babycakees Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Just for future reference, if a guy tells you he's never had a serious relationship before (and he's close to 30), would you see this as a red flag? The guy I'm referring to here blamed it on all the other girls he always tried dating in the past. Saying the were crazy or they always went back to their exes. I call BS. I think if a guy says this, they may actually be afraid of commitment. Your thoughts? All opinions are welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I never used to, but now I would. My last two serious exes were mid-20s with no serious relationships before me. Both of them bailed once things got a little tough (one after two years, one after 5 months). I think they weren't quite aware of the level of closeness, commitment and intimacy a romantic relationship requires, and both realised almost overnight that they would be better off alone. I wouldn't go near a guy who hadn't had at least one serious (1 year plus) relationship under their belt now. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I got my first real girlfriend at 31. Up until her no other girls were willing to give me a chance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AnyaNova Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Just for future reference, if a guy tells you he's never had a serious relationship before (and he's close to 30), would you see this as a red flag? The guy I'm referring to here blamed it on all the other girls he always tried dating in the past. Saying the were crazy or they always went back to their exes. I call BS. I think if a guy says this, they may actually be afraid of commitment. Your thoughts? All opinions are welcome! Well the 32 year old guy who said that to me basically ended up breaking my heart in a really bizarre way that I don't think I'll ever be able to understand truly. I would definitely think carefully and ask a lot and a lot more questions. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 The red flag IMO would be his style of communication, as well as his apparent perspective regarding the past, rather than the content of the past relationships. Things didn't work out; he's here now in the present, enjoying it and looking forward to the future. He could look at it that way. He has choices. If his choices line up with yours, then you may find yourselves in each other's future. If not, not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 This is a tricky one x my best friend (male & the most loyal & lovely person u will meet) only started his first LTR last year (he's 33) his partner is pregnant now & due any day they are both very happy x he had a couple of short term things before but basically picked the wrong girls so I would just see how things go but take it slow x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WP4046 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I never used to, but now I would. My last two serious exes were mid-20s with no serious relationships before me. Both of them bailed once things got a little tough (one after two years, one after 5 months). I think they weren't quite aware of the level of closeness, commitment and intimacy a romantic relationship requires, and both realised almost overnight that they would be better off alone. I wouldn't go near a guy who hadn't had at least one serious (1 year plus) relationship under their belt now. The level of closeness? together everyday? Link to post Share on other sites
WP4046 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I got my first real girlfriend at 31. Up until her no other girls were willing to give me a chance. The OP sounds like an employer not willing to give an inexperienced guy a chance 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Orangecrush55 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I agree with what some have said. Its not really that him not being in a committed relationship as the red flag but more so that he blamed all of it on the girls. Theres no way he didn't have any impact on any of those however it may have been. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 The level of closeness? together everyday? With the 2 year guy we were living together yes but far from clingy with one another, he would go on little holidays alone, I had loads on with work and volunteering, and the 5 month guy no, maybe three times a week? I mean more, emotional closeness. Sharing so much with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 I agree with what some have said. Its not really that him not being in a committed relationship as the red flag but more so that he blamed all of it on the girls. Theres no way he didn't have any impact on any of those however it may have been. You have no way of know if it's his fault or the girls. A lot of girls are really pick with guys and some guys just fall through the cracks. Some guys just never figure out how women work because nobody gave them a chance to learn. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoonMyFriend Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I wouldn't see it as a red flag, but I'd be a little cautious. There are so many reasons why people don't seriously date until later in their 20s, and so it's really going to come down to the individual. Did he just have a run of bad luck with terrible girlfriends? Is he afraid of commitment? Did he decide to be a "playboy" and now wants to settle down? Or did no one just give him the time of day and he's actually a great guy? We all have baggage, just gotta figure out if it's the kind of baggage that you can deal with in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 The guy I'm referring to here blamed it on all the other girls he always tried dating in the past. Saying the were crazy or they always went back to their exes. This bit is a red flag, not the lack of Rs. People with some maturity and introspection don't blame EVERYTHING on exes. Or even if they feel it was an ex's fault, they talk about what they learnt from it, not pointless/mindless trashing of the ex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosopher Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 There are multiple reasons why someone whom is almost 30 has not had a serious relationship. They could be really picky, afraid of commitment, rubbish at attracting women or just plain unlucky. There are no doubt others reasons I have not thought of. I would try to get to know him a bit better and find exactly why he has not had a serious relationship. Then you may be better able to judge whether the girls he dated in the past really were crazy or whether he is just using that as an excuse to cover up something about him he doesn't want to tell you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Just for future reference, if a guy tells you he's never had a serious relationship before (and he's close to 30), would you see this as a red flag? The guy I'm referring to here blamed it on all the other girls he always tried dating in the past. Saying the were crazy or they always went back to their exes. I call BS. I think if a guy says this, they may actually be afraid of commitment. Your thoughts? All opinions are welcome! Honestly, OP? In my experience, the people who say this are very often completely unaware (of simply in denial) of how their own crappy behaviour contributed to the break-up. This (to me) indicates a lack of self-awareness and a tendency to blame-shift when the going gets tough. So, considering this, I'd say it's a red-flag. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marks Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 It's quite possible that his exes were indeed a little crazy...who knows really. He may have had bad luck with picking the wrong girls. But it could also be that he's shifting blame, perhaps not being aware of his own shortcomings. You won't know until you get to know him better. I do think it's a little unfair to say that you shouldn't date someone who hasn't had a serious relationship by 30. I'm getting closer and closer to 30 as well, and haven't been in a serious relationship either. But that's more due to me having a hard time approaching girls, and the girls I did end up approaching not being the right match for me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Conners Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Just for future reference, if a guy tells you he's never had a serious relationship before (and he's close to 30), would you see this as a red flag? The guy I'm referring to here blamed it on all the other girls he always tried dating in the past. Saying the were crazy or they always went back to their exes. I call BS. I think if a guy says this, they may actually be afraid of commitment. Your thoughts? All opinions are welcome! All based on their experience with women.. for example if they are on the shy side..I would be ok with it. If they had been through ALOT of women then I would think it's a red flag and definite commitment issues. My ex had been with 25+ girls before me (yuck) and his longest relationship was 6 months. He was only 19 but STILL. If I had known that from the beginning it would of probably put me off him for good. I ended up being his longest relationship and the first girl he loved but on the other hand I could tell that he needed to learn how to be in a proper relationship. I think it would be a risk to date someone like that.. there's a good chance of getting burned. Especially if they are close to 30. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 All based on their experience with women.. for example if they are on the shy side..I would be ok with it. If they had been through ALOT of women then I would think it's a red flag and definite commitment issues. My ex had been with 25+ girls before me (yuck) and his longest relationship was 6 months. He was only 19 but STILL. If I had known that from the beginning it would of probably put me off him for good. I ended up being his longest relationship and the first girl he loved but on the other hand I could tell that he needed to learn how to be in a proper relationship. I think it would be a risk to date someone like that.. there's a good chance of getting burned. Especially if they are close to 30. Yeah there is a huge difference between a guy who has slept with a lot of women and never had a serious relationship vs a guy who has slept with very few, if any women and never had a serious relationship. I'd say the former is much more of a red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babycakees Posted March 9, 2014 Author Share Posted March 9, 2014 (edited) All based on their experience with women.. for example if they are on the shy side..I would be ok with it. If they had been through ALOT of women then I would think it's a red flag and definite commitment issues. My ex had been with 25+ girls before me (yuck) and his longest relationship was 6 months. He was only 19 but STILL. If I had known that from the beginning it would of probably put me off him for good. I ended up being his longest relationship and the first girl he loved but on the other hand I could tell that he needed to learn how to be in a proper relationship. I think it would be a risk to date someone like that.. there's a good chance of getting burned. Especially if they are close to 30. Just wanted to say that this is a guy I did spend some time getting to know. We no longer hang on a count of, believe it or not, he pulled a fade away on me. I got to know this guy and I definitely think there are commitment issues here. He has been with a lot of women and believes that they were all either crazy or left him for their ex. He's not being completely fair in admitting any fault especially when I genuinely really, really liked this guy and he vanished on me. We hung out for about 3 months (spent quite a bit of time together too). You could honestly say I may have been completely smitten with him, but he disappeared and I guess I now understand why he's never had a serious relationship. When things get too real for him, he dips out. Btw, I have dated guys in the past who had never had a serious relationship. My last ex of 4 years hadn't had one either and we dated...well, 4 years. So...it's not me being bias in any way. Edited March 9, 2014 by babycakees Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 There is only one person that's been in every crazy relationship of his -- him! You have to take that seriously. I just had a friend who heard something similar from a 'perfect guy' she had a crush on for years. She never saw him in a relationship, he'd go out with someone for a bit and that would be it. Big mystery. We had this complicated childhood imagined, must be the problem! She finally thought she was getting her heart's desire and -- he had a 2" penis. That's the least painful version of that kind of story I've heard. At any rate, anyone who thinks they're the special one that is going to change a lifelong pattern in someone else is ignoring all the dead bodies on the way to their meeting with the Godfather. Link to post Share on other sites
fortyninethousand322 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Just for future reference, if a guy tells you he's never had a serious relationship before (and he's close to 30), would you see this as a red flag? The guy I'm referring to here blamed it on all the other girls he always tried dating in the past. Saying the were crazy or they always went back to their exes. I call BS. I think if a guy says this, they may actually be afraid of commitment. Your thoughts? All opinions are welcome! Well, I mean I'm a guy, but here's my advice: If a guy has never had a serious relationship because he's spent his younger years fooling around, hooking up, having FWBs, curing cancer, or something along those lines, it's not a red flag. If he's never had a serious relationship because he's just not good at getting dates and making women interested in him, it's a huge red flag. For so many reasons I won't even get into right now... Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Yes - it's a huge red flag. Most commonly you will find those guys saying "I am yet to meet a woman that blows me away". That's such a commitment phobe comment. It suggests a number of things: they are looking for a "dream girl" - an unrealistic concept and they are usually unable to deal with the flaws of a real person. They also use it as a way to justify it to themselves. They fully beleive their own delusion. Another thing those guys say: "all women I dated were crazy". Well, there is something about you that keeps attracting these women. Often, these guys will be sweet talkers, come on strong and lead the women on. Then when they fall for it and expect commitment guys will get out and if the woman is miffed; she will be labelled as "crazy" or a "stalker". The stalker label also boosts the man's ego so he is essentially killing 2 birds with one stone. All the while remaining totally blind to his own issues. Bar some very exceptional circumstances; I wouldn't go there. I also ask "when was your last serious relationship?" within 2 dates. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 You closed minded women are so ridiculously picky and have such hatred for guys who struggle. I hope you go without any relationships or sex for at least a decade! Then you'll see how I feel. My last relationship was never because of rejections. Next time one of you ask me that I'll tell you to go **** yourself. You'll reject me either way but I'll at least make it miserable for you. There are some good reasons for it being a red flag, but lots of guys that are not red flag material will get swept up in this female deal-breaker dating rule Lots will reject the shy non player type not because of any inherent relationship risk but simply because they now consider the guy has low value in the dating market or will be desperate to get with any girl and then those guys are in a catch 22. You could try the promiscuous girl's approach. Get coy when you get quizzed about your past partners, say you had your share of fun & drama, and the past is the past and lets just focus on the future type of answer...and fill in some of the blanks with a bit of exaggeration. What you got to lose...another rejection. Link to post Share on other sites
FrostBlaze Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 (edited) I think about this everyday, i am getting old and with no experience under my belt it is allready pretty hard, soon it will seem rather impossible for me to get someone when they act like this. They don't give unexperienced people a chance, the older they are the worse so that's a bummer for me. I will probably hit 30 and not have a LTR. In my life i've only had 3 women, as in a relationship. 8th Grade, she left for another country, High-school she left for another guy + left country. 8 year brake Comes 3rd girl and the first i ever felt something for, only lasted 3 months. Because i was a "rebound" it seems and she went back to her ex + left country, still keeps in touch with me and strings me along, check other topics ^^. It's funny how they all left country...and for the SAME COUNTRY Too, xD bahaha. It's like history repeating itself, but slightly different. OH and also as we talked post BU, she pretty much admited to not liking me because i lacked experience, and i ws "nervous" and less "agressive" compared to her other BF's that she had. I wanted to see why i failed so she told me a few. I just had bad luck with girls that made me not want to try, and had other "priorities" than dating, i have barely considered to start some month's ago. (age 24) Could be a red flag, could just be unlucky :\. Edited March 9, 2014 by FrostBlaze Link to post Share on other sites
FrostBlaze Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I hope you go at least a decade without any relationships or any sex! You'll get to feel like how I feel because every single woman rejects me. Everybody with their own opinion, you can't make everyone think the same, as much as i might hate some people's comments on this thread as they throw blind acusations there is no need to be so spitefull. You seem to be one of those "good guy's", but you aren't >_>. Link to post Share on other sites
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