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Did I Sabotage a Good Thing?


Chalkdust89

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Hey everyone! I'm new to the forum and was looking for some third-party, objective advice on something that has happened recently. I'm not sure if I sabotaged a potentially good thing (which I'm prone to doing), if i saved myself from getting into something creepy, or if I'm overreacting. Thanks in advance, and sorry if it is a little long!

 

I'm in my mid-twenties and have really only been in long term relationships before, so I'm very inexperienced when it comes to casual dating. I recently started an online dating account just to see what it was like and met a guy who seemed really cool. We met up for coffee within a few days of chatting online (we started talking Friday, on Sunday he asked me to meet up on Monday) and had a lot to talk about. He ended up leaving after an hour and a half because he had something to complete by a certain deadline that night, but continued to text me the whole night. The next day, he was already texting me to get another date going on Wednesday of the same week.

 

We had to postpone until Friday due to the weather, but this date went just as well (he also texted me every day for extended periods of time in between the dates). Our original plan was dinner, but since I had a party to go to that evening, we just met up for drinks during happy hour. He ended up telling me that he purposely didn't do the thing that required the deadline ahead of time on the night of our first date in case things didn't work out and he needed an excuse to leave, but he was disappointed when he had to go because he really liked me (I guess hence the texting that night). When my friends came to pick me up, he told me to keep him posted if we were going out to the bars in case we wanted to meet up with him (we didn't end up going and he went to bed early). Even though I thought he was a little forward, I thought he was pretty cool and we had a lot in common, so I didn't really mind it.

 

The next day, he texted me and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie. We watched a movie, had some drinks, and ended up having (protected) sex. The first time was pretty good even though we were both nervous and a little drunk; in fact, we were giggling the whole time (he said something really stupid and silly right before and the drunkness made it even funnier). He asked me if I wanted to spend the night and I said okay. At this point his roommates came home, and we hung out with them for a little bit before everyone decided to go to bed. We started to have sex a second time until he thought the condom was going to rip, so we started to do other things (oral, etc) instead. He asked me a really stupid question while I was working on him, and it made me so embarrassed that I had to stop. He asked if it was a difficult thing to do? I wasn't sure if that meant I was doing a bad job, or if he was just curious and didn't know that it was a weird question. It got kind of awkward. He said he really just wanted to have sex again but was out of condoms. I told him I didn't want to do it without one and after some cuddling he asked me if I wanted to go to bed.

 

At this point, I was sobering up and started to feel weird about the whole thing. It felt right at the time, but I wasn't sure if three dates and sex in one week was a "normal" thing for online/casual dating or if this was a "let's see how far I can get her to go" kind of thing. I also got a little nervous about what would happen the next day and whether or not spending the night with an almost complete stranger was a smart decision (again, I have almost zero experience with casual dating). I was feeling uncomfortable and told him I didn't feel right spending the night. He looked really disappointed but got dressed, walked me out to my car and kissed me goodnight.

 

The next day, I texted him and apologized for walking out so suddenly, that I wasn't feeling well, etc. He said he was just glad I got home safely and asked if I had any plans for the day. We chatted a little bit and I asked him later in the day if he still wanted to get that dinner that we had planned. He said he was definitely up for it and we should go later in the week due to our busy work schedules. We are going tonight, and he has initiated texting with me every night so far almost as soon as he gets out of work.

 

I'm wondering if I totally dissed him by not spending the night? Obviously I don't want to do anything that I'm uncomfortable with, but I feel like I might have hurt his feelings by flaking at the last minute. He seemed really happy that I was going to stay over (he is one of those people that can't hide his emotions on his face and always has a huge happy grin when we are together), but is it weird that this has all happened in the span of a week?

 

Another thing, I checked back into the dating site on Sunday to send a message to a friend who stumbled upon my profile, and I noticed that the guy hadn't been logged in since the day after our first date. However, my friend who also uses the site saw his profile online the last three nights in a row (late at night after he texted me goodnight). When I logged on, I wasn't able to see him, so I think he might have blocked me? I ended up deleting my account because I'm not in to the online dating scene, and it's not my business if he wants to date other people at this point, but I do think its weird that he started going back online the day after I wouldn't sleep over with him.

 

Like I said, he continues to initiate text conversations with me and was very quick to make plans with me again this week. I'm starting to feel like either I hurt his feelings by running out so quickly and I ruined the chance of this becoming a relationship in the future (not now), or that maybe he's got his own motives and is just texting me to keep me around (since I did kind of end it as if it were a one night stand). The fact that this all happened in a week seems pretty dramatic, but we have a lot in common so I'm not sure if I should just go with the flow for now and see what happens. Should I say something at dinner tonight? Am I over analyzing? Haha

Edited by Chalkdust89
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At this point, I was sobering up and started to feel weird about the whole thing. It felt right at the time, but I wasn't sure if three dates and sex in one week was a "normal" thing for online/casual dating

Eh, who cares what is "normal"? As long as you like it and aren't hurting anyone then what's the problem? You're both adults and can make your own decisions.

 

I'm wondering if I totally dissed him by not spending the night?

Who cares? He obviously still likes you since he is taking you to dinner. You haven't messed anything up. Honestly guys are not that fragile. If he was so offended then he wouldn't agree to see you again.

 

He asked if it was a difficult thing to do?

That is a pretty weird question. I think probably HE is worried about exactly the same thing as you are. He is probably thinking that he messed up his chances with you by asking this dumb question and is happily relieved that you agreed to carry on seeing him.

 

So - totally overreacting, yes! Don't over-think it, just enjoy. Men are straightforward creatures. If he didn't want to see you again then he wouldn't.

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Thank you for your input! My biggest weakness is that I don't know how to shut off my brain and just enjoy the moment sometimes...I hope that changes with age!

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As long as you are still talking to each other, I don't think you destroyed any part of the relationship. Do you want to keep dating him? If so, just keep doing what you are doing.

 

 

If you aren't comfortable spending the night, go home.

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