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Would a guy leave you if he felt you would leave him eventually?


CherryBlossom200

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CherryBlossom200

Hi there

 

Ok, I'm completely confusedby something that happened to me recently. I'm not heartbroken or was emotionally attached I'm just more baffled then anything and trying tounderstand the male mind more then anything

 

 

To put a quick back ground tothis, I met a guy shortly before Xmas. He was very full on at the start which kind of threw me a bit so I kept my guard up, he seemed very needy/validationseeking/jealous/inscure - all the red flags basically. I'm not a slutty type but I doget male attention and the guy didn't seem to be too happy about this even onthe first night I met him which surprised me slightly. But he seemed verycharming so I thought I would go on a few dates and give him a chance, just pu tit down to nerves or something. Anyway, we had a few really nice dates and I felt really comfortable around him. But I still sensed hewasn't quite being himself. He knew that I had been hurt in the past a fewyears ago, so I have a few commitment issues but I assured him that I wouldcommit to the right guy. He mentioned very early on that he is ready for kids(we are both mid-30's) - again I was surprised by his honesty and forwardness

 

A few weeks later, I started initiating things a little nothing big - just asked if he fancied going to the cinema etc but he started pulling back which baffled me. When I finally had enough (I'm not the type to put up with bad behaviour) I told him that his behaviour of acting hot/cold was confusing and that we either leave it or he start treating me normally. He opted to carry on seeing me, but he kept saying that he was worried about the commitment thing - that he would jump in/and I would jump out, that he would invest and I would run. So I instictively started saying that I liked him a lot and saw him as long term potential etc etc and he just disappeared!

 

What the hell did I do wrong? The way I see it he was behaving like a girl and I was the one who was constantly having to reassure him. I'm glad its over. But what I want tounderstand is would a guy disappear if he really did feel that I would eventually leave him and didn't want to take the risk? Doesn't really make sense. I feel that he at least owed me an explaination! Very odd!

 

If you could shed some light on this that would be great! Thanks! x

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Thanks for reformatting, much easier to read :)

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. He sounds highly insecure. He left you because he was scared you were going to leave him? That makes no sense for someone who is secure and happy with themselves. I would just chalk this one up to experience... and you probably dodged a bullet... goodness knows what he would have put you through after a few more months of this!

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WrinkledForehead
Thanks for reformatting, much easier to read :)

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. He sounds highly insecure. He left you because he was scared you were going to leave him? That makes no sense for someone who is secure and happy with themselves. I would just chalk this one up to experience... and you probably dodged a bullet... goodness knows what he would have put you through after a few more months of this!

 

Agreed. My partner dealt with this from me a bit throughout the beginning of our R. The nature of our initial coupling exacerbated insecurities I was dealing with already and I'd push him away when my insecurities got the best of me--it's easier to leave and justify that leaving by thinking one would be hurt if they stuck around anyways. "Hurt myself before another can hurt me" sort of deal.

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CherryBlossom200

Thanks! I had a nightmare with the formatting -very odd!

 

I have never come across a guy leaving because he would worry I would leave him?! It makes no sense whatsoever! I'm just wondering if this was a good exit excuse? He knew I'm fussy and won't just commit to anyone, but surely that's a good thing? It mean's I won't settle with the first guy that comes along. But I did continually say that I liked him and that I'm sure with the right guy I WOULD commit. I can't seem to win. Either a woman is accused of being desperate or she is avoided for being fussy. Bizarre.

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CherryBlossom200

But it's completely nuts?! He said he was worried that we wanted different things - so I said I wanted the same things as him. He asked what were they? I said eventually marriage and kids. That I seem long-term potential in him - and then he just disappeared!?! I said that once I fall in love, that's it for me I don't go anywhere. Which is the truth. I just don't get it. Maybe he is the one with the commitment issues. God knows. Did he only like it when I was unsure?

 

I did quite like the guy and feel if I could get over his inital fear then possibly it could become a good relationship. Is there anything I can do to help reassure him? He disappeared over a week ago! ha

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I have never come across a guy leaving because he would worry I would leave him?! It makes no sense whatsoever! I'm just wondering if this was a good exit excuse? He knew I'm fussy and won't just commit to anyone, but surely that's a good thing? It mean's I won't settle with the first guy that comes along. But I did continually say that I liked him and that I'm sure with the right guy I WOULD commit. I can't seem to win. Either a woman is accused of being desperate or she is avoided for being fussy. Bizarre.

You can't have a relationship with someone who is this insecure. Maybe he had other issues too, you didn't get to know him enough to find out. The bottom line is, this isn't something that could be rationally handled, it's over. Best to move on. He sounds emotionally unstable.

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WrinkledForehead
Thanks! I had a nightmare with the formatting -very odd!

 

I have never come across a guy leaving because he would worry I would leave him?! It makes no sense whatsoever! I'm just wondering if this was a good exit excuse? He knew I'm fussy and won't just commit to anyone, but surely that's a good thing? It mean's I won't settle with the first guy that comes along. But I did continually say that I liked him and that I'm sure with the right guy I WOULD commit. I can't seem to win. Either a woman is accused of being desperate or she is avoided for being fussy. Bizarre.

 

You did nothing wrong. Maintain that standard but perhaps keep that tidbit to yourself while dating. Stating that you're non-committal could be a warning sign for those beginning to get to know you.

 

But with this guy, there is something broken inside of him. You probably couldn't have helped him out, even with the best of reassurances. He had doubt gnawing at him and likely screwing with his logical mind. He pushed you away because as a single person, he doesnt have to worry about being left. He associated you with his internal pain and conflict and pushed you away so he could stop feeling those things.

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CherryBlossom200

Yeah true.

 

He said he worried that he has trust issues with women cheating on him (though I'm wondering if he is projecting his own fears because he cheats), he got jealous early on - said he was the suspicious type. I started to worry that he might end up stalking him ha! But I thought I was just being silly and over the next few dates he seems to chill.

 

In the first week, I met his dad (yeah I know a bit odd) it was at a rugby match so more informal. When I suggested he meet me quickly for a drink with me and a mate the next day, despite saying yes at the time as seemed genuinely happy I invited him. The next day he had work issues..so couldn't make it. I didn't believe him but didnt' make an issue. But then I knew things were not right. He was so hot at the beginning and then backed off really quickly when things seemed to be really good between us.

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CherryBlossom200

But with this guy, there is something broken inside of him. You probably couldn't have helped him out, even with the best of reassurances. He had doubt gnawing at him and likely screwing with his logical mind. He pushed you away because as a single person, he doesnt have to worry about being left. He associated you with his internal pain and conflict and pushed you away so he could stop feeling those things.

 

That's really insightful Wrinkled Forehead - I think it's also completlely sad too. Don't worry I won't say I have issues with commitment going forward ha! I've learnt that one. The only reason I said it to him is because he was rushing thing so much and it scared me! :eek: So I told him the story with my ex and said I need things to go slowly otherwise I tend to run in the other direction.

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He was so hot at the beginning and then backed off really quickly when things seemed to be really good between us.

At the first sight of this I run. Emotionally healthy people don't behave this way.

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CherryBlossom200

Emilia - why do men do this? Is it all about the chase? Is it all a crazy fantasy? I've dated a couple of guys like this and now know the signs so will make a swift exit next time. It's very confusing! ha, luckily I'm not the type to throw myself into things quickly so I didn't get hurt. Otherwise I would be pretty angry with him.

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Emilia - why do men do this? Is it all about the chase? Is it all a crazy fantasy? I've dated a couple of guys like this and now know the signs so will make a swift exit next time. It's very confusing! ha, luckily I'm not the type to throw myself into things quickly so I didn't get hurt. Otherwise I would be pretty angry with him.

It's not about gender. It's about someone's ability of handling emotional attachment or the possibility of it. Women do it too you just never experience it because you don't date them.

 

No need to dwell why, he isn't healthy. That's all there is to it.

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I've dated a couple of guys like this and now know the signs so will make a swift exit next time.

So you're going to dump them because you're afraid they'll dump you because they think you're going to dump them ... did I follow that right?!

 

What you wrote there, is exactly the reason that HE dumped YOU... and now you're going to dump future men for the same reason? Seems a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy...

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CherryBlossom200

KFC he is in a long-term relationship with his ex of 12 year, broke up last year. The love was no longer there which I understand because I came out of a long-term relationship a few years back, but I came bouncing back very quickly and was ready to date really quickly because I dealt with a lot of my grief during the end of the relationship. I didn't feel he was heartbroken (I recognise when someone is heartbroken it's just something you can't hide) I think it's to do with his family and the way he grew up. His relationship with his parents is terrible. He was brought up by his gramdmother as his parents were hardly around and they had a bad relationship. He doesn't have a good view of marriage at all. So I think it all stems from this TBH. I still think it's sad and a part of me wants to help him. But I also know it's pointless, if he has been like this all his adult life and never really let anyone in then he won't now. He told me he doesn't think he has ever been in love - that is a red flag if I ever saw one!!

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I still think it's sad and a part of me wants to help him.

DON'T! Do not be a codependent. Ever.

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CherryBlossom200

Peg nose - no I mean I will dump guys when they come on far too strong at the start! Meeting parents within a week of knowing someone is not normal in my book - or asking someone to go away for a weekend with you after only 2 dates. Yes he did that too. I won't run if a guy shows interest, but if he does things like I just mentioned I will proceed with caution or make a swift departure because it always ends the same way!

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CherryBlossom200

Emilia - don't worry I won't! :)

 

I've read the book 'Men who can't love' - I just didnt' realise these guys actually do exist!!

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Wow, 12 years is a LONG long time. I'm not sure 1 year is enough time for this man to get over his ex. Women tend to bounce right back I'm not sure why they are so much more resilient than men.

 

My ex was over me a long time before we actually split for good. I still get stomach aches thinking about her. Not sure if that's a gender thing or if that's what happens when the man is still in love but the woman is not.

Slightly off topic but I think women make decisions about leaving a relationship slower than men do so they start getting over it before it ends.

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WrinkledForehead
But with this guy, there is something broken inside of him. You probably couldn't have helped him out, even with the best of reassurances. He had doubt gnawing at him and likely screwing with his logical mind. He pushed you away because as a single person, he doesnt have to worry about being left. He associated you with his internal pain and conflict and pushed you away so he could stop feeling those things.

 

That's really insightful Wrinkled Forehead - I think it's also completlely sad too. Don't worry I won't say I have issues with commitment going forward ha! I've learnt that one. The only reason I said it to him is because he was rushing thing so much and it scared me! :eek: So I told him the story with my ex and said I need things to go slowly otherwise I tend to run in the other direction.

 

It is sad and it sucks to own that mentality, too! And there isn't much a partner can do to change it--insecure people have to work internally to combat their fears. It requires a level of self-awareness and a commitment to self-development.

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CherryBlossom200

I asked how if felt about his ex and he said he didn't love her, that he missed having her in his life but he didn't miss her (not sure if that makes sense) but I understand where he is coming from because I felt the same about my ex. I did get the feeling that he is lonely and 'needs' a relationship rather then 'wants' a relationship - and one evening I did express this concern of mine, I said it nicely. I'm wondering if this possibly had a part of him retreating. Who knows. But I think you are right, he isn't emotionally ready for a relationship. He seems postively petrified of it!! But gives conflicting messages about wanting to start a family now.

 

I sent him a nice message the next day saying that I didn't feel he was emotionally ready for a relationship, that I did like him but he needs to go away and deal with his own availability. When he was ready to get in touch and if I'm single we can then talk. I wished him all the best. He read the message - but didn't reply - how rude?!?!

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I sent him a nice message the next day saying that I didn't feel he was emotionally ready for a relationship, that I did like him but he needs to go away and deal with his own availability. When he was ready to get in touch and if I'm single we can then talk. I wished him all the best. He read the message - but didn't reply - how rude?!?!

I wouldn't have replied either. You dumped him.

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CherryBlossom200

I sent him that message after he did the disappearing act on me though. I told him how I felt about him that I liked him a lot, saw long-term potential. He replied with..not ignoring you, just a lot to take in there. He then disappeared on me - the whole day he didn't reply or say anything nice in return! So the next day I sent that message. What did he expect?! His behaviour was all over the place. You don't ignore someone who has shown they want commitment. It's plain rude. I don't know perhaps I have high standards. But I treat my partners and I do my friends and family.

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I sent him that message after he did the disappearing act on me though. I told him how I felt about him that I liked him a lot, saw long-term potential. He replied with..not ignoring you, just a lot to take in there. He then disappeared on me - the whole day he didn't reply or say anything nice in return! So the next day I sent that message. What did he expect?! His behaviour was all over the place. You don't ignore someone who has shown they want commitment. It's plain rude. I don't know perhaps I have high standards. But I treat my partners and I do my friends and family.

I can only repeat that you can't expect rational behaviour from someone who isn't emotionally stable and is very vulnerable/insecure. It's best to walk away. No need to get offended or get angry. He isn't in the right place, maybe never will be. He can't give you the responses you want.

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CherryBlossom200

I wasn't burnt by this guy, just baffled more then anything. The guy before him I was upset by and did get emotionally attached. And I learned from that experience. But this this guy I kept him at arms length throughout because something just didn't add up from the start - subconciously I was protecting myself and also thought he was a bit odd. So I didn't get involved with my emotions.

 

KFC - you are right. I don't understand why guys need that ego boost. Because it will make me think twice about giving them what they want. TBH I only said all the stuff to get him to chill the hell out so we could start having fun and enjoy each others company. He kept dragging it into intense territory.

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CherryBlossom200

I guess with an emotionally healthy man, we wouldnt' get into these stupid discussions in the first place, and if and when I did start showing interest he would like it and not run? Please tell me this is the case?! ha!! x

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