add2718 Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 I started seeing someone new about two weeks ago. She's very nice and sweet and really into me, and I was really into her at first too, but after about a week or so, I found myself becoming very indifferent to her. I'm not sure how much longer to give it until I break it off with her... no more than a month I would think. We have been intimate already and I know that was probably a mistake. I wish I knew whether I was just not into this girl or if I'm just not into a relationship right now overall... I think it's just her though... Nothing about her is really grabbing me and I think I'm just with her out of boredom. All I know is I've been feeling really anxious and not myself lately. I care about her and do not want to string her along or just use her for sex, but I just don't feel that "spark" with her (yet?). any advice would be appreciated, thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 I think you have answered your own question. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 Yes... if it looks like a clusterphukk, walks like a clusterphukk and sounds like a clusterphukk..... Guess what? Do the right thing, be fair to her and be a decent bloke. And fer chrissakes do NOT have 'break-up' sex with her!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 The one time I've had break-up sex (after breaking up, not before, so we both knew the score!!!), it was actually pretty awesome. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 ...which is great, if you both know what's happening and why.... I was really speaking from the PoV of the OP having sex with her THEN dumping her, without her being aware of his intention beforehand. It happens. I don't think it should though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author add2718 Posted January 29, 2014 Author Share Posted January 29, 2014 I was really speaking from the PoV of the OP having sex with her THEN dumping her, without her being aware of his intention beforehand. It happens. I don't think it should though. I hadn't planned on doing that. I'm hesitant now to be intimate with her again with all this anxiety I have about things. Me and her don't click very well sexually anyway. I'm even indifferent towards having sex with her right now, ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Jive Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 I started seeing someone new about two weeks ago. She's very nice and sweet and really into me, and I was really into her at first too, but after about a week or so, I found myself becoming very indifferent to her. I'm not sure how much longer to give it until I break it off with her... no more than a month I would think. We have been intimate already and I know that was probably a mistake. I wish I knew whether I was just not into this girl or if I'm just not into a relationship right now overall... I think it's just her though... Nothing about her is really grabbing me and I think I'm just with her out of boredom. All I know is I've been feeling really anxious and not myself lately. I care about her and do not want to string her along or just use her for sex, but I just don't feel that "spark" with her (yet?). any advice would be appreciated, thanks. I'm in a very similar situation as you, only I think it might be a mutual disinterest which makes things easier. And add to that the fact that we have only kissed. When we kissed after the second date, it freaked me out that there wasn't a spark. You just know... When something is off. If the spark isn't there to begin with then it will be very hard to move forward with the relationship because you're just going to be digging yourself a hole until it comes time to break up with the poor girl. If your heart just truly isn't into it, I would let her know and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 I don't think you can expect a "spark" to magically appear if it wasn't there from the beginning.....especially only 2 weeks in. Be kind, let her down now and don't be intimate again! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 I hadn't planned on doing that. I'm hesitant now to be intimate with her again with all this anxiety I have about things. Me and her don't click very well sexually anyway. I'm even indifferent towards having sex with her right now, ugh. In that case, break up with her, gently, sooner rather than later - and please - Face to face, ok? Don't text! Just in case you were thinking of it..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExposedBrick Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 In that case, break up with her, gently, sooner rather than later - and please - Face to face, ok? Don't text! Just in case you were thinking of it..... In the future, I'd recommend not sleeping with a woman unless she presents a consistent level of interest. You seem like you mean well and probably best just to let her down softly. I'm sure you have probably been in a situation where your interest in someone is lopsided and you may be unaware if the OP's lack of interest. Unfortunately, both parties tend to go through the motions for a few dates if the other person isn't appauling. It's hard to fight those sexual urges but I always regret having a sex if I'm not into the woman. It's usually counterproductive and I see no reason to burn bridges. Link to post Share on other sites
SYLLPalmer Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 I just wanted to say thank you for the wake up call OP. I agree with the consensus here that you are a good a well meaning fellow which makes your post all the more eye opening. Take home message from the OP for me is: Sexual tension creates the illusion of the spark. Time spent differentiates the source. Thank you OP and all posters. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 29, 2014 Share Posted January 29, 2014 How long to give it to feel that "spark"? How long is your life? Each of us is different. Some people know 'immediately' that there's a spark of limerence to grow. Others discover it later. For some it never happens. IMO, if you've already had sexual relations with her and don't 'feel' like getting to know her better and growing that intimacy your shared, I'd move on now. Lastly, if you know your 'style' of feeling 'spark', respect it. It's synergy you seek. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amelia81 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Don't give let it drag on for three months like the guy I was seeing a year ago did. It broke my heart. I found out when he broke up with me that all along he felt something was missing but continued to sleep with me, future planning and spent entire weekends together at his suggestion in the hope whatever was 'missing' would develop for him, just because I 'ticked all the boxes' and in his mind he wanted it to work. So incredibly selfish of him to drag on for so long and knocked me for six when he actually told me how he really felt. I was also hurt because he knew how id been messed about in the past and promised me he wouldn't do that and it would be a waste of his time too to see someone he wasn't interested in. Gosh it still makes me angry writing this! Most people know in the first couple of weeks of dating and going beyond that is wasting time and playing with peoples feelings, I think if you are asking the question then you know the answer. If in your heart you liked someone and wanted to be with them, then the question would not even appear in your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 Most people know right away after the first date, if they are really excited about a person. While some people take a few months to really grow fond of a person. It depends what you want and what your romance style is. One guy on here stressed to me that it is unrealistic to meet a person whom you are crazy about, or head over heels for after the first date. However, my boyfriend was crazy about me from date one, and so was my good friends boyfriend (from date one). A lot of people prefer the slow burn, where you meet some you really like as a person, and due to their fantastic character and awesome personality, they continue to date them long term. They don't feel the spark for them, but it grows over many months. The last example is akin to having a good friend who you suddenly find yourself falling for. They didn't evoke strong feelings to begin with and you are kind of indifferent towards them in a romantic sense, until one day you really you are quiet fond of them. Personally, I need an instant spark. I would rather be single and find a guy who is really into be from date one, opposed to wait months for him to "grow" into me. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 I need that instant spark myself if just a little one somehow. I think if you are having these doubts you should break it off ASAP. You will find another reason later on. Sometimes it's just "not right", and it sounds like this is not right. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 For me I've found it can take up to three or four dates, depending on how quickly we find common ground, early date nerves, etc. So if I think a girl is attractive, nice etc, I will almost always give it that long before deciding anything. Sometimes it's there from date one. But I'm not always great at establishing that connection with someone, so I can't rely on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author add2718 Posted January 30, 2014 Author Share Posted January 30, 2014 She has already been essentially calling us BF and GF but I have not done the same. I'm not seeing anyone else, I just don't feel comfortable making that step right now. Last night she was having a birthday dinner for her mom and she invited me over. I told her I wasn't ready for that yet. She said it was "no big deal" but I think it's a little early to start meeting her parents. Obviously I am not as into this relationship as she is... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 What's your biggest fear regarding transparency? IMO, if you can share your genitals with another person in the most intimate way humans can, you can be transparent with them and accept the results. Try it Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 im also in a similar situation. dating someone who doesnt give me the spark and the butterflies in my stmach feeling I get from excitement. its just in cruise mode now. had this POW thing with my last GF. dont know what to do. not sure how interested she is in me. not sure where its leading. but her disinterest or quietness is bringing disinterest in me and its in a loop. Im not 100% certain shes interested although she says very much so. but usually those who were interested always showed it and this one is playing it cool and its driving me away. theres no passion. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted January 30, 2014 Share Posted January 30, 2014 You are not that into her, which is okay. Better break it off now better than later. If I don't feel a spark instantly, I move on. All of my emotions/expectations are built upon the initial spark. My experience is that if there is no spark in the beginning, I can still end up liking the girl, but only as friends. IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts