Question about the friendzone

[RockGuy87]

Ok so me and this girl have known each other for a year and been friends/ past coworkers. We both recently became single so we started texting and decided to hangout. We hungout 4 days in a row together and the 1st 3 we spent the night together.

 

All of the nights we were flirtatious and there was lots of touching. Initiated by both of us. The 1st and 2nd night we had sex. After the 1st she brought up how it was unexpected and I agreed but we both agreed it wasnt regretted and then like I said we ended up doing it again the 2nd. The 3rd and 4th night went well and still tons of touching and flirting.

 

I feel like I let it go too fast and get emotional too quickly and now feel her back pedaling. She left Wed. for vacation and we have been texting pretty much constantly. We even talked on the phone for awhile one night (I didnt want to bother her time with her family so tried to keep it to text). She would joke about missing me and she even said she wishes she could have brought me along. But the past few days she has started to act weird. She still intiates contact but it has a "friend" tone to a lot of it. My ex tried contacting me this week and she told me she wanted to know what had happened and she was persistent so I told her. (Ex tried to crawl back and apologize but I ignored) She replied with things like "It will work out for you" "Youll meet someone". I was like wtf?!?! I will point out I got the friend vibe before this so I dont think that was it.

 

The question is do I just stop answering her texts?

Do I say something telling her Im not really looking for just a female friend right now?

Or do I just keep doing what im doing since it has only been a week and let it play out?

 

She has said numerous "friendzone" things and she is still initiating texts like today her texting me between flights. I really hit it off with her and we laughed like crazy and she always was reaching out for my hand and touching so I know at one point she was also. I did ask her after she had left if she knew exactly this was that we were doing and she said she didnt know and I admit it was probably to early for that.

 

Thanks guys any advice or any examples of what I should say/do are appreciated.

[RockGuy87]

I will add that I havent responded to her past few texts. She let me know she was getting on a plane and would text me when she landed. I didnt say anything. Then she texted me saying that she had made it and was waiting for her next connecting flight. Still didnt answer.

[sunoco]

Shes looking for reassurance. Probably feels that you will go back to the ex, so she is just feeling you out. Be honest with her, if you are or not going back to ex. She seems like you guys will still be friends if you go back to the ex. If not, then let her know you want to/or not pursue this thing you guys have going on. Don't ignore her texts, it only puts all kinds of things in her head- not good ones im sure..

[RockGuy87]

I could see that. Thanks for the reply. But what about her acting that way even before knowing my ex was texting me?

[sunoco]

I could see that. Thanks for the reply. But what about her acting that way even before knowing my ex was texting me?

 

Maybe has feelings for you and gut was urging her

[RockGuy87]

What do you mean?

[Lansing]

Maybe she just wants a "friends with benefits" situation.

[RockGuy87]

She got back into town an hour or so ago and texted to let me know. She made a comment about her legs hurting and said "you should come massage them". Eh like yes sure id love to go over there but do I really want to when she is making the calls? I dont want her to think Ill jump at the second to come see her

[Assasda]

She got back into town an hour or so ago and texted to let me know. She made a comment about her legs hurting and said "you should come massage them". Eh like yes sure id love to go over there but do I really want to when she is making the calls? I dont want her to think Ill jump at the second to come see her

 

So dont JUMP at the second. Say something like "I need a massage first".

- I think you did make a mistake when - ""I did ask her after she had left if she knew exactly this was that we were doing and she said she didnt know and I admit it was probably to early for that.""

 

-How can you make this work for you? Do nothing. Have fun, and dont ask dumb questions. Sounds like you guys are having fun already.

 

Good luck

[RockGuy87]

Ok so any time she is trying to text and Im keeping it simple and then tell her I have to go or Ill say something like "Ok well good talking to you. Have a good night." She always replies with things like "wait what", "why", or she will just be like "ok....". Any thoughts?

[RockGuy87]

We got on the subject of meeting up again since she is back from vacation and she said "We can whenever you want. Im off at 9 today and you can come over then or whatever lol"

 

Advice?

[Assasda]

I agree with Dr. Elliot.

You dont need any help man. Just keep on having fun, and trust your instincts,. just one thing though. Dont be a doormat

[RockGuy87]

Well I just saw she posted on Instagram a "man crush Monday" of some dude she has been crushing on. They have gone out a few times but haven't ever hooked up and she was talking about how he's a handsome man and she's lucky. Like wtf?!? Yea I ain't going over there and honestly don't think I'll even text her to tell her I'm not. Just go straight up NC I guess. What a joke.

 

Or do I still go and see what happens? If there's a way I can play it to my advantage and not just be someone filling her time but I guess technically if she is going to be like that she is doing the same for me.

Edited March 10, 2014 by RockGuy87

[Assasda]

Dude, why are you becoming jealous over some girl that you're not with.

Get a hold of your damn self.

 

So she thinks some other dude is hot. So what. I know you think other girls are hot.

You should go over and see her, and do not mention anything about that other guy. It doesnt faze you, because she's not yours. So stop being hurt.

 

 

Dont text her stuff like "How are you doing today?" like you're her gay best friend. Just text her when you wanna have fun. Whether that is having fun sexually, or platonically. LET HER DECIDE.

 

And by the way. See other women. But keep her close

[RockGuy87]

Well I took you guys advice. I went last night. I caught her off guard cause I was kinda being a jerk to her but all in a subtle way that I could actually tell she liked. I kept my cool and it's wasn't but 5 mins in she was laying her head on me and grabbing on me. There's something different this time also. She kept staring at me. Like I'd look over and she'd be just starting or she would lay her head on my neck and then lift up and just kinda stare and I'd ask her "what?" And she would just say "nothing" and kinda smile. Fast forward and after her laying all over me she pulled me to lay on her where she ran her hands through my hair and down my back and then I went in for the kiss and we went after it. Didn't have sex yet but went at it. It wasn't until later into the night that we finally did have sex again though. She also did something else different this time. More than just us making out she would go out of her way to turn and just kiss me on the cheek randomly or she would grab my hand to hold hands and she would pull my hand up and kiss it. Both are things she hadn't done prior.

 

We ended up staying all the way till about 7 this morning and then I left and went on my way.

 

Thanks for the advice. I won't bring this other dude up at all since that's what you guys advise but I just don't wanna become her second choice but I can't get mad at her for using me when at the same time I guess I'm kinda doing the same to her.

 

But keep the advice coming and I'll keep you guys updated.

[Bruce Leigh]

Keep your guard up for now because of this other guy. But dont be surprised if you end up empty handed.

See it for what it is right now, casual enjoyment.

If deeper feelings appear further down the road so be it. Until then..................

[RockGuy87]

I think that's the hard part. Is trying to not let other **** get invested. It would be one thing if we were meeting up just for sex and that was it. But it's the other stuff that happens when we aren't having sex that gets me. The flirting and all the other gestures that she does like I've explained earlier.

 

Question. What do I look out for as signs to know I'm becoming the door may and when is the time for me to cut and run?

[Michael91]

I have highlighted your big mistakes in bold. There are a few others but these are the major ones.

 

*If you feel like you moved too fast and got emotional too quickly and now she is now back pedaling, then you probably did move too fast. Getting too emotional with her after sex, sending her cheesy good morning texts etc are things that you should NOT do.

 

*You should never be texting with a girl constantly. That is a BIG NO-NO. You should avoid that at ALL costs. You should reserve texting for only asking out. That's it. Nothing more. Any other discussion should just be about setting up the logistics of the date. Once you've done that, drop the phone and don't answer another text. Go watch paint dry or grass grow if you can't resist the urge.

 

*Even if she is going to another country or planet, do not text her. If she texts to ask about your day, say it was good. Ask about hers, she will say it was good. Keep it at that. Nothing more. You know what they say, familiarity breeds contempt. "Texting constantly" will not only breed contempt but kill any mystery she has about you. You always want to have an aura of mystery.

 

*You should NEVER, EVER ask a girl "so what is this we are doing or what do you see us as or do you see us going anywhere"? NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. She is a woman. YOU ARE THE MAN. You lead. She follows. Not the other way around. Where do YOU see this going? That is where she is going too. It is not "us", it is "YOU". Women are the gatekeepers of sex but men are the gatekeepers of commitment, relationship and courtship.

 

*Never, ever ask a girl for validation or suggestion or confirmation of where she sees the relationship. When a woman wants to move forward with you, you will know. She will make it obvious. She will want you all to herself. Pushing it on her or asking her for confirmation will only push her away. She'll start to think to herself "Hmmm...he seems a bit needy. Maybe he's not as much of a man as I thought he was. Besides, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship anyway".

 

*Asking for confirmation or validation indicates a man with no options. Any woman will be able to smell it on you from a mile away. A man with options is not worried about "where the relationship is going" and any woman will detect this and want to keep him exclusively to themselves as soon as possible. If there is anything that women hate, it is other women. You have to always make sure you have options. That way, when one woman is misbehaving, you have a plethora of choices to move to.

 

And please, stop listening to that woman above telling you to tell her about your ex. Are you trying to guarantee that this girl never gives you sex again? The last person you want to be taking advice from about dating women is a woman. [That's very true and never read a book written by a women about how to treat and date women unless you plan on doing the opposite because everything in the book will be wrong.]

 

So what does the doctor recommend?

 

My prescription:

 

- cut your texting back. Keep your texting to a bare minimum. Don't initiate unless it is to set up a date.

 

- stop seeing her too frequently. Keep it to one date a week unless you're inviting her over for carnal pleasures.

 

- get other options and keep your options open. Avoid one-itis with women unless you want a one way ticket to heartbreak island.

 

Very good advice and I can't improve on it. My thought was, Why are you pushing things so fast and so strong and why do you keep pestering her without giving her some time and space?

[RockGuy87]

I guess I was pushing things because I have to admit Ive never came across a girl like this one. What I mean by that is, if its just about wasting time and sex then thats all it stays. But with this one she is doing other things that she clearly goes out of her way to do. When if she is so crazy about this one dude, normally from past experience, wouldnt even happen with someone else (me).

 

Maybe its just me but if Im into someone I either dont sleep with other girls at all or thats all I would do with them. Wouldnt go out of my way to go above and beyond with more if I was actually already getting what I wanted out of that person.

[RockGuy87]

I'm still having trouble with not getting jealous of this other dude. The advice here has really helped and yes she is not mine so it's not because of that. It's just how else am I suppose to feel when here we are doing whatever the hell we are doing and that's what she can't stop thinking about or still wants so badly. Idk their whole situation but I know he doesn't live close to us so she usually only saw him once like every other weekend.

 

I'm having a blast and all of this finally helped me get passed some issues with my ex. I don't even know at this point if I would want anything like a relationship out of this. It's just a little hard to swallow the way she's so dreamy over some other dude who obviously doesn't have the time for her.

[Hello_is_it_me]

Oh man... You need to distract yourself because you are over-thinking and stressing about nothing. Maybe she does like the other guy more than you. Maybe she's just using you as filler. Maybe she really likes you and sees it going somewhere. Who freaking knows at this point.

 

Getting jealous over another guy when you're not even official with the girl is weird, man. I recommend emotionally detaching (which I doubt you'll be able to do) and banging away and showing her how cool of a person you are. If things turn out, they do. If not, move on. But not something to stress so much over.

[Allumere]

Why don't you do something classy like, i don't know, take her on a real date? Sorry, hook ups and screwing may pass the time but go nowhere in the long run to building a relationship. That isn't a bash, that is just reality. If you want a relationship then treat it like one, otherwise this isn't going to go anywhere.