Been called too picky

[Onethirtyeight]

I had a girl say I was being too picky today, this has happened before with other people and I'm starting to get annoyed by it. I want to be selective and only be in relationships I really enjoy. I'm just wondering if other people would call me picky and I should just keep this too myself next time it comes up in conversation. I do get what I want albeit less often than I would like.

 

-I must be very attracted to her, like 8/10 physically if you want a metric. Keep in mind I'm talking about in respect to me, not anyone else.

-Must be an authentically nice person

-Must be intelligent enough to speak properly and hold conversations

-Can't be a extremist feminist that gets offended if I open doors, pay for food, carry her over puddles etc.

-Has to be emotionally stable, I really don't want drama

-Needs to have some sort of goal(s)/aspirations

 

I honestly don't care about similar interests, religion, or profession which I think counteracts a lot of the other things I'm being selective about. Or are other people not going to see it this way and just give me a hard time?

 

Also yes I am aware this girl probably liked me a little and that's why she was bringing it up. She probably wanted to see if she was my type. I'm going out on a limb and going to say she was probably a little irritated when she found out she wasn't.

[ShyGuy5]

I guess Im not picky after all

[pteromom]

I don't think your list points to being too picky. The physical part, maybe, but then you qualified it by saying 8/10 to YOU, so I don't think that sounds too picky either.

 

Go for what you want, and don't worry about what other people think about it. If time goes by and you find you aren't finding anyone who meets your criteria, then evaluate each of them to see where you can loosen them up and still be happy.

[Onethirtyeight]

I don't think your list points to being too picky. The physical part, maybe, but then you qualified it by saying 8/10 to YOU, so I don't think that sounds too picky either.

 

Go for what you want, and don't worry about what other people think about it. If time goes by and you find you aren't finding anyone who meets your criteria, then evaluate each of them to see where you can loosen them up and still be happy.

 

I'm not really worried about finding someone who really works. I know that will happen. I also don't have that hard of a time finding women who fit this.

 

I'm just wondering if I should keep it to myself even when someone asks. Its happened a few times when I've said this and the person I tell it to goes on to tell me how I'm being too picky or there are not many women like that.

 

EDIT: Also I see I made a typo in the OP, on to vs too, I don't know how that happened.

Edited January 7, 2014 by Onethirtyeight

[MrCastle]

We're all entitled to be picky. You just have to understand that as a result, dating will be harder in terms of finding a match.

 

I'm extremely picky when it comes to judging personality/character and as such, only truly connect with that rare woman. I've decided though, that quality is better than quantity. I also don't think it's fair to date a girl I'm not super into. She deserves someone who is 100% into her, not someone who can take her or leave her.

 

So as a result, I don't do as well as I could be doing quantity wise -- but greatly enjoy where I end up quality wise.

[Onethirtyeight]

We're all entitled to be picky. You just have to understand that as a result, dating will be harder in terms of finding a match.

 

I'm extremely picky when it comes to judging personality/character and as such, only truly connect with that rare woman. I've decided though, that quality is better than quantity. I also don't think it's fair to date a girl I'm not super into. She deserves someone who is 100% into her, not someone who can take her or leave her.

 

So as a result, I don't do as well as I could be doing quantity wise -- but greatly enjoy where I end up quality wise.

 

I feel the same way. Do you just not tell people this? I'd imagine you'd get the same kind of flack I get. I mean we're both pretty much saying "yeah I'll be single until someone I really like comes a long then I'll go for them and really enjoy being with them"

[Grumpybutfun]

I find it rather interesting when someone tells me I am wrong on my opinions, since that is just their opinion. Your list doesn't seem overtly picky to me. I especially agree on aspirations and drama free...seems to be an epidemic these days that people need soap opera drama and don't have any direction in their lives.

If people disagree, just say, you asked for my thoughts on the matter. My preferences aren't open to discussion as they are my preferences, and I stick by them. That should shut them up unless they are just argumentative for the hell of it.

Good chat,

G

[MrCastle]

I feel the same way. Do you just not tell people this? I'd imagine you'd get the same kind of flack I get. I mean we're both pretty much saying "yeah I'll be single until someone I really like comes a long then I'll go for them and really enjoy being with them"

 

Well, I only tell the women whom pass the test. You know, be honest with them. Tell them "this may sound cliche, but I'm pretty picky. But I dig you a lot. That's rare."

 

They're happy to hear that. I think everyone feels good about themselves knowing they've beaten out other people.

 

I don't say "I'm picky" as a reason for rejecting someone else. No one wants to hear that they weren't good enough. I just tell them they deserve someone who has more chemistry with them and I don't think I'm that guy.

[Onethirtyeight]

Well, I only tell the women whom pass the test. You know, be honest with them. Tell them "this may sound cliche, but I'm pretty picky. But I dig you a lot. That's rare."

 

They're happy to hear that. I think everyone feels good about themselves knowing they've beaten out other people.

 

I don't say "I'm picky" as a reason for rejecting someone else. No one wants to hear that they weren't good enough. I just tell them they deserve someone who has more chemistry with them and I don't think I'm that guy.

 

Right I don't do that either I've just had women, and some of my male friends for that matter, ask me about my type and then call me out on it when I tell them. I can say with my friends its just because they think I would get laid more if I just hit on everything with a pulse but that's another story.

[Eggplant]

Your list sounds perfect. Not too picky at all. My list for a man would be almost identical.

[pteromom]

I'm just wondering if I should keep it to myself even when someone asks. Its happened a few times when I've said this and the person I tell it to goes on to tell me how I'm being too picky or there are not many women like that.

 

If someone says you are being too picky, say "Damn right... I don't want any woman; I want the right woman."

 

If someone says there aren't many women like that, say "No, there aren't, but they are worth holding out for."

 

Stand up for your convictions. Doesn't matter what other people say. Their opinions do not define you.

[pteromom]

I can say with my friends its just because they think I would get laid more if I just hit on everything with a pulse but that's another story.

 

You would. But maybe getting laid more isn't your top priority, and that's ok too. They can hit on the girls they like, and you being picky just leaves more girls for them. Win win situation for all!

[Elias33]

Not too picky. Just don't be so scientific about it. Sometimes it is the people that we think are too different that surprise us the most.

 

Over the years I have loosened my "demands" not because I became more desperate, but I found that sometimes you don't always know what is going to make a good match for you.

 

But as for having preferences or guidelines, there is nothing wrong with that. While on the other hand, opening yourself up to a wider range of prospecting partners cannot hurt either.

[MixedUpChick]

Not too picky. Just don't be so scientific about it. Sometimes it is the people that we think are too different that surprise us the most.

 

Over the years I have loosened my "demands" not because I became more desperate, but I found that sometimes you don't always know what is going to make a good match for you.

 

But as for having preferences or guidelines, there is nothing wrong with that. While on the other hand, opening yourself up to a wider range of prospecting partners cannot hurt either.

 

I think this is great advice, exactly what I was thinking. Know what you want, but also be open-minded enough to realize that what you want may not be what's right for you. Have your ideal woman in mind but keep your eyes open so you won't overlook someone who might be perfect for you, even if they don't fit the criteria on your list.

[Onethirtyeight]

If someone says you are being too picky, say "Damn right... I don't want any woman; I want the right woman."

 

If someone says there aren't many women like that, say "No, there aren't, but they are worth holding out for."

 

Stand up for your convictions. Doesn't matter what other people say. Their opinions do not define you.

 

I don't have any trouble defending myself. Its just hard to have it not become an argument, which isn't something I'm uncomfortable with I just don't want to do it with my friends. But I agree with everything you said.

 

I think this is great advice, exactly what I was thinking. Know what you want, but also be open-minded enough to realize that what you want may not be what's right for you. Have your ideal woman in mind but keep your eyes open so you won't overlook someone who might be perfect for you, even if they don't fit the criteria on your list.

 

I'd say I'm open to a lot of different personality types and stuff like that. I think most my criteria is pretty much stuff where you get what you see and I'm probably not going to be happy if I go outside of it. I mean if I couldn't say all of those things about the person I'm with I think it would spell trouble, just knowing myself, I pretty much want the antithesis of the people on Jersey Shore.

[GemmaUK]

I don't think that's terribly picky - it isto some degree but there's nothing wrong with that.

 

If it starts an argument though jusy halt it by saying 'yes, I am picky'.

They can't argue if you let it not bother you.

[SYLLPalmer]

EDIT: Also I see I made a typo in the OP, on to vs too, I don't know how that happened.

 

At least you are not a hypocrite.

[SYLLPalmer]

-I must be very attracted to her, like 8/10 physically if you want a metric. Keep in mind I'm talking about in respect to me, not anyone else.

-Must be an authentically nice person

-Must be intelligent enough to speak properly and hold conversations

-Can't be a extremist feminist that gets offended if I open doors, pay for food, carry her over puddles etc.

-Has to be emotionally stable, I really don't want drama

-Needs to have some sort of goal(s)/aspirations

 

.

 

So essentially you can swap out any of the following and be less picky. But which one? Hmmmm they are all so hot and enticing.

 

• Intimacy restricted to dark rooms
  
• Exhibits blatant disdain for the less fortunate, the elderly and the sick
  
• Talks in double negatives and her mouth is always moving but she still says nothing.
  
• Her idea of a gentleman is recognition that no penis doesn't a "cripple or welfare case" make.
  
• Has unrealistic expectations and puts me down a lot
  
• Lays around all day thinking of "ways to work the system"
  

 

[Els]

You should absolutely go for whomever you want. You do both yourself and the woman a disservice if you try and make yourself settle for someone whom you don't really want.

 

That being said, why are so many people calling you 'picky'? Is that an out of the blue thing, or are they saying it in response to something (like you complaining you can't get a gf etc)?

[Onethirtyeight]

So essentially you can swap out any of the following and be less picky. But which one? Hmmmm they are all so hot and enticing.

 

• Intimacy restricted to dark rooms
  
• Exhibits blatant disdain for the less fortunate, the elderly and the sick
  
• Talks in double negatives and her mouth is always moving but she still says nothing.
  
• Her idea of a gentleman is recognition that no penis doesn't a "cripple or welfare case" make.
  
• Has unrealistic expectations and puts me down a lot
  
• Lays around all day thinking of "ways to work the system"
  

 

 

The woman I was talking to today had these wonderful qualities going for her. I'm so horribly picky because I don't want that

[Onethirtyeight]

If you have to ask someone if you are too picky...then you prob are.

 

I'm not asking if I'm too picky. I have my stance on that. I want to know what you think so I can avoid people telling me this.

 

You should absolutely go for whomever you want. You do both yourself and the woman a disservice if you try and make yourself settle for someone whom you don't really want.

 

That being said, why are so many people calling you 'picky'? Is that an out of the blue thing, or are they saying it in response to something (like you complaining you can't get a gf etc)?

 

Oh no I am not one of those people that complains about being single. I go on dates fairly often but I don't tell my friends about it. I try to keep my relationships personal and probably look like a bit of a dating loser to people that aren't in the know.

 

I think it breaks down into two different reasons:

 

-My friends see I'm "single" and think I'm unhappy because I'm not constantly talking about dates and I don't have a gf so they try to "fix" that. They like to point out women who are showing some slight interest in me or maybe they're known for being easy. They suggest I go for them and tell me to just lower my standards and have fun. They don't understand the concept of a guy passing up an opportunity for sex, it just doesn't make sense to them.

 

-Women that are trying to find out what my type is because they have some motive. Maybe they want to date me or maybe they're trying to set me up with a friend. They then like to complain about how no one is perfect and I've made my dating pool really small and so on.

 

Both situations are from people trying to fix a problem that isn't there. Maybe there is a little desire to "knock me down a peg" too because I might come off as full of myself when I say I'm only interested in women I find very attractive.

Edited January 8, 2014 by Onethirtyeight

[Els]

Meh, ignore them and be yourself, then. Your dating life is none of their business, and you will have to live with the partner you choose, not them.

[Arieswoman]

Onethirtyeight,

Yes, you should be "picky", very "picky" and if anyone questions it say "Yes, I am picky because I have high standards for both myself and others".

 

After my first marriage broke up I was single for 15 years before I met the man I am now married to. I am very glad I set the bar high.

 

Some people told me I wouldn't never find anyone because I was "too picky". I told them that I was "picky" because choosing a lfe partner was a serious matter.

 

It always amazes me that people will go to all lengths before they buy a car(automobile) ask loads of questions/do inspections/look at service history/ look at number of previous owners/ ask about performance & reliability but won't check out other potential partners before they start getting into relationships with them.

 

None of your criteria seem unreasonable to me, so Good Luck.

[pteromom]

I want to know what you think so I can avoid people telling me this.

 

You can't.

 

Here's something you need to learn about people.

 

They tend to look at any of your differences as personal attack on THEIR choices. So if a friend tries to get laid by any woman with a pulse, and he sees you doing things differently, he has two choices.

 

- accept that he is different than you and/or analyze his own choices to figure out whether he is being the person he wants to be. This takes introspection and work though. So most people take the second choice...

 

- criticize or judge you for your differences and try to shame you into changing to be more like them, which validates their choices and makes them feel "right".

 

You are going to deal with this your whole life. Even when you read the threads here, you'll see people getting all intensely defensive about their choices and criticizing others for not thinking the same way.

 

Your best option is to make a decision not to have a reaction and not let them under your skin. Keep it rational and calm and matter-of fact.

 

"Hey 138... you are too damn picky!"

"I hear ya." or "Yes I know." or (smile).

Don't get involved in an argument/debate. Don't ask "why do you think that?" which just keeps the conversation going. Just agree and move on.

 

"Hey 138... you are cute, wanna go out sometime?" (from a woman who isn't your type)

"I am very flattered, but not interested."

If she argues or tries to talk you into it, say "Sorry, but I have my eye on someone else." (She doesn't need to know it's a person you haven't met yet.

 

You want to be confident in your stance, and shut down the conversation without giving opportunity for them to argue back.

[newmoon]

I've recently decided that I can be as picky as I want as long as I'm offering up exactly what I'm seeking. If you want an 8 in appearance then be an 8, 9 or 10 yourself. Hold out for what you want and don't settle.