melell Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I am curious, what do you think about people with the attitude of 'I'll do whatever it takes to be with the person I want' (within reason) and then applies this to romantic relationships. There is a person I have been hung up on for a long time. Even while in another relationship I still thought about this person all the time. There was mutual attraction between us, but we ended up living in separate cities. We talk every now and then, but it seems pretty pointless because we don't live near each other. Sometimes I find myself thinking f*** it, I will move back to his city, and try to be with then (I am pretty sure he would reciprocate). Even if I am wrong, and it is only infatuation, or it is only what I 'think' I want, at least I would know. This is only spur of the moment logic, but I am getting pretty frustrated with thinking about someone I hardly know.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 'I'll do whatever it takes to be with the person I want' (within reason) I did just that this past summer. I'm with her now, will ask her to marry me in a couple of months...for me, I wanted her and despite the obstacles and uncertainty, I told myself that I had nothing to lose, but a ton to gain. You have to have a plan of action, be reasonable and not emotional overly invested or blind. Be methodical, objective and be prepared that he may not be what you envisioned after all. But, for now, as you are single, think, think, think.... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I did just that this past summer. I'm with her now, will ask her to marry me in a couple of months...for me, I wanted her and despite the obstacles and uncertainty, I told myself that I had nothing to lose, but a ton to gain. You have to have a plan of action, be reasonable and not emotional overly invested or blind. Be methodical, objective and be prepared that he may not be what you envisioned after all. This is what I have done too though not in the position yet to be fully sure whether it has paid off. There was a voice in my head to keep at it and as far as I can tell he maintained a soft spot for me over the years too. There was something in me that drove me on despite very obvious obstacles. He says he is rather fond of me but will see how that translates to reality longer term. If it doesn't work this time however, I know I gave my all (and probably he did too) and will have to walk away. I know this 100%. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Emilia, I am with you! It would have been one heck of a ride/adventure/story to tell the kids or someone else depending on whether it works out or not! Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I would never move just to love closer to somebody I would like to date but did not have an actual relationship with. If there were other more logical reasons to move -- better job etc. -- sure but just for the hope that somebody would go out with me. . .no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I would never move just to love closer to somebody I would like to date but did not have an actual relationship with. If there were other more logical reasons to move -- better job etc. -- sure but just for the hope that somebody would go out with me. . .no. I absolutely agree with this....I am in the process of moving closer to my gf, but I made it clear that I would not do so to continue dating her. I do have a plan B if things change, of course, but we, my gf and I, are on the same page that my move is and will be a demonstration of our commitment towards engagement and nothing less. Otherwise, plan B takes effect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author melell Posted January 9, 2014 Author Share Posted January 9, 2014 It does seem so insane to me. I am living in ny, but am from NZ, and am going back to start my phd there in a few months. The city that he lives in I have lived in before, but it isn't where I will be doing my work, at the same time I will have the freedom to move about once I've started, so I could go for an extended holiday in that city to see what happens. Sigh. I still feel a little like the whole mindset is a bit insane.. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 melell -- You are moving for your PhD, not solely for him. That doesn't bother me as much as moving just because the other person is there but you have no other reason to be there. Since you live in NY, I'll make it a bit more area specific. If I wanted to finish my PhD & got accepted to Princeton, but the guy I liked lived in NYC, I'd move to some town on the NE Corridor NJ Transit that made it easy for me to go to school & see him rather than moving to Princeton itself. It's more compromise. But if I had no other reason to be in the NY Metro area, other than him, I'd stay where I was but visit until we at least got engaged if that was ever in the cards. I'm not saying I wouldn't try to find a job near him but I'd expect him to look near me too & I wouldn't move straight in with him. Does that make things clearer? Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Moving because you want to be closer to him? Sorry, that's a big risk that you're taking to do it. I can only hope that things work out for the best and that you will end up with whoever you are pursuing, because doing something like that puts a lot of pressure on the other party who is already in the city in question. It can and will look like chasing, and you don't want to be a chaser, especially if you are a woman. I was in an LDR with someone who lived in another city/state. We were together for about two years, and I never once mentioned anything about my wanting to move to his city. Quite honestly, I was waiting for him to ask me to move to his city. He never did, and I was not about to leave my city where all my friends/family are because of him unless he asked. He would break it off (for a few reasons besides this one). Personally I never understood why people did this when they didn't have the specific instruction of the other party (not a demand but request). If you do end up moving to be closer to someone else, you will end up living in a city where you don't know anyone, have nothing but a job, and will end up unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I am curious, what do you think about people with the attitude of 'I'll do whatever it takes to be with the person I want' (within reason) that was my set of mind when it came to my girlfriend! I know a lot of people thought I was nuts but truth is I'd of walked on water for us to be together. I had nothing to lose - sure there were other girls, great girls, pretty, smart - they just weren't her. I guess it's what was drummed into me all my life by various coaches and family - 'you don't leave anything on the pitch', I wanted her and I wanted to know I'd a the very least given everything I had. Link to post Share on other sites
Targetlock Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 at the end of the day you got to the cost and risks with the payoff, basically is it worth it? the only problem with these kind of decisions is you only truly if you do it ( plus regret sucks ) and i have been in may of those kind of situations but not one like yours and wish you good luck in what ever you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
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