "can't get enough of me" red flag of guys needing a LTR.

 

If he were being sleazy, overly charming, or very emotional I'd be running in the other direction. But because he's genuinely just easy to chat with, a little awkward about the dating process, and I think the multiple dates in one week was a matter of circumstance I'm not going to let it worry me much.

[d0nnivain]

Even though I am a woman I was the guy you described. I dated a lot in college but that's a whole other world where things are causal & easy.

 

After graduation I had a 2 year relationship with the bookeepper for the restaurant where I waitressed. That ended I had a 3 year relationship with a guy from grad school. That ended I had a 10 year relationship with one of my former grad school professors. Then I dated a guy I knew from high school for 2.5 years. There were very short gaps between the end of 1 & the start of another. By the time I was ending a relationship I was done . . . not rebounding, except for maybe the last guy.

 

See the pattern: I had background on all these guys before our 1st date.

 

So now here I was in my late 30s with few single friends & no idea how to date as a grown up. I didn't know where to go or how to meet people. I could flirt but I didn't understand the next step. I was much better at being part of a couple.

 

He probably also doesn't know much about maintaining the distance. He hasn't been hurt by scores of bad dates so his defenses aren't up. He doesn't "know" to keep you at arms length so he's letting you in. I think it's genuine although possibly premature.

Edited March 18, 2014 by d0nnivain

[Secret Advisor]

Let him go. There are women out there that would give their left arm for a guy like this.

[PegNosePete]

Sheesh you're wayyyy over-thinking this. You've met him once. He is barely more than a stranger. Just go with the flow. If you liked his company and want to see him again then see him again. If not then don't. No need to plan your entire relationship after 1 date with the guy.

[Gaeta]

My real concern would be how long he's been single? That is more important than his dating-relationship style.

[GravityMan]

I don't see a problem with his lack of casual dating experience. It's not uncommon for both men and women to have one or more LTRs under their belt while doing little if any actual "dating" in the traditional sense. Some people meet each other organically at school/work/etc., and at first they may become friends. They get to know each other naturally, click well and the attraction gradually builds. One day they just decide to get intimate out of the blue...e.g. the first minute they're studying together for a test and the next minute their lips are locked. At around that point they just "know" that they are meant to be together...thus it's pointless to go through any traditional dating.

 

I think the fact that he has significant LTR experience with women far outweighs your concerns, OP. For many women, it would probably be a bigger issue if it were the opposite (some casual dating experience but no LTRs) and he's in his late 20s or older.

[Emilia]

Some people meet each other organically at school/work/etc., and at first they may become friends. They get to know each other naturally, click well and the attraction gradually builds. One day they just decide to get intimate out of the blue...e.g. the first minute they're studying together for a test and the next minute their lips are locked. At around that point they just "know" that they are meant to be together...

Any particular movie you watched recently?

[OhThatGirl]

Well... It's looking grim for this guy.

 

We met out for dinner. He had to walk back to his car and I joined him. Waiting at his car was a little rose he had cut from his garden (adorable) and a small cooler with stuff he had prepared. He was fishing on Sunday and caught a big yellowtail and wanted me to try it. A little seared hamachi appetizer before dinner. He put it all together on a little platter and it was beautiful. He's a professional chef. Again.. Adorable. I'm thinking this is really great even if it is... Uh.. More of the same oddly forward behavior for being a second date. Whatever...

 

Dinner was great though the conversation mostly focused on food. I love great food so it wasn't a problem. I didn't feel much of a connection though... A couple times he got pretty defensive about silly things (uh.. Not having a dog?) And after dinner was done we talked for a bit longer. He shed some light on past relationships and then confirmed it. He's a serial monogamist. He used those exact words, saying this is what his friends describe him as being.

 

He has had a lot of long term and not so long term relationships. A few have been less than 6 months. He is 37. He volunteered that he has made some bad decisions in the last trying to be a "fixer" of broken women. Lived with/in a relationship with a stripper for 3 years because "she lied to me and after 2 months I was so involved I figured I could change it." Since the stripper he has been in a string of relationships one after another with the last ending a couple months ago. I essentially said this information was just confirmation of what I had assumed because of his behavior. I explained my concerns about him trying to make a relationship out of anything because he enjoys the comfort of a relationship or whether he was choosing people that are legitimately a good fit. I pointed out that him being so "involved" with a girl who he barely knew at 2 months was another huge concern as well.

 

This past date was not very great. Aside from the fact he seems to "need" a relationship to be fulfilled (I'm quite independent) I just felt there wasn't a great deal of chemistry. Maybe in his attempt to be a gentleman and move towards a relationship he's feeling (and projecting) a bit of pressure? I'm a very casual person. I have very few boundaries. I'm analytical and not all that romantic. I swear and love sarcasm. He doesn't swear. Sooooo... There's that.

 

I had previously agreed to go to his friends house for the Wii bowling tournament tomorrow. I'm still going and when I mentioned at the end of the date (nice kiss on the cheek which was appreciated) I'd see him then he was surprised I still wanted to go. Apparently I was pretty blunt about my concerns of his relationship patterns.

 

Oh well. I said I would go. I really like the conversation we have between dates as it seems more relaxed. I'm hoping that in a less "date-like" atmosphere I'll be able to see if he can really just chill out. If it's more of the same, I'm closing the door for good.

 

Think this is a decent idea? Advice?

[OhThatGirl]

damn you suck

 

Why?!?

 

It's not that I don't appreciate nice guys or nice gestures. It's really just that I'm turned off by his need to be in a relationship to be happy.

 

I want to contribute to a guy's happiness, not BE it. The fact I could tell this was an issue from the first date was alarming, no?!

 

Beyond that I'm not even sure our personalities mesh well. I'm going to give it another chance. How does any of this equal sucking? I'm being entirely upfront with him about my concerns and how I feel. It's not like I said "he called too soon for a second date, I'm going to ignore him and move on even though we had great chemistry."

[OhThatGirl]

Ah.

 

No I get it now. You're a doormat who insists there are no such thing as doormats but rather only "nice guys" and that girls should accept and adore a great deal of undeserved attention and clingy behavior instead of finding someone who is a better fit (who you will quickly label a "jerk.")

 

Please take your insight elsewhere. It's not needed in this thread.

[RedRobin]

I think you should cancel the next date. You are just dreaming up junk about this guy AND you sound a bit ungrateful. You don't have to be overwhelmed with 'lurve' to appreciate a kind gesture, you know.

 

 

In your profile, you might want to add:

 

 

"Looking for jaded man-whore who has lots of casual dating experience and little to no LTR experience who will treat me like a f*ckbuddy while we get to know each other"

 

 

I mean, if that is what you are used to and feel comfortable with that is.

 

 

As long as the guy in question isn't a monkey brancher, I don't see what you are so worried about.

 

 

(monkey brancher, for anyone who doesn't know what that is... is someone who goes straight from relationship to relationship with little to no gaps and 'dates' or explores other options while still in a relationship with the previous).

 

 

I have no patience for monkey branchers... They are cheaters, liars and lazy. Is that your concern??

[OhThatGirl]

I think you should cancel the next date. You are just dreaming up junk about this guy AND you sound a bit ungrateful. You don't have to be overwhelmed with 'lurve' to appreciate a kind gesture, you know.

 

 

In your profile, you might want to add:

 

 

"Looking for jaded man-whore who has lots of casual dating experience and little to no LTR experience who will treat me like a f*ckbuddy while we get to know each other"

 

 

I mean, if that is what you are used to and feel comfortable with that is.

 

 

As long as the guy in question isn't a monkey brancher, I don't see what you are so worried about.

 

 

(monkey brancher, for anyone who doesn't know what that is... is someone who goes straight from relationship to relationship with little to no gaps and 'dates' or explores other options while still in a relationship with the previous).

 

 

I have no patience for monkey branchers... They are cheaters, liars and lazy. Is that your concern??

 

It has very little to do with his nice gestures except for the fact I believe it highlights my bigger concern: he's a serial monogamist.

 

I certainly don't want a guy that can't commit, one that isn't interested, kind, generous, or sweet. I ALSO don't want to get involved with a guy who is so desperate to be in a relationship all the time that he isn't looking for a real connection with the RIGHT girl. The gestures seem a little ingenuine when he doesn't even know me yet.

 

See how this is legitimate and doesn't mean I'm an immature girl looking for a prick that doesn't know how to treat women?

 

I understand about the monkeybrancher thing. It's a question I have too. If I'm going to give this guy a shot (I am) then it's something I will ask a bit more about. But regardless of whether he finds the next girl before he has been relieved of the current one, the baseline problem may be the same: he isn't happy alone, he needs a relationship to make him complete/happy. Even if he isn't "monkeybranching" this underlying need to always be in a relationship would mean that he's at risk of that behavior eventually.

 

Again, I'd love to be serious with a guy that brings a flower for me. One that prepares something special before dinner because he wants me to try it.

 

But I want him to do those things because I'm a special girl that means a lot to him, once we actually know each other. Not because he's trying to nail down his next comfort relationship and does this for every girl he gets a 2nd date with.

 

I had to cancel because work ran very late (he knew this was a risk because of my schedule today.) Instead I will catch lunch with him tomorrow before he leaves town for the weekend.

 

We will see.

[RedRobin]

I'm not really sure what triggers this guy has set off in you. I don't see his behavior as being out of line at all. There is nothing wrong with doing kind gestures. Maybe he is that way all the time? Wouldn't THAT be nice for a change??

 

 

He's not pushing for sex ASAP, he's not texting/emailing/calling non stop. What's your concern again?

 

 

... I have no problems admitting that *I'm* happiest when I'm in a relationship. I was happiest when I was married. Doesn't mean I'm locking down the first guy who comes along. I'm perfectly functional outside of either of those arrangements, lol... It also means I'm not settling for casual or FWB or men who are scared shyteless about marriage.

 

 

The ones to worry about (commitmentphobes)... they generally aren't in LTR's. You might want to ask him why he never married any of these women. What I worry about are guys who want all the perks of a truly committed relationship... but who aren't committed themselves...

 

 

I do worry about monkey branchers... the ones who are so terrified of being alone that they won't break off something that isn't working, or they simply cease investing in the current relationship (while staying in it) and look for replacement while still in an existing one. That is the other end of the extreme of commitmentphobes. Both come from the same place... an unwillingness to truly invest in a relationship. One just leaves the impression of being more committed than the other.

[OhThatGirl]

I guess you may be right Red. There may be some kind of trigger. My best friend tells me today I have a history of being turned off by guys who give a decent amount of attention or affection. Might this be because my mom was never very sympathetic or affectionate? She was a great mom. She gave hugs and kisses when they were really needed, but a lot of her parenting came from education, emphasizing personal responsibility, and tough love. My dad was definitely the "umm, whatever your mom says" kind of parent.

 

Not that she was cold per say. But affectionate? Eh. Not so much.

 

Anyway.. Today he brought me lunch he had made (amazing food!!!) He met my closest coworker and our assistant. They think he's very handsome and sweet, didn't notice anything awkward about him.

 

Argh. I guess I may need to start looking at this being MY issue, not his.

 

Though I'm still curious about ALL of these relationships. Yesterday when I apologized for the late work hours and not being able to make it to his friends house he said he understood and knew that it was legitimate. He casually mentioned he's had experience with flaky girls and knew the difference. Huh? Makes me wonder if other girls also felt he was coming on a little strong and wiggled away.

 

I'm going to give this a chance. I do like our conversation. We have a lot of interests and activities in common. No immediate deal breakers. I'll just keep an eye out and ask plenty of questions as it's appropriate...

 

Maybe meanwhile I need to figure out why I have zero tolerance for emotion or affection and get into relationships centering around power struggles... Hmmmm ... Just when I think I'm all grown up and got the world and myself figured out...

 

Thank God he also brought cupcakes. I need one.

Edited March 22, 2014 by OhThatGirl

[RedRobin]

I guess you may be right Red. There may be some kind of trigger. My best friend tells me today I have a history of being turned off by guys who give a decent amount of attention or affection. Might this be because my mom was never very sympathetic or affectionate? She was a great mom. She gave hugs and kisses when they were really needed, but a lot of her parenting came from education, emphasizing personal responsibility, and tough love. My dad was definitely the "umm, whatever your mom says" kind of parent.

 

Not that she was cold per say. But affectionate? Eh. Not so much.

 

Anyway.. Today he brought me lunch he had made (amazing food!!!) He met my closest coworker and our assistant. They think he's very handsome and sweet, didn't notice anything awkward about him.

 

Argh. I guess I may need to start looking at this being MY issue, not his.

 

Though I'm still curious about ALL of these relationships. Yesterday when I apologized for the late work hours and not being able to make it to his friends house he said he understood and knew that it was legitimate. He casually mentioned he's had experience with flaky girls and knew the difference. Huh? Makes me wonder if other girls also felt he was coming on a little strong and wiggled away.

 

I'm going to give this a chance. I do like our conversation. We have a lot of interests and activities in common. No immediate deal breakers. I'll just keep an eye out and ask plenty of questions as it's appropriate...

 

Maybe meanwhile I need to figure out why I have zero tolerance for emotion or affection and get into relationships centering around power struggles... Hmmmm ... Just when I think I'm all grown up and got the world and myself figured out...

 

Thank God he also brought cupcakes. I need one.

 

 

Sounds like a good start We all bring a little baggage to a new situation. That's why its important to try and take a little time to get to know people.

 

 

It sounds like he's giving you space to figure that out. Good luck!