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Would a guy leave you if he felt you would leave him eventually?


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Old 21st January 2014, 7:02 AM   #1
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Would a guy leave you if he felt you would leave him eventually?

Hi there

Ok, I'm completely confusedby something that happened to me recently. I'm not heartbroken or was emotionally attached I'm just more baffled then anything and trying tounderstand the male mind more then anything


To put a quick back ground tothis, I met a guy shortly before Xmas. He was very full on at the start which kind of threw me a bit so I kept my guard up, he seemed very needy/validationseeking/jealous/inscure - all the red flags basically. I'm not a slutty type but I doget male attention and the guy didn't seem to be too happy about this even onthe first night I met him which surprised me slightly. But he seemed verycharming so I thought I would go on a few dates and give him a chance, just pu tit down to nerves or something. Anyway, we had a few really nice dates and I felt really comfortable around him. But I still sensed hewasn't quite being himself. He knew that I had been hurt in the past a fewyears ago, so I have a few commitment issues but I assured him that I wouldcommit to the right guy. He mentioned very early on that he is ready for kids(we are both mid-30's) - again I was surprised by his honesty and forwardness

A few weeks later, I started initiating things a little nothing big - just asked if he fancied going to the cinema etc but he started pulling back which baffled me. When I finally had enough (I'm not the type to put up with bad behaviour) I told him that his behaviour of acting hot/cold was confusing and that we either leave it or he start treating me normally. He opted to carry on seeing me, but he kept saying that he was worried about the commitment thing - that he would jump in/and I would jump out, that he would invest and I would run. So I instictively started saying that I liked him a lot and saw him as long term potential etc etc and he just disappeared!

What the hell did I do wrong? The way I see it he was behaving like a girl and I was the one who was constantly having to reassure him. I'm glad its over. But what I want tounderstand is would a guy disappear if he really did feel that I would eventually leave him and didn't want to take the risk? Doesn't really make sense. I feel that he at least owed me an explaination! Very odd!

If you could shed some light on this that would be great! Thanks! x
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:12 AM   #2
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Thanks for reformatting, much easier to read

I don't think you did anything wrong. He sounds highly insecure. He left you because he was scared you were going to leave him? That makes no sense for someone who is secure and happy with themselves. I would just chalk this one up to experience... and you probably dodged a bullet... goodness knows what he would have put you through after a few more months of this!
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:20 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by PegNosePete View Post
Thanks for reformatting, much easier to read

I don't think you did anything wrong. He sounds highly insecure. He left you because he was scared you were going to leave him? That makes no sense for someone who is secure and happy with themselves. I would just chalk this one up to experience... and you probably dodged a bullet... goodness knows what he would have put you through after a few more months of this!
Agreed. My partner dealt with this from me a bit throughout the beginning of our R. The nature of our initial coupling exacerbated insecurities I was dealing with already and I'd push him away when my insecurities got the best of me--it's easier to leave and justify that leaving by thinking one would be hurt if they stuck around anyways. "Hurt myself before another can hurt me" sort of deal.
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:21 AM   #4
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Thanks! I had a nightmare with the formatting -very odd!

I have never come across a guy leaving because he would worry I would leave him?! It makes no sense whatsoever! I'm just wondering if this was a good exit excuse? He knew I'm fussy and won't just commit to anyone, but surely that's a good thing? It mean's I won't settle with the first guy that comes along. But I did continually say that I liked him and that I'm sure with the right guy I WOULD commit. I can't seem to win. Either a woman is accused of being desperate or she is avoided for being fussy. Bizarre.
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:25 AM   #5
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But it's completely nuts?! He said he was worried that we wanted different things - so I said I wanted the same things as him. He asked what were they? I said eventually marriage and kids. That I seem long-term potential in him - and then he just disappeared!?! I said that once I fall in love, that's it for me I don't go anywhere. Which is the truth. I just don't get it. Maybe he is the one with the commitment issues. God knows. Did he only like it when I was unsure?

I did quite like the guy and feel if I could get over his inital fear then possibly it could become a good relationship. Is there anything I can do to help reassure him? He disappeared over a week ago! ha
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:26 AM   #6
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I have never come across a guy leaving because he would worry I would leave him?! It makes no sense whatsoever! I'm just wondering if this was a good exit excuse? He knew I'm fussy and won't just commit to anyone, but surely that's a good thing? It mean's I won't settle with the first guy that comes along. But I did continually say that I liked him and that I'm sure with the right guy I WOULD commit. I can't seem to win. Either a woman is accused of being desperate or she is avoided for being fussy. Bizarre.
You can't have a relationship with someone who is this insecure. Maybe he had other issues too, you didn't get to know him enough to find out. The bottom line is, this isn't something that could be rationally handled, it's over. Best to move on. He sounds emotionally unstable.
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:31 AM   #7
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Thanks! I had a nightmare with the formatting -very odd!

I have never come across a guy leaving because he would worry I would leave him?! It makes no sense whatsoever! I'm just wondering if this was a good exit excuse? He knew I'm fussy and won't just commit to anyone, but surely that's a good thing? It mean's I won't settle with the first guy that comes along. But I did continually say that I liked him and that I'm sure with the right guy I WOULD commit. I can't seem to win. Either a woman is accused of being desperate or she is avoided for being fussy. Bizarre.
You did nothing wrong. Maintain that standard but perhaps keep that tidbit to yourself while dating. Stating that you're non-committal could be a warning sign for those beginning to get to know you.

But with this guy, there is something broken inside of him. You probably couldn't have helped him out, even with the best of reassurances. He had doubt gnawing at him and likely screwing with his logical mind. He pushed you away because as a single person, he doesnt have to worry about being left. He associated you with his internal pain and conflict and pushed you away so he could stop feeling those things.
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:35 AM   #8
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Yeah true.

He said he worried that he has trust issues with women cheating on him (though I'm wondering if he is projecting his own fears because he cheats), he got jealous early on - said he was the suspicious type. I started to worry that he might end up stalking him ha! But I thought I was just being silly and over the next few dates he seems to chill.

In the first week, I met his dad (yeah I know a bit odd) it was at a rugby match so more informal. When I suggested he meet me quickly for a drink with me and a mate the next day, despite saying yes at the time as seemed genuinely happy I invited him. The next day he had work issues..so couldn't make it. I didn't believe him but didnt' make an issue. But then I knew things were not right. He was so hot at the beginning and then backed off really quickly when things seemed to be really good between us.
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:39 AM   #9
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But with this guy, there is something broken inside of him. You probably couldn't have helped him out, even with the best of reassurances. He had doubt gnawing at him and likely screwing with his logical mind. He pushed you away because as a single person, he doesnt have to worry about being left. He associated you with his internal pain and conflict and pushed you away so he could stop feeling those things.

That's really insightful Wrinkled Forehead - I think it's also completlely sad too. Don't worry I won't say I have issues with commitment going forward ha! I've learnt that one. The only reason I said it to him is because he was rushing thing so much and it scared me! So I told him the story with my ex and said I need things to go slowly otherwise I tend to run in the other direction.
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:45 AM   #10
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He was so hot at the beginning and then backed off really quickly when things seemed to be really good between us.
At the first sight of this I run. Emotionally healthy people don't behave this way.
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:51 AM   #11
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Emilia - why do men do this? Is it all about the chase? Is it all a crazy fantasy? I've dated a couple of guys like this and now know the signs so will make a swift exit next time. It's very confusing! ha, luckily I'm not the type to throw myself into things quickly so I didn't get hurt. Otherwise I would be pretty angry with him.
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:54 AM   #12
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Emilia - why do men do this? Is it all about the chase? Is it all a crazy fantasy? I've dated a couple of guys like this and now know the signs so will make a swift exit next time. It's very confusing! ha, luckily I'm not the type to throw myself into things quickly so I didn't get hurt. Otherwise I would be pretty angry with him.
It's not about gender. It's about someone's ability of handling emotional attachment or the possibility of it. Women do it too you just never experience it because you don't date them.

No need to dwell why, he isn't healthy. That's all there is to it.
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:57 AM   #13
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I've dated a couple of guys like this and now know the signs so will make a swift exit next time.
So you're going to dump them because you're afraid they'll dump you because they think you're going to dump them ... did I follow that right?!

What you wrote there, is exactly the reason that HE dumped YOU... and now you're going to dump future men for the same reason? Seems a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy...
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:57 AM   #14
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KFC he is in a long-term relationship with his ex of 12 year, broke up last year. The love was no longer there which I understand because I came out of a long-term relationship a few years back, but I came bouncing back very quickly and was ready to date really quickly because I dealt with a lot of my grief during the end of the relationship. I didn't feel he was heartbroken (I recognise when someone is heartbroken it's just something you can't hide) I think it's to do with his family and the way he grew up. His relationship with his parents is terrible. He was brought up by his gramdmother as his parents were hardly around and they had a bad relationship. He doesn't have a good view of marriage at all. So I think it all stems from this TBH. I still think it's sad and a part of me wants to help him. But I also know it's pointless, if he has been like this all his adult life and never really let anyone in then he won't now. He told me he doesn't think he has ever been in love - that is a red flag if I ever saw one!!
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Old 21st January 2014, 7:59 AM   #15
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I still think it's sad and a part of me wants to help him.
DON'T! Do not be a codependent. Ever.
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