Choosing to stay single despite options

[SoulSoldier]

Those who have been on LS for a while might remember my posts last year about a boyfriend who was emotionally distant. I was in denial for a while but finally wised up and broke up with him. Cut off all contact with him and haven't heard from him since.

 

Since then I've done the online dating thing casually, been asked out by dozens of guys, even dated a few though broke things up before it reached the exclusive stage. I'm still in touch with a few guys who have expressed interest in me.

 

Just yesterday I ended things with the latest guy. We had been talking since late November and did video chatting through December, became friends and then he asked me out. On paper he was the perfect guy. Educated. Attractive. Many similar interests. The problem? Things were so dull when we video chatted. Literally, the conversations were the most awkward ever. I consider myself shy but I can be talkative. He would barely say two words no matter what we talked about--and before you say it was lack of interest on his part, it wasn't as he continually told me how he wanted to be with me. Being that video chat is a pretty good representation of in person, I told him yesterday that I didn't feel chemistry, would like to be friends and don't have time for a romantic relationship.

 

And I wasn't blowing him off either--because I realized something these past few days: while I want marriage and kids, I don't want either right now. I'm 25, a college graduate who is working as a project manager. In addition, I'm taking on extra work to pay off debt and pay for a couple of trips this year. I'm building a business and setting myself up to buy a house by years end. I currently have a very full life with family, my nieces/nephews, friends, training for a 10K, pets etc. With working so much and filling my life with family etc. I'd have very little time for a relationship.

 

The other aspect of this is, let's face it, there's always at least a little drama or stress in a relationship. Couples fight, even the best ones do. Being in a relationship is stressful at times and stress isn't conducive to working a lot of hours. Something's gotta give and it's either the relationship or your work. Because being financially in a better spot is so important to me right now, the relationship is going to have to go on the back burner.

 

The other thing I realized is that you shouldn't settle. It may be tempting to so as to avoid being single, but it's not a good idea. For instance, I could have settled for the latest guy but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have ever been completely happy. You have to know what you want and so long as it's reasonable, don't be afraid to go for it and not settle for less. It's not fair to you or the person you're settling for if you don't.

 

Another thing I realized is my jumping from guy to guy (and by that I mean, breaking up and then getting to know someone new right away) did me no good. It set me back in my goals because I was so distracted. And it made me realized that I was only doing this to fill a void in my life. I previously felt worthless when single. Now I've refocused on my goals. I know now that a relationship should add to your life, but it should not make your life worth living.

 

So why post this? I think it's worth it to create a discussion on why it's not a bad thing to choose to stay single, for those who maybe feel like they're looked down upon for it. It doesn't make you a relationship phobe or damaged. Quite the opposite, it gives you a chance to better yourself and thus offer more in your next relationship.

[CrystalCastles]

I've actually decided that myself, so I can relate.

 

I'm doing a chem honours degree plus a math minor, plus I volunteer, go to the gym twice a week and take dance classes every week. I cannot fit a boyfriend into that schedule no matter how much I wanted to. Most men I know, who I consider good catches, are all single, working their butts off to complete their degrees with the highest marks possible (they're all in chem, math, physics or engineering) so there's no one really available to date either. I think when you are young, you need to focus on your career, building connections, discovering yourself and what you like, travelling, and then later in life, settling.

 

I think with that kind of thinking, however, you still have to keep an open mind. If Mr. Perfect walks into your life next year, I wouldn't say to throw him away simply because your schedule is tight. You'll lose out on the opportunity to be with a wonderful man simply because you're busy.

 

So, don't actively seek but keep your options open and if the right man runs into you, don't chase him away!

[SoulSoldier]

If Mr. Perfect walks into your life next year, I wouldn't say to throw him away simply because your schedule is tight. You'll lose out on the opportunity to be with a wonderful man simply because you're busy.

 

So, don't actively seek but keep your options open and if the right man runs into you, don't chase him away!

 

Exactly! If the right person comes along, you have to give it a chance and see where it goes. I think, though, that there's a tendency to keep seeking out the next relationship, almost desperately, and this keeps people from achieving their goals. Like in my case, I'd previously obsess over being single and finding a relationship. I think when you decide to focus on you (yet be open to a relationship if the right one comes along), life is more enjoyable and peaceful.