Boyfriend wouldn't let me in at friend's house - What was going on?

[FoolsRushIn]

I want to start by saying that the members of this board are great! I've read your advice for awhile, and posted once before when I had a relationship problem, so I'm hoping you guys can help me figure something out before the relationship ends. Here we go: My boyfriend and I started hanging out last summer. We "officially" started dating last September. We've had our fair share of problems along the way (communication issues, jealousy <that was me>, intimate problems, etc) but we've worked them all out, mostly. Except for the fact that we probably argue way too much. And unfortunately, I'll have to be the one to take the blame for the majority of our arguing. Not that I initiate the fights (we're pretty much equal on who's to blame there), but I pursue the arguing, while he tries to just push me away, so we can cool off. We've tried making compromises on this, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

 

Well most recently, Friday night, I spoke to my boyfriend on the phone and asked if he wanted to make plans to hang out that night. He said yes. But when I talked to him about an hour later to ask him what we were going to do, he told me his friend wanted him to come over to play video games. I was more than eager to point out the fact that he had hung out with this friend EVERY NIGHT last week (no exaggeration, I swear), until about 4 in the morning. This was the first time we would be spending time together since Sunday night. We had tried to hang out in the middle of the week, but we got into a fight, so I ended up dropping him off at THAT friend's house. So anyway, he then asked me if I wanted to go with him while they played the game. I said no, because #1, I HATE that friend, and I hated him way before I met my boyfriend (another long story), and #2, Video games aren't my thing. I told him no again, but then he had a beep on his phone and had to go. After we hung up I decided to give in, and go meet him at his friend's house. So I guess he was under the impression I wasn't going to show up. I got dressed and left, calling his house on my way for directions (didn't know the apt #). His mom answered and said he left already, telling her he was going to hang out with me. So I called the friend's house. His friend answered, told me his "apartment was the upstairs one, but my boyfriend wasn't there". He said somebody else asked my boyfriend to go down to a local hangout/restaurant place. -When was he going to tell me?- So instead I drive to that restaurant, and some of his other friends were there, but he wasn't. His friends said they didn't even know he was coming by. So I decided to go home.

 

But.... on my way home, let me drive by his house. His car wasn't there, so then I drove my his friend's apartment building, and his car WAS there. So I walked up the stairs (his friend has JUST told me his apt was the upstairs one), knocked on the first apt door, and it wasn't his place. So I went back down the stairs (it's all outside) and there is his friend, standing in the open doorway of the apartment. As soon as his friend saw me he yelled "Holy $hit" and ran inside and slammed the door! WTF?! I walk up to the door, knock - no answer. Knock again - "who is it? its me. um, you can't come in, im not dressed. are you kidding me?" They really didn't let me in. I then called the house phone - heard it ring from outside the door, but nobody would answer. I knocked one more time. Nothing, again. Then I just left. I didn't know what else to do. I was extremely pissed, hurt, and embarrased. I felt dumb standing there knocking on the door, and being ignored. I'm 99.99% positive my boyfriend was in there, because his car was there, and I heard his friend say something to somebody after he ran inside. Now what I need to know is what the hell was going on in there that I couldn't know about??? I've come up with a couple ideas. One could be that he was just mad and didn't want to see me. But then I figure that he could have at least come outside or called me to tell me. Or, worst of all, there could have been a girl in there. Which is of course what I don't want to believe, but is a good possibility. It would be completely out of character for him, but I don't believe he would tell me, even if there was. The only way for me to find out would be for me to catch him. Just like I caught my previous boyfriend (of over two years). We dated right before my current boyfriend. He also knew about that whole situation, and of course promised me he would never hurt me like that. Worst of all, its now Monday night and he still hasn't called me. I haven't tried to call him either, I want him to call first.

 

This has never been the outcome of one of our fights. We have always talked within usually 2 days, but I am usually the one to call. I want to think it was just a fight, and he was just mad. But it could have been much worse (cheating). We have almost broken up twice in the past just because we don't like how much we fight, but it has always ended with us both emotional and telling each other how much we don't want to be without each other. The most recent incident like that was just about a month ago.

 

So to everyone who is still reading this novel, I sincerely thank you, and appreciate any thoughts you may have. I hope everything was clear. It's so hard to tell a short story. Thanks again folks!

[kellyp1]

It sounds sketchy, like even if he has a good excuse, I would have trouble trusting him after that. His friend outright lied to you and then made a big deal when you came by. If it smells like sh*t and it looks like sh*t, it probably is. He probably feels too bad to call you.

 

I would wait and see if he calls and has a valid explanation for what happened but I would tend to think you should move on, you are worth far more than that.

[swtbonita]

you're in a very difficult situation...

 

If i was in your situation i wouldn't be able to trust him again.. they only thing i can think of is that he was either doing drugs or cheating... either one it was I would break up with him..

 

If you don't like his friend, (which i have no idea why) maybe it could give you some insight on what they were doing, by what kind of guy his friend is.. His friend lied to you.. so you would leave..

 

Why would his friend say he was naked.. if you saw him there.. i don't get that.. wasn't he wearing clothes lol..

 

I would say just break up with him.. because he's not worth it.. he didn't want to be with you and he didn't want you to be there and what kind of bf is that..

[loveregardless]

bottom line is that there is no reason that your boyfreind should have been in a house that you werent being aloud to enter, stayed inside and left you standing out there like all that. PERIOD. whatever he was doing, he was doing something WRONG. he wasn't just mad. sorry sweetie, but you need to either brace yourself for being hurt or get out before that happens. i know thats hard to hear, its so cliche, especially when you care about someone, but you really do deserve better ...

[Papillon]

Hmm...drugs? Booze? Women?

 

I'd get out if I were you. While you still can.

[Pocky]

Everyone makes mistakes and I'm almost always saying to give someone a second chance and that we're all human, yada, yada, yada. But in this case I have a problem with the way you were treated. It's like spitting in your face. Not opening the door and pretending like he's not in there is completely degrading to you and I don't think I would have any respect for my boyfriend after this. Regardless of what he was doing - that doesn't even matter in this case. The way he acted when he was faced with a position to be up front and open was degrading to you and that lack of respect he has for you is as hard thing to change.

 

I rarely say this - but I'd end it.

[rogueless]

My best guess is that there was a girl in there with him. Whatever was behind that door, he acted inappropriately. I would move on if it were me.

[tanbark813]

I'm with the other posters. He may or may not have had another girl in there, but regardless of what was going on, the simple fact that he let you stand outside and ignored you without letting you in is reason enough to drop his a$$.

[Artifact]

Do you think there is something going on between him and his friend?

[Barby]

I wondered the same thing, obviously SOMETHING was going on up there for them to act like that. Exactly like they said....

 

1) He's boinking his "friend"

 

2) They were doing drugs and got paranoid because they didn't want you to know for fear you'd call the cops, want to join in, (not that you would just an idea) or something.

 

3) He had another girl up there and freaked because he thought he was busted.

 

I doubt it was just because "he didn't want to see you"

 

So I went back down the stairs (it's all outside) and there is his friend, standing in the open doorway of the apartment. As soon as his friend saw me he yelled "Holy $hit" and ran inside and slammed the door! WTF?! I walk up to the door, knock - no answer. Knock again - "who is it? its me. um, you can't come in, im not dressed. are you kidding me?" They really didn't let me in. I then called the house phone - heard it ring from outside the door, but nobody would answer.

 

that sounds too extreme for something as simple as not wanting you there, he could have (like you said) called you, answered the phone, or opened the door a jar and told you that you weren't invited and that he wanted you to leave. Something other than hiding like a criminal! NO matter what the circumstance I would be looking at "moving on" obviously he doesn't have very much respect for you to let you stay at there like a fool beating on the door. I know I wouldn't allow someone I care for and respect to feel so low.

[Leikela]

Wow, my first thought was that he was doing something sexual with his friend. Him going over there until 4 am in the morning every night of the week is pretty suspicious. Sounds like a little more than video games to me...

[Spinzel]

I don't think he's doing anything sexual with his friend. Well, not based off the fact that they were playing video games until 4am every day. A LOT of guys do that, and my ex did that. Some guys just like to do nothing with their lives except hang out with their friends and play video games.

 

Regardless, dump him. Both he and his friend were acting juvenile and cruel, and you should have someone more mature than that.

[billybadass36]

Do NOT call this guy. See if he calls you. If he does, I'd like to hear what his story is. Ought to be a doozie.

[YellowLioness]

Girl, don't waste your time on sh*ts like this. Trust me. Been there, dated the a**h***s, didn't even get a tee-shirt or a "f*ck you" when it was over.

 

 

Find someone who isn't a jerk to date. There are nice guys out there...

 

somewhere...

 

I think...

 

Seriously, though... when you finally get that nice guy who is good to you, you'll look back at jerks like this and just hate yourself for being nice to someone who didn't deserve you.

 

But, you live, you learn.

[FoolsRushIn]

Well I thank you all for your responses. I sincerely appreciate it. Of course it wasn't what I wanted to hear, but unfortunately, the truth hurts. I'm also coming along to the point where I believe I need to move on. But... easier said than done. It's certainly going to be rough. And just an update, still no phone call.... I just don't know what to think. I mean, we've been together for over a year... don't I deserve more? I feel like even though times were rough with us, and we may not have lasted much longer, I didn't want to go out like this. I just didn't want to end things on a sour note like this. It really sucks.....

 

Again, thank you everyone for your thoughts, I'll be sure to let you guys know what his explaination is, if I ever get one.

 

And anybody else who reads this topic, please feel free to put in your response as well. Any additional thoughts are always welcome. You guys are great!

[SoleMate]

Wellllll...let me add exactly WHAT he was doiung the obvious...if your boyfriend was there, which seems certain, and he wouldn't let you in, hbut instead cruelly and callously kept you standing outside ringing the bell like an idiot, it is quite certain that he was doing something he thought you would disapprove of. No question in my mind about that. As to exactly WHAT he was doing...not sure. It could have been:

 

* drugs

* other woman/women

* other man/men

* farm animals

* crack whores huffing turpentine and selling illegal lottery tickets over the Internet

* ??????

 

As soon as his friend saw me he yelled "Holy $hit" and ran inside and slammed the door!

Gave the game away, wouldn't you say? It's clear to me that they weren't just making waffles and reading the Sunday paper.

 

Plenty o' fish in the sea. Throw this minnow back and find a keeper.

[FoolsRushIn]

Okay folks, here's the update: I was out to dinner with my friends tonight, and they suggested calling my boyfriend. I absolutely protested. I did not want to talk to him, get into it with him on the phone, and ruin my night. But of course, they proceeded. They tried to tell me I needed an explaination from him, and this would give me closure. It's been an absolute rough couple days, and I've been working on setting my mind on moving on. Not exactly what I wanted, but I felt it would probably be the best choice.

 

So my friends talked to my boyfriend on the phone (him not knowing I was there), asking what was going on over there that I wasn't allowed in the other night. He said he was just trying to avoid a confrontation or be embarrassed in front of his friend. He said he didn't want to fight with me in front of anybody else, and that he thought I was being "crazy" by "following him around town" and "showing up uninvited". I was getting very mad in the background, because I felt like he was totally talking ****. They asked him if there was another girl in there, and of course he said no. But they did tell him how dumb he had made me feel, and how mad and upset I was. As for not calling, he said he was waiting for me to call him. (Hello?! Why would I call after he wouldn't answer the door OR the telephone to me). The conversation went on for a bit, my friends were being a little rough, so he ended the phone call.

 

Well he then called me about two hours later, left me a message saying he wanted to call and check on me, said he was sorry, and hoped I would talk to him. I didn't answer or call him back. But he called back about five mins later, and my friends told me I should answer. We talked for about a half and hour. He said all the same things he told them, but I really don't think he is seeing it from my shoes at all. He doesn't see how he embarrassed, hurt, or disrespected me. I tried telling him that I don't think he has his priorities straight in life (and at 22 y/o, now is a good time to start), and I don't feel like he treats me well enough, and doesn't have a place for me in his life. All he had to say was sorry, and he'll try to change his ways. As if I haven't heard that before....

 

So now I am more confused than ever. I know they were just trying to help, but I think my friends did more harm than good. Because now he's trying to sweet talk me again, and I am horrible for falling for it. He knows he can always make me laugh when I'm upset, it's a soft spot for me. I know he's not the best guy for me, but something is keeping me from pushing him away. Before we had talked tonight, I felt like I didn't have a choice. I just had to move on. But now, he wants to fix things. What do I do? Do I stay strong and stay away from him? Or should I give him a chance to really prove himself? I'm just torn.....

[Anshul]

let me tell u my story. there was a grocery store and me in depression and u know in depression ppl become unwanted lovers, i came out of depression and didnt forget this woman so wat i did was i made up my mind to work on it and forget her. I put in a reliable man a staff from my shop whos been with us for several years now between me and her father, i started sending messages like wat i am doing every week. Then one fine day i decided i had enough. Ofcourse the staff did not tell her father that i sent him. he went to buy groceries and updated the old man every week. I then sent 20$ for a 24 pack mango juice crate that i love thru the man and told the staff top tell the old man i sent it. The old man never sent the juice crate. I simply deleted her from my memory basically blocked her out so much that now she is a stranger.

 

But they are very angry from me, I dunno why, last time i accompanied my mom, one of the ladies shouted at me in front of other people, it was a bit hilarious but then i had to get her out of my mind.

 

Its your decision, if you want to put him in your mind and put an anchor to your ship of life go ahead, my advice would be to go to clubs and pubs and find a decent guy and block this moron out. I dont think he has any respect for you. maybe now he is bored and is looking to make his life happy again without much thinking, such guys arent serious, its wat i call play and throw get the next one or the same one if you think she can be used still, sorry to put it so bluntly.

 

anyway cheers

[pitprincess]

Please tell me that your not buying the story there wasn't someone else there?

 

If the friend sent you to the "wrong apartment"

Then sees you and yells "Holy S**T"

Then "Slams the door in your face and wont let you in"

That surely you don't believe that he sent you to the wrong apartment"because he is scared of you seeing him play a game..

Desides that he would just curse and act like an idiot" because the time was right for it'

AND Slams the door because he didnt want to see who you were... l

 

This guy aint worth your time sweety... Toss him to the curb! Better KICK HIM TO IT...

 

Sounds like this fool is playing you like a keyboard.

 

I hope you find someone that is better to you then this guy.

Good Luck

[billybadass36]

Again - do NOT call this guy. I've been this guy before. Just don't do it.

 

There's something in economics called "sunk cost theory". You can apply it to relationships just as well. Sunk cost theory is pretty much the idea that you "shouldn't throw good money after bad" or in other terms, just because you've invested a bunch of time and effort into a relationship isn't reason enough to let linger a losing proposition. You will expend yet additional emotional currency on this d--khead, waste your precious days, weeks, months, whatever on this guy, only to have the same s--t happen down the road. This is the proverbial losing hand at poker. Get out while the gettin's good.

 

Since you've opened up the lines of communication, he'll of course try to sweet talk you back, but don't buy that crap. He thought it was over when he hadn't heard from you for days, and for obviously good reason. Now that contact was initiated he sees that there's a glimmer of hope at trying to slither back into your life, bed, etc...He's had several days of caucusing with his friends, dreaming up all kinds of scenarios and stories about "what went on that night". He's going to try to make you think (a) you were somehow in the wrong; (b) that what you saw with your own eyes was somehow not what was going on; and © that you're overreacting, etc...

 

Just give this guy the heave ho now before you end up wasting ANOTHER year of your life. Chalk it up to experience. You're young, attractive, etc., there are plenty of guys eager to go out w/ you for sure. Anybody deserves better. Just stay strong and don't give in to the "well, I've been with him a year and it would be sad to throw it away over one night..." thing - you'll end up more hurt in the long run.

 

At the very least, if you take him back it will show him that he can get away with this s--t, and you'll never be able to trust him again.

[EnigmaXOXO]

So what's the attraction?

 

I can't understand for the life of me why some women cling to jerks. Is he really that great of a catch that you would tolerate so much disrespect?...Or are you just afraid of not being in some kind of relationship, however one-sided.

 

Sounds like you have a lot of great friends and a busy life without him. Other guys will come and go, no need to waste any more of your time chasing after this immature loser. You've already given the kid a year.

 

Free yourself up for something/someone better…a GROWNUP preferably. Not every guy will treat you like this. But you're going to have to raise your bar, and your expectations.

 

Don't you think you're worth it?

[LikkleMissConfused]

HE IS TALKING CRAP!

 

Soemthing fishy is going on defo! If you fall for it your a fool!

 

I've been there fallen far it and all you will do is get hurt. Stick with your girl mates and leave this idiot alone.

 

Meet him let him take you out for dinner and sweet talk you then tell him its over. Thats the best way to deal with gutless guys like that.

 

Play him at his own game because he will never tell you the truth.

 

Good luck honey!

[beautiful]

FoolsRushIn................if I was your bf I would have run away from you a long time ago.

I do not know how old you are however you are way to much drama!

 

You following him around..........your friends knowing all your business! Wow how overwhelming for a guy.

 

I do not know if he is cheating on your or not . That is not even the issue here. You following this guy all over the place is.

 

I think that you need to stop and re group yourself and definately check yourself! No guy, no healthy guy is going to put up with that.

 

If you do not trust your bf, you let go and move on. You do not have a relationship when there is no trust. You seem obsessed with him and the fact that you allow your friends to talk to him about your relationship is probably worse then you running after him.

 

You need some serious self improvement help and practice them. Your self esteem is zero to none.

 

I wish you luck and take care of you.

[LikkleMissConfused]

Your right beautiful, but no decent guy would do what he did to her even if she did just pop round.

 

Stop trying to be so bloody diplomatic.

 

Yes she is all over the place and so is he, but if she treated him like that I'm sure he would tell he to get stuffed.

 

Treat others how you would liek to be treated!

[RowanRavyn]

The impression I got was that she rethought an invitation HE extended to her.

 

It sounds like there is growing up to do for everyone. If you learn from it, it is no longer a mistake, its a lesson. Please take the lesson on this one:

 

1. Don't create more drama than necessary to deal with something

2. If someone slams the door in your face, doesn't answer the bell or the phone, they aren't worth the time you spent ringing.

3. Friends are wonderful, but sometimes they have their own agenda. Follow your instinct (Which seemed to be no contact, move on.)

 

Peace