lauramarie Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 I became close to a prof i had this year...i had a crush on him and he very much encouraged it..he singled me out in class alot...flirted with me when we were together..always asked me to drop by his office etc etc..he's leaving the country for about a year soon and he told me he was going to be in town this week before his final moving day..he told me he was going to email me to get some coffee together..but he has yet to email me for this coffee..i don't want to email him and look desperate but i'm starting to feel really bad about it..help! Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 Sounds totally brutal what I say now, but if he is not all over you and thinks you are his soulmate, etc., he will probably forget you. A year is long, foreign countries are there to be explored and, well, "enjoyed". He will be so excited about the new place there is probably no time or longing to remember what went in his old place. And from my experience, a lot of people who are abroad have get new partners and change them more often than at home. You are alone, maybe you feel a bit lonely, especiall if you don´t speak their language well,it´s easy to connect with other expats who are also alone, so one leads to another. Even when they have jobs, it will always feel a bit like carefree vacation and people are just more willing for adventures. I think he is not emailing you, because he doesn´t want to create false hope. And if you email him he will tell you an excuse. This is what I predict, but you might want to email him anyway to show him that you like him, but I don´t think it will change anything. He will probably also think you are still very young and get over him in a year. What I said is maybe not what you wanted to hear, but you should be warned a bit. I could also be quite wrong. Now I´m inclined to say send him an email, then you will know for sure.... Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 Lauramarie, Please do not go have coffee with this professor! This is totally unethical for him to suggest, IMHO, unless there is a large group of students going together. Please be careful as this could get him in trouble and you in some weird situation as well. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted August 19, 2004 Share Posted August 19, 2004 I would say it depends on her age maybe if she should go out with him or not and if she will have him as professor in the future or not. But I think she should be careful not to invest too much emotions as he is leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauramarie Posted August 19, 2004 Author Share Posted August 19, 2004 I'm 20...i think he is around 35-37..he has never mentioned a wife or gf to me..we've been to coffee before(with 2 other students though) and we've spent time alone before..i'm just not sure what to do now...he's not emailing me..should I take this as he's not interested or that maybe with the moving and everything..he's just too busy and I should be more patiient?? Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 Originally posted by lauramarie I'm 20...i think he is around 35-37..he has never mentioned a wife or gf to me..we've been to coffee before(with 2 other students though) and we've spent time alone before..i'm just not sure what to do now...he's not emailing me..should I take this as he's not interested or that maybe with the moving and everything..he's just too busy and I should be more patiient?? My personal view is simply he doesn´t want to look as if he is making commitments or create more hope. He might have been flirting without really looking at the consequences and now he´s realizing it. You either wait and hope he will write you, maybe he will answer when he has left already or you ask him. If I was right he will probably tell you some excuse. But I also can´t say if you should ask your prof or not, I´m not American, I think the professors there are more laid back, but I don´t know how much. That´s up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauramarie Posted August 20, 2004 Author Share Posted August 20, 2004 so basically..i should assume that he was a royal jerk off for leading me on?? i wish i could.. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 Originally posted by kooky He might have been flirting without really looking at the consequences and now he´s realizing it. Lauramarie: I'm betting that the above was why he hasn't written. He could lose his job if it led to anything more than being friends. He probably realizes that he may be attracted to you and he would be putting himself in a dangerous situation. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 Lauramarie, I don´t know him and I didn´t call him a jerk. To get back to your first post - do you just want to have a coffee with him or more, a long-distance relationship for example? Do you want to drink coffee with him and talk about god and the world and say good-bye or are you hoping for a love declaration and vows to wait till he comes back? The latter is very unlikely. Shamen´s opinion is that he acted unethical to flirt with you. Well, I wouldn´t call it unethical, but at least it´s not very professional and I also don´t think very responsible. If there were deeper feelings involved he probably wouldn´t do it in front of the class, this is not a very discreet way to avoid rumors and gossip. A long-distance relationship is also very very unlikely for the reasons I stated before. He is leaving this country for a long time and he is probably very busy right now organizing things, maybe he just forgot to call you, that in itself is a bad sign if someone interested in you is forgetting you. I don´t say he isn´t interested in you, but right now you are probably not on the top position of his priority list, I´m sorry to say that. I don´t say this for fun, neither do I want to hurt your feelings nor do I want to degrade him. This is just a personal view from the outside based on my experiences. Every situation is a little bit different, every person is a little bit different and I can´t tell you what´s going on in his head, but if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, then I think it´s a duck, but it still could be something else, I´m not a duck expert. If you are in love with him and think he is in love with you, too, then call him, so you won´t think you missed any chances and you will not torture yourself with: "What if, etc.... (Help, someone else say something) Link to post Share on other sites
Author lauramarie Posted August 20, 2004 Author Share Posted August 20, 2004 thanks for the advice guys and girls...i dont think I would want a relationship with him cuz he is coming back to teach at my university in a year..but i just find it odd that he hasn't even emailed me to say he's too busy for coffee...i'd prefer that to no email at all!!! thing is..we have a really fun time together..and the last time we saw each other I thought it was the last time we were together before he left so I was wishing him good luck for his year away and he was the one who kept saying he was going to email me and we'd go out...i was ready to say goodbye! that's what bugs me...he should have just said nothing if he didn't mean it...cuz now if and when i see him again..it's gonna be weird for me.. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 Lauramarie: I would totally stop worrying about it. No reason to feel weird. By the time he gets back, he will, I'm sure, have completely forgotten about the invite. To be honest, sometimes people just say invites and don't really mean it. No offense, but yeah, this absolutely happens. That's why there's the proverbial, "Let's do lunch." Does this suck? Yes. It does. Should he not have said it if he didn't mean it? No, he shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Maybe he did mean it, but realized later that it was a bad idea. All kinds of variables here. Just be careful in the future when it comes to professors, PLEASE! Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 It is against the ethics of the profession. Simply forget about it. It will take you no where. Link to post Share on other sites
amer Posted August 20, 2004 Share Posted August 20, 2004 consider that e probably generates a lot of such emails. you are way to young for him even if you two were on a level playig field--which you are not. why not look around you on campus and see all those guys at your school about your own age? you don't need this guy messing up your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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