HopelessRomanticgirl Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Cares but isnt on love... Ive been with my boyfriend now for 7 years, I love him and he's there for me. However, He still says that he is 'not in love with me but cares'. Now I find this very confusing because he knows I love him, support him, encourage him with goals ect. But Im beggining to wonder if Im just plain silly sticking around with a man who does not love me after 7 years. He's 29 and Im 25. He wants to have kids with me and live together but I told him that id rather live with him in a 'loving' relationship, also I dont think its fair to have kids with someone who doesnt love you. A part of me thinks he's playing an emotional game with me. It hurts after so long, I feel so stupid saying I Love You only to hear silence back from him. He is not in love which he told me straight out but said he wants to be with me. Ive never met such a confusing person. I dont know what to do, how long does one wait x Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 You deserve more from a significant other. If love isn't there from both people then it is time to end things. Do not have kids with him 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Shashasha Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 You deserve more from a significant other. If love isn't there from both people then it is time to end things. Do not have kids with him exact same thing with my ex. I used to tell him I love him and he would say I know - he doesn't love me but he cares. It is SO frustrating - mine didn't last because it got me so insecure and caused too many fights..its been 7 years for you - you should definitely reconsider this. Maybe he takes a while to love, but I would think 7 years is just too long. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Conners Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 I would not marry anyone unless we were both "crazy in love" with each other. I dated a guy I cared about for a long time but didn't really love him and in the end it didn't work. I think love is so important! Especially regarding marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eivuwan Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 it shouldn't take 7 years for someone to love someone. wtf? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessRomanticgirl Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 it shouldn't take 7 years for someone to love someone. wtf? Thanks for your replies. I totally agree, he makes me feel like its normal for 7 years to pass without falling in love. You know when someone gets into your head and you think your in the wrong, when really its them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessRomanticgirl Posted January 8, 2014 Author Share Posted January 8, 2014 It feels like a long slow break up. The feeling of always trying to make him love you gets tiring and draining after a while. I feel stupid but all I ever did was try to be the girl he'd fall in love with. Judged myself and thought there was something wrong with me but its him. Its funny because since Ive been with him Ive had 2 of my best guy friends tell me that they have 'fallen' for me. Ive always turned them away as I continued to wait for him to fall for me. I think he takes my love for granted! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Thanks for your replies. I totally agree, he makes me feel like its normal for 7 years to pass without falling in love. You know when someone gets into your head and you think your in the wrong, when really its them. Not "normal." Oh, good grief, 7 years!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????? I would have left him inside of 2-years.......... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 Wow. 7 years is a long time. I'm not sure I would have stuck around for 7 months. Why do you want to settle for less? I'm going to throw the old Ann Landers question at you: before you do anything determine if you would be better off with him or without him. That's your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 (edited) It feels like a long slow break up. The feeling of always trying to make him love you gets tiring and draining after a while. I feel stupid but all I ever did was try to be the girl he'd fall in love with. Judged myself and thought there was something wrong with me but its him. Its funny because since Ive been with him Ive had 2 of my best guy friends tell me that they have 'fallen' for me. Ive always turned them away as I continued to wait for him to fall for me. I think he takes my love for granted! There are girls that your boyfriend would meet, and fall in love with within 3 months. He met you... He obviously really liked you and wanted to keep spending a lot of time with you, despite not feeling the chemistry and feeling as though he was falling " in love" Many guys AND girls do this....They meet someone they think is cute and really great to be around, and they forge a very long term relationship with them. After all, not everyone will turn down someone who they are attracted to and who they really like as a person, EVEN if there is not sufficient chemistry; it is the chemistry PLUS mutual respect and admiration of who the person is, that leads you do being " in love" This is common, so many people spend years with a person they are simply not in love with, because they see them as nice people who they enjoy sex with; they think you are really great, so why break up with you? Furthermore, some people also look at merely being IN love as NOT a necessity. Not EVERYONE needs to fall in love with their partner. Many people simply want a life partner who provides for them and who they really like having around them. The last thing I want you to consider is: some people think falling in love is a thing of fairy tales and that it is too much to ask for, to expect to fall genuinely in love with a partner. A lot of people think you are supposed to select a good partner and future wife and mother, and not worry for the lovey dovey stuff. As you can see, there is a whole host of things to consider here. Personally, I only date people who I have the wow factor with, and where we both fall in love hard and fast, where it seems like a special love compared to our other loves. I wouldn't wait 4 months for a guy to fall in love, since I know there are women out there who they would be MORE crazy about, and who they would fall in love with within weeks to 3 months tops. I would not get to 7 months without a man falling in love with me, much less 7 years. MANY women on here would feel the same as me. Edited January 8, 2014 by Leigh 87 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 It feels like a long slow break up. The feeling of always trying to make him love you gets tiring and draining after a while. I feel stupid but all I ever did was try to be the girl he'd fall in love with. Judged myself and thought there was something wrong with me but its him. Its funny because since Ive been with him Ive had 2 of my best guy friends tell me that they have 'fallen' for me. Ive always turned them away as I continued to wait for him to fall for me. I think he takes my love for granted! You aren't stupid. You clearly felt strongly for your significant other. It must be painful to hear him say that he doesn't love you. Sometimes people do not muster up enough strength to walk away from these relationships and it becomes a long goodbye. You will continue missing opportunities until pursue your own happiness. So why not take the time to think about what's best for you? What would life be like if you involved yourself with a man who claims to have fallen for you instead? At least think about your future. Having a child is something to approach with humility. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 caring ... sounds like something a brother says to a sister, not a man to a woman he has any interest in being with long term. he's probably very comfortable with you, but it's not to your benefit to stay in a relationship like this, and certainly not to have kids with him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChessPieceFace Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 7 years, that sounds ridiculous to me. I don't see how it could happen at that point, or even after say 1 year. Whether it's a deal-breaker, that's your decision to make. To most people I think it would be, and it sounds like it is for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I dont know what to do, how long does one wait You wait until you want more than someone letting you love them, then you act to remedy that situation. Tip: You have no control over any other person but complete control over yourself. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 After 7 years, he's not going to suddenly fall in love with you. What you have now is likely about the best it's going to get. You just have to ask yourself: Does this work for you, or not? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
odin673 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Caring deeply about a person is love. Infatuation is often called being "in love". That will fade for most healthy people. The hormones do die down. Did your boyfriend "love" you when you first met? When did he fall out? I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations. Humans are animals that are generically programmed to spread the seed far and wide. Having the same partner doesn't mesh well with our biology. Eventually the hormones will tell you to go searching for something new. Sounds like your bf isn't a slave to his hormones. I wouldn't count him out for being honest with you. Link to post Share on other sites
tlegend Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Caring deeply about a person is love. Infatuation is often called being "in love". That will fade for most healthy people. The hormones do die down. Did your boyfriend "love" you when you first met? When did he fall out? I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations. Humans are animals that are generically programmed to spread the seed far and wide. Having the same partner doesn't mesh well with our biology. Eventually the hormones will tell you to go searching for something new. Sounds like your bf isn't a slave to his hormones. I wouldn't count him out for being honest with you. To be fair, I do believe you deserve more. It's been 7 years and he isn't giving you what you want. I feel that you should be frank with him and let him know that if he can't love you like you need him to as a significant other, then he needs to let you go so you can find someone who can. If he truly cares about your happiness, he will understand regardless of how upset it makes him. Don't let him sit on the cake when theres a fat kid around ever corner. Terrible metaphor....but you get the point. Link to post Share on other sites
odin673 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 To be fair, I do believe you deserve more. Did you not read my post? Just about every long term married person has told me the same thing "Lust fades, live stays". Love is subjective and it is very possible that the OP's boyfriend feels the exact same way about her as she does about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Some people are content with a practical arrangement for companionship that doesn't reflect any particular special feelings or romance. The OP's boyfriend has told her he's not in love with her, and does not tell her he loves her. This sounds to me like a glorified Friends with Benefits arrangement, not a loving relationship. Many women would be unhappy being with a guy who admits he's not in love and does not say I love you. I've had sound practical offers for marriage. But without real love, I can't do it. I know I'd end up very unhappy in that situation, and the relationship would almost certainly not last - which would cause big problems not only for me, but also the man and children, if we had them. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I am assuming he NEVER wants to get married, and is purely happy living a non-committed life with you, and will some day fall in love with someone else, and leave you without having to divorce you. This dude is smart! He should teach a class about "How to Get All the Benefits of a Relationship without Having to Contribute or Commit". Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts