How to deal with hurtful ignorance from a man?

[Letitsnow]

We've met about 6 times. He was very sweet, charming, and nice to me. However, he was also pushy when it came to physical intimacy. I liked his affection - his kisses on my hair, face, holding hands, etc. He talked about our future together, about his family, his life.

For me, it was joy being around him if I ignored red flags like pulling his ...out on first date, heavy groping, slapping my face in playful (non-hurtful) way, talking about price tags on many things he owns, crazy-cheating exes. I slept with him after fifth date but in reality I felt pressured and gave in. I thought I would never hear from him again because I feared he got what he wanted.

 

He promised not to hurt me and stayed in touch through texts when he left. Nothing special - just miss you, how are you's. Later on asked for sexy pictures which I refused. He kept asking even though I explained to him how uncomfortable I am with it. When he did not stop, I said " you first" and got picture of his "johnson". I honestly did not expect it. After all, I hoped it will help me to see him in worse light and help me to forget him. Then I got text with " I think I am falling in love with you..."

 

One month later, he came back to my town and we met. I wanted to tell him how I felt after all. His explanation on our " not-ready-for sex" was that even though I said STOP, I did not do nothing about that and was not loud enough, or did not pushed him away. My bad and I can see that.

Anyway, he was just like always - charming, attractive and I was falling for his affection and sweet words. I wanted to believe so much that his words were honest and real. It did not take long and he tried to have sex.I said I can't. He asked if I can do oral and I said I won't because we don't know each other enough. He was disappointed but fine. We stayed together and had fun. He said he wants to see me again and asked to text about time for next day.

 

That morning I text him but have not hear dback. I know he had some family emergency and I was trying to be supportive by sending related text but I also wanted to see him before he left. Later on, I got some text without saying if we will meet or not and when I asked if he is mad at me for some reason, I got reply " I promise I am not mad." A day later I text him that if he will find time I would like to see him before he goes but I also understand how busy he is right now. No reply, nothing. Same on FB. I thought he meant that he wanted to see me.

 

It has been a week now. It really hurts not to know what I did wrong and why he ignores me. I wish he would at least say "I don't want to see you anymore" . Anything would be better than this silence from him.

I remember he did this to me before when we only chatted on FB, but since that we became kind of closer or that's what I though.

For me, sleeping with him was something special and he knew that. He was only second man in my life. .

I can't get him out of my head. He keeps adding girls on his FB and many of them have this trashy-revealing profile pictures.

 

I don't know how to deal with it anymore and it hurts. Did he just pretend everything? How can you play and talk about future if you don't mean any of it?

Would be bad if I write him my point of view just to get some kind of closure? I don't know what to do. Any advice?

[MrMeh]

Have you every thought he was simply manipulating for MORE sex. If he really liked you, he would contact in some manner constantly,even with a little text.

[GemmaUK]

For me, it was joy being around him if I ignored red flags like pulling his ...out on first date, heavy groping, slapping my face in playful (non-hurtful) way, talking about price tags on many things he owns, crazy-cheating exes.

 

I am stunned that this even got as far as date #2.

 

He isn't looking for a relationship with you, just for sex.

[winny]

We've met about 6 times. He was very sweet, charming, and nice to me. However, he was also pushy when it came to physical intimacy. I liked his affection - his kisses on my hair, face, holding hands, etc. He talked about our future together, about his family, his life.

For me, it was joy being around him if I ignored red flags like pulling his ...out on first date, heavy groping, slapping my face in playful (non-hurtful) way, talking about price tags on many things he owns, crazy-cheating exes. I slept with him after fifth date but in reality I felt pressured and gave in. I thought I would never hear from him again because I feared he got what he wanted.

 

He promised not to hurt me and stayed in touch through texts when he left. Nothing special - just miss you, how are you's. Later on asked for sexy pictures which I refused. He kept asking even though I explained to him how uncomfortable I am with it. When he did not stop, I said " you first" and got picture of his "johnson". I honestly did not expect it. After all, I hoped it will help me to see him in worse light and help me to forget him. Then I got text with " I think I am falling in love with you..."

 

One month later, he came back to my town and we met. I wanted to tell him how I felt after all. His explanation on our " not-ready-for sex" was that even though I said STOP, I did not do nothing about that and was not loud enough, or did not pushed him away. My bad and I can see that.

Anyway, he was just like always - charming, attractive and I was falling for his affection and sweet words. I wanted to believe so much that his words were honest and real. It did not take long and he tried to have sex.I said I can't. He asked if I can do oral and I said I won't because we don't know each other enough. He was disappointed but fine. We stayed together and had fun. He said he wants to see me again and asked to text about time for next day.

 

That morning I text him but have not hear dback. I know he had some family emergency and I was trying to be supportive by sending related text but I also wanted to see him before he left. Later on, I got some text without saying if we will meet or not and when I asked if he is mad at me for some reason, I got reply " I promise I am not mad." A day later I text him that if he will find time I would like to see him before he goes but I also understand how busy he is right now. No reply, nothing. Same on FB. I thought he meant that he wanted to see me.

 

It has been a week now. It really hurts not to know what I did wrong and why he ignores me. I wish he would at least say "I don't want to see you anymore" . Anything would be better than this silence from him.

I remember he did this to me before when we only chatted on FB, but since that we became kind of closer or that's what I though.

For me, sleeping with him was something special and he knew that. He was only second man in my life. .

I can't get him out of my head. He keeps adding girls on his FB and many of them have this trashy-revealing profile pictures.

 

I don't know how to deal with it anymore and it hurts. Did he just pretend everything? How can you play and talk about future if you don't mean any of it?

Would be bad if I write him my point of view just to get some kind of closure? I don't know what to do. Any advice?

 

WOW!!!

Yes... men can do all kind of stuff only for sex...

Come on girl... it's just one d-bag guy... you are 1000 times better than him!!!

Are you gonna let such a jerk make you feel bad?

Where is your confidence???

 

It's good that he is ignoring you, it's a blessing in disguise.

If he ever comes back, don't you dare talk to him....

 

Now, get him out of your system and do not waste a second thinking about him.

 

Good Luck!

[WrinkledForehead]

He sounds like a complete sleaze bag! I agree with the PP--be happy of he never contacts you again!

[d0nnivain]

You have got to stay away from him. You deal with guys like this by getting away from them & not interacting with you. You are the luckiest woman in the world that this guy didn't date rape you. I'm serious.

 

 

Get him out of your life NOW & stay away from guys like him in the future.

 

 

I worry about you. His silence & ignoring you is a GOOD thing & the 1st positive I've heard about him in all your posts. At least he's figured out you are not the woman for him because your attitudes toward sex are not compatible. It makes me soften my view that he's a potential rapist. This man is zooming the fast lane of the super highway in a sports car & you are barely riding a tricycle on the sidewalk. It doesn't work together.

Edited January 2, 2014 by d0nnivain

[Zahara]

I don't know how to deal with it anymore and it hurts. Did he just pretend everything? How can you play and talk about future if you don't mean any of it?

Would be bad if I write him my point of view just to get some kind of closure? I don't know what to do. Any advice?

 

I'm not even sure how this got past date #1. It's a clear indication that you have no boundaries and will almost let a man do whatever he wants because you need to be validated and accepted. I think this a harsh lesson for you in that you need to figure out why you accept being treated disrespectfully, even when your brain is screaming against it.

 

Yes, men will pretend and do what's called future faking to get sex or whatever it is they want. It's their way of fast forwarding things so that they get to the sex faster. Women tend to go lalaland when a man brings up the future, marriage, white picket fence and before you know it they're believing it's knight in shining armor and they soon succumb.

 

When he realized sex wasn't going to be so easily available to him, he knew it was going to take effort to get you there and effort is not in his game.

 

Letitsnow, you really need to set boundaries for yourself. Pulling out his penis, groping you and slapping you on the face, forcing you to send naked pictures -- things you do not and must not tolerate. Why you tolerated -- is something you have to figure out. You would completely deny yourself any self-respect to make a man love/want/like/accept you. Why?

 

PS: Don't believe everything a man tells you. Watch his actions. If they do not correlate with what he says, red flag. If he starts spouting off declarations about the future soon into the dating process, red flag. Charm is great, but be cautious because charm is their way of roping you in.

 

Stay away from this man.

[Letitsnow]

Why can't we be honest with our feelings when someone hurt us? Why people look at it as something weak, desperate?

If you share special moments with someone and you open your heart to them just to get it broke, why can't you tell them without being labeled crazy or fool?

Why those people who ignores us without any explanation are better? Why do we have to torture ourselves with our thoughts and blame, what if's and thousand questions about "what did I do wrong"?

Since when honesty is not recommended? Why telling him how I see it is bad idea? If he can share my body fluids with me, why can't he get piece of my mind as well?

 

If someone told me I hurt them in any way - I would never look at them as weak. I would be glad they told me so I can see my actions, learn from them and become a better person.

 

Why playing with someone's minds is something they can get away with and once we want to say things aloud, that's suddenly wrong?

They can play us, promise blue out of the sky, look into our eyes and talk how they want to be with us. They tell us about their life, ask about ours. And when everything seems just fine, they disappear.

 

If they are not decent enough to say something, anything...Why can't we? Why do I have to suffer in silence and make him think it's OK and he never hurt any part of me?

[Versacehottie]

Don't know if I can answer all those questions, BUT the main reason why not is because most people who want to have these sorts of talks want to change the OUTCOME (relationship vs. being blown off) with the talk, and that's not at all likely to happen.

 

The whole premise of "having a talk" to let the other know they have hurt you in some way, presumes a closer or committed relationship which is not the reality at all.

 

It's like a girl sleeping with a guy and presents herself as comfortable with "no strings attached" when in reality she is secretly hopeful that it will progress into a relationship. A person can't change the "deal" on someone and then want to keep talking about it like some bad couples therapy session, in which her GOAL is STILL to change his mind about wanting a relationship. Both scenarios make her look unstable, full of drama and unattractive. That's why. If you want what you want, "needing closure" is in these scenarios in not necessary. You have the answer already with their unwillingness to talk.

[bene]

It is not a matter of weakness or strength but it is wrong because it only hurts you more. If a person doesn't care about you anymore (or never did), they are not in the same place emotionally as you. Pouring your heart out to them doesn't have the effect you imagine, they don't learn to be a better person from it. A jerk wouldn't care, a nice person would feel bad but not love you more.

 

I'm not saying that you have to pretend you don't care but nothing good will come out of pouring your heart out to someone who already knows about your feelings but doesn't feel the same.

[clia]

You can tell them if you want.

 

The problem is that most people are not simply telling them to get it off their chest or make themselves feel better. They are telling them because they hope it will turn into a dialogue whereby they have the opportunity to convince the other person that they should be with them, and the other person will realize the error of their ways and come running back. The reality is that nearly never happens. Telling the other person how you feel typically only makes you feel worse because they don't care.

 

So, people are advised here to shut up and move on because doing otherwise is typically pointless and only leads to more hurt feelings. You can torture yourself if you want over the "what ifs" and "it was meant to bes," but that again, is pointless. You can't make someone want to be with you or treat you nicely. Driving yourself crazy over someone else's behavior will get you nowhere.

 

Since when honesty is not recommended? Why telling him how I see it is bad idea? If he can share my body fluids with me, why can't he get piece of my mind as well?

 

Again, you can tell him. But he may not respond. He might hang up on you. He might call you "crazy." In any of those scenarios, are you going to feel any better about the situation?

 

Why playing with someone's minds is something they can get away with and once we want to say things aloud, that's suddenly wrong?

They can play us, promise blue out of the sky, look into our eyes and talk how they want to be with us. They tell us about their life, ask about ours. And when everything seems just fine, they disappear.

 

You also need to have your eyes open. There were a zillion red flags with your most recent guy, and you ignored all of them.

[shinealight]

I know the feeling if you want someone and that person is giving no sign of hope don't text don't do anything move on! It is now 2014 why bother waiting around when there is plenty more fish in the sea!

[winny]

Telling them that they hurt you and you don't think they are worthy of you and moving on... is not weakness.

 

But going over and over the details of what happened and blaming yourself is.

Writing emails and messages begging them to take you back is weakness.

Asking them why they hurt you is weakness.

Taking them back immediately, if they return back is weakness.

 

Secretly hoping they will come back.. is weakness...

 

Knowing that this was only a bad experience and not the end of the world... so there is no need to waste any more energy or time on thinking about it... is strength. Believing in yourself that you can do much better without him is strength...

Edited January 2, 2014 by winny
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[Versacehottie]

A person with this sort of need to sort out feelings would be better off investing that energy into his or herself. Figure out why they do some of the things they do. Shore up their self confidence so they don't mess up with the next opportunity they have. Just switching from a victim mentality to more of a go-getter can help.

 

I think if you look at the population of people only a very small percentage are total jerks or evil 100% of the time. The others, in which you have something with but it fails for whatever reason, are not evil but the you and him/her combo just wasn't the right one. With the right one, they don't do jerk behavior and try to right their mistakes. For example, the guy you may be wanting to have a talk with, could meet someone a week from now who because she is the right combo for him, has him not hurting her at all but doing mostly the right things. People in relationships are not a "FIXED" set of behaviors. It's the combo of any two people and each one is unique. Some are right and will work and the person feels worthy of putting their best forward and working on things.

 

Take care of yourself. Believe in yourself.

[Zahara]

If they are not decent enough to say something, anything...Why can't we? Why do I have to suffer in silence and make him think it's OK and he never hurt any part of me?

 

First of all, you are projecting what you believe is fair and moral on others. It doesn't work that way. People will behave the way they want to behave, they will react based on how they believe is the best way for them to cope with a situation.

 

Secondly, why would you want to speak your mind towards someone that hurt you, shut you out, manipulated you, etc?

 

If they don't have the ability to care about how you feel and didn't give a damn whether they hurt you, why would they care about what you have to say?

[Oomlotte]

I agree to a point - I think a lot of people are non-confrontational and want to avoid things that might allow the other person closure - this is more true in cases where people just ignore the person or drop out of their lives completely as opposed to actually telling them it's over. Now if they have said it's done that is the only thing they owe you - they were honest and let you know where they stood. At that point it is then up to you to seek closure for yourself - wanting to talk about with them creates a scenario they no longer want - dealing with you emotionally.

 

It would be nice if we could all get closure and a chance to say our piece but it's not realistic because most of closure and moving on is exactly that - closing one chapter and moving on to the next. Eventually you will realize that your desire to speak to them is just a desire for reconciliation or a realization that will not come. Particularly if the break is fresh.

[Letitsnow]

Thank you... I see what you are saying. It is just hard to wrap my mind around it right now. I don't want him back. More than anything I want to explain my actions. I know this will sound silly but what if it was me after all? What if I said something I should not? I guess this is what happens when you don't date for about 15 years and have no experience in it. Too emotional too fast.

[winny]

I guess this is what happens when you don't date for about 15 years and have no experience in it.

 

Again... its not your fault!

 

We are all learning here....

 

Nobody needs experience to fall in love..... You have it in yourself already... to choose the right person.... to fall in love... everything...

 

When bad things happen... don't let them affect you this much... or make you feel less in anyway or suspect your capabilities...

 

You are great and strong... believe it... good things will happen

[EmilyJane]

You can tell people whatever you like if you don't care about the outcome.

 

Whether you like it or not, most people don't respond well to too much drama and neediness to early.

[Taramere]

Why those people who ignores us without any explanation are better?

 

Well, I don't think people who do that are better. Certainly if somebody has provoked or abused you in some way ignoring them is the best option - but otherwise it's a pretty passive aggressive and immature way to behave. I personally would have more respect for somebody who said "I'm not happy with you because...." than if they just blanked me when I tried to communicate with them, but I certainly wouldn't persist in trying to communicate with them or, worse still, share my feelings with them.

 

Why expend effort chasing after somebody who's doing that to you in a bid to find out what's wrong/express your feelings? In doing that, you're just rewarding the passive aggressive behaviour (if that's what it is) or else you're pursuing somebody who isn't interested in having any communication with you.

 

This guy isn't "better" than you for ignoring you. He's simply identified himself as somebody who doesn't belong in your life. As everybody is saying, it's not wise to try to get any sort of dialogue going with somebody who just isn't interested in having it with you. It's hard to see any positives that could be gained from doing that, and you could end up getting a reputation as somebody who makes a pest of herself around guys. Better not to be that girl.

[Zahara]

Thank you... I see what you are saying. It is just hard to wrap my mind around it right now. I don't want him back. More than anything I want to explain my actions. I know this will sound silly but what if it was me after all? What if I said something I should not? I guess this is what happens when you don't date for about 15 years and have no experience in it. Too emotional too fast.

 

Letitsnow, you need to let this go.

 

You are trying to justify and reason with a man that clearly isn't going to be responsive to you in a positive manner.

 

This man groped you and pulled out his penis (on your first date), forced you to send naked pictures, future faked, hit the fast forward button to rope you in, slapped you, used you for sex -- all within a span of a few dates.

 

Stop making this about you. Granted you do need to work on your self-esteem but you're placing way too much effort and energy on trying to make someone accountable for their actions -- when clearly, a guy like this has no capacity to see through your eyes. A guy that behaves this way has no ability to step back and see his ways because if he did, he wouldn't be acting this way and I am sure you are and will not be the only woman he treats this way. This is what he does. What you have to say to him won't make him realize, won't make him into a prince, won't light a bulb in his head. It won't.

 

You have to let it go. Accept that there are shytt people in this world. Accept that you made a bad decision and move on from it. Work on yourself self-esteem. This is what you should be focusing on. You should have never gone past date #1 with this guy. That in itself should be wake-up call for you.

[Taramere]

Letitsnow, you need to let this go.

 

You are trying to justify and reason with a man that clearly isn't going to be responsive to you in a positive manner.

 

This man groped you and pulled out his penis (on your first date), forced you to send naked pictures, future faked, hit the fast forward button to rope you in, slapped you, used you for sex -- all within a span of a few dates.

 

Stop making this about you. Granted you do need to work on your self-esteem but you're placing way too much effort and energy on trying to make someone accountable for their actions -- when clearly, a guy like this has no capacity to see through your eyes. A guy that behaves this way has no ability to step back and see his ways because if he did, he wouldn't be acting this way and I am sure you are and will not be the only woman he treats this way. This is what he does. What you have to say to him won't make him realize, won't make him into a prince, won't light a bulb in his head. It won't.

 

You have to let it go. Accept that there are shytt people in this world. Accept that you made a bad decision and move on from it. Work on yourself self-esteem. This is what you should be focusing on. You should have never gone past date #1 with this guy. That in itself should be wake-up call for you.

 

Wow, I just did a post check and saw some of this other stuff. Letitsnow, this guy sounds like a bullet to be dodged. Some of the behaviour you spoke of was real boundary testing, "is this girl somebody I can perhaps use and abuse?" sort of stuff. Telling somebody like that that he's hurt you is like an outright reward. If he's not contacting you, treat that as a very good thing. If you can't, then I think perhaps you need to talk to somebody in real life.

[Versacehottie]

ugh awful---guess he is one of that very small percentage of evil jerks. Don't be trying to figure out why he treated you any sort of way. His behavior speaks for itself---he's a freak&sh*thead. You can't change those or make them see that what they did was hurtful. Count yourself lucky to be away from him and run far away. And yes, examine why you go past date number 1 with this person. Bolster your self-esteem and work on your BS radar. I won't say good luck but rather congratulations for getting out this soon.

[hotpotato]

They dont care. Why bother?

[regine_phalange]

I never suffer in silence. I want to take everything off my chest. If it helps you get closure, I encourage you to do it. In a decent way. But careful; after you express yourself, you don't send anything else, ever again. This will be your closure. Not a conversation. If he replies to you, don't reply anything else.