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My boyfriend thinks I'm beautiful "only when I dress up for special occasions"?


Sweeetie

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I don't want to seem like a shallow person, but something my boyfriend said to me yesterday is bothering me and I think it would bother most girls.

 

It is not the main requirement at all, but a boyfriend is supposed to make his girl feel attractive. Unfortunately my boyfriend only finds me attractive when I make a big effort like when we are going on a special date and I put on a really nice dress. (Normally when we meet I just wear jeans and a nice top). He admitted this to me yesterday when I asked him if he thinks I'm beautiful. We have been together for 5 months so far.

 

Previous guys I haves dated would describe me as "beautiful", "gorgeous" and "hot". My boyfriend doesn't find me as attractive as they did but he shows me more love and care than all of them put together. I'm grateful to have met a man who puts in so much effort for me but his opinion on my appearance is making me unhappy and unlike with other relationship problems that one usually has, it is not something that can be changed. I just don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with a man who makes me feel second-best. Towards the beginning of our relationship he would always ogle other attractive women right in front of me when we were out on dates, and after a big argument he stopped doing it. He just makes me feel so ugly.

 

Girls, would this be a dealbreaker for you?

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Yes that would bother me, but I'd never ask a guy "do you think I'm beautiful" I mean...weird thing to ask, why did you do it?

 

I'd feel insecure knowing this info, but I'd also have moved on when he was ogling other women on early dates. I mean he showed you from the beginning that you weren't the apple of his eye so to speak.

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Previous guys I haves dated would describe me as "beautiful", "gorgeous" and "hot". My boyfriend doesn't find me as attractive as they did but he shows me more love and care than all of them put together. I'm grateful to have met a man who puts in so much effort for me but his opinion on my appearance is making me unhappy and unlike with other relationship problems that one usually has
First off...why would you be asking such a question...."am I beautiful"? Is this something that you constantly have to hear to feel good about yourself, or is someone telling you that you are intelligent, clever, caring, hardworking etc mean a lot more than this?

 

Your previous Bfs as you alluded to it will seem, were just telling you what you wanted to hear in order for them to get what they want....looks like it worked as you are no longer with them, and you have admitted that your current guy "does a lot more for you than all the previous put together"

 

I personally can not be with a woman who is wrapped up in her looks and spends every waking hour in front of a mirror and is expecting people to say she is "beautiful".....this screams low self esteem

 

If you really mean this

I'm grateful to have met a man who puts in so much effort for me
, then you will concentrate on what is important and stop worrying about your looks :rolleyes:

 

Note: Beauty on the inside is x1000000000000000000 better than beauty on the outside any day and will lead to a long lasting relationship than the fluff of makeup / mascara, push up bra / skanky clothes pretentious fluff

 

Obviously no mature woman will ask a guy this.....has to be someone in the 20s and 30s with daddy issues / low self esteem

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I'm sorry you are going through that - I would feel insulted too! A man who truly loves his woman loves how she looks whether dressed up or not because he loves who she is on the inside. He is objectifying you instead of appreciating you as a person. The problem is with him and not you. Sounds like he has intimacy issues and will never be satisfied no matter what you do. BTDT and it stinks to be in that position.

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problem is with her too for asking loaded questions.

 

It was an immature thing to ask, for sure.

 

But, is a relationship gonna last if one party isn't even actually attracted to the other?

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Actions over words. Does he act attracted? How is your physical relationship?

 

How important is it to you to be considered beautiful? And why?

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This is just plain silly. Of course everyone looks better when they are dressed up and well groomed!

 

Self-esteem comes from within. Can you imagine the responses if a man had posted the same thing?

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It's possibly he just has a different definition of "beautiful" than you do.

 

To some people, "beautiful" means "pretty AND well groomed, attractively dressed", not just the daily look.

 

And some people don't look as good if they're not going all out.

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The deal breaker for me would have been him ogling other women.

 

IMO it's normal for men and women to notice other attractive people....but when they minimize and/or make their partner feel unattractive in the process. Heck no.

 

The second thing is having to ask your boyfriend if he thinks you're beautiful? How effing terrible - nobody should ever EVER ask for a compliment. It makes you look weak and insecure but given the circumstances, I can understand you feeling that way.

 

Like I said, I'd have been gone before this "relationship" started.

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Dump him.

 

If he doesn't think you're beautiful after waking up next to you when you aren't wearing makeup and your hair's a mess, he shouldn't be with you.

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It's possibly he just has a different definition of "beautiful" than you do.

 

To some people, "beautiful" means "pretty AND well groomed, attractively dressed", not just the daily look.

 

And some people don't look as good if they're not going all out.

 

I agree, for me beauty is a more about natural than being dressing up...my girlfriend dresses up and she takes your breath away, stunning, but its first thing in the morning that I think God, she's beautiful!

 

Your guy might just have his words round a different way he may find you attractive day to day and associate beautiful with when he sees you all dolled up.

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actually this wouldn't bother me at all. he is actually giving you a very clear signal about how he would like you to dress and look. more dresses it seems and more makeup. if you don't do that for him then he'll keep looking at other women and you'll feel neglected. want to keep your man? dress a bit more how he likes. fairly simple adjustment. guys wear jeans women wear dresses. he obviously wants a woman. not a big deal unless you're unwilling. I'd alter the clothing, I have. it's not a big deal to me and it means more compliments for me and more attention from my bf, and less worry he likes someone else's style better.

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My boyfriend just tells me I am beautiful. Occasionally he has said it first thing in the morning when I wake up.

 

 

I am only plain jane/average gal too. He tells me I am a 10 in his eyes. He truly means it as far as my instinct runs deep. I believe him.

 

I never have to dress up for him to say I look beautiful.

 

What your bf said would be a deal breaker for me.

 

His flirting in front of you shows you the type of guy he is more than beautiful thing.

 

A guy who is really into a girl and is smitten with HER, he doesn't check out other chicks all that much, especially in front of his gf:sick:

 

Most men who are head over heels with a girl lose interest in checking out other women as often. My boyfriend has a high enough sex drive yet, since meeting me and in general to some extent, he just doesn't ogle woman full stop. It has never been is thing anyway though. Guys who ogle woman in my experience, are immature jerk - types of men (like my ex:lmao:).

 

Then again, a good female friend of mine has a guy who slept around A LOT before meeting her, only to fall hopelessly in love with her at first sight pretty much. It was an epic type of loves story with those two, which is rare, and he sure doesn't check out other women now despite his previous penchant for sleeping with a new hot woman every weekend!

 

My ex would have slept with a new hot chick every weekend if he could, much like my friends bf once did; only difference is, when my ex met me, he was not smitten (he was curious and intrigued and wanted to help me with my personal issues), but the point is, I was NOT the apple of his eye. He was NOT all that attracted to me. He continued to check out other chicks ALL the time, sometimes in front of me.

The difference is obviously: my friends b4 is totally into her. My ex wasn't super into me. Guys who fall hard for a girl just don't.... check out other girls all that much, normally, although there are exceptions to any rule!

 

My ex boyfriend would see me more objectively and I definitely wasn't the most beautiful woman to HIM. Turns out, he was not in love with me. We were more the best of friends with sexual chemistry; not in love...

My current guy tells me that I am the most beautiful woman in the entire world to HIM.

 

 

 

Sometimes you just "know" if a guy truly finds you attractive enough and is thrilled by you.

 

My ex did tell me " you look pretty today" very rarely, and also : wow, I saw you from behind today when I picked you up, I thought to myself wow who is that hot chick" and I can count the times he said crap like this on ONE HAND.

Where as current guy is genuinely attracted to me. I have a not so stunning face albeit with some really nice features, I have a bad nose and it looks awful against my face shape; my ex was never totally comfortable with the way I looked and I felt it.

Current guy thought I was gorgeous from day one and finds me even more so the more in love he falls with me.

 

I just never felt like I was "it" for my ex. He adored me personally, but he wasn't into me in THAT romantic sense.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope this helps, I have been with guys who are totally head over heels for me, and I have been with men who just aren't that into me, as well.

 

Their take on my beauty was very telling insofar as how into me they truly were, and that correlation with how beautiful they thought I was.

 

 

I mean come on. My bf surely KNOWS I am not hot or beautiful? I am insecure too, you know, regarding my looks. Yet I honestly, 100% believe my boyfriend finds me beautiful, more so than any other woman in the world to HIM.

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My boyfriend just tells me I am beautiful. Occasionally he has said it first thing in the morning when I wake up.

 

 

I am only plain jane/average gal too. He tells me I am a 10 in his eyes. He truly means it as far as my instinct runs deep. I believe him.

 

I never have to dress up for him to say I look beautiful.

 

What your bf said would be a deal breaker for me.

 

His flirting in front of you shows you the type of guy he is more than beautiful thing.

 

A guy who is really into a girl and is smitten with HER, he doesn't check out other chicks all that much, especially in front of his gf:sick:

 

Most men who are head over heels with a girl lose interest in checking out other women as often. My boyfriend has a high enough sex drive yet, since meeting me and in general to some extent, he just doesn't ogle woman full stop. It has never been is thing anyway though. Guys who ogle woman in my experience, are immature jerk - types of men (like my ex:lmao:).

 

Then again, a good female friend of mine has a guy who slept around A LOT before meeting her, only to fall hopelessly in love with her at first sight pretty much. It was an epic type of loves story with those two, which is rare, and he sure doesn't check out other women now despite his previous penchant for sleeping with a new hot woman every weekend!

 

My ex would have slept with a new hot chick every weekend if he could, much like my friends bf once did; only difference is, when my ex met me, he was not smitten (he was curious and intrigued and wanted to help me with my personal issues), but the point is, I was NOT the apple of his eye. He was NOT all that attracted to me. He continued to check out other chicks ALL the time, sometimes in front of me.

The difference is obviously: my friends b4 is totally into her. My ex wasn't super into me. Guys who fall hard for a girl just don't.... check out other girls all that much, normally, although there are exceptions to any rule!

 

My ex boyfriend would see me more objectively and I definitely wasn't the most beautiful woman to HIM. Turns out, he was not in love with me. We were more the best of friends with sexual chemistry; not in love...

My current guy tells me that I am the most beautiful woman in the entire world to HIM.

 

 

 

Sometimes you just "know" if a guy truly finds you attractive enough and is thrilled by you.

 

My ex did tell me " you look pretty today" very rarely, and also : wow, I saw you from behind today when I picked you up, I thought to myself wow who is that hot chick" and I can count the times he said crap like this on ONE HAND.

Where as current guy is genuinely attracted to me. I have a not so stunning face albeit with some really nice features, I have a bad nose and it looks awful against my face shape; my ex was never totally comfortable with the way I looked and I felt it.

Current guy thought I was gorgeous from day one and finds me even more so the more in love he falls with me.

 

I just never felt like I was "it" for my ex. He adored me personally, but he wasn't into me in THAT romantic sense.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope this helps, I have been with guys who are totally head over heels for me, and I have been with men who just aren't that into me, as well.

 

Their take on my beauty was very telling insofar as how into me they truly were, and that correlation with how beautiful they thought I was.

 

 

I mean come on. My bf surely KNOWS I am not hot or beautiful? I am insecure too, you know, regarding my looks. Yet I honestly, 100% believe my boyfriend finds me beautiful, more so than any other woman in the world to HIM.

 

Hmmmmm....very nice post, you bring forward a lot of good points that other girls / women can learn from based on your experience.

 

You speak a lot about this ex bf of yours in almost every sentence....the question has to be asked, what was so special about this guy then? You said he helped you with "personal issues", was it really worth being with this guy if he treated you as you mentioned only for booty calls?

 

I have said it before, as the saying goes..."show me a "beautiful woman" (think Jennifer Aniston), and I'll show you a guy (Brad Pitt) who is tired of sleeping with her. The point here is....a certain person that everyone goes ga-ga over, there will be others asking what the fuss is all about

 

A bit of a cliche' I know...."but beauty is only skin deep" ;)

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regine_phalange

Honestly? I'd like to be with someone who thinks I'm pretty even in a spacesuit, and doesn't ogle other women (or aliens).

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melodymatters

I think we might be missing the point here. What I am seeing is "negging". There is not ONE good reason to ever make your woman feel less than attractive. The ONE guy who did this to me was a PUA type before it was actually a "thing".

 

I was told that I was "attractive enough for an average everyday mom" on my mother trucking birthday and I'm someone who has had men follow me down the street, knock on my car window to speak with me.:rolleyes:

 

I also had to hear how GORGEOUS and perfect his other ex's were. Yeah, I was an IDIOT, thank god it was long long ago !

 

Your BF may just have aspergers or be socially awkward or truly mentally handicapped, but I will ALWAYS question a mans motives in telling his lover that she is "not all that".

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If he makes you feel ugly how can he make you feel so loved? I get the sense from your post that your exes never really made you feel very loved, so by comparison your current boyfriend seems like an angel.

 

I really don't think there is anything wrong with you asking him if he thinks you're beautiful. And if he's been more than happy to gawp over other women, he should have no issue giving his own partner at least the same appreciation.

 

Idk to me he sounds very toxic.

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That's messed up. Whatever happened to liking the person for who they are from the inside and the outside no matter what? I can look like crap dirty hair, PJs, etc. And still be loved. IF I wasn't single hahahaha.

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I think we might be missing the point here. What I am seeing is "negging". There is not ONE good reason to ever make your woman feel less than attractive. The ONE guy who did this to me was a PUA type before it was actually a "thing".

 

I was told that I was "attractive enough for an average everyday mom" on my mother trucking birthday and I'm someone who has had men follow me down the street, knock on my car window to speak with me.:rolleyes:

 

I also had to hear how GORGEOUS and perfect his other ex's were. Yeah, I was an IDIOT, thank god it was long long ago !

 

Your BF may just have aspergers or be socially awkward or truly mentally handicapped, but I will ALWAYS question a mans motives in telling his lover that she is "not all that".

 

Funny enough....Men do the same same when some women start to nag their spouse, name calling and swearing, and in extreme cases shove and throw things at them...perhaps that is why these men do it?

 

Yes...two wrongs don't make a right I know.

 

For those that know me now...you have heard me harp on about Mutual respect as the #2 must have on my list once friendship has been established

 

Lets not full ourselves, some people do LET THEMSELVES GO once they get married, with the rationale being...I am married now, don't have to worry about impressing anybody, so I can eat/drink whatever I want......Bad move

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I'd feel insecure knowing this info, but I'd also have moved on when he was ogling other women on early dates. I mean he showed you from the beginning that you weren't the apple of his eye so to speak.

 

Yes, this.

 

This is waaaay more concerning than an answer he gave you when you cornered him with an odd question IMO.

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I would wake up next to my ex, her hair was a mess, she was snoring and her morning breath was awful and I still thought she was absolutely stunning. She could've walked out of the house wearing a brown paper bag and I would've thought she was gorgeous.

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Ninjainpajamas

Personal experience for me is I always prefer women naturale than all done up, it just has this like over-done feeling for me otherwise, as I've gotten older I can see right through the bright array of colors and toning known as make-up, and the elegant dress that hugs your body the right way or fancy stylish attire, it just kind of blocks or masks the real woman behind it and I filter right through it.

 

I like women who are just themselves, it doesn't matter if they're all done up and just had their hair done. But then some women complain that they don't have that "natural" beauty that those other women do, and it's really not "natural" but the illusion of it.

 

I think he should believe you are beautiful to him and that's important in the long-term, he should have eyes for you and be into you...if he doesn't, that just doesn't mean he isn't that attracted to you but he's just not that into you overall IMO as men are very visually driven. And I've seen guys enamored with a woman I didn't even think was remotely that appealing and I'm sure I've been smitten for a woman who I might have just had a "thing" about her and wasn't necessarily ready to be on the cover of Maxim but I thought she was great and I didn't care what anyone else thought.

 

A lot of people kind of settle though, that's pretty normal behavior for both genders that I've seen...sometimes they try to develop some other kind of connection even though the physicality of it isn't quite there, and I'm not sure that you could accept it for yourself, but I don't agree with you that a man should make you feel beautiful I think women should also have a healthy self-esteem, but I know what you mean with the compliments and feedback..I do think that's necessary for men to compliment his partner in a relationship but he shouldn't have to be over the top about it and consistent or you get upset...you asking him if you're beautiful is showing some insecurity on your part but I can also understand that while you think those other men found you so magical that he should too...but you need to realize a lot men lie out of their teeth to get the booty and become easily excited at times, after all it's not like they stuck around and this guy has.

 

This doesn't by any means mean you can let yourself go and look like crap and still expect to be lavished in compliments, I thought self-maintenance is important for everybody but he should otherwise feel you are the "apple of his eye" but you also risk this being a misunderstanding about how he feels or what he thinks about you, however the fact that he's looking and ogling at different women, in my opinion is just telling that he isn't that committed or necessarily a one woman kind of man, he's definitely eye-shopping, it's ok to look out of the corner of your eye, but if he's blatant about it then he sounds like the type of guy that is looking for the grass is greener if the option presents itself.

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While I agree with others that you really should not have asked such a question, his answer to it is definitely not pleasant.

 

I would not feel comfortable at all with that kind of response.

 

 

It's the times when I look the worst that my boyfriend calls me beautiful. Right when I've woken up from a nap, right as I step out of the shower looking like a drowned rat, when I'm sick with pneumonia curled up in bed, etc.

 

 

I KNOW I don't look beautiful in those moments, and I know he can't possibly actually find me stunning in those moments, but he has a reason for saying it to me. He wants me to be comfortable around him. Happy around him. I know he would feel hurt if I didn't feel comfortable having him see me at the worst, waking up with pneumonia, no makeup, my hair all over the place.

 

 

That's why I think it's not his actual opinion on the matter that effects us most(I wouldn't blame him for actually thinking I look a mess) - it's the GESTURE that counts. And your boyfriend clearly could've made a nice gesture about it, but instead took the insensitive route.

 

 

Is your boyfriend maybe a bit socially awkward? If so, perhaps he doesn't realize the no-no of saying something like that.

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