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Boyfriend hates PDAs and this hurts sometimes?


Sweeetie

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Hi all,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months and things are generally great. He is super caring and we are very much in love. There are a few differences between us as is the case with all couples, but one difference does bother me and that is the fact that he is not a fan of being affectionate in public whereas I am. When we are alone inside his house he is very affectionate and touchy-feely since it's just us. This and many other things he does prove that he does love me very much, I have no doubt about that. It just really annoys me how he acts so different when we are out or with others.

 

If I go to kiss his cheek in public, he moves his head away. This not only hurts but is humiliating for me. He also doesn't like kissing me in front of people. He considers it impolite to other people, but he sacrifices my feelings while doing this. I am not asking him for a French kiss in public, I just ask that he doesn't move his ahead away when I reach to peck him on the cheek! Even when we went on holiday together last Christmas it was like this.

 

I learnt to accept his dislike of PDAs over the past 5 months but last Friday there came a situation which made me feel particularly sad about it. We were at a get-together at his best friend's house. There were 6 people there in total composed of 3 different couples: his best friend and his new girlfriend, my boyfriend and me, and another friend with his new girlfriend. Whereas the other two guys there were kissing and being very affectionate towards their new girlfriends, my boyfriend was keeping distance from me, holding my hand as a maximum. Afterwards when I asked him about this he said that he considered it 'inappropriate' to kiss at a friends' meetup- even though this was not 'in public' as such :rolleyes:

 

What should I do about it? I have tried talking to my boyfriend on different occasions but it looks like this aspect of him just can't change.

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Honestly, it annoys/amuses me when couples do entire makeout sessions in public, so I suppose I am a bit of a prude, like your boyfriend. I'd consider hand-holding, arm around shoulders/waist, hugs, normal... but full-on kissing? Ech. On the other hand, him going so far as to move his head away from a peck on the cheek does sound rather extreme...

 

I think this is just one of those incompatibilities that you either deal with, or decide you'd rather not deal with and seek someone compatible.

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I think you should just accept it. I know plenty of guys that are uncomfortable with this and they don't pull their head away as such but make a quiet comment that they are uncomfortable. I think you should respect it.

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You two just don't share the same views on this. That isn't going to change. You'll need to either accept it or move on. Everybody out there will have morals and values that differ slightly from yours in some places. It's up to you to decide which are important for compatibility and which aren't.

 

Personally I'm fine with PDA and it's unlikely I'd get involved with someone so against it, but plenty of people will see it as an acceptable difference.

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I am a PDA enthusiast. ;) Nothing "inappropriate" or anything that you don't see couples doing (decent) occasionally, in public. My gf was not used to the amount of PDA I share, but she quickly got used to it. People can change with regards to this, I think. Your bf, if game, can become more comfortable, but it will take time. Continue asking him to work on it. Other than he thinking it's inappropriate, what is the root of this discomfort?

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I've experienced it more with men that come from a conservative background, even if they aren't really that conservative themselves. Maybe this is why I'm accepting of it (even though I'm comfortable with moderate PDA and don't mind it) because I know in some societies it's not the done thing. Dunno, not everything needs to be worked on, I think some values should be respected and accepted. It's just as valid as mine.

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I've experienced it more with men that come from a conservative background, even if they aren't really that conservative themselves. Maybe this is why I'm accepting of it (even though I'm comfortable with moderate PDA and don't mind it) because I know in some societies it's not the done thing. Dunno, not everything needs to be worked on, I think some values should be respected and accepted. It's just as valid as mine.

 

I thought this as well at first, until that party I referred to. He does come from a different culture to me but so does his best friend (they grew up together in Eastern Europe then both moved over here to the UK), who wasn't inhibiting a display of affection towards his girlfriend at all. I am an insecure person as well and seeing this difference made me feel even more undesirable to my boyfriend and envious of the attention that his best friend's hot girl was getting :(

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I'm not a big PDA fan (and I am female) so this would not bother me for the most part. Pulling away when you are going to kiss his cheek seems extreme, though. Did he realise that's what you were about to do? Or was he pulling away because he thought you were going for a kiss on the lips?

 

I am inclined to say that you should talk to him and let him know that all you are after is to hold hands and occasionally kiss on the cheek (assuming this is the case) and see what he says.

 

The only deal-breaker for me would be if he was uptight about being affectionate and/or sexual when we were alone.

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I thought this as well at first, until that party I referred to. He does come from a different culture to me but so does his best friend (they grew up together in Eastern Europe then both moved over here to the UK), who wasn't inhibiting a display of affection towards his girlfriend at all. I am an insecure person as well and seeing this difference made me feel even more undesirable to my boyfriend and envious of the attention that his best friend's hot girl was getting :(

 

Just saw this.

 

So is the issue that you like PDAs and your bf doesn't, or is it that you think your bf's lack of desire for PDAs is reflection of how hot he finds you?

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You two just don't share the same views on this. That isn't going to change. You'll need to either accept it or move on. Everybody out there will have morals and values that differ slightly from yours in some places. It's up to you to decide which are important for compatibility and which aren't.

 

Personally I'm fine with PDA and it's unlikely I'd get involved with someone so against it, but plenty of people will see it as an acceptable difference.

 

I was beginning to accept it as well, but that get-together last Friday just made me aware of how it can sometimes make me feel quite down :-/ I didn't think I'd get involved with someone who hated it so much but when there are 1000 other reasons I am with him, I guess this is something that needs to be accepted..

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I'm not a big PDA fan (and I am female) so this would not bother me for the most part. Pulling away when you are going to kiss his cheek seems extreme, though. Did he realise that's what you were about to do? Or was he pulling away because he thought you were going for a kiss on the lips?

 

I am inclined to say that you should talk to him and let him know that all you are after is to hold hands and occasionally kiss on the cheek (assuming this is the case) and see what he says.

 

The only deal-breaker for me would be if he was uptight about being affectionate and/or sexual when we were alone.

 

Just saw this.

 

So is the issue that you like PDAs and your bf doesn't, or is it that you think your bf's lack of desire for PDAs is reflection of how hot he finds you?

 

I spoke to him about this 'avoiding the cheek kiss' thing after our holiday last December, he seemed to understand but it didn't change a thing. It seems he is just programmed to pull away from any sort of affection show from me when it is in public and now it has got to the point where I feel hurt. Yes I also feel like if I was some hot supermodel he would be more inclined to show people I'm his girl.

 

Is there anything I can do to make him be more accepting of PDAs? eg Tone down the kissing in private until he is more comfortable with kissing in public?

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I spoke to him about this 'avoiding the cheek kiss' thing after our holiday last December, he seemed to understand but it didn't change a thing. It seems he is just programmed to pull away from any sort of affection show from me when it is in public and now it has got to the point where I feel hurt. Yes I also feel like if I was some hot supermodel he would be more inclined to show people I'm his girl.

 

Is there anything I can do to make him be more accepting of PDAs? eg Tone down the kissing in private until he is more comfortable with kissing in public?

 

Have you told him that you would like him to hold hands and kiss on the cheek in public? You say he understands, so have you committed that when you are leaning in for a kiss, it will be on the cheek only? If you have and he is resistant, then you have to decide whether this is something you can live with. I definitely do not recommend withholding private affection until he behaves as you desire.

 

Also, unless he has said something to suggest that his dislike of PDAs is related to your attractiveness (not likely, imo), then this is something happening in your head that is just making the PDA issue way more fraught than it has to be.

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Have you told him that you would like him to hold hands and kiss on the cheek in public? You say he understands, so have you committed that when you are leaning in for a kiss, it will be on the cheek only? If you have and he is resistant, then you have to decide whether this is something you can live with. I definitely do not recommend withholding private affection until he behaves as you desire.

 

Also, unless he has said something to suggest that his dislike of PDAs is related to your attractiveness (not likely, imo), then this is something happening in your head that is just making the PDA issue way more fraught than it has to be.

 

You are right in thinking that he says his dislike of PDA is not related to him being attracted to me. But I guess any guy would say that to his girlfriend. If a guy is with a supermodel I don't think he would hesitate in smothering her with affection in front of his friends.

 

Also can I ask why you think I shouldn't tone down private affection? It doesn't seem fair to me that he can kiss me whenever he feels like it and I'll be receptive to it and then he doesn't do the same for me in public.

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You are right in thinking that he says his dislike of PDA is not related to him being attracted to me. But I guess any guy would say that to his girlfriend. If a guy is with a supermodel I don't think he would hesitate in smothering her with affection in front of his friends.

 

I don't agree with your conclusion. I think some people are just not comfortable with PDAs. By linking an independent preference of his to something about you (your lack of supermodel looks), the issue takes on a whole new level of meaning. It's no longer "my bf doesn't like PDAs" but "my bf finds me too unattractive to kiss in public." There is a huge difference between these positions, and i would encourage you not to adopt the latter.

 

Also can I ask why you think I shouldn't tone down private affection? It doesn't seem fair to me that he can kiss me whenever he feels like it and I'll be receptive to it and then he doesn't do the same for me in public.

 

It seems punitive for you to tone down private affection. It's a way of manipulating his behavior. I'm generally not in favor of this type of approach.

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I thought this as well at first, until that party I referred to. He does come from a different culture to me but so does his best friend (they grew up together in Eastern Europe then both moved over here to the UK), who wasn't inhibiting a display of affection towards his girlfriend at all. I am an insecure person as well and seeing this difference made me feel even more undesirable to my boyfriend and envious of the attention that his best friend's hot girl was getting :(

Well not everyone behaves exactly the same way. I'm Eastern European too and in my culture men can be quite reserved. For this reason overtly affectionate guys irritate me slightly because I didn't grow up with it.

 

I think your issue is insecurity though, that was quite obvious from your first post. If you start withdrawing your affections because of this you will just end up annoying him. It's your issue, not his.

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You are right in thinking that he says his dislike of PDA is not related to him being attracted to me. But I guess any guy would say that to his girlfriend. If a guy is with a supermodel I don't think he would hesitate in smothering her with affection in front of his friends.

 

Also can I ask why you think I shouldn't tone down private affection? It doesn't seem fair to me that he can kiss me whenever he feels like it and I'll be receptive to it and then he doesn't do the same for me in public.

 

 

 

You sound very insecure. You shouldn't compare yourself to 'hot friends' or supermodels, for starters. You need to be comfortable with yourself and understand that your boyfriend chose you, so obviously he finds you attractive. I don't think that it's fair to say that your boyfriend would be more into PDAs if you were a supermodel.

 

And withholding affection because your boyfriend did something that displeases you is, in my opinion, incredibly immature and abusive. Him being uncomfortable with kissing in public has nothing to do with what you do in private. Refusing to kiss him in the hopes that it will 'punish' him into doing what you like... do you really not see why that's a bad thing to do to someone?

 

It is very unattractive for a woman to compare herself to supermodels in a negative way, to be so hung up on looks and down on herself, and to withhold affection as a way to punish her partner. Those are the things that you should work on within yourself.

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But I guess any guy would say that to his girlfriend. If a guy is with a supermodel I don't think he would hesitate in smothering her with affection in front of his friends.

 

This is the crux of the issue right here. Why do you think he'd be any different with another girl? Have you witnessed or heard of him being affectionate towards other girls in public?

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I think your issue is insecurity though, that was quite obvious from your first post. If you start withdrawing your affections because of this you will just end up annoying him. It's your issue, not his.

 

I kind of agree, why do you need PDA?

 

I actually kind of agree with him, in most circumstances, it is impolite! Particularly around friends and things.

I think couples who are super into PDA's just scream of insecurity - I know that's not always the case but my first though is always "what exactly are you trying to prove to me?"

 

I don't consider myself conservative - at all, and my girlfriends gorgeous...I just don't need to prove anything to my friends and even less so to perfect strangers.

I'm not like anti PDA, not to the extent of your bf, I just understand where he's coming from! I'll hold my gf's hand, put my arm round her or even have a quick kiss but these like super lovey-dovey mushy sickly-sweet couples you see.....I just think they make themselves look hilarious, its so OTT. It means - nothing, y'know? I love my gf and reckon that I've proved that over the years, and I bet, 10 fold more than the bloke like full on making out with his girlfriend while sitting outside a café!

 

I honestly think you can tell when its genuine and when its just for show!

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This is the crux of the issue right here. Why do you think he'd be any different with another girl? Have you witnessed or heard of him being affectionate towards other girls in public?

 

I find that the times he is at his most 'touchy feely' with me are the times I wear a really nice dress to a date and make an extra special effort. This leads me to think that it is about appearance as well.

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He won't even let you kiss him on the cheek?

I don't get his behaviour to be honest, sure I can understand not wanting to have a prolonged, 5 minute long french kiss, or grope each other in public, but a kiss on the cheek is nothing.

It's the UK you're in, not Thailand or Saudi Arabia.

I don't mean to stir here, but it sounds perhaps as if he might be a little embarassed by you?

If you get married, at your ceremony is he going to blow up when you try and kiss him and push you away? That's in public, right?

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If a guy is with a supermodel I don't think he would hesitate in smothering her with affection in front of his friends.

 

and IF he did, why would that be??? ...for SHOW! To show off to his mates or whatever. Because he's insecure and wants his mates to think more of him based on the girl he pulled. Is that really what your looking for your relationship to be about? Showing off?

 

I'd still find it super rude! - your basically ignoring your friends and making them feel awkward.

I'd think him so insecure - because some guys don't need to have there tongue down a chicks throat to feel validated infront of there friends!

 

 

Plus, for the record, supermodels would compare unfavourably to my girlfriend sooo, if I was gonna flaunt the girl on my arm i'd be doing it now.

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I find that the times he is at his most 'touchy feely' with me are the times I wear a really nice dress to a date and make an extra special effort. This leads me to think that it is about appearance as well.

 

Okay, that is a fair cause for concern, IMO. If he were truly principally against PDA then it wouldn't vary depending on how dressed up you are.

 

Have you talked to him about this (why PDA is only okay if you're all dolled up)?

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Hi all,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months and things are generally great. He is super caring and we are very much in love. There are a few differences between us as is the case with all couples, but one difference does bother me and that is the fact that he is not a fan of being affectionate in public whereas I am. When we are alone inside his house he is very affectionate and touchy-feely since it's just us. This and many other things he does prove that he does love me very much, I have no doubt about that. It just really annoys me how he acts so different when we are out or with others.

 

If I go to kiss his cheek in public, he moves his head away. This not only hurts but is humiliating for me. He also doesn't like kissing me in front of people. He considers it impolite to other people, but he sacrifices my feelings while doing this. I am not asking him for a French kiss in public, I just ask that he doesn't move his ahead away when I reach to peck him on the cheek! Even when we went on holiday together last Christmas it was like this.

 

I learnt to accept his dislike of PDAs over the past 5 months but last Friday there came a situation which made me feel particularly sad about it. We were at a get-together at his best friend's house. There were 6 people there in total composed of 3 different couples: his best friend and his new girlfriend, my boyfriend and me, and another friend with his new girlfriend. Whereas the other two guys there were kissing and being very affectionate towards their new girlfriends, my boyfriend was keeping distance from me, holding my hand as a maximum. Afterwards when I asked him about this he said that he considered it 'inappropriate' to kiss at a friends' meetup- even though this was not 'in public' as such :rolleyes:

 

What should I do about it? I have tried talking to my boyfriend on different occasions but it looks like this aspect of him just can't change.

 

Sorry hun, it looks to me like you are knitpicking. If everything is going well, why are you stuck on this?

 

Also, knowing your boyfriend doesn't like PDA, you still go and try to kiss him on the cheek. You are complaining here he is disregarding your feelings, when you are doing the same thing by not respecting his wish to no PDA.

 

Now I don't mean to be rude, but I think you should read all the posts on here abut the people who get cheated on, played, used or just haven't had a partner in years if ever and try to be thankful you have a boyfriend who loves you.

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and IF he did, why would that be??? ...for SHOW! To show off to his mates or whatever. Because he's insecure and wants his mates to think more of him based on the girl he pulled. Is that really what your looking for your relationship to be about? Showing off?

 

I'd still find it super rude! - your basically ignoring your friends and making them feel awkward.

I'd think him so insecure - because some guys don't need to have there tongue down a chicks throat to feel validated infront of there friends!

 

 

Plus, for the record, supermodels would compare unfavourably to my girlfriend sooo, if I was gonna flaunt the girl on my arm i'd be doing it now.

 

When I was with my ex-girlfriend I'd kiss her in public, hold her hand, etc.

Not to show off to anyone else, just because I loved her and wanted to do so. I had nothing to be ashamed of.

If I had a girlfriend who never wanted to be seen to be affectionate towards me, and only was so behind closed doors, I'd wonder whether she was embarassed by or ashamed of being with me.

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I find that the times he is at his most 'touchy feely' with me are the times I wear a really nice dress to a date and make an extra special effort. This leads me to think that it is about appearance as well.

So are you saying he is touchy feely when you are dressed up sexy in public and turns his head when you are wearing jeans - also in public?

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