Jlp43 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Hi everyone, I'm very new to this site, so I hope it's ok to post a thread straight away. I have introduced myself in the "introducing myself" thread, and I'd love to make friends on here, and help bounce ideas off each other, and support each other . Ok, here is my current story, and I apologise, because it's a long one! I moved to Sweden almost 4 years ago, from the UK. I moved with my then 10 year old son, to live with my (wonderful, I thought!), Swedish boyfriend. However, my son has behaviour problems, and my partner just could not handle it. Long story short, he has treated us appallingly, been unsympathetic, downright cruel, and indeed violent (on many occasions). I've tried getting help from women's organisations, and the social services, both of whom were useless. He has never taken any interest in our relationship since I moved here to be with him-for instance, preferring to spend all his free time on the sofa, playing with his phone, while I sat there crying with frustration because he never conversed with me or took me out (that's how it started). Recently, he called me fat, and he even said "You're not my girlfriend, you're just somebody who I let live here" (he has always cleverly avoided putting my name on the apartment paperwork). There is zero left between us, and I am done with making all the effort that he never did... I am only still living with this jerk because I'm a foreigner who has struggled with the language (he refused to help me because he couldn't be bothered), and I only recently found a job, and therefore started earning my own money. My plan now is to get an aprtment for me and my son ASAP, but they are like gold dust here. Ok, that's the background! Here is the current situation! I have indeed started looking to meet someone else. You might think that's not wise while I am still "with" the jerk. Maybe not. But the reason I am doing so, is because I am a kind-hearted, loving person, and I have had my fill of being without love and affection, and someone who cares for me. It's driven me crazy with loneliness! So I admit-yes, I am cheating on him now, because I've registered on dating sites. I have never been the type to cheat, but it's interesting, that NOT ONE of my friends has condemned me for this, or said I am doing the wrong thing. Every one of them (without exception), has said along the lines of "Well it would be a bad thing if your partner treated you well, but he doesn't, so I am happy that you're trying to find somebody nice". So I have met one guy so far from the dating site. He is a self-employed truck driver, who works insane hours, and drives several times a week, to Norway from Sweden. So his time is scarce, but what attracted me was the lovely, sincere-sounding profile on the dating site about how he is looking for a partner. Initially when we got in contact with each other, his subscription to the site was about to run out, so he hurriedly got my phone number, and sent me a couple of pictures of himself (which I had asked him to do). I didn't immediately feel an attraction, so I very honestly said this straight out, and I apologised.. I figured that would be that. However, he came back with a really sweet reply, and said "You don't have to be sorry about that. Maybe you have a nice friend for me"...which made me laugh, and we continued our conversation. And what do you know...an attraction grew from my side (he already had an attraction for me). We were messaging back and forth, but I let him take the lead as far as phonecalls and so on. So far in the say, one month and a bit that we have been in contact, he has called me fairly regularly, and probably more than my "partner" ever has in five years of being with him. In fact I know that that is the case, because I totted up the time we have spent on the phone together (in hours), and it's around double figures now. The first date went great. We met for coffee, and the chemistry was obvious. I think 10 minutes after meeting him, he was feeding me bits of lettuce from his sandwich, and it didn't feel wrong. He touched my hand, he touched my hair, and we ended with a kiss. Pretty much perfect. I did get a bit of a red flag at one point, because he said "I know that if we don't get together, we are going to be great friends"..and I thought that was maybe the brush-off...so I replied (in a jokey manner) "Aha, no second date then!"...and he was quick to point out that he would indeed like to see me again, and see where it goes . He just meant that we obviously had a good rapport. I think because we both aren't fantastic at each other's languages, sometimes there can be a bit of miscommunication... That was one week ago today, and he hasn't been able to meet me again yet. I told him I am ok with the fact that he is a busy, self-employed guy (he is always apologetic when we haven't found a date to meet again, or he doesn't text me back for a long time because he is driving), but that I hoped if he ever changed his mind about wanting to meet me again, that he would tell me. Just as I would tell him. Incidentally, he says he loves it when I text him, even if he doesn't have time to reply..but of course I don't want to be a pest, so I make sure that I don't do it LOADS, and I sometimes take a while to answer messages myself (think they call it mirroring?). The one time that I left it a whole day before I replied to a morning text from him, he noticed, and commented on it ("I texted you this morning, but you've been so quiet"). The last thing I want, is to be taken to be a little lap dog who never leaves him alone-even though I like him heaps! He calls me "Baby" on the phone, and it's very warm and nice (the phonecalls always feel nice), and he consistently says that he is looking forward to seeing me again. We just don't know when that will be! Now, because I don't want to put all my eggs in one basket until I know where this is going, I am continuing to chat to other guys on the dating site. Indeed, I met one on Saturday night, and we had a nice date. When my current "beau" (for want of a better word), called me on Sunday, and asked how my weekend had been, I told him that I had met up with a friend and we'd had some wine and watched a little tv. I did not tell him it was a date, mainly because I felt a bit awkward, and I was worried he would be offended. It's just such a grey area, in this first, "limbo" stage! He said something like "So you and your friend just had some wine and hung out?"....but his tone made me think that perhaps he suspected (or was worried) that the friend was a guy (which it was). He didn't ask anything outright though. I suppose my question is: What kind of vibe do you guys get from reading my story (and again, I am sorry it's so long!!). Do you think it is worth my while, waiting to see where it goes, see how the second date pans out (or even if it happens!)...or do you get a red flag from any of this, and think he might just be a time-waster, who just likes the idea of a relationship, and doesn't want to make it real? Apart from the lack of a second date yet, it's been very nice. I especially like it when he calls me after the end of a huge drive to another country, and he sounds so tired, as if he is about to fall asleep right that second...but still, he called me and asked how my day was. Any advice or insight will be most gratefully received! And I truly hope that nobody thinks I am out to treat anyone badly. I think this guy is great, and would love it to progress. And as far as my so-called partner goes, it's way past being fixable. Kind regards to all, Julie Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I say break up with your current bf and move out.... then get involved with this guy (or someone else). Whether your friends have condemned you or not, many people are not of the belief that two wrongs make a right. Do you know that your new "beau" will accept your infidelity and not see it as an omen for his future with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jlp43 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 @Dr Eliot: Thanks so much for your reply. I guess maybe I didn't word it very well! It's not so much a case of "Is he boyfriend potential?", but "Is he MY potential boyfriend?". Sorry that I didn't word it great. Link to post Share on other sites
Jethro Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 No one can answer that question for you... you seem to like him. If you are not self-aware enough to know for yourself, maybe you aren't ready for a relationship? My only advice is to take it one step at a time and have fun while you do so. It's a fluid situation, so things may change. Link to post Share on other sites
AnaisRose Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 This guy does sound good. However, one little thing, has he asked you to be his girlfriend or actually mentioned wanting to be in a relationship with you, or at all? I've encountered guys like him before who act like boyfriends but still never want to make it official and start backing off saying how they aren't "ready". So I can understand your concern and not wanting to place your eggs all in one basket. Either way whether or not the new guy is right for you, it sounds like you may wish to consider dumping the jerk.. Two wrongs doesn't make a right and it is essentially cheating--if you are supposed to be committed tot he jerk. If it's just dating ,you aren't doing anything wrong by keeping him around. Link to post Share on other sites
Copelandsanity Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 This is an awful lot of analysis after one date. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jlp43 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Yes I guess it is. But it kind of feels like longer because we hit it off from the first contact, which was more than a month ago now. We have both said that it feels like we have known each other for a long time... Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Does he know about your domestic situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jlp43 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Yes he does. I have been 100% honest with him. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Oh, OP...I really feel you're playing with fire. I know how difficult it can be, because I live in a foreign country too. I know what it's like to feel dependent on someone when you're so far from home, and in a place where your circumstances aren't black and white. I really do get that. However...What do you think will happen when this man you're living with finds out? You do need to consider this a real possibility, because you probably won't be able to hide it as well as you hope. Will he kick you out? Leave you essentially homeless? I would not become actively involved with anyone until you are 100% free and clear and single. There's too much at risk, especially given that you have a child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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