TunaInTheBrine Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I've been serious with my girlfriend for a few months now, and over the holidays I had the opportunity to meet her parents, who live long-distance from us. We are both adults and early-career professionals with graduate degrees, to give an idea of our developmental stages. After meeting her very involved mother, it all made sense to me why she struggles with certain issues. Her relationship with her mother appears to have a significant impact on how she argues with me, how she views herself, perfectionistic tendencies, etc... Mom 'means well', but unknowingly unloads her own issues onto my girlfriend, even all these years later when she is 'grown up'. Mom wants her to be young/dependent again. Her mother misses her and wants her to come back home permanently - if not living directly in the home then in the area. My girlfriend told me someday she would have to move back to that area (several hours away from our current area), and that she hopes I will come with her if we are doing well as a couple. I am open to this idea if/when we reach that point some years from now. In the meantime, the mother is on my girlfriend's case relentlessly about it. I often feel like I'm in a silent battle with my girlfriend's family because of the strain her relationship to her mother places on our relationship, not just with the pressure to be closer back to home, but just the impact of their relationship on our relationship (arguing style, anxieties, self-esteem, etc...). To those who have been in a similar situation where a partner's parent impacted the relationship, how did you deal with it? What strategies did you use to address the problem? Did things get better? I do love my girlfriend and would like to continue building a relationship with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted January 19, 2014 Share Posted January 19, 2014 I feel that this is something your girlfriend has to work on on her own. Have you brought up these concerns with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TunaInTheBrine Posted January 20, 2014 Author Share Posted January 20, 2014 Agreed, and yes, I have brought it up with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Agreed, and yes, I have brought it up with her. How did she respond? How motivated is she in having better boundaries with her mother? Link to post Share on other sites
MixedUpChick Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Your girlfriend really does need to be the one to deal with this. When I was younger, my mom was extremely overbearing too. In my case I ended up getting pregnant & married very young, basically just to get away with her. Even when I was no longer living at home it didn't stop her from trying to control my life, it wasn't until I was finally able to stand up to her & take control back, that things changed. Your girlfriend needs to set clear boundaries with her mother, otherwise some day it may become a much bigger problem for you than it is right now. Link to post Share on other sites
deathandtaxes Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Your gf will have to grow up and put her foot down hard. She has to realize that there are boundaries in life. Until she does this, you either accept her and her mother and find somebody else. You will not be able to effect any sort of change. Link to post Share on other sites
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