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I was wondering, while you were dating....did you ever go through a period where you were surprised the person found you attractive enough to date, while others were completely turned off by your appearance?

 

Like recently, I was turned down because I looked "too old for my age", she wasn't much to look at herself as she had a few pounds to her, but yet I had very attractive, athletic women have no problem going out with me .

 

Kind of a silly question, as physical appearances are subjective, but as a person does this sometimes surprise you or did you go through a period of your life where it surprised you?

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Grumpybutfun

Physical attraction can be subjective. In the Navy, I was always amazed at the girls some of the guys thought was attractive as I didn't find them attractive at all.

I think it is rude for her to tell you that she thought you looked older. She could have just said there wasn't a spark or something. Her loss.

G

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Sand Man Dan
I was wondering, while you were dating....did you ever go through a period where you were surprised the person found you attractive enough to date, while others were completely turned off by your appearance?

 

Like recently, I was turned down because I looked "too old for my age", she wasn't much to look at herself as she had a few pounds to her, but yet I had very attractive, athletic women have no problem going out with me .

 

Kind of a silly question, as physical appearances are subjective, but as a person does this sometimes surprise you or did you go through a period of your life where it surprised you?

 

Nobody is attractive to everybody. As you said, attraction is subjective. Some people will find you physically attractive and some won't. Just dress your best, hit the gym, and be the best man you can be

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Nobody is attractive to everybody. As you said, attraction is subjective. Some people will find you physically attractive and some won't. Just dress your best, hit the gym, and be the best man you can be

 

Right, I do all that...so it's moot. lol

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Sand Man Dan
Right, I do all that...so it's moot. lol

 

Then what else can you do? Are all your options for self improvement being utilized? Is there nothing else? If not, then be at peace. You feel me? If you honestly can't change anything then just accept that.

 

But we both know that's not the case.

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Value and Attainability.

 

The short version of the below is that you have a quantifiable mate value which can be determined from scientific means and which is invariant. (If you object to this please read the below I explain what I mean.) This is why no one should ever take any single rejection or acceptance of a date to heart. Look at the big picture long term record.

 

However, how people react to that value is what varies. If your value is high and they at least think theirs is too low they will reject you. Likewise if they at least think their value is much higher than yours you will be rejected.

 

I was wondering, while you were dating....did you ever go through a period where you were surprised the person found you attractive enough to date, while others were completely turned off by your appearance?

 

Like recently, I was turned down because I looked "too old for my age", she wasn't much to look at herself as she had a few pounds to her, but yet I had very attractive, athletic women have no problem going out with me .

 

Kind of a silly question, as physical appearances are subjective, but as a person does this sometimes surprise you or did you go through a period of your life where it surprised you?

 

My personal experience of this.

 

I have always been surprised by who found me attractive ad who did not. I am one who in high school had on one hand practically the only cute female teacher as a girlfriend of sorts, then on the other hand had a tall handsome jock as a boyfriend. (Not active with both at the same time) So I knew I had it going on somehow even though I didn't understand how.

 

Then when I would try to approach someone utterly average they would reject me. I wasn't stupid. I was hygienic. I had some high value decent looking partners before. I dressed well enough. It made me feel very ugly or wrong for a very long time.

 

Sometime in my late 20's I realized what the issue was. I was pursuing people who are not evenly matched to myself. I learned what my own objective value was on the sex market, as a mate/partner, and as a friend. Once I learned that and was honest about other peoples value I could spot who would be a good friend or good lover for me. While I haven't always gotten who I want, I have a good idea of who I can get.

 

In short I figured out my own value and how weather someone would think i was attainable effected how they reacted to me.

 

 

 

There is such a thing as objective beauty. How people respond to objectively beautiful people or things is what varies.

 

There are various measures of objective beauty. If you google for them you can find scientific literature that list:

 

  • Bilateral symmetry (i.e. eyes even, arms and legs same length, etc)
     
  • Proprotions governed by the golden ratio (1/1.618). Shoulders about 1.618 times the width of the waist, especially for men, etc. Legs about 0.618 of the body length from the naval down in women and so forth.
     
  • Certain other proportions that have been found specific to humans. A waist to hip ratio of about 0.7 - 65 in women is most attractive.
     
  • Traits which mark out sexual maturity, fertility, and good genes. A masculine face in men is thought to be such a sign, along with height, so is the size and shape of the human penis....which for most of our evolution was well displayed.
     
  • Traits which demonstrate inheritable mental acuity. Being creative and inventive in your problem solving has been shown to attract women who are fertile over simply being rich. Likewise intelligent men are attracted to intelligent women.
     
  • Traits of fitness that can be controlled through diet, exercise, and grooming. Such as healthy teeth, a lean or well shaped body, being clean, wearing clean and stylish clothes.

 

There are tons of articles in peer reviewed scientific journals behind each of the above. I will spare the citations unless they are asked for.

 

All those could be mixed and matched in various ways to come up with a number representing your value as a mate. These are things which do not depend on who is viewing them. If someone has good proportions, is physically and mentally fit by every objective measure, etc that isn't subjective.

 

 

What all that jibberish means for you IRC333

 

You tried to date one woman who as you said wasn't much to look at, had a few extra pounds which these days is probably more than a few.

 

If you yourself are a reasonably attractive and fit man, then your value was, in her eyes too much higher than hers. The proof that it really is comes in your finding a healthier fitter woman than her.

 

Rather than say that, or consciously think that, she would react to defend her ego by saying you are too old looking. One common way women do this is by talking about what an annoying terrible jerk a guy is when he's unavailable to them...then suddenly thinking he's a great guy when he becomes available.

 

I read a really good article that goes into detail about this and calls it "auto-rejection". My favorite lines are.

 

Auto-rejection is the term for what a woman enters into with a man whose attainability has dropped too low. If a woman seems very cold and aloof with you, chances are it’s auto-rejection. This is her shutting down to protect herself from a guy she thinks isn’t going to give her what she wants and needs.

 

You cannot ask women about this, same as you can’t ask a man who’s huffing and puffing about how some girl is no good and not worth his time if he thinks she’s unattainable to him. A person in auto-rejection is not going to tell you she’s in auto-rejection; she’s going to say the person who put her there is a detestable human being. She’s rejecting him to protect her ego and prevent herself from wasting time and emotions on a man who’ll hurt her one way or another.

 

Ain't life messed up. All that working out, trying to be as beautiful, educated, etc as possible just to get rejected for it.

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Pretty interesting to know.

 

But ever noticed that there's always one final single person in the family that's over 40, attractive that's probably on her way to spinsterhood? (at least according to her friends and family she is).....they are even aware that she's overly picky in a disturbing fashion?

 

I have a male friend of mine that has these irrational deal breakers.

 

He wont' date red heads....doesn't matter how attractive they are, he just won't date them.

 

Won't date Hispanic women only because he paints them with a broad brush as having big tempers

 

And he wont' date someone with the same first name as his ex.

 

 

 

 

Value and Attainability.

 

The short version of the below is that you have a quantifiable mate value which can be determined from scientific means and which is invariant. (If you object to this please read the below I explain what I mean.) This is why no one should ever take any single rejection or acceptance of a date to heart. Look at the big picture long term record.

 

However, how people react to that value is what varies. If your value is high and they at least think theirs is too low they will reject you. Likewise if they at least think their value is much higher than yours you will be rejected.

 

 

 

My personal experience of this.

 

I have always been surprised by who found me attractive ad who did not. I am one who in high school had on one hand practically the only cute female teacher as a girlfriend of sorts, then on the other hand had a tall handsome jock as a boyfriend. (Not active with both at the same time) So I knew I had it going on somehow even though I didn't understand how.

 

Then when I would try to approach someone utterly average they would reject me. I wasn't stupid. I was hygienic. I had some high value decent looking partners before. I dressed well enough. It made me feel very ugly or wrong for a very long time.

 

Sometime in my late 20's I realized what the issue was. I was pursuing people who are not evenly matched to myself. I learned what my own objective value was on the sex market, as a mate/partner, and as a friend. Once I learned that and was honest about other peoples value I could spot who would be a good friend or good lover for me. While I haven't always gotten who I want, I have a good idea of who I can get.

 

In short I figured out my own value and how weather someone would think i was attainable effected how they reacted to me.

 

 

 

There is such a thing as objective beauty. How people respond to objectively beautiful people or things is what varies.

 

There are various measures of objective beauty. If you google for them you can find scientific literature that list:

 

  • Bilateral symmetry (i.e. eyes even, arms and legs same length, etc)
     
  • Proprotions governed by the golden ratio (1/1.618). Shoulders about 1.618 times the width of the waist, especially for men, etc. Legs about 0.618 of the body length from the naval down in women and so forth.
     
  • Certain other proportions that have been found specific to humans. A waist to hip ratio of about 0.7 - 65 in women is most attractive.
     
  • Traits which mark out sexual maturity, fertility, and good genes. A masculine face in men is thought to be such a sign, along with height, so is the size and shape of the human penis....which for most of our evolution was well displayed.
     
  • Traits which demonstrate inheritable mental acuity. Being creative and inventive in your problem solving has been shown to attract women who are fertile over simply being rich. Likewise intelligent men are attracted to intelligent women.
     
  • Traits of fitness that can be controlled through diet, exercise, and grooming. Such as healthy teeth, a lean or well shaped body, being clean, wearing clean and stylish clothes.

 

There are tons of articles in peer reviewed scientific journals behind each of the above. I will spare the citations unless they are asked for.

 

All those could be mixed and matched in various ways to come up with a number representing your value as a mate. These are things which do not depend on who is viewing them. If someone has good proportions, is physically and mentally fit by every objective measure, etc that isn't subjective.

 

 

What all that jibberish means for you IRC333

 

You tried to date one woman who as you said wasn't much to look at, had a few extra pounds which these days is probably more than a few.

 

If you yourself are a reasonably attractive and fit man, then your value was, in her eyes too much higher than hers. The proof that it really is comes in your finding a healthier fitter woman than her.

 

Rather than say that, or consciously think that, she would react to defend her ego by saying you are too old looking. One common way women do this is by talking about what an annoying terrible jerk a guy is when he's unavailable to them...then suddenly thinking he's a great guy when he becomes available.

 

I read a really good article that goes into detail about this and calls it "auto-rejection". My favorite lines are.

 

 

 

Ain't life messed up. All that working out, trying to be as beautiful, educated, etc as possible just to get rejected for it.

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I wanted to add..I recall this comedian that knew he had an ugly male friend. And they'd be at a party and the ugly friend would say, "Man, that woman is so ugly"

 

And his friend would look at him and go, "What? You're ugly too, you two would make a perfect couple, why don't you go over and talk to her!" lol

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Wow, what a small world. The woman who rejected me online (because I looked too old for my age), I bumped into her in person at a Meetup. LOL

 

She had her kid with her and talk about a rather unruly kind of child. She was one of those mothers that would give empty threats to her kids that she'd never actually follow through on.

 

"Now, now, Jimmy, don't do that...no...I'm going to count to 3 (But she never gets to 3 and starts over with, "don't do that, we wont' go to the park if you keep doing that.)

 

Dodged a bullet there.

 

She's got more reason to be concerned about men turning her down than her doing it to me. LOL

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Value and Attainability.

 

The short version of the below is that you have a quantifiable mate value which can be determined from scientific means and which is invariant. (If you object to this please read the below I explain what I mean.) This is why no one should ever take any single rejection or acceptance of a date to heart. Look at the big picture long term record.

 

(much more in original post .... )

 

This is one of the more interesting and informative posts I've found on here. I hope everyone takes the time to read it. Thanks for taking the time to write it!

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You tried to date one woman who as you said wasn't much to look at, had a few extra pounds which these days is probably more than a few.

 

If you yourself are a reasonably attractive and fit man, then your value was, in her eyes too much higher than hers. The proof that it really is comes in your finding a healthier fitter woman than her.

 

Rather than say that, or consciously think that, she would react to defend her ego by saying you are too old looking. One common way women do this is by talking about what an annoying terrible jerk a guy is when he's unavailable to them...then suddenly thinking he's a great guy when he becomes available.

 

This makes a lot of sense. I'm sure it's the case for many people.

 

However, I've also concluded that some people have a very unrealistic and inflated sense of what they have to offer. I've placed ads on a free dating site where I describe myself as slim, fit, athletic, and/or muscular as a result of regular gym workouts, and sometimes include a picture. Most of the women who write to me are overweight, obese or even morbidly obese. You would think a morbidly obese woman would realize we're probably not a good match, but apparently not.

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Value and Attainability.

 

The short version of the below is that you have a quantifiable mate value which can be determined from scientific means and which is invariant. (If you object to this please read the below I explain what I mean.) This is why no one should ever take any single rejection or acceptance of a date to heart. Look at the big picture long term record.

 

However, how people react to that value is what varies. If your value is high and they at least think theirs is too low they will reject you. Likewise if they at least think their value is much higher than yours you will be rejected.

 

 

 

My personal experience of this.

 

I have always been surprised by who found me attractive ad who did not. I am one who in high school had on one hand practically the only cute female teacher as a girlfriend of sorts, then on the other hand had a tall handsome jock as a boyfriend. (Not active with both at the same time) So I knew I had it going on somehow even though I didn't understand how.

 

Then when I would try to approach someone utterly average they would reject me. I wasn't stupid. I was hygienic. I had some high value decent looking partners before. I dressed well enough. It made me feel very ugly or wrong for a very long time.

 

Sometime in my late 20's I realized what the issue was. I was pursuing people who are not evenly matched to myself. I learned what my own objective value was on the sex market, as a mate/partner, and as a friend. Once I learned that and was honest about other peoples value I could spot who would be a good friend or good lover for me. While I haven't always gotten who I want, I have a good idea of who I can get.

 

In short I figured out my own value and how weather someone would think i was attainable effected how they reacted to me.

 

 

 

There is such a thing as objective beauty. How people respond to objectively beautiful people or things is what varies.

 

There are various measures of objective beauty. If you google for them you can find scientific literature that list:

 

  • Bilateral symmetry (i.e. eyes even, arms and legs same length, etc)
     
  • Proprotions governed by the golden ratio (1/1.618). Shoulders about 1.618 times the width of the waist, especially for men, etc. Legs about 0.618 of the body length from the naval down in women and so forth.
     
  • Certain other proportions that have been found specific to humans. A waist to hip ratio of about 0.7 - 65 in women is most attractive.
     
  • Traits which mark out sexual maturity, fertility, and good genes. A masculine face in men is thought to be such a sign, along with height, so is the size and shape of the human penis....which for most of our evolution was well displayed.
     
  • Traits which demonstrate inheritable mental acuity. Being creative and inventive in your problem solving has been shown to attract women who are fertile over simply being rich. Likewise intelligent men are attracted to intelligent women.
     
  • Traits of fitness that can be controlled through diet, exercise, and grooming. Such as healthy teeth, a lean or well shaped body, being clean, wearing clean and stylish clothes.

 

There are tons of articles in peer reviewed scientific journals behind each of the above. I will spare the citations unless they are asked for.

 

All those could be mixed and matched in various ways to come up with a number representing your value as a mate. These are things which do not depend on who is viewing them. If someone has good proportions, is physically and mentally fit by every objective measure, etc that isn't subjective.

 

 

What all that jibberish means for you IRC333

 

You tried to date one woman who as you said wasn't much to look at, had a few extra pounds which these days is probably more than a few.

 

If you yourself are a reasonably attractive and fit man, then your value was, in her eyes too much higher than hers. The proof that it really is comes in your finding a healthier fitter woman than her.

 

Rather than say that, or consciously think that, she would react to defend her ego by saying you are too old looking. One common way women do this is by talking about what an annoying terrible jerk a guy is when he's unavailable to them...then suddenly thinking he's a great guy when he becomes available.

 

I read a really good article that goes into detail about this and calls it "auto-rejection". My favorite lines are.

 

 

 

Ain't life messed up. All that working out, trying to be as beautiful, educated, etc as possible just to get rejected for it.

This should be it's own thread :laugh:

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I was wondering, while you were dating....did you ever go through a period where you were surprised the person found you attractive enough to date, while others were completely turned off by your appearance?

 

Like recently, I was turned down because I looked "too old for my age", she wasn't much to look at herself as she had a few pounds to her, but yet I had very attractive, athletic women have no problem going out with me .

 

Kind of a silly question, as physical appearances are subjective, but as a person does this sometimes surprise you or did you go through a period of your life where it surprised you?

When certain chicks turn me down, I just lol @ the fact that I know I can and have done better than them.

 

Their loss bro. And when it comes to looking my age, people always think Im lying when I say Im 27. I can still easily pass for 22. Black don't crack lolz

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Eternal Sunshine

I am never surprised at who finds me attractive but when a guy that is "meh" rejects me, I secretly think "I can do so much better" :cool:

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I've had women that I would consider average to me reject me. Some I thought which were OK.

 

Others that don't give me signals sometimes I've noticed have been REALLY into me, and some I find would be 7+/10 that were really into me.

 

Attraction isn't a choice.

 

I had this cute nerdy girl reject me and a few weeks later I saw her bf or the guy she was seeing. I was like "really? oh well"

 

When certain chicks turn me down, I just lol @ the fact that I know I can and have done better than them.

 

Their loss bro. And when it comes to looking my age, people always think Im lying when I say Im 27. I can still easily pass for 22. Black don't crack lolz

 

Blacks don't crack crew.

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This is why i tell guys to approach women theyre attracted to not women there not just because they think theyll have a better shot a less attractive women will say yes.

 

Theyres no rhyme or reason to attraction,plus looks doesnt mean less or more shallow an ugly women can be attracted strictly to stereotypical good looking men and a prettier women could be more flexible on looks and vice versa

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Yeah, that's actually the first time I had someone tell me that I look older than my stated age. Some have told me I look my age, (sometimes, but rarely, had people say I look younger).

 

When certain chicks turn me down, I just lol @ the fact that I know I can and have done better than them.

 

Their loss bro. And when it comes to looking my age, people always think Im lying when I say Im 27. I can still easily pass for 22. Black don't crack lolz

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This is why i tell guys to approach women theyre attracted to not women there not just because they think theyll have a better shot a less attractive women will say yes.

 

Theyres no rhyme or reason to attraction,plus looks doesnt mean less or more shallow an ugly women can be attracted strictly to stereotypical good looking men and a prettier women could be more flexible on looks and vice versa

 

Exactly, might as well pursue the "hot cuties" (well, the ones that YOU or ME think are hot), as opposed to the mediocre or ugly ones.

 

If I'm to be rejected, it might as well be by hot women and not fat ones. lol

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This should be it's own thread :laugh:

 

 

When I try to do that it either gets ignored or moved to where few who could benefit from it see it. Maybe because outside of context it's hard to see what such a theory has to do with dating.

 

 

This forum is supposed to be for "advice" ie. yet what I offer isn't always advice or asking for advice. It's more like the exercise of talking about dating in an intellectual way. analyzing it like any problem.

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what_a_blonde
Physical attraction can be subjective. In the Navy, I was always amazed at the girls some of the guys thought was attractive as I didn't find them attractive at all.

I think it is rude for her to tell you that she thought you looked older. She could have just said there wasn't a spark or something. Her loss.

G

 

Agree, totally rude. Some people are just way too into themselves. Smh.

 

To answer your question though, I've never dealt with something like that.. and if someone just wasn't into me for my looks they never told me- just politely found a way to show me they weren't interested and they'd be on their way, I'd be on mine.

 

(I'd eventually find out later though drawing my own conclusions, seeing the women they would date - skinny, short, big boobs, "ditzy"- that I guess they just weren't into my type which is more athletic/toned, hourglass, accomplished and independent :p )

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Onethirtyeight

Look at this way. Don't sit there and wonder why a good looking person finds you attractive. You know the way look does it for them so why question it.

 

Look at the people that don't find you attractive and laugh at the ones that you share the feeling with and seek constructive criticism from those you wish to attract but don't.

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I was wondering, while you were dating....did you ever go through a period where you were surprised the person found you attractive enough to date, while others were completely turned off by your appearance?

 

Like recently, I was turned down because I looked "too old for my age", she wasn't much to look at herself as she had a few pounds to her, but yet I had very attractive, athletic women have no problem going out with me .

 

Kind of a silly question, as physical appearances are subjective, but as a person does this sometimes surprise you or did you go through a period of your life where it surprised you?

 

 

I don't know if anyone ever not dated me because they didn't like how I looked. Maybe, but they never verbalized that so I don't know.

 

But since I know people have types and looks they like I realistically know I won't be everyone's type, so I'm never surprised when I am or am not someone's type as it is to be expected.

 

It also has never made sense to me when someone thinks: fat people should only like fat people, athletic only athletic, black only black or any other inane thing. You like what you like and your like doesn't have to reflect how you look. I have a friend who is a male model who has a chiseled body and the works...he ONLY likes women who are on the plump side. He said ever since he was a kid those were the girls he would have crushes on and his one teacher he had a crush on in school was also the chubby teacher. However, women in his profession who are models too assume that's who he would like and are surprised when his gfs are the opposite and even want to get indignant about it like they have a right to tell him who to be attracted to.

 

You like what you like and it doesn't have to be a reflection of how you look.

Edited by MissBee
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