Found a letter from her EX

[yanx84]

Me and my girlfriend got into our first fight since being together a year a couple days ago. So yesterday she posts something about jury duty on instagram and I had this feeling right away that she might have talked to her ex (he's a lawyer) Sure enough he comments on it and she comments back saying something like "now work your magic and get me out of it haha" She never talks to him and I told her in the beginning I was uncomfortable with it, but here's my real dilemma.

 

A couple months ago I found a letter in her drawer from her ex basically telling her he wanted her back. Saying things like "you were right for not wanting to see me a few months ago, I still want you" and "if he ever gets on your nerves give me a call". It bothered me to no end that she kept this letter but I ultimately just decided not to bring it up. Our relationship has always been so good in the year we've been together. We've never fought, we're always talking about the future and plus she's just not the type of girl I would ever think to cheat on someone. The fact that she was choosing me over him (who she dated for 6 years) made me feel a lot more appreciated in a way. So I let it go. But now it's starting to really bother me because this is where he said in the letter to contact him. "If he ever gets on your nerves let me know" And so that's exactly what she did or could be doing right now. It makes me feel like she's subscribing to this letter he wrote her and could potentially still have feelings for him.

 

I don't know if I should even bring it up cause she'll probably more than likely get mad. Except I feel like I have so much more to be upset about right now...

[Philosoraptor]

You didn't let it go, you repressed it. Which is why it bothers you now. You should have asked her at that time why she decided to keep the letter, and apologized for your snooping.

 

Now you have a big issue which is you are unsure of where you stand and you may find out that you wasted a lot of emotion over nothing, or you wasted a lot of time on someone who is still not over her ex. Right now you need to open up and take whatever life gives you, as if you don't it will continue to eat at you and cause further issues.

[bubbaganoosh]

Well you have a choice. You can let her know that you saw the letter and tell her your feelings about it and listen to her response and go from there.

 

Ask her how she would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and let her know that it bothers you.

 

Or you can say nothing and have this little tid bit on your mind which will only fester and your imagination runs wild and it does happen. You start to run all these scenario's in you mind which may or not be true and you never have the answer.

 

You can bring the subject up in a way that your not accusing her but just want to clear the air. Your choice.

[Zelias]

Me and my girlfriend got into our first fight since being together a year a couple days ago. So yesterday she posts something about jury duty on instagram and I had this feeling right away that she might have talked to her ex (he's a lawyer) Sure enough he comments on it and she comments back saying something like "now work your magic and get me out of it haha" She never talks to him and I told her in the beginning I was uncomfortable with it, but here's my real dilemma.

 

A couple months ago I found a letter in her drawer from her ex basically telling her he wanted her back. Saying things like "you were right for not wanting to see me a few months ago, I still want you" and "if he ever gets on your nerves give me a call". It bothered me to no end that she kept this letter but I ultimately just decided not to bring it up. Our relationship has always been so good in the year we've been together. We've never fought, we're always talking about the future and plus she's just not the type of girl I would ever think to cheat on someone. The fact that she was choosing me over him (who she dated for 6 years) made me feel a lot more appreciated in a way. So I let it go. But now it's starting to really bother me because this is where he said in the letter to contact him. "If he ever gets on your nerves let me know" And so that's exactly what she did or could be doing right now. It makes me feel like she's subscribing to this letter he wrote her and could potentially still have feelings for him.

 

I don't know if I should even bring it up cause she'll probably more than likely get mad. Except I feel like I have so much more to be upset about right now...

 

Let me make this clear for you.

 

YOU ARE 2nd TO HER. She obviously wants to see her ex again and maybe go back to him. If I were you, dump her. If you mentioned that you read that letter, she will flip and this will give her a leverage in which she choose her ex over you. I take that back, she ALREADY HAS CHOSEN HER EX OVER YOU.

 

When a girl still has contact in some way with her EX, that is a huge red flag that you should bail because she obviously has not gotten over him.

 

My suggestion to you good sir, is find another girl and move on, because I promise you right now, she will cheat and dump your a$$. She obvisouly does not respect your "I'm uncomfortable with this" statement. She is not a flexible person, and you should not take sh*t from her.

 

If you continue on this path, I promise you, you will get heart broken. I can tell you right now if you do break up with her, she will run back to her ex in no time. I'm telling you, you are wasting your time.

[yanx84]

Let me make this clear for you.

 

YOU ARE 2nd TO HER. She obviously wants to see her ex again and maybe go back to him. If I were you, dump her. If you mentioned that you read that letter, she will flip and this will give her a leverage in which she choose her ex over you. I take that back, she ALREADY HAS CHOSEN HER EX OVER YOU.

 

When a girl still has contact in some way with her EX, that is a huge red flag that you should bail because she obviously has not gotten over him.

 

My suggestion to you good sir, is find another girl and move on, because I promise you right now, she will cheat and dump your a$$. She obvisouly does not respect your "I'm uncomfortable with this" statement. She is not a flexible person, and you should not take sh*t from her.

 

If you continue on this path, I promise you, you will get heart broken. I can tell you right now if you do break up with her, she will run back to her ex in no time. I'm telling you, you are wasting your time.

 

I appreciate your response and the ones before it, but I'm still having trouble just assuming the worst of things. Like I said our relationship has been so good. She constantly does things to show how much she loves me or appreciates me. She mentioned to me in the past about how much her and her ex use to fight and how our relationship is so much better. We're most likely relocating within the next year together for her job. I just don't understand why she would make so many future plans with me if I was really 2nd to her. It just seems so immature of me to break up with this girl that I have this great relationship with over a letter. But it still bothers me that she's holding onto it. I'm just lost right now...

[Philosoraptor]

I appreciate your response and the ones before it, but I'm still having trouble just assuming the worst of things. Like I said our relationship has been so good. She constantly does things to show how much she loves me or appreciates me. She mentioned to me in the past about how much her and her ex use to fight and how our relationship is so much better. We're most likely relocating within the next year together for her job. I just don't understand why she would make so many future plans with me if I was really 2nd to her. It just seems so immature of me to break up with this girl that I have this great relationship with over a letter. But it still bothers me that she's holding onto it. I'm just lost right now...

 

Which is why you need to have an adult conversation. Admit what you found, ask why she kept it, apologize for your snooping, and see where it goes from there. It takes the "what ifs" out of your mind and may just allow you to build back trust if you can have a truly open conversation with her.

[soccerrprp]

Which is why you need to have an adult conversation. Admit what you found, ask why she kept it, apologize for your snooping, and see where it goes from there. It takes the "what ifs" out of your mind and may just allow you to build back trust if you can have a truly open conversation with her.

 

At this point, this is all you can do. Have a face2face.

 

Another thing, don't for a moment think she won't leave you and go back to him. She was in a 6-year relationship with him and her response to him shows that she still has some "endearing" feelings for him. This, of course, doesn't translate to she wants to get back with him, but far too many women, especially, have a difficult time objectively recalling why the past relationship didn't work out in the first place.

[ExpatInItaly]

You can mention you saw his comment on Instagram, and ask her if they're still in touch. Ask her if they've communicated during your relationship (other than in a public forum, I mean) If she's honest, she will tell you about the letter.

 

If she's not, you've got a bigger problem. Admit that you saw the letter, then ask her to explain why she didn't tell you, and also why she kept it. In any case, you do need to talk to her about it. If you don't, it will continue to bother you and any communication between them will only make that seed of doubt grow bigger. Don't move forth with any plans to move away together just yet until you clear this one up.

[Hopeful30]

she shouldnt have kept the letter... no if ands or buts...

 

their relationship will never be the same

 

I don't think there is anything wrong in keeping it. If one of my exes wrote me a letter praising me and telling me how amazing I was, I would keep it. Not because i'm not over them, but just as a reminder that I was a wonderful girlfriend and that I possess really nice qualities. If my bf ever found it I wouldn't mind either, and I would tell him why I kept such a letter, and if it truly bothered him, I would get rid of it.

 

I would prefer he confront me right away cuz like you said, something might happen later on and you might question it when it really might be nothing.

 

Keep in mind that by saying "you can always talk to me" is just another way of exes trying to get you back. If they catch you having problems with your new partner, thats another opportunity to be there for you and to snatch you back, or to talk down the new partner.

 

I don't see why it's HER fault if her EX wrote those words. She didn't write them, he did.

 

I say talk to her about it. Be honest. Tell her you found it but ignored it because you trust her, but now that this whole jury duty thing has come up you are a bit concerned and just wanted to express that.

Edited January 27, 2014 by Hopeful30

[Zelias]

I appreciate your response and the ones before it, but I'm still having trouble just assuming the worst of things. Like I said our relationship has been so good. She constantly does things to show how much she loves me or appreciates me. She mentioned to me in the past about how much her and her ex use to fight and how our relationship is so much better. We're most likely relocating within the next year together for her job. I just don't understand why she would make so many future plans with me if I was really 2nd to her. It just seems so immature of me to break up with this girl that I have this great relationship with over a letter. But it still bothers me that she's holding onto it. I'm just lost right now...

 

The thing is though, she keeps mentioning her ex. SHE KEEPS MENTIONING HIM. That is the problem. When a woman keeps mentioning her ex time and time again, there is going to be an event that proceeds those words. Why are you relocating for her job? If she dumps you, then what? what are you going to do then? She is making future plans with you, I get that, but what about now, the present, what is happening now? How does she know you are going to be part of her life down the road? This letter is obviously getting to you. Most people keeps their letters or any other object from their ex's because it reminds them of a good time.

 

It would not be immature of you to break up, I bet if you did, she would not move to her new job unless it's really good pay. I still think you are wasting your time, and down the road sir, you are going to be dumped, and end up nowhere. Heed this warning, but do whatever you think is right, you're already sinking down to the bottom of the depths, in other words, you're going to be lost and forgotten.

 

I wish you the best good sir, I really do.

[scooby-philly]

I will speak from experience.

 

I went through a horrible break up last summer. We were days away from getting married. I am glad it happened because I was not ready for it and I don't think she was either. It's taken me months and months to get over her. Part of the problem was my own closet fears and shame of not feeling smart enough, good enough, rich enough. Part of it was my trying to cling on to friends from the past and not initiating in a reality-based evaluation of what we were like together.

 

All that said, I ran into the same thing as you. After living together for a year, I came across a letter from her ex (it was her place so her stuff never moved). It wasn't I want you back, it was "how bad I messed up". At the time it hurt me a lot. I realize now that 1. I should have asked her about it more and gotten a straight answer. I think we didn't work out - or wouldn't have, because of my messed-up ass, but also because she was never vulnerable to me. That said, 2. the fact that she had it was not because she wasn't over him or that she needed to feel good about herself reading those words - she just wasn't organized and never cleaned. Ha.

 

What you need to ask yourself is what does it say about her. If it says that she's not over him or she's not as happy with you, that will need to get ironed out.