I feel like my needs aren't being met.

[warrenorabbits]

I've been with this girl for a couple of weeks and things started off well. But I've become annoyed and somewhat hurt because there's a difference between how she acts with me privately and publicly. In private she shows lots of affection and seems very engaged; however, in public she's cold and never talks to me or shows affection. I asked her about this today and she made it sound like I was being whiny and unreasonable; from the tone in her voice she could hardly wait to get rid of me.

 

If she had told me the same thing I would have been sorry and I would have sincerely promised to do more in the future. Not so the other way round. Am I just needy or do I need to just cut this one off?

 

Other relevant details:

1. She works at the same company and I occasionally have to be in a meeting with her, though probably not a one-on-one.

2. Yesterday she told me that if a certain celebrity were available to her she'd dump me in a heartbeat. Very hurtful, and I had to explicitly say "and that hurt my feelings" to get an apology.

[ja123]

If she works at the same company as you, then I could her not wanting to show PDA so soon until you've been together awhile. She might just not want to go public, due to work.

 

 

However, combined with the second point ... well, that's mean.

 

 

I think you need to realize that she's just not that into you. You are way more invested than she is, and you'll probably get hurt.

[Eivuwan]

2. Yesterday she told me that if a certain celebrity were available to her she'd dump me in a heartbeat. Very hurtful, and I had to explicitly say "and that hurt my feelings" to get an apology.

 

Somebody who says this after two weeks of dating have problems. Especially, if it wasn't due to a fight or something.

[Gaeta]

Discard this relationship right away while the damages are minimal. If you continue this, disagreements and resentment will build up and then it will become unlivable at work.

 

Abort right now!!

 

P.S.: You are NOT suppose to have issues like this after 2 weeks dating.

[warrenorabbits]

I think that you are all right. It's tough for me because I give so much to my partner and they never give enough back. I don't think my standards for "enough" are too high, either ...

 

But now I am in a dilemma about how to break up. I'm still hurt over the celebrity comment and her indifference, so what I want to do is say "I need to find someone who cares about my feelings and doesn't make cruel comments." However, I will occasionally (including this week) have to be in a room with her, so perhaps I explain less bluntly to her and talk about those issues to a trusted friend.

 

And before anyone asks, I have learned my lesson. I will never date someone from work ever again. Ever.

[warrenorabbits]

So I suppose I've got the final question:

 

Given the above, how do I break up?*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*(not trying to push, I just thought it wouldn't be obvious at first glance that I still had that question)

[deathandtaxes]

So I suppose I've got the final question:

 

Given the above, how do I break up?*

 

 

A simple "I don't think we should see each other any more." should suffice. You don't have to give any explanation.

[warrenorabbits]

I know I don't have to, but I want to ...

 

the part about not giving back she'll get, but I'm still hurt over the celebrity comment and don't think I really communicated that in a good way. I said it hurt my feelings but did so half-jokingly because I didn't want to offend her.

 

At the end of the day, though, I shouldn't let such a brainless remark bother me.

 

I'm just thinking aloud; feel free to input if you have thoughts.

[TXGuy]

Obviously, she is just using you for sex and does not care about you. If the genders were reversed, the peanut gallery would be going crazy over the 'using' angle.

 

I'd say, just practice your indifference toward women on her. Just ride out the relationship as a non emotional physical relationship.

 

If you are not into that, you have to end the relationship with as little drama as possible, since you work together.

[Eivuwan]

To avoid drama at work, you should probably just tell her that you don't think you guys are compatible or something like that.

[OhThatGirl]

"I've really enjoyed the last couple weeks but I've realized we are probably not compatible long term."

 

Simple. Issues came up that you can't see past.

 

Though I might add this sounds like it's a recurring theme for you.. Your partner rarely provides as much as you need and yet you feel like you're not being unreasonable? You're giving it your all? Um, maybe your all is coming across as inauthentic and clingy?

 

After a couple weeks of dating I'm not free flowing with displays of affection let alone in public. Maybe resting my hand on his for a brief time during dinner and a hug or kiss at the end of the night. Anything more than that seems bizarre and forced for me. Though when I'm in a *relationship* after a decent amount of time (few to several months) I feel comfortable holding hands, looping my arm through his, the occasional kiss in public.

 

You gave her 2 weeks of dating and can't get past her inability to be affectionate in public. Yikes.

 

And for the celebrity thing.. She was joking. It was just how she communicated what she thought about him. He's sexy, she likes his films/music/TV shows, etc. It was NOT her saying if her ex came back she would leave you in a second. It's probably a little distasteful but seriously? You were hurt by this? Enough to say something? AND still harbor hurt feelings?

 

I'm going to get bashed by a few people here I'm sure but I'll say it anyway: suck it up, toughen up, quit being so sensitive, needy, and clingy. The fact you've said this has happened with many past partners leads me to believe this is much more your issue than hers.

[Poppygoodwill]

I have to say that OhThatGirl might be onto something that you should carefully consider. It's always so easy for us to point the finger at others, but we should always examine our own behaviour too, even if we never admit it to the other - to be sure we aren't creatign our own problems.

 

That said, if she's not meeting your needs, then she's not.

 

If you think breaking up is the right route then I would do as other suggest and keep it simple and worthy of two weeks of dating, which is to say brief and unemotional. I like you, but I don't think this is going anywhere should do it.

 

If you want to give her all the reasons and all that, then I suspect you're actually looking for a conversation about your needs, which is very different than breaking up with someone. Don't start out on one only to turn it into the other cause it'll all go wrong.

[stillafool]

"I've really enjoyed the last couple weeks but I've realized we are probably not compatible long term."

 

Simple. Issues came up that you can't see past.

 

Though I might add this sounds like it's a recurring theme for you.. Your partner rarely provides as much as you need and yet you feel like you're not being unreasonable? You're giving it your all? Um, maybe your all is coming across as inauthentic and clingy?

 

After a couple weeks of dating I'm not free flowing with displays of affection let alone in public. Maybe resting my hand on his for a brief time during dinner and a hug or kiss at the end of the night. Anything more than that seems bizarre and forced for me. Though when I'm in a *relationship* after a decent amount of time (few to several months) I feel comfortable holding hands, looping my arm through his, the occasional kiss in public.

 

You gave her 2 weeks of dating and can't get past her inability to be affectionate in public. Yikes.

 

And for the celebrity thing.. She was joking. It was just how she communicated what she thought about him. He's sexy, she likes his films/music/TV shows, etc. It was NOT her saying if her ex came back she would leave you in a second. It's probably a little distasteful but seriously? You were hurt by this? Enough to say something? AND still harbor hurt feelings?

 

I'm going to get bashed by a few people here I'm sure but I'll say it anyway: suck it up, toughen up, quit being so sensitive, needy, and clingy. The fact you've said this has happened with many past partners leads me to believe this is much more your issue than hers.

 

I completely agree.

[warrenorabbits]

I think OhThatGirl has some points, but she seems like a Dr. Laura sort that gets satisfaction out of being "frank" and contrarian. How dare I take that comment -- which wasn't said jokingly at all -- and actually let it hurt my feelings! What a wuss I am! And of course, international law states that kissing is forbidden until twenty-one days into a relationship. No accounting for taste, situation, or personal preference.

 

I do think that I am too sensitive to not being shown affection ... however, I don't like one thing in private and something totally different in public. I don't demand to be finger-banged but an occasional hug, or something other than near-complete avoidance, would be nice.

[Sweeetie]

She is showing you aspects of her personality at this early stage, it is best to pull out now before the relationship extends and you get caught up in something that's making you unhappy. You have tried telling her how you feel and she doesn't care. Have some love for yourself.

[OhThatGirl]

I think OhThatGirl has some points, but she seems like a Dr. Laura sort that gets satisfaction out of being "frank" and contrarian. How dare I take that comment -- which wasn't said jokingly at all -- and actually let it hurt my feelings! What a wuss I am! And of course, international law states that kissing is forbidden until twenty-one days into a relationship. No accounting for taste, situation, or personal preference.

 

I do think that I am too sensitive to not being shown affection ... however, I don't like one thing in private and something totally different in public. I don't demand to be finger-banged but an occasional hug, or something other than near-complete avoidance, would be nice.

 

I get satisfaction from being frank? Maybe. But if you approach strangers on an online forum for their thoughts I feel frank is owed to you. I have zero need to skirt around the truth and reassure you that what you're doing/feeling is entirely reasonable. Lame friends can do that for you.

 

Does she have the potential to end up with this celebrity? Does she see the celeb at parties? Do they float in the same social circle? No? Oh.. Then she was joking. Again, distasteful but I would examine why this was hurtful to you. At 2 weeks of dating I've rarely decided to be exclusively dating one person. So possible this was a way of her saying she hasn't ruled out every other option? That's still fair.

 

Another thing.. You said you're not expecting to be fingerbanged. Does that mean you're also female? Is this at all to do with her comfort level of being affectionate towards the same sex in public? If so that brings another (entirely reasonable) factor into the situation.

 

And of course there is not a law. But the fact you're counting days of this "relationship" and not months or years means "accounting for taste, situation, preferences" is not accounting for hers at all. If she's not giving you affection in public it's because that's her taste, in that particular situation, based on her personal preferences. You can't assume because you need that, she needs to give it to you. Same with all the other partners that haven't given this back to you. And certainly peoples' comfort level is different between public and private. It's quite obvious that you won't get the same level of affection between the two.

 

But the biggest question to answer.. Are you of the same sex? This may be a huge factor in this.

[mysunflower]

I would never stay with a person like that, she didn't feel proud of being with you, or maybe she is waiting for a better choice to show up and then leave you

that's why she acted like that in public.

Be with someone respect you, and proud of being with you, anywhere.

[stillafool]

^^^^^^^

I agree with the above. If she is a woman she may not be comfortable yet in showing PDA or it's not a big deal to her. Who is her celebrity crush? Most people have one but we all know the chances of meeting them and dating them are pretty much 0%. Nothing to be angry about.

[salparadise]

But now I am in a dilemma about how to break up. I'm still hurt over the celebrity comment and her indifference, so what I want to do is say "I need to find someone who cares about my feelings and doesn't make cruel comments."

 

Two weeks? Hell, just don't call her anymore. You're not required to justify moving on after a couple of dates. Whatever you do, don't give her something to turn back around on you and argue about. If she wants to know just say you lost that lovin' feeling and don't wish to continue.

 

BTW, I think the comment about dumping you for a movie star tells you all you all need to know about this one. She's got some kind of fairy tale fantasy thing going on.

 

I'm going to get bashed by a few people here I'm sure but I'll say it anyway: suck it up, toughen up, quit being so sensitive, needy, and clingy. The fact you've said this has happened with many past partners leads me to believe this is much more your issue than hers.

 

Nah, she was insensitive. At two weeks in she shouldn't be showing cray-cray. Better to cut his losses early before she get her hooks in and turns it up to full volume.

[OhThatGirl]

Let me try it from her perspective:

 

"I've been on a few dates with this guy I work with. I enjoy his company and we get along but recently a few things have come up that I can't seem to shake. First we were out at [insert random public place here] and he wanted to hold hands and cuddle. I thought this was strange because although we've done this in privacy, we've only been dating a couple weeks and it felt very possessive/clingy/unnatural. Afterwards he asked me why I don't show more affection in public.. We've only been on a few dates! Not only that but when we were taking about our favorite actors I jokingly said that if Brad Pitt made himself available to me I'd be gone in a heartbeat. He got serious and said it hurt him that Id say this. I wasn't sure how to respond because it was clearly a joke.. I ended up apologizing but he is still holding it against me. How can I get him to chill out and back off a little bit? Seriously, I like him but it's only been a few dates and a couple weeks. I feel suffocated!

 

Because yes. This is possibly what she would post if she were on LS seeking advice. From her perspective, is this really disrespectful? Or just "oh ok I guess he can't take jokes like this.. I know better but I'm still a little freaked out he was so hurt by this casual comment.."

[pteromom]

Maybe she wasn't joking about the celebrity. I don't know. But some people aren't comfortable with PDA. If PDA is important to you, you are right to end this relationship.

[OhThatGirl]

I mean if this is unacceptable to you and you absolutely need more than she can give, move on and a simple explanation of not being compatible is in order.

 

But really think about the fact this seems to be a recurring issue. If you haven't been able to find anyone to give back what you put in, it's time to consider adjusting your expectations in short term dating.

[hasaquestion]

Somebody who says this after two weeks of dating have problems. Especially, if it wasn't due to a fight or something.

 

This girl has problems because she said she'd dump the guy for a famous celebrity? Jeez how thin skinned can people be.

 

Obviously I'm dating someone who i don't necessarily anticipate marrying, and I really like her. But if she dumped me tomorrow for Justin Timberlake I couldn't even be mad. Great for you. Hell I'd probably go bi if I had that on the table.

 

I think the expectations this girl's being held to right now by the OP aren't reasonable. Just because your life isn't a bunch of cut scenes from a romantic comedy doesn't mean she isn't into you. After all you're sleeping together she must appreciate you on some levels.

[warrenorabbits]

So we talked about it yesterday and mutually broke up. But it was amicable; we agreed to be friends, and also to not make things awkward at work.

 

I know that this decision was the correct one but I'm having regrets, especially now that I'm back to square one in terms of having someone close in this new location (no non-work friends or family live nearby).

 

And ohthatgirl, I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. You have some good points, especially about my expectations being too high. But that may be a question for a professional.

[warrenorabbits]

Regulars to the forum might remember my question from a week ago. In brief, my girlfriend, though very affectionate/sexual in private, seemed to almost be avoiding me in public. I tried talking to her about it and she became annoyed, so a day later I decided that we were incompatible and we broke up. It was (sort of) mutual in the sense that she just said "ok" and didn't really put up a fight. We are on friendly terms now. Also, we work at the same company and had been dating half a month (I know, I know).

 

But this weekend I went on an overnight trip that she was originally going to accompany me on, and needless to say I felt very lonely. I had some time to think about what happened but I had a hard time coming to a conclusion. On one hand, I really enjoyed my time with her and we seemed like mostly like-minded people. On the other hand, I'll admit that I often over-think if I don't get "enough" physical affection; it's a problem that I can't seem to reason through or "suppress," that's beyond the scope of this forum and that I think I will seek counselling for.

 

My gut feeling is that I don't need the added stress, but it seems like a shame to let someone go over a silly insecurity issue. What, if anything; do you suggest I say to her? I should add that we have an "open-door policy" with one another when it comes to weighty matters.