He's disappeared! Long post, lots of info

[readynow]

I have been dating, sorry, chatting with a man for about 3 months. I'm late 30s, he's late 40s. We texted and chatted on Skype every day, many times a day because he was working in the states during that time but would be back in the UK for new years.

 

During our time chatting, while I said we weren't actually dating, he said we were already building something together and the fact that we weren't physically together didn't mean we weren't 'together'. By December (2months after we started chatting) he wanted me to be his girlfriend and he was saying all the right things, how I was what he has been looking for etc We did some sexual 'stuff' while skyping... I said we shouldn't think the chemistry on Skype would automatically translate - he said he liked me so much and that we could work through any such kinks.

 

Meanwhile, I've experienced all sorts of things with relationships and I tried my best to keep my emotions in check. However, in December, I started to think perhaps I was being too rigid in my thinking, perhaps we were actually 'something', perhaps I go along with things and it may lead to happily ever after...

 

So, he came into the UK on new years day and we were to go to his friend's new year party which was quite a distance away so he booked a hotel for us to stay at. The moment I saw him, I just felt happy and safe. He looked very different from on Skype - not really someone I would normally be attracted to - but it didn't matter. I just liked him and wanted to be with him.

 

Anyway, we started cuddling, and I kissed all caution away and we kept going. He then became a bit aggressive - a little pushy and rough. He wanted to go everywhere, do everything. Meanwhile, here I was, thinking we would take things a little slow, get to know each others bodies, what each other liked etc. At one point, I even told him I wanted him to stop, another time, I had a wince on my face for quite a while, there were a lot of 'stop' and 'no' etc at the end, I looked and felt very sad. We spoke briefly about my discomfort - he didn't seem to bother much. We eventually didn't go for the party - I didn't feel like going anymore. We stayed in, ordered dinner and watched tv. While I was there, from the start, he didn't seem to care very much... more like he wanted me to do the caring for him but I tried to stay positive. Anyway, we fell asleep, cuddled during the night, woke up and then we did it again. This time, a little smoother, a little quicker and then up I went to take a shower and he drove me back home.

 

On the drive back, we made small talk, a few jokes etc. We hugged as he walked me to my door and that was it. Meanwhile, I was feeling bad about the night, feeling a little pushed, a little used, and a lot stupid. I wished we had got there, talked, maybe a little kissing, got dressed, went to the party and then took it from there.

 

Well, I gave him time to drive all the way home (2hrs away) but he didn't text or call me when he got home. He didn't text or call the day after either. I rang him the next evening, he didn't pick up, I didn't leave a message. Day after that, sent him a text to say I was worried he didn't get in touch after he left and if he was ok to which he replied that he had such a busy problematic day and would ring later. He didn't ring later and I didn't ring or text him. A few days have now passed and there is still no word.

 

So... I know I was incredibly stupid for sleeping with him the first time I saw him - I'm clear about that.

 

My question is this - the sex was terrible for us both (more so for me) but we're grown ups. Couldn't he just text me to tell me what is going on? I'm not actually heartbroken because overall, I don't think I would have been very happy with him. My problem is that we have been in touch 24/7! How does 24/7 contact become 0/0? Do I ring him to ask him why the no contact? I don't want to contact him though - I think it's probably over.

 

Like I said, I'm not heartbroken, I actually feel like I dodged a bullet with this one. I guess I just feel bad that we aren't in touch anymore.

 

Has anyone been in this situation before? Guys, have you ever done the disappearing act in this way and what do you wish the girl would do?

[salparadise]

Your first mistake was investing three months in an illusion when you couldn't meet in person anytime soon. Of course you aren't the first and won't be the last, but you just have no way of knowing what sort of person you're dealing with. You were just indulging a fantasy.

 

The second mistake was not treating the first meeting like a first meeting.

 

The third mistake, now that you know what he actually is, is trying to hang onto this little fantasy as if there's something valuable to be saved. Just chalk it up as a lesson learned once and don't make this kind of mistake again.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Why are you trying to contact him?

 

The whole thing sounds horrible and like he totally played you and misrepresented himself. I would be glad that he didn't murder me or something. Be glad you didn't invest more and just let it go. Look up the movie TalHotBlonde.

[Mascara]

This is the major problem with waiting months to meet someone. The real you, they probably would have been perfectly happy with.

 

But then time goes on, it all gets intense, he builds up a more and more perfect image of you - which as you've seen, not even Skype can shatter - until you become this fantasy person in his eyes.

 

Then you meet, and you're not fantasy, you're just real. If he'd met you after a week, the real you would have been fine. But after 3 months.... He got used to the role play.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is the major problem with waiting months to meet someone. The real you, they probably would have been perfectly happy with.

 

But then time goes on, it all gets intense, he builds up a more and more perfect image of you - which as you've seen, not even Skype can shatter - until you become this fantasy person in his eyes.

 

Then you meet, and you're not fantasy, you're just real. If he'd met you after a week, the real you would have been fine. But after 3 months.... He got used to the role play.

 

I don't really agree with this. People can form strong connections online that translate into the real world. It can work in the opposite direction as well - people connect so well that even if in person they are not each other ideal physical types, the connection is there. If they met within a week of chatting it could be easily dismissed as "nah not my type, next".

 

Her experience is bad but it's a mixed bag really and there are no rules.

[Mascara]

Well obviously that's the case, because the OP also had 3 months and SHE was fine with the reality.

 

I'm talking about the fact that there ARE people who will vanish when the fantasy fails to live up to the reality. And that's the problem - you don't know who is going to fall into that category, so don't waste 3 months on it.

[veggirl]

Why do you want to hear from him? Would you respond if you did?

How could he look so different from Skype, do you think it was even him?

 

I would have left, gotten a cab or bus or whatever as soon as he started ignoring the "no" and "stop". That's scary. You are lucky nothing worse happened. Meeting for the first time at a hotel was a horrible idea too.

[readynow]

I guess I want to hear from him because I've always thought that if we can't be lovers, surely, we can be friends - daft, I know - but I've always been that way. Or maybe I'm trying to erase the bad memory and replace it with a more cordial one.

 

He was different from Skype - it was definitely him - just a little smaller than he appeared, older and more tired. Funny, cos, he also thought I looked a little bigger on Skype but I was actually really slim in reality... plus I was looking a bit more made up and dressed-up (on Skype, I was always make-up free, wearing odd pjs and the likes). Infact, I looked nicer in person because we were going out - on Skype, I always looked plain and ordinary. It took him a while to become comfortable with me - pottering around, looking away, getting stuff ready etc

 

I was fine with the reality because I've never really been into looks so what he looked like made no difference to me.

 

I'm so tempted to ring him though - just to know what he's thinking! Silly.

[ChessPieceFace]

I talked to a girl for years, we seemed to have a good bit in common, but in person it was usually a mess. Try not to invest too much emotion in anyone before you meet them. Sadly, it's usually a waste of time, because the odds are good you aren't compatible, and will find out in person.

[Zahara]

OP, completely lacking in personal boundaries.

 

And even when you state you know you dodged a bullet, why in the hell would you still hope for contact? Why would you want to be in contact with someone that you claim to be of danger to you?

 

Count your blessings he has disappeared. You don't want to be involved or roped in again. Let this go. You're holding on to the illusion of what he was behind a computer screen when you should be running the other way because he's just shown you who he really is, in person.

[soccerrprp]

I guess I want to hear from him because I've always thought that if we can't be lovers, surely, we can be friends - daft, I know - but I've always been that way. Or maybe I'm trying to erase the bad memory and replace it with a more cordial one.

 

After that experience you really think you can be "friends?" He's not friend material and he used you. You certainly don't want someone who used you for a friend.

[Zahara]

Friend? After the way he treated you, you want to be friends? Do all your friends treat you that way. C'mon.

 

Call him? Silence is a clear message. If someone is interested in speaking to you they will reach out.

 

I'm not sure why you keep wanting to chase this man.

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP, completely lacking in personal boundaries.

 

And even when you state you know you dodged a bullet, why in the hell would you still hope for contact? Why would you want to be in contact with someone that you claim to be of danger to you?

 

Count your blessings he has disappeared. You don't want to be involved or roped in again. Let this go. You're holding on to the illusion of what he was behind a computer screen when you should be running the other way because he's just shown you who he really is, in person.

 

Yeah, from what she posted he nearly raped her (after she kept saying "no" and "stop"). I can't imagine having tender, loving feelings for someone like that again. He also could have responded with brief "I don't feel the chemistry" or the like after talking to her for 3 months..This guy is a total douche, good riddance.

[Zahara]

Yeah, from what she posted he nearly raped her (after she kept saying "no" and "stop"). I can't imagine having tender, loving feelings for someone like that again. He also could have responded with brief "I don't feel the chemistry" or the like after talking to her for 3 months..This guy is a total douche, good riddance.

 

If I had to say "stop" and "no" to a guy because he was being forceful, I damn well wouldn't be staying the night, but most of all, I wouldn't be having sex with him again come the morning.

 

And especially after communicating how uncomfortable it was and he couldn't care a damn bit. My behind would have been out of there. But no OP, you had sex with him again in the morning even when he showed you no care for how you felt the night before when you communicated your discomfort to him re: sex that night.

 

My take is that you will do anything to get the guy to like you/accept you/validate you even when you know he's bad for you. Even when it's crossing all your boundaries. It's not because you want to be friends -- it's because you want to be validated and accepted.

[soccerrprp]

If I had to say "stop" and "no" to a guy because he was being forceful, I damn well wouldn't be staying the night, but most of all, I wouldn't be having sex with him again come the morning.

 

And especially after communicating how uncomfortable it was and he couldn't care a damn bit. My behind would have been out of there. But no OP, you had sex with him again in the morning even when he showed you no care for how you felt the night before when you communicated your discomfort to him re: sex that night.

 

My take is that you will do anything to get the guy to like you/accept you/validate you even when you know he's bad for you. Even when it's crossing all your boundaries. It's not because you want to be friends -- it's because you want to be validated and accepted.

 

It simply saddens me to read/hear/learn about such. I shake my head and ask myself why do people allow themselves to be used and not break away? What ominous force keeps us from realizing that things are not good and that we need to extract ourselves from that situation, relationship NOW?

[Zahara]

It simply saddens me to read/hear/learn about such. I shake my head and ask myself why do people allow themselves to be used and not break away? What ominous force keeps us from realizing that things are not good and that we need to extract ourselves from that situation, relationship NOW?

 

Speaking for myself and the mistakes that I made -- I let men bust my boundaries because I was desperate to feel love and validation, I was dependent on someone else to make me happy, but most of all, I was fearful of being alone. In the back of my head, I would be screaming this is so wrong but I would quickly resort to talking myself into accepting that it was all I could do/get and that it was better than nothing. Kept me staying.

 

Older and wiser now.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I agree Zahara but I am trying to not be too hard on her. She probably feels pretty bad about the whole thing anyway. Just because she has poor boundaries, it's no excuse for others to take advantage of that.

[soccerrprp]

Speaking for myself and the mistakes that I made -- I let men bust my boundaries because I was desperate to feel love and validation, I was dependent on someone else to make me happy, but most of all, I was fearful of being alone. In the back of my head, I would be screaming this is so wrong but I would quickly resort to talking myself into accepting that it was all I could do/get and that it was better than nothing. Kept me staying.

 

Older and wiser now.

 

I hear you Zahara. I am a dating a woman that was engaged for 8-years with a man she says that she knew from the start was not good for her. Even after years of being taken advantage of, she gave him inexplicable chances. I regret and admit that I sometimes wonder....she too was looking for validation, acceptance though from a source entirely unworthy.

 

OP, I am sorry if I sound judgmental. I can be, but not trying to be pernicious. Move forward....be healthy.

[Emilia]

A very sad thread.

[carhill]

IMO, black booker (roster guy) and likely married (the hotel and not going to the party set those canaries off for me) and bullet dodged, it appears. One more piece of tuition at relationship U. Men do what they do. Sorry about that. Meh.

[Eternal Sunshine]

A very sad thread.

 

Yeah it made me feel almost sick. I hope OP can forget this loser.

[readynow]

Everyone,

In my head, I completely agree with what you have all said. The funny thing is that I am the first to come down hard on any of my friends if they acted the way I did and I am. In fact, I lost my best friend of 20yrs because I refused to accept that her what she and her internet boyfriend (now fiancé) had was real. In all my 30something years, I have never slept with someone I only just met.I did however marry someone who acted this way to me and eventually divorced him for those reasons but since my divorce many years ago, I never let anyone treat me that way. I have been extra protective of myself but this time decided to throw all caution to the wind - Lord knows why. I guess like someone up here mentioned, I had built such an image of him in my mind behind that screen that I was hoping reality really wasn't real.

 

The reason I came here was to hear the exact things you're saying. I don't mind you being judgemental or harsh - if it were me, I would probably say worse. It's so out of character for me that I can't even tell my closest friends what happened. I told them I didn't spend the night and left when things became too intense - which is what I would normally do.

 

My real problem is that I made a huge mistake that night and I slept with him hoping to correct it. I was trying to regain respect where there was none and hoping all would then be well and I could then break things up later while looking and smelling clean.

 

I feel terrible about it and I guess I was hoping that if we spoke, I would be able to justify events to myself.

[Emilia]

My real problem is that I made a huge mistake that night and I slept with him hoping to correct it. I was trying to regain respect where there was none and hoping all would then be well and I could then break things up later while looking and smelling clean.

 

I feel terrible about it and I guess I was hoping that if we spoke, I would be able to justify events to myself.

It's good that your recognise this. It's hard to admit to ourselves when we allow someone to treat us badly and we run after them to try to gain their respect and acceptance. Everyone is a flawed human being and makes mistakes, including you OP. Don't be hard on yourself.

[soccerrprp]

 

I feel terrible about it and I guess I was hoping that if we spoke, I would be able to justify events to myself.

 

Again, I apologize if I have been judgmental, but DO NOT try to justify any of this! Chalk it up as a mistake and move forward. Don't fall into a pattern where you try to justify, thus, oversimplifying, the mistakes you make. We all make them. The key is to acknowledge, forgive yourself to heal and then move on.

[Zahara]

My real problem is that I made a huge mistake that night and I slept with him hoping to correct it. I was trying to regain respect where there was none and hoping all would then be well and I could then break things up later while looking and smelling clean.

 

I feel terrible about it and I guess I was hoping that if we spoke, I would be able to justify events to myself.

 

You have to chalk this up as a lesson learned. Nothing good will come from you speaking to him.

 

The only justification you need is the one that you can give to yourself -- in that you had a lapse in judgment and that it is time to let it go and step away based on what you know deep down was not right for you.