avoforastig Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I recently went on two dates with a woman with a great personality. She seems kind, has a great sense of humor, we have a lot in common, and she seems to like me a lot. After my first date with her, I was very enchanted with her personality as the last woman I dated really lacked a sense of humor. During our second date, I had a better opportunity to evaluate her from a physical standpoint. Being honest with myself, I don't find her very sexually attractive. She may be a little excessively nerdy for my taste as well. Although, some of my best friends are quite nerdy and so am I so I could probably deal with it. Part of her issue is she may not be presenting herself as well as possible. I've discovered recently that presenting yourself well really makes a big difference. Fashionable(not necessarily expensive), well fitting clothes and grooming really seem to go a long way with enhancing your attractiveness. I feel really shallow, but I honestly sort of lost interest in her due to a lack of physical attraction. I'd say I'm a man of average attractiveness, typically dating women I'd consider an average of 6-8. I have another date scheduled with her, should I cancel or try to overlook this? How do I know if I am trying to date women out of my league? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Chemistry / physical attraction is huge for me but it's about the person. You can always buy them new clothes. My gorgeous husband wore the worst polyester blends when I 1st met him; I created a monster but wow he looks even better now. Leagues are BS. People are people. Leagues only matter in sports. If you think somebody is attractive, strike up a conversation. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Go on a date near a mall and then walk through the mall, commenting on the mannequins in the window, "You'd look good in a dress like that." "Something like that would look great on you." If you continue to date, for her birthday buy something. If she wears her own clothes, you could comment about them, "You look so sexy in those tight jeans/low cut sweater, that color," etc. Or just state preferences, "I think those textured tights look so sexy with a plain black skirt." It's easier to change the outside than the inside. A friend of mine gradually changed her nerdy guy over a year and he looked great. He didn't seem to mind at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thegreatestthing Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 You're not going yo be able to change her tastes permantly,usually if you're into someone they can wear pajamas and you still feel attracted to them,something is off to you about this girl and I don't think you'll be able to fix it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SunnySide0418 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 What you are desribing feeling for her is friendship. Did you want to kiss her? Be close to her? If not, I'd say move on. I think you are either attracted to the person or not and you can tell this no matter what they are wearing. It's either there or it's not and it sounds like it's not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Mandatory. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
winny Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Yes, its one of the mandatory things... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author avoforastig Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 I think you are all probably right. I have another date planned with her, but I think I should own up. Any tips on breaking things off easy? Link to post Share on other sites
abby_tx Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I'd suggest going on this third date and if it really isn't there by this point, during the date act really neutral and unflirty so she figures it out on her own. I have dated guys I wasn't attracted to in the beginning. After a first date with a guy, I told my friends how hideous he was, but each date after he got more and more handsome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Well, most women are 5 - 6's. Most of us are average. Most people have to get to know one another minus much physical attraction. The thing is, physical chemistry and physical attraction are to entirely different ball games. I have had physical chemistry with average guys, and I have lacked it with better looking men. You can have bucket loads of chemistry with a women who may not be petite and graceful looking, but rather, has a large nose and isn't all that slim. This women is probably average looking, not "unattractive" I am also average yet I find men who have loads of chemistry with me and thing I am gorgeous - let this woman go and find a man who has chemistry with her I say. She will know if you lack sexual chemistry. Girls tend to know if something is off regarding sex and the urge of their partners to get physically intimate and close.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avoforastig Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 Well, most women are 5 - 6's. Most of us are average. Most people have to get to know one another minus much physical attraction. The thing is, physical chemistry and physical attraction are to entirely different ball games. I have had physical chemistry with average guys, and I have lacked it with better looking men. You can have bucket loads of chemistry with a women who may not be petite and graceful looking, but rather, has a large nose and isn't all that slim. This women is probably average looking, not "unattractive" I am also average yet I find men who have loads of chemistry with me and thing I am gorgeous - let this woman go and find a man who has chemistry with her I say. She will know if you lack sexual chemistry. Girls tend to know if something is off regarding sex and the urge of their partners to get physically intimate and close.. I'm probably a bit generous on my grading scale. I'd say she is probably pretty average, but its a very subjective thing. I'm really trying not to be shallow, I have had relationships with women that were certainly far from ideal. I most likely probably just feel there just isn't quite enough attraction in general. Do you think I am being shallow? Is it wrong to want to be physically attracted to your mate? All my girlfriends in the past have had at least some aspect of their physical appearance I lusted for at times, even after a few years of being together. I was actually much more physically attracted to a woman who I dated just before her. but broke it off because her personality was terrible. Ideally, I'd like to find someone who I enjoy there personality but also find physically attractive to some extent. They don't need to be supermodels, but some sort of attractive feature would be nice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I'm probably a bit generous on my grading scale. I'd say she is probably pretty average, but its a very subjective thing. I'm really trying not to be shallow, I have had relationships with women that were certainly far from ideal. I most likely probably just feel there just isn't quite enough attraction in general. Do you think I am being shallow? Is it wrong to want to be physically attracted to your mate? All my girlfriends in the past have had at least some aspect of their physical appearance I lusted for at times, even after a few years of being together. I was actually much more physically attracted to a woman who I dated just before her. but broke it off because her personality was terrible. Ideally, I'd like to find someone who I enjoy there personality but also find physically attractive to some extent. They don't need to be supermodels, but some sort of attractive feature would be nice. First off, you need to let her down gently. How would she feel if, later down the track, she were to find out that her boyfriend actually came on a forum to lament a little her lack of attractiveness? I am telling you, you can find a girl who feels like a real winner WITHOUT her being stunning looking. But yes, you DO need to physical desire her. I know what you mean about needing one or two nice features. I'm fairly average looking yet I do have some very nice features, therefore I have no problem finding men who are attracted to me. A nice feature or two goes a long way. Is there any features you like of this girl? Can you find 1 or 2 nice features? At the end of the day, it is how I feel about a guy chemistry wise. Some guys just make me super excited to date them. I am sure there is a girl out there who is no better looking than this current girl, yet who you will lust after due to stronger chemistry. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I admit, this has gotten me into trouble in the past. I am still trying to move past certain things with the last guy I was with. He was mean to me and has in general a horrible personality, but he was cute as a doll and had a body unlike anything I have ever seen lately. I have to remind myself that he doesn't deserve me and not to fall for it again should he decide To yank my chain anymore. As to the question in general, looks are important to these degrees. If the person doesn't care for their appearance, doesn't bother with anything, it's a turn off. I had a kid who I tutored for a brief period who never washed or bathed or brushed her teeth or brushed her hair. No really. I asked why, she said she didn't have to look nice for anyone. It was actually an act of defiance on her part she was a messed up person. I am one of two extremes in terms of looks (we are talking about the face): pretty boys or monsters. I think it's because of the teen idols as kids and because going for the monster is punk rock. Ha ha ha... Below the neck? Well quite honestly if the person is not in decent shape it's a turn off for me. Doesn't have to be a six pack abs and perfectly toned, it has to be decent. I used to be 45 lbs heavier than I am now and I can tell the difference in how people treat me. Even total strangers that I interact with for one reason or another. If you don't make caring for yourself a priority then you will suffer the consequences. That is not having people take you seriously. Are looks the only thing? No, they aren't. But that is the first thing others will see and what they remember about you when you leave the room. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Very important. Seperates the men from the boys (or in other words, lovers from friends). Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Absolutely essential. They don't need to be toned like a fitness model - I don't expect a girl to be in the same sort of shape as me - but I do have to genuinely believe she's attractive/pretty. This is where types come in... I'm always more drawn to short or average height blondes with a few curves. Typically I find that type more attractive than most guys will, whilst I'd be much less interested in the tall slim redhead. The right girl won't necessarily cause road accidents, but I'll be into her as if she did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I feel really shallow, but I honestly sort of lost interest in her due to a lack of physical attraction. I'd say I'm a man of average attractiveness, typically dating women I'd consider an average of 6-8. I have another date scheduled with her, should I cancel or try to overlook this? How do I know if I am trying to date women out of my league? This sounds like you're really trying to talk yourself into continuing to see her in order to avoid appearing shallow. This is different than realizing there is something special there compatibility-wise but you have a misgiving or two about your level of attraction toward her. I know how you feel, though. I always took rejection so hard that I never had the heart to be the rejector myself -- I pulled the fade thing once or twice, but that was it. After all, I always had a very difficult time attracting first dates -- what right did I have to be picky? But, no matter how good or bad looking you are, going into a relationship feeling like you never had that initial infatuation phase has definite drawbacks. I don't recommend it. When my son starts dating, one of the first things I'm telling him is that he should never feel he HAS to date a particular person, no matter how lousy it would feel to reject her. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 If I'm not attracted to you physically, it's not going to happen. I used to ONLY date women who were fit/athletic/slim, but took a chance on a so-called "average" woman. With her now! Whoop whoop! Honey, she's not AVERAGE in any sense of the word! But, she is also into fitness, so our values are compatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 At the end of date sit her down somewhere semi-private & say something along the lines of I think you are a terrific person but I'm just not feeling the chemistry. It wouldn't be fair to either of us to keep dating. I hope you understand. Good luck. It was nice meeting you. Then leave. If you picked her up for the date, this conversation should happen in your car as you are dropping her off. Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 How did it come to pass that you ever went on one date with her if you aren't attracted in some way? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Physical attractiveness is the first thing people notice when looking for a mate. You always notice the cute or beautiful women first, because, well it's human nature. You would be going against nature if you didn't notice the most fertile and beautiful women. That being said, I personally thing physical attractiveness is vital. And I don't mean any generic type of beauty either. As long as you're attracted to this person, that's important (whether they are beautiful by societal standards or not). I once dated a guy that I wasn't attracted to AT ALL, but I figure to give it a chance cuz he was a nice guy. One and a half years later, I end up leaving him anyway because I just CANT have sex with him. He doesn't turn me on in the least, and even though the relationship grew to be something wonderful, I simply wasn't in love with him or even remotely romantically interested. So if the physical attraction/chemistry isn't there at the start, it won't ever just appear. And don't mistake attractiveness for giving a crap about their appearance. I think what you're talking about here is how a woman presents herself, and I agree, if you don't put your best foot forward and show up not looking your best, it shows that you a) don't respect yourself and b) don't respect your date. I find it really disrespectful when I dress up nice and my dates come in jeans and sneakers. I've walked out on men like that before too. I'm not gonna walk around like a hotsy totsy while I get to feel embarassed that I look like I'm with my little bro. Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 (edited) This is not a question someone can answer for you. It depends on what you want from a woman at this time of your life. When I was younger I was not interested in anything serious - in fact I hadn't even thought of it. I never liked one night stands but I wasn't dating guys thinking I may marry them one day, it was something in the middle, having something relevantly serious but not too serious. Back then I was kinda interested if someone was good looking and charming. After having had some bad guys though that made me hurt, and after reaching a certain age when I understood myself and what I wanted from my life, I realized that what I wanted is a nice guy, regardless of his looks, and that's what I searched for. Only out of luck my fiance is considered a good looking guy, but I would feel the same things for him even if he was ugly. So if you want some girl with whom you'll have something serious, I'd suggest you give it a second thought about rejecting this good woman you describe. If you want to just have fun, let her go and you find someone more beautiful. Edited January 30, 2014 by Iguanna Link to post Share on other sites
Danger Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Attraction lands you the interview....personality gets you the "job". Attraction is a must, you don't have sex with a personality. Link to post Share on other sites
MixedUpChick Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I once dated a guy that I wasn't attracted to AT ALL, but I figure to give it a chance cuz he was a nice guy. One and a half years later, I end up leaving him anyway because I just CANT have sex with him. He doesn't turn me on in the least, and even though the relationship grew to be something wonderful, I simply wasn't in love with him or even remotely romantically interested. I don't think I could string someone along for a year and a half, that seems... wow. I'd also be pissed if a man did that to me. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 And don't mistake attractiveness for giving a crap about their appearance. I think what you're talking about here is how a woman presents herself, and I agree, if you don't put your best foot forward and show up not looking your best, it shows that you a) don't respect yourself and b) don't respect your date. I agree. The first thing that crossed my mind when the OP raised this issue was that I'd classify this more under personality/character than physical attractiveness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I don't think I could string someone along for a year and a half, that seems... wow. I'd also be pissed if a man did that to me. I didn't necessarily string him along. I just didn't think that no chemistry was a big deal, because those I have chemistry with never works out, and with him (no chemistry)... well he was husband material for the most part, so I figured I would sacrifice my sexy dominant men for this good guy. And I was good to him, I didn't cheat, we had a very stable and healthy relationship (well aside from the sex). We learned a lot from each other as well, and we both grew a great deal. Link to post Share on other sites
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