Mrlonelyone Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Is it possible to aim too low in who we seek dates and relationships with? Low as in any trait. Not just looks, but education, income, and personality. Link to post Share on other sites
isisisweeping Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Only if it makes you unhappy. Then, if you feel like you are sacrificing, I'm not sure why you would date them. If it's just from some imaginary standard, who cares? I've had friends who think that I am willing to date guys who aren't good looking enough, but I don't feel that way and looks do not mean much to me. Relationships involve two people. I would never want to date anyone who felt they were making a big sacrifice with me, and thus would never do that to anybody else. However, what anyone outside us two think is just not relevant. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Is it possible to aim too low in who we seek dates and relationships with? Low as in any trait. Not just looks, but education, income, and personality. It's not attractive to date down in personality and character, I think. It shows lack of confidence and low self esteem. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SYLLPalmer Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 No girl has the personality I want. If I was a billionaire, I'd get myself a bunch of sugar babies every year. Get those 18 year old little blonde kittens running around in their bikinis at the beach. The models. Yeah, but I'm not a billionaire, so **** it. And may you never be. Wanker! Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 It's not attractive to date down in personality and character, I think. It shows lack of confidence and low self esteem. ...or desperation. It is clear to me that the need for affection, attention and relationship often-times leads people into settling for what they know is not enough, but continue to hold on b/c there may not be better. "Better to be with the devil you know than the devil you don't." It's a sad short-coming of human nature, but many find themselves in relationships out of desperation, not fulfillment and satisfaction. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Whenever a woman mentions 'gave him a chance', even in passing, I bail. That includes friends. Not compatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Whenever a woman mentions 'gave him a chance', even in passing, I bail. That includes friends. Not compatible. What do you mean by this, carhill? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Exactly and precisely that I despise people who see other humans as rated on a scale of whether they get an audience with their glory or not. Degrading behaviors are not enabled by myself, in any form. I hope that explains it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 If there is a hole in your life & you fill it with just anybody solely because you don't want to be alone & you'd rather have a warm body then be by yourself, yes that is aiming too low. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 If the relationship brings you down, that's a bad sign. The relationship should mutually lift you up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Well, I personally only look for: - a personality I click with and I can be around often - a person WITH EMPATHY - a person who is kind and genuine. - sexual chemistry -the 'wow' factor I don't really care if I date someone that OTHER people consider is bellow my league. I don't care if they are not as academic as I am, as long as they are curious about the world around them.'' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Sure, you can date too low, if you settle for someone who has no integrity or character. Like people who date those who are abusive, or unfaithful, or addicted to drugs or alcohol. But looks are subjective. You can find someone who you wouldn't normally be attracted to, but something about this person is DIFFERENT. If it makes you happy, it doesn't matter if he/she's not that physically attractive. And you never know how two personalities will fit together. You may be looking for a bubbly energetic girl and fall in love with a studious scientist, and if you are happy, the personality doesn't matter. What matters are character, integrity, communication, honesty, compatibility in goals/values. If you have all that, you are in good shape. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Dating down only matters if the guy is a clown with ridiculously mean friends... My ex had a few friends who made fun of the way I looked and told my ex that I was not attractive, and that I was not good enough for him. As you can see from my pics, I have straight teeth, full lips and large eyes. And nice skin. I am NOT the type of girl ANYONE has EVER made fun of in my adult life. I am nothing special but man.... no normal person would think I am awful looking enough to actually make fun of and deem " not good enough" for an average looking male ( my ex was average looking) So if you date someone who lacks class or integrity, they may have similar friends who are low lifes and who give them crap for "dating down" with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 Interesting discussion so far. Here is why I asked. There has been talk of leagues in dating here. Mostly revolving around looks. Since looks are your first impression. Not the more important long term or accurate impression but they are the first impression. Too often they can be the only impression. Personality, character, integrity, self awareness, humility, yet also self esteem, and healthy boundaries are part of it. By aiming too low I mean settling for whoever will take us no matter how they treat us just to not be alone. Related to that, trying to "date down" in looks & personality in order to avoid rejection, or being cheated on/dumped. Likewise if one does that, are they just asking for failure? How low is too low? Link to post Share on other sites
Real36 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Exactly what dOnnivain said. Just that. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Interesting discussion so far. Here is why I asked. There has been talk of leagues in dating here. Mostly revolving around looks. Since looks are your first impression. Not the more important long term or accurate impression but they are the first impression. Too often they can be the only impression. Personality, character, integrity, self awareness, humility, yet also self esteem, and healthy boundaries are part of it. By aiming too low I mean settling for whoever will take us no matter how they treat us just to not be alone. Related to that, trying to "date down" in looks & personality in order to avoid rejection, or being cheated on/dumped. Likewise if one does that, are they just asking for failure? How low is too low? If you're accepting anyone, no matter how they look, how they act, how much money they make etc because you're afraid to be alone, you're dating down. And you're also forcing them to date down as well. Yes, anyone dating in the way you describe, is dating down because they are cheating themselves. Instead of embracing the period of self-discovery that comes during the times we are single, they are simply putting a band-aid on their pain, that is doomed to fail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nescafe1982 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I think one can absolutely date "low." And it can cause problems depending on what the disparity is, and how deep it is. I dated a dude for a while who was completely without ambition. He had a crappy job, a HS education, and no fire-under-the-butt get-up-and-go to him whatsoever. Drove me nuts... I resented the crap out of him for a while. But he was happy being a slug. In the end, it was the value I place on drive and ambition that made us incompatible. When I was younger, I thought that judging potential dates on whether they were successful or ambitious was somehow wrong.. like I should accept people as they are and, if the love and chemistry was there, I should be willing to look past some character flaws. But that attitude put me in some really unhappy relationships, stuffing my feelings and feeling held back, resentful. I think in the end it's about recognizing our own values and finding partners who can match (or at least compliment) those values. And if you think about it, someone who knows they are "dating down" but does it anyway isn't doing their spouse any favors... Link to post Share on other sites
WP4046 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Is it possible to aim too low in who we seek dates and relationships with? Low as in any trait. Not just looks, but education, income, and personality. What exactly would that accomplish? Isn't it better to be alone instead of dating down? Just like if I had no job I would rather be jobless than agree to work at a low paying fast food job Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mrlonelyone Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 There is a great deal of truth in this. For me it has been a realization coming on over the last several years that I am not ugly. Most of my life I have thought I must be hideous. Now I realize over the last three or four years, slowly, that I actually look good. Then I have a good education and accomplishments. I realized that I've been aiming low most of my life and ending up either resenting who I got with or being resented. I think one can absolutely date "low." And it can cause problems depending on what the disparity is, and how deep it is. I dated a dude for a while who was completely without ambition. He had a crappy job, a HS education, and no fire-under-the-butt get-up-and-go to him whatsoever. Drove me nuts... I resented the crap out of him for a while. But he was happy being a slug. In the end, it was the value I place on drive and ambition that made us incompatible. When I was younger, I thought that judging potential dates on whether they were successful or ambitious was somehow wrong.. like I should accept people as they are and, if the love and chemistry was there, I should be willing to look past some character flaws. But that attitude put me in some really unhappy relationships, stuffing my feelings and feeling held back, resentful. I think in the end it's about recognizing our own values and finding partners who can match (or at least compliment) those values. And if you think about it, someone who knows they are "dating down" but does it anyway isn't doing their spouse any favors... Link to post Share on other sites
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