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flipped out on go now I feel bad


DLM77

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Two months ago my gf's ex husband passed suddenly. He left behind they're 19 year old daughter who lives with us. For a good part of those two months some of her father's belongings have been laying on my living room floor. It's only a briefcase and safe full of important papers.

 

Last week I asked my gf if she could get rid of those items as I'm getting sick of seeing them everyday just laying there. A week goes by and the stuff is still sitting yhere. When I came home last night there was many more of his item s sitting there from his apartment. Some of which we agreed could come, many of which wasn't agreed apon.

 

Needless to say I flipped out. I flipped out knowing the items will be sitting there a long time before something is done with them. Her daughter is a slob and leaves dirty clothes in the bathroom/living room like she is the only one who lives there.

 

My gf is handling a lot of his paperwork which is her argument for the briefcase and safe sitting yhere. When she didn't remove them last week I felt disrespected. On top of that all the others things that are laying there now.

 

I tried being understanding and patient but I lost it last night. Now I feel like a bad guy with no understanding.

 

The daughter heard me yelling last night about everything and is now upset with both of us...am i wrong for feeling this way?

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Philosoraptor

You're not wrong for feeling that way... but you could have went about it a better way. You have someone working on her ex husbands paperwork and a daughter obviously grieving.

 

What has stopped you from moving the items? I'm sure there is a better place in the house for them... or even a tiny storage unit somewhere to keep them in until they are ready to deal with them?

 

The daughter being a slob is another subject... but if these particular items were bothering you... and two grieving people are not taking action... you still had the opportunity to. "I put them in the attic to get them out of the middle of the room, just wanted to let you know in case you were looking for them".

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You're not wrong for feeling that way... but you could have went about it a better way. You have someone working on her ex husbands paperwork and a daughter obviously grieving.

 

What has stopped you from moving the items? I'm sure there is a better place in the house for them... or even a tiny storage unit somewhere to keep them in until they are ready to deal with them?

 

The daughter being a slob is another subject... but if these particular items were bothering you... and two grieving people are not taking action... you still had the opportunity to. "I put them in the attic to get them out of the middle of the room, just wanted to let you know in case you were looking for them".

 

Yes I suppose I didn't need to yell like I did, but it was building and when I saw nothing being done about it I felt disrespected in my own home. My gf excuse was simply that she didn't want them moved because she needed them for tax purposes. I have tax documents that aren't laying out so why should his?

 

As far as putting them away myself. The daughter has said many times she doesn't want anyone touching his or her stuff. So no that is out of the question me handling it myself.

 

Grieving or not life doesn't shut down and daily duties don't stop just because one is grieving. I've lost many loved ones including my mother at a young age. I feel and understand for her, but leaving her cloths and shoes laying around the house like a slob is the problem here. I'm stressed because I know her father's belongings will sit there like all the other things because her mother let's her.

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Everyone makes mistakes. Just try to be understanding. Can you explain the need for those things to be put away and maybe again offer to help them clear the space?

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Based on your posting history, it sounds like you should really consider getting separate homes (or breaking up altogether). I'd give it another couple of weeks, so its not so close to the ex's passing, but start looking into alternatve living arrangements now.

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Everyone makes mistakes. Just try to be understanding. Can you explain the need for those things to be put away and maybe again offer to help them clear the space?

 

It's difficult being understanding especially since all of his belongings reek of cigarette smoke.

 

I feel like I'm in a very bad spot and no matter what I'm gonna look like a bad guy if I speak up.

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Based on your posting history, it sounds like you should really consider getting separate homes (or breaking up altogether). I'd give it another couple of weeks, so its not so close to the ex's passing, but start looking into alternatve living arrangements now.

 

Really? Honestly there are other things going on in our relationship and from her past that has me second guessing our relationship so I agree.

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I never really understood why the death of an EX should play that big of a part on your current relationship.

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I never really understood why the death of an EX should play that big of a part on your current relationship.

 

I would not be surprised if gf still had some lingering feelings. It would be somewhat natural. Also, a loss of someone who was in your life for so long and had a child with you would affect you somehow, no?

 

She's probably feeling a little nostalgic, of course sad, and vulnerable, mortal. The death of someone, however distant, would do that.

 

She's likely just trying to come to terms with the death of her ex...put it in perspective. Not b/c she yearns to be back with him or will necessarily miss him, but b/c the loss itself is sensitive enough.

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I never really understood why the death of an EX should play that big of a part on your current relationship.

 

Speaking from experience - if you haven't been through it, it's very difficult to understand.

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acrosstheuniverse
I never really understood why the death of an EX should play that big of a part on your current relationship.

 

My mum died when I was 22, her and my dad had been divorced a decade and my dad remarried for six-ish years. He dropped everything to be with us at the hospital as she died, loaned my brother and I the deposit for the funeral we needed it and spent a lot of time with us helping to sort everything out. His wife was absolutely fine with it, and came to the funeral.

 

For some parents, knowing that their child has just lost their parent is very, very upsetting. Most of us are sad when a friend dies, and exes reside in that awkward spot where they were once much MORE than friends but as they are exes it's frowned upon to still care or be sad. But it's normal to be upset at the passing of anybody you love or once loved, even moreso if you're distraught over being about to watch your child go through hell for many months.

 

Thank god my dad, my mum's partner, and my stepmum were all mature enough to put their own feelings aside and be a team to help support my brother and I through the most traumatic thing either of us had ever experienced. I can't tell you how much worse it would have been if any of them had started acting pissy over some belongings lying around.

 

OP if you had some issues with your girlfriend's daughter being a slob you should have addressed that before, and if you weren't happy with the outcome decided whether or not to remain in the relationship. Right now while her dad has died is not the time to start coming down heavy on her. And as for the stuff with your girlfriend, I am shocked anybody can be this insensitive. As Philosoraptor said, what's wrong with moving them somewhere yourself and letting her know what you've done? Way to go, hope you felt like the big man losing it with somebody who has just lost somebody important in their life.

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When you say you flipped out, what exactly did you say and do?

 

I just yelled mostly. Told her she was disrespectful for not making those items disappear last week when I asked.

 

It's not just about my gf, my yelling was about her daughter and how she's a slob. I'm tired of seeing her dirty panties in the bathroom. I also told her she let's her daughter get away with it. Two weeks ago she had 4 pairs of shoes in my living room just sitting there for days.

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My mum died when I was 22, her and my dad had been divorced a decade and my dad remarried for six-ish years. He dropped everything to be with us at the hospital as she died, loaned my brother and I the deposit for the funeral we needed it and spent a lot of time with us helping to sort everything out. His wife was absolutely fine with it, and came to the funeral.

 

For some parents, knowing that their child has just lost their parent is very, very upsetting. Most of us are sad when a friend dies, and exes reside in that awkward spot where they were once much MORE than friends but as they are exes it's frowned upon to still care or be sad. But it's normal to be upset at the passing of anybody you love or once loved, even moreso if you're distraught over being about to watch your child go through hell for many months.

 

Thank god my dad, my mum's partner, and my stepmum were all mature enough to put their own feelings aside and be a team to help support my brother and I through the most traumatic thing either of us had ever experienced. I can't tell you how much worse it would have been if any of them had started acting pissy over some belongings lying around.

 

OP if you had some issues with your girlfriend's daughter being a slob you should have addressed that before, and if you weren't happy with the outcome decided whether or not to remain in the relationship. Right now while her dad has died is not the time to start coming down heavy on her. And as for the stuff with your girlfriend, I am shocked anybody can be this insensitive. As Philosoraptor said, what's wrong with moving them somewhere yourself and letting her know what you've done? Way to go, hope you felt like the big man losing it with somebody who has just lost somebody important in their life.

 

First of all her daughter was outside. I was directing it toward my gf and the lack of respect she has. And secondly her daughter doesn't want anyone touching her belongings. Thirdly, what makes you think I should have to clean up after her anyway?

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acrosstheuniverse
First of all her daughter was outside. I was directing it toward my gf and the lack of respect she has. And secondly her daughter doesn't want anyone touching her belongings. Thirdly, what makes you think I should have to clean up after her anyway?

 

Point 2: I thought it was the dead ex's belongings you were worried about? The tax documents in the lounge?

 

Point 3: I don't recall either myself or any other posters suggesting that you clean up after your girlfriend's daughter. Unless I'm missing something glaringly obvious?

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Point 2: I thought it was the dead ex's belongings you were worried about? The tax documents in the lounge?

 

Point 3: I don't recall either myself or any other posters suggesting that you clean up after your girlfriend's daughter. Unless I'm missing something glaringly obvious?

 

This. It seems this is only a symptom of some deep underlying resentment and problems in the relationship. It veered from a deceased ex's documents to a disrespectful daughter - those are two separate issues. And you're right that nobody appeared to imply that OP should clean up after the daughter; it was only suggested that he move these specific documents.

 

Reading the OP's other threads, this relationship sounds unhealthy. This latest issues only highlights that. Fighting about topics, not the real problems..in my opinion.

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acrosstheuniverse
This. It seems this is only a symptom of some deep underlying resentment and problems in the relationship. It veered from a deceased ex's documents to a disrespectful daughter - those are two separate issues. And you're right that nobody appeared to imply that OP should clean up after the daughter; it was only suggested that he move these specific documents.

 

Reading the OP's other threads, this relationship sounds unhealthy. This latest issues only highlights that. Fighting about topics, not the real problems..in my opinion.

 

I haven't read his other threads (I'm actually inclined not to bother, as he doesn't seem to want any help or advice, just goes into defense mode) but yeah, it seems like a) he's lacking in empathy and b) he isn't actually capable of looking at things from outside of his own perspective. He's defending himself against having to clean up after the daughter when nobody suggested it, and ignoring the other points people have made about grief.

 

Like I say, if he had problems with the daughter being messy then he needed to address that before, and either accept the outcome or leave. Now is not the time to be putting pressure and stress on either the girlfriend or the daughter about these issues. It might do everybody a lot of good if he leaves, though. I don't advocate him sticking it out through the grieving because it sounds like he's doing more harm than good and maybe they all just need a fresh start.

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Point 2: I thought it was the dead ex's belongings you were worried about? The tax documents in the lounge?

 

Point 3: I don't recall either myself or any other posters suggesting that you clean up after your girlfriend's daughter. Unless I'm missing something glaringly obvious?

 

Unless I was unclear, I actually spoke on two issues here, go back and read.

 

Actaully a few members suggested moving the items. "Moving", "Cleaning up" or "Picking up" after her. Whichever term you would like to use they all have the same meaning...

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This. It seems this is only a symptom of some deep underlying resentment and problems in the relationship. It veered from a deceased ex's documents to a disrespectful daughter - those are two separate issues. And you're right that nobody appeared to imply that OP should clean up after the daughter; it was only suggested that he move these specific documents.

 

Reading the OP's other threads, this relationship sounds unhealthy. This latest issues only highlights that. Fighting about topics, not the real problems..in my opinion.

 

Actually I never said disrespectful daughter, I said disrespectful GF. Resentment is clearly not an issue here. Her lack of respect is however the issue I have.

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I haven't read his other threads (I'm actually inclined not to bother, as he doesn't seem to want any help or advice, just goes into defense mode) but yeah, it seems like a) he's lacking in empathy and b) he isn't actually capable of looking at things from outside of his own perspective. He's defending himself against having to clean up after the daughter when nobody suggested it, and ignoring the other points people have made about grief.

 

Like I say, if he had problems with the daughter being messy then he needed to address that before, and either accept the outcome or leave. Now is not the time to be putting pressure and stress on either the girlfriend or the daughter about these issues. It might do everybody a lot of good if he leaves, though. I don't advocate him sticking it out through the grieving because it sounds like he's doing more harm than good and maybe they all just need a fresh start.

 

Actually I agreed with the poster who suggested we end our rel. For some reason you seem to have some issue with my post and clearly have twisted my words in making me come off otherwise.

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acrosstheuniverse
Unless I was unclear, I actually spoke on two issues here, go back and read.

 

Actaully a few members suggested moving the items. "Moving", "Cleaning up" or "Picking up" after her. Whichever term you would like to use they all have the same meaning...

 

I'm just floored by your attitude if you're taking issue with the concept of moving this teenage kid's dead father's briefcase into another room so that you're not angry by it being laid around. Seriously. Is it worth getting so angry, upset and defensive over this? Don't you think in the grand scheme of things you would be less harmed by moving the damn briefcase than your gf and daughter would be by you harping on about it and then blowing up in their faces right now? They just lost somebody very important in their lives. If a stepfather of mine pulled this kinda crap when my mother died I'd have been inclined to storm out and leave home/run away. Or is that something you would be happy to happen?

 

Actually I agreed with the poster who suggested we end our rel. For some reason you seem to have some issue with my post and clearly have twisted my words in making me come off otherwise.

 

I don't have any issue with you or your posts. It's just an internet forum, you came on here for responses, you got mine and if you don't like or agree with it that's absolutely fine. I can't make you come off as anything to anybody, everyone can see the entire posting history. Either way I'm glad that you've decided to end the relationship as I can't imagine it's making you happy, nor your girlfriend. Best of luck.

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I'm just floored by your attitude if you're taking issue with the concept of moving this teenage kid's dead father's briefcase into another room so that you're not angry by it being laid around. Seriously. Is it worth getting so angry, upset and defensive over this? Don't you think in the grand scheme of things you would be less harmed by moving the damn briefcase than your gf and daughter would be by you harping on about it and then blowing up in their faces right now? They just lost somebody very important in their lives. If a stepfather of mine pulled this kinda crap when my mother died I'd have been inclined to storm out and leave home/run away. Or is that something you would be happy to happen?

 

 

 

I don't have any issue with you or your posts. It's just an internet forum, you came on here for responses, you got mine and if you don't like or agree with it that's absolutely fine. I can't make you come off as anything to anybody, everyone can see the entire posting history. Either way I'm glad that you've decided to end the relationship as I can't imagine it's making you happy, nor your girlfriend. Best of luck.

 

In three separate post I've explained that I was told not to move the belongings. I understand the concept very well thank you. It appears as though you haven't read all of my post because had you done so you would have Cleary saw I was told not to. This is why I'm defensive.

 

My living room is fill with his personal belongings. The briefcase just happened to be the item I tripped over that night which spurred my tantrum. I can't even sit on my couch to watch TV due to the fact I have 75% of my living room covered and yet your floored by my attitude? My house reeks of cigarette smoke and I'm not allowed to be angry?

 

I came here thinking someone has gone through what I'm going through in hopes of maybe getting some advice on getting through this. I've realized there is no one out there that has been in my situation and no one including you can honestly say if you were would be happy about this. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!

 

I can be sympathetic, but that doesn't mean I have to live like this in my own home just because she refuses to pay for storage.

 

Had this been my father, no one in my household would be subjected to living this way because I have consideration for our shared living space. His belongings would be in storage.

 

Both my gf and her daughter have zero respect and consideration for the household. I tried my best for the rel to work but this is the final nail in the coffin

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Both my gf and her daughter have zero respect and consideration for the household. I tried my best for the rel to work but this is the final nail in the coffin

 

Good for you. Based on your other posts, you have been taken for granted for a long time. I'm curious why you have put up with it for so long. Is there anything about this relationship that has bed good for you? How difficult will it be to break up (own or rent, who is on lease, when does it expire)?

 

I know we are only getting your side, but from what you have shown so far, I don't understand why you have let things go on for so long.

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I went back and read your other threads. It looks like you've been having some real relationship issues since the beginning 3 1/2 years ago, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I love seeing people in happy relationships, respecting each other and solving problems together... but when that's not happening after a certain length of time you just have to cut your losses, as painful as it may be. Respect and trust are the cornerstones of the whole deal, and with these being central to the situations you've posted about I think you're right to reevaluate the big picture. Life is tough sometimes and I know it's not an easy choice. Wishing you the best, however you decide to handle it.

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