Jump to content

New boyfriend's past bothers me-- not sure what I got myself into


purplepanda

Recommended Posts

I really like this guy I'm seeing. He's a lot different than my other boyfriends.. he thinks about me, asks how I am, how's work and such. Always looking out for me like asking if I need something, when he's at MY place! :p Just treats me right.

 

There is something that bothers me. I guess it's not any one little thing, but in general, it is stuff in his past.

Well I've been talking to him for a few months, and a week after we first had sex, he said some stuff that really hurt my feelings. He kept commenting on how I never made noise or certain facial expressions. The noise thing wasn't true, but I guess he wanted me to scream my head off. The facial thing though... what am I supposed to look like? Like I just ate a warhead???

 

Then he went so far as to say it "wasn't enjoyable". :( For those two reasons. I realized I kinda held back any noise or whatever so I let loose a little and he seemed to like that much better.

 

But once he said, "I'm used to being with girls that are great in bed." That just made me cry, straight up. I ran to the bathroom so he wouldn't see. That is humiliating. Other guys said I was great, at everything. With the last one, it got boring and he treated me like such **** that I'm sensitive to everything so I don't know if it's me or what.

 

Two weeks after we got together, he told me that he used to do a lot of drugs, like meth. He got one girlfriend into it.. then he cheated on her. A lot. Treated her like one ex did me; act like it's a reunion when it's a booty call. Got that girl pregnant. Let me just say that he was BAWLING uncontrollably when he told me this. He's so convinced that he ruined her life. Then I heard his sister in law telling him he did exactly that. One thing is that the baby mama (she had it like last month) is out of state, he doesn't talk to her but he's waiting for her to come back to town... is a psycho. She put a dead raven in his backpack. Apparently a Satanist. I looked her up and she's scary-disgusting. Blech.

 

A couple other things are some stuff he mentioned casually. Like, one girl got him a car. And her mother was a MILF. Then told me he had sex with said mother. -_-

 

Told me he had a threesome. I wanted to barf.

 

He is 18 and I just turned 20.

 

And I feel like he's 5 years older than me when it comes to this ****.

I've already had thoughts like "Why is he with me?" and maybe he'd leave me for some slut. :/ He hasn't been with anyone in a year so I know he's not a complete ****. At least not anymore. (no more drugs, btw)

 

One more thing: for the past week, he constantly brings up anal. If he could "stick it in" mine or if I'd do the same to him. It's annoying as hell and I can no longer bend over or face away from him because he constantly is trying to stick his finger up there!!! Ugh.

 

I don't want to break up with him, but how do I deal with this? He's clean so I'm not worried about getting anything..unless he cheats on me. He's obviously immature in some ways. :/

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, maybe he offers you a coke when he goes to the fridge, but this guy is a douche. He will continue to hurt you.

 

"I'm used to being with girls that are great in bed."??? WTF is that???

 

Get out now before you develop more feelings. He's bad news...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Aren't you used to dating mature men (no matter their age) who are kind to you & care about your feelings.

 

 

Throw this druggie, braggadocios child out of your life & soon.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Aren't you used to dating mature men (no matter their age) who are kind to you & care about your feelings.

 

 

Throw this druggie, braggadocios child out of your life & soon.

 

He's not a druggie. He was a stupid kid and didn't have great upbringing but now he's working and off drugs.

 

And no, actually I'm not used to dating mature men, who are kind and sensitive to my feelings.

 

I kept asking him what was wrong and that's when he said that stuff. But yeah, that stuff was ****ty. Don't know how I could bring it up because now I get "stage fright" and we haven't done anything in a week and a half and he's been staying with me for a week!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think anyone can tell you that you're going to ruin yourself with this clown. You won't listen.

 

Just because a man tells you he is clean, you damn well DON'T take his word for it. STDs can stay dormant in your system for months/years. And I am sure he's stuck his stick in more than one woman, and all it takes is one person carrying something. Don't be naive. Get him to get tested.

 

And if a guy can't respect you when you say no to anal rather than trying to stick his damn finger in your butt everytime you look away, you're soon going to have a battered sense of self-esteem and very little self-respect.

 

I'm not even sure why you aren't repulsed. SMH.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites

A number of red flags. Like the others, this guys doesn't feel right for sure. Oh, if you continue to have sex, let him SHOW you his STD results. Don't take his word for it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This is really sad. Sad for him that he's only 18 but has done all of this stuff and sad for you that you have so little self respect that you consider him worthy to date, especially after saying such things to you. I don't know you, but I do know that you deserve better.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Run for the hills, this stinks of bad news!! Open yourself to these comments above and I'm sure more to come. Everyone is going to say run, don't do this to yourself, if this is what happened thus far you are in for quite the adventure, you are the one who will walk away hurt....

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
He's not a druggie. He was a stupid kid and didn't have great upbringing but now he's working and off drugs.

 

 

It's true that people with a bad past can change for the better. However, this guy just had a baby last month. That's not very far behind in his past. He is still dealing with the consequences of his actions and he hasn't had time to grow from it. Until he takes responsibility for his child, he hasn't matured, and he's not a trustworthy partner.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I don't think anyone can tell you that you're going to ruin yourself with this clown. You won't listen.

 

Just because a man tells you he is clean, you damn well DON'T take his word for it. STDs can stay dormant in your system for months/years. And I am sure he's stuck his stick in more than one woman, and all it takes is one person carrying something. Don't be naive. Get him to get tested.

 

And if a guy can't respect you when you say no to anal rather than trying to stick his damn finger in your butt everytime you look away, you're soon going to have a battered sense of self-esteem and very little self-respect.

 

I'm not even sure why you aren't repulsed. SMH.

 

I AM repulsed. He's joking around and thinks it's funny but I get pissed every time and tell him to stop. He has ADHD without meds. -_-

 

This is really sad. Sad for him that he's only 18 but has done all of this stuff and sad for you that you have so little self respect that you consider him worthy to date, especially after saying such things to you. I don't know you, but I do know that you deserve better.

 

Well I consider him worthy because, other than the annoying things he does and the couple of hurtful things he's said about me, he treats me right. I'm trying to get his past out of my head.

 

It's true that people with a bad past can change for the better. However, this guy just had a baby last month. That's not very far behind in his past. He is still dealing with the consequences of his actions and he hasn't had time to grow from it. Until he takes responsibility for his child, he hasn't matured, and he's not a trustworthy partner.

 

The girl who had his baby is out of state and not in contact with him for some reason... he can't really take responsibility if she's keeping it from him, can he?

 

Why is he not trustworthy? He hasn't done anything to me that I know of...

 

I only wanted to know how to deal with stuff from his past. :/

Link to post
Share on other sites

You asked us how to "get over his past" and the general consensus is that you shouldn't and you need to leave him before this goes any further.

 

Let me use myself as an example: when I was his age I dated a guy who had slept with over 20+ people and was a total womanizer, but he convinced me "it was all in the past". Needless to say, after spitting game at me, he finally got so frustrated that I wouldn't have sex with him (after he KNEW I wouldn't jump into bed with him), he confessed he was just playing me. The part that made me see a huge similarity was how your guy is very pushy with anal and that's how my ex was too. He would honestly pull his dick out and try to put it inside me while we were making out and I'd have to say NO multiple times. It wasn't rape or anything, but just a complete lack of respect for me. Now, I know our situations aren't identical, but a person's past is important and there's only so much you can overlook. Based on his history with girls, I shouldn't have accepted his many apologies or bought into his charm as easy as I did, but hey I was only 18!

 

If you were older and both were settled with careers, then maybe I could buy into him saying that "he's changed", but at 18? Come on.

 

He's already insulting you and he thinks it's funny? This dude is no good...and no, that is not ADHD so don't buy into that bull****. Very FEW people truly have ADHD and even if he did, it wouldn't cause that kind of behavior. Next, he is responsible (sort of) for getting a girl hooked on meth who he then cheated on repeatedly. To make matters worse, he got her pregnant and she had the baby last month. WHOA, I know you're 20 so you know basic math I'm sure. I'm not trying to insult you, but come on! This girl probably got pregnant around January of THIS YEAR. HOW IN THE WORLD CAN SOMEONE CHANGE THAT MUCH WITHIN A YEAR? AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO DATED A GIRL LIKE THE ONE YOU DESCRIBED? There is NO way you can convince me that she didn't show any signs of being insane when they were together, so that leads me to believe that he's just as crazy as his ex. Also, having a baby with this psycho means she will FOREVER be in his life. FOREVER. She may try to keep the baby away from him, but one day she will come back. That's how crazy works! Just because this dude doesn't shoot up meth anymore (maybe you smoke it, I don't know) doesn't mean he's changed. He's still a stupid kid who has a baby with a girl who is a Satanist that he cheated on constantly. His past is why you shouldn't trust him. There are things in some peoples' pasts that you have to accept if you want a relationship to work (for example, my boyfriend got really drunk when on vacation with his friends and had sex with a girl whose name he didn't even know. That grossed me out to no end, but we're young and nothing else in his past suggested that was anything more than a drunken mistake) but then there are things like the ones I pointed out that should make you run for the hills and never look back. Why a 20 year old girl would want to date a man with a baby is beyond me.

Edited by maysj18
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I only wanted to know how to deal with stuff from his past. :/

 

Well, if it helps, probably 90% of what he's told you about his past is completely made up.

 

Whenever someone has a lot of crazy stories about their past, you've got to be suspicious. Yeah, crazy things happen in life, but when it's just instance after instance of shocking things happening to them, you can pretty much assume they're making things up. I mean, look at his claims:

 

I used to smoke meth.

I got a girl hooked on meth, cheated on her multiple times, got her pregnant. (Pregnancy may be true, be dubious of the backstory)

My ex is crazy, worships Satan, and put a dead bird in my backpack.

One time this girl bought me a car, and then I slept with her hot mom. (Absolutely did not happen the way he described it.)

I've totally had a threesome.

 

...And all of this by the age of 18. Actually, 17, because he told you he hasn't been with anybody for a year, right?

 

I bet if you start thinking about other things he's told you, you'll begin to notice that they're pretty outlandish or that things don't add up. For example, does he have a story about a night out with his friends which might resemble something out of the Hangover Part Three? Or maybe some really psycho family members? Is he a former Navy SEAL?

 

I've known a lot of liars in my life. This is the kind of stuff they lie about.

 

And okay, I'll admit that maybe I'm projecting or being paranoid, or whatever. Let's assume for a moment that every word he's ever uttered is completely true. In that case, he has a pretty craaazy life. That's a lot for you to deal with. He's surrounded by a lot of really weird people, like the girl who gave him a car, her hot mom, and the Satanic, raven-killing ex. He also has no problem blabbing about his sexual history.

 

So how to deal with all that baggage? I guess you'd have to just accept it and forget about it. You bury it and say to yourself "That's all in the past and what really matters now is that he's with me."

 

If that doesn't sound like something you want to do, move on.

 

If I'm being honest, though, I don't think you should put any effort into a relationship with a guy who tries non-consensual butt stuff or who says such insensitive things as "it wasn't enjoyable" or "I'm used to being with girls that are great in bed." He's either so stupid he doesn't understand how that might be hurtful, or he's purposely trying to belittle you and use your body. Either way, it's not good and you shouldn't stick around for it.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
CrystalCastles

I've known a lot of liars in my life. This is the kind of stuff they lie about.

 

Why would anyone make sh*t like this up? Even if you were right and this guy's past is all a fantasy, his lies would make him sound like a basket case and he wouldn't be able to get/keep any girls like that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Why would anyone make sh*t like this up? Even if you were right and this guy's past is all a fantasy, his lies would make him sound like a basket case and he wouldn't be able to get/keep any girls like that.

 

Or his lies make him seem like a Very Important Person.

 

Edit: A Very Interesting Person.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You say he treats you right? No, he doesn't. If he did, he wouldn't have made ridiculous and demeaning comments to you in bed. That is NOT treating you right. Stay the heck away from this guy. He's going to continue hurting you. He's only 18 and he's managed to get himself into this much trouble - ask yourself why you don't believe you deserve more. His actions and general behaviour indicate that he seriously lacks foresight, compassion for you, and good judgement. It's not in his past; he simply isn't old enough to have put it all behind him!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

He sounds a bit douchey, but maybe you shouldn't focus on his past so much? I can actually relate to you a little bit, my boyfriend is 19 and i'm 21. He was into alot of drugs before I met him (mainly just party drugs and weed) and he also had slept with 20+ girls before we got together !??!?! I know he loves me though, he says i've made him a better person and the only girl he has loved. Might sound like bull but he's proved that to me.

 

As for him saying that he's used to girls being better in bed, thats just rude! maybe he's ignorant and used to younger girls pretending that he's amazing in bed and over exaggerating :p who knows. Tell him that what he said bothers you, you're older than him! don't let him push u around :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Why would anyone make sh*t like this up? Even if you were right and this guy's past is all a fantasy, his lies would make him sound like a basket case and he wouldn't be able to get/keep any girls like that.

 

He's 18. He's more than likely a basket case anyway.

 

Or his lies make him seem like a Very Important Person.

 

Edit: A Very Interesting Person.

 

Yep, teenagers have rather many dumb ideas.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

CC12,

You're being ridiculous.

 

 

purplepanda,

I absolutely abhor telling people to break up. It's often a mean-spirited thing to do and I always prefer that people decide what's best for them on their own. But you need to stay away from this person. I ask that you walk away from the situation immediately.

 

He's not a druggie. He was a stupid kid and didn't have great upbringing but now he's working and off drugs.

 

He is treating you in ways bring complete misery into your life!

 

 

 

 

  • He was a stupid kid and didn't have great upbringing...
  • He has ADHD without meds. -_-
  • he can't really take responsibility if she's keeping it from him, can he?
  • He hasn't done anything to me that I know of...

Stop making excuses for HIS behavior. He isn't joking with you. He's making jabs to the point where you bawl your eyes out. His upbringing does NOT somehow make his behavior acceptable. Being ADHD does NOT give him a free pass to tear you down. Those with ADHD do not treat people this way. Complete and total jerks treat people this way. And he's done a lot to you. He doesn't respect you, he treats you the same way as your Ex, and he will continue making you bawl.

 

 

And no, actually I'm not used to dating mature men, who are kind and sensitive to my feelings.

...

Don't know how I could bring it *his behavior* up because now I get "stage fright"

You have no business being in any relationship with anyone right now. Expressing your wants and needs is the most basic skill needed for interpersonal relationships. Take the time to learn that skill while in a safer environment. You need to decide right now whether or not you want to continue being torn apart. If you choose to put up with this and make excuses, understand that you will face the consequences of your actions. It's Christmas eve. Why not go outside and to volunteer for a food pantry, go to a church, call a crisis center, anything to give you fresh air and a clearer perspective?

Edited by ThatMan
Link to post
Share on other sites
I only wanted to know how to deal with stuff from his past. :/

 

 

 

This isn't his past. It's too close to his present.

 

 

The fact that you aren't used to dating men who are nice to you breaks my heart. What he said to you was unforgivable. Think about all the people here on LS who want to break up with somebody because the person didn't return their text messages fast enough. the fact that you say: "other than the annoying things he does and the couple of hurtful things he's said about me, he treats me right" makes me want to proverbially smack some sense into you because you have no understanding of what it means to treat some one right. They don't say the horrible things this guy said to you.

 

 

At 18 he already has more drama -- meth, a baby, a lousy attitude, an STD, ADHD -- than most people.

 

 

As for taking responsibility for his child, he needs to man up. He should contact a lawyer about his parental rights, although staying away from that poor kid so he doesn't make the child's life worse is probably the best thing he can do. Nevertheless, he made this baby & even if the mother doesn't want him in the baby's life he had support obligations. Is he making payments to probation? Has he started an account in the kids' name? Is he doing anything other than shirking his responsibility? Of course not. And that is why he is not the fabulous wonderful BF you think he is.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

The girl who had his baby is out of state and not in contact with him for some reason...

 

Gee I wonder why.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers

What in the Hell?

 

I have poor boundaries, my marriage has been a trainwreck and to me this looks BAD BAD BAD.

 

OP, how in the world does he "treat you right?"

 

Like, how? Can you think of ten ways he treats you right that would in any way counteract the deal-breaking trying to put things in your butt every time you have to pick something up off the floor?

 

Like, WTF?

Unmedicated ADHD?

Come on. You've got nothing to even say "oh he's a really nice guy who will change."

(I'm not recommending that line of thought either.)

 

But at this point a steel-spiked dildo is looking like a better partner. At least it won't bitch about sex and you can stop it from ending up in your ass when you don't want it there!

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

He hasn't been with anyone in a year so I know he's not a complete ****.

Because he's slept with all the females in a ten mile radius. Or the women he hasn't screwed are smart enough to steer clear of him.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
aussietigerwolf

Whenever I've found someone telling me how crazy their ex is, later I've found out just who the crazy one actually was.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He's 18 you're 20 that's not a huge age gap and with the right person its very doable but for some in those precious years some mature a lot then and maybe he's not there yet.

 

From how he describes sex it sounds like he expected you to act like he rocked your world and when you didn't howl like his other girls (may of been even younger than you and over acted) that he might of been insulted and turned it all around on you.

 

Run away run away!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...