Boyfriend leaves

[JenniC]

Hi guys. I need some advice... My boyfriend and I live together. Whenever we argue, even about the smallest thing, he leaves the house and stays out for hours. I know where he is, doing work in a library, but it's reached a point now where it's really starting to get to me. Half an hour to an hour I can deal with, but lately it's been up to 4 or 5 hours and when he comes back he hasn't cooled off; he just expects an apology. For instance, a small disagreement about staying in our home city one extra day for the xmas holidays turned into him calling me names, getting dressed, and walking out. I don't get a chance to explain my reasoning, or why I want to do something; he just ups and leaves. I know that if he stayed for even an extra 10 minutes we'd have worked it all out, but he won't even stick around for that. The slightest thing, and I'm "being moody" or somehow seeking an argument. I'm not; he just talks over me and leaves. What do I do here?

[TaraMaiden]

He';s displaying classic passive-aggressive tendencies.

Look them up. And research how to NOT enable his behaviour....

[JenniC]

That's what I've thought for a long time. I always end up apologising and he somehow spins the argument in a way that it's me who has been wrong. Deep down, I know that it's not true. I've tried not enabling him, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I can agree, disagree, be calm, shout, talk, ignore him...anything. It still ends up like this. I don't want to leave him, but I need to get this sorted out before it ends up that way. I just don't know how. It's 10pm here and he's been out for an hour already. Sending nasty texts to me saying how that my behaviour is the one at fault, and accusing me of the things that he himself is doing.

[tlegend]

What have the arguments been about lately?

[Ruby Slippers]

I wouldn't be with a guy like that. How people cope with disagreements is deeply ingrained, springing primarily from how they dealt with conflict during the developmental years.

 

I'm also one who "runs away" to protect myself from harm, but I've matured to handle this tendency much better. Now when I'm at a point of impasse with my partner, I tell him I need some time to myself to think and let him know how much time that's going to be. When I'm ready to talk again, my emotions have settled and I'm much calmer, ready to talk and listen.

 

But it took me a LONG time and a lot of emotional work to get to this point. I used to behave like an injured child - I'd run away and completely ignore the guy until I was ready to talk again. Very childish. Sounds like your guy is still in that childish phase. These things can take a very long time and a lot of growing up to change.

 

So you either accept him as he is now, or not.

[TaraMaiden]

That's what I've thought for a long time. I always end up apologising and he somehow spins the argument in a way that it's me who has been wrong. Deep down, I know that it's not true. I've tried not enabling him, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I can agree, disagree, be calm, shout, talk, ignore him...anything. It still ends up like this. I don't want to leave him, but I need to get this sorted out before it ends up that way. I just don't know how. It's 10pm here and he's been out for an hour already. Sending nasty texts to me saying how that my behaviour is the one at fault, and accusing me of the things that he himself is doing.

So:

For how much longer are you prepared to tolerate this and put up with it?

Everything you've done, so far, isn't working.

 

Ask yourself why exactly you don't want to leave him?

What do you fear more: Staying with him and continuing to exist in this atmosphere for the foreseeable future, or leaving - and being able to breathe again, be your own master - but be alone?

[JenniC]

Thank you for the responses. I'll reply all in one.

 

The arguments have been about silly things. He thinks I'm always off - he got angry recently because I was getting nostalgic about my home town. Really small things spin out of control.

 

I've always known that he was like this, but it's gotten so much worse lately. He used to go out for maybe 15 minutes for his space, but now it's hours. He doesn't say how long he'll be, and he doesn't use it to cool off. It's like he gets worse when he's out. I totally get that we all work differently, I like to talk things through, and sometimes like 2 minutes alone to count to 10 and remind myself that the argument isn't worth the bother, but this behaviour is hurtful and starting to send me into depression. I feel like I can't open my mouth because nothing will get sorted - he'll just go out. We'd planned an evening in - curry, wine, film...and then this happens.

 

When we're fine, we're amazing. He fits every character trait I find important - he agrees with my politics, my view on women, he's funny, and kind. But then this happens. We have 3 years of a history together, and I can't bear the thought of it all being wasted. I so, desperately want to work through this. Being alone is okay for me, I don't mind it at all; I just hate the idea of losing what I thought was the one true relationship. I still love him; I can't even look at anyone else. I just don't know what to do.

[Ami1uwant]

Thank you for the responses. I'll reply all in one.

 

The arguments have been about silly things. He thinks I'm always off - he got angry recently because I was getting nostalgic about my home town. Really small things spin out of control.

 

I've always known that he was like this, but it's gotten so much worse lately. He used to go out for maybe 15 minutes for his space, but now it's hours. He doesn't say how long he'll be, and he doesn't use it to cool off. It's like he gets worse when he's out. I totally get that we all work differently, I like to talk things through, and sometimes like 2 minutes alone to count to 10 and remind myself that the argument isn't worth the bother, but this behaviour is hurtful and starting to send me into depression. I feel like I can't open my mouth because nothing will get sorted - he'll just go out. We'd planned an evening in - curry, wine, film...and then this happens.

 

When we're fine, we're amazing. He fits every character trait I find important - he agrees with my politics, my view on women, he's funny, and kind. But then this happens. We have 3 years of a history together, and I can't bear the thought of it all being wasted. I so, desperately want to work through this. Being alone is okay for me, I don't mind it at all; I just hate the idea of losing what I thought was the one true relationship. I still love him; I can't even look at anyone else. I just don't know what to do.

 

 

I need to understand the arguments a little more.

 

How much of this is you are always right or you are the one trying to take control of everything???

 

Sometimes this behavior is not passive-agreesive. Passive-agressive is you hold it in then burst it all at once.

 

He may be leaving because of conflict avoidance or he is just frustrated arguing the same stuff over and over with you that its better just to avoid the argument at this point.

 

You said you were nostalgic about your home time and this upset him---why???---did this also include the idea of you planning out yours and his next 10 yrs where you are planning to move back home where you may be perfectly fine in your career (nurse, teacher) but its utterly uselss in his career. It could be not as much about this conversation but the build up of you always talking about going back home. in the process of talking about this are you somehow taking jabs at what he loves or what he wants to do?

[JenniC]

Not at all, no. We're both here for the foreseeable future. What was odd was the fact that I was reminiscing about the things we always do when we think of my old city. Scenery, accent, the people... He just got angry.

 

Later on that evening he got angry because I don't like to rewatch horror films. He'd also downloaded a movie "just for posterity" (it's an old cult classic), with no mention that he wanted to watch it (he collects old bad movies and just stores them away, and never actually wants to watch them), and then because *furious* because I put on a film that we'd chosen together. He left at 11pm and came back at 3am.

 

I go out of my way to make everything equal. Even down to the way our books are placed on the shelf. I don't plan out his life for him; I've even moved to a new city for his work.

[ThatMan]

What was odd was the fact that I was reminiscing about the things we always do when we think of my old city. Scenery, accent, the people... He just got angry.

Angry about what?

Why was he angry?

 

Relationships are about support, he needs to support you, and you need his help to better understand his issues. Ask him questions. Communicate with him what you are going through and see where it goes from there.

[ExpatInItaly]

Not at all, no. We're both here for the foreseeable future. What was odd was the fact that I was reminiscing about the things we always do when we think of my old city. Scenery, accent, the people... He just got angry.

 

Later on that evening he got angry because I don't like to rewatch horror films. He'd also downloaded a movie "just for posterity" (it's an old cult classic), with no mention that he wanted to watch it (he collects old bad movies and just stores them away, and never actually wants to watch them), and then because *furious* because I put on a film that we'd chosen together. He left at 11pm and came back at 3am.

 

I go out of my way to make everything equal. Even down to the way our books are placed on the shelf. I don't plan out his life for him; I've even moved to a new city for his work.

 

Er, are you sure he's really at the library doing work at these hours? I'd say that isn't likely.

 

He's being emotionally abusive to you. I can understand the occasional blow-out followed by one partner leaving to cool down. It's crappy, but it happens. What your boyfriend is doing is far beyond that - he's settled into a pattern of picking fights over seemingly small things and then abandoning you. That is a huge warning sign. It is manipulative and inappropriate. He also clearly has some anger management problems. How long has this been going on?

[JenniC]

He said he was angry because I was somehow saying that I hated the new city. I wasn't; I was saying things that we both regularly say.

 

I know - I'd thought that it seems odd how long he's at the library...I've no evidence to the contrary, though, and he is a workaholic...but yes, you're right, it does seem weird. I can't prove otherwise, though. He got very upset when I mentioned that to him, and tried to pack his bags and leave.

 

It's been going on since we moved here; maybe 4 months. He used to do it before, but only for 30 minutes or so. The fights are worse, too. He seems to look for reasons to be angry with me. When we're not fighting, he's adamant that he's happy, loves me, and loves living with me. His behaviour in times like this says otherwise. He's been gone for almost two hours, now. No sign of him coming home soon, either. He says he leaves to "diffuse" the situation...but he's been causing the fights. I only want to talk. I've tried explaining that him leaving hurts me, but he just says that I'm not worth talking to when "I'm like this". I don't even know what he means by that.

[FitChick]

Tell him you want to go to couples counseling. If there is an impartial third party he might be more willing to listen.

 

You say you don't want to "waste three years" but how would you feel if you wasted five years and things hadn't changed? If he doesn't want to change his behavior to something more productive and you prefer the devil you know to the devil you don't know, then get used to this.

 

I think he wants out of the relationship and feels trapped but doesn't have the balls to walk out so is waiting for you to kick him out so he won't be the bad guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

He said he was angry because I was somehow saying that I hated the new city. I wasn't; I was saying things that we both regularly say.

 

I know - I'd thought that it seems odd how long he's at the library...I've no evidence to the contrary, though, and he is a workaholic...but yes, you're right, it does seem weird. I can't prove otherwise, though. He got very upset when I mentioned that to him, and tried to pack his bags and leave.

 

It's been going on since we moved here; maybe 4 months. He used to do it before, but only for 30 minutes or so. The fights are worse, too. He seems to look for reasons to be angry with me. When we're not fighting, he's adamant that he's happy, loves me, and loves living with me. His behaviour in times like this says otherwise. He's been gone for almost two hours, now. No sign of him coming home soon, either. He says he leaves to "diffuse" the situation...but he's been causing the fights. I only want to talk. I've tried explaining that him leaving hurts me, but he just says that I'm not worth talking to when "I'm like this". I don't even know what he means by that.

 

It seems weird because it just doesn't sound plausible. Every time he throws a tantrum, he goes to the library for hours on end? In the middle of the night? He seems to be searching for opportunities to escape and will pick fights with you to justify buggering off for hours. Either this guy has a mood/personality disorder, or he's hiding something big.

[FitChick]

He probably goes to a bar or strip club.

[TaraMaiden]

His behaviour is escalating, becoming more extreme and getting worse.

 

You are gradually falling into a spiral of depression.

 

If you do not end this, I will tell you precisely how this will pan out:

 

His behaviour will escalate and culminate in it being the norm; all the good times will fade into insignificance, and you will have extreme difficulty in being able to reconcile this -

 

When we're fine, we're amazing. He fits every character trait I find important - he agrees with my politics, my view on women, he's funny, and kind.

 

- With how desperately downtrodden, intimidated, subdued and subjugated he will make you feel.

 

He will eat away at your self-esteem, self-worth, dignity, integrity and general character, until you will become a shadow of your former self, and yet, you will still recognise and sorely miss the woman you once were.

 

These years have NOT been wasted; you have perceived how someone once 'wonderful, funny, charming and kind' can evolve into an uncompromising, vindictive, controlling bully.

 

Now you see the signs, learn from this now, before it's too late, and leave this relationship immediately.

 

I hate to disagree or contradict others who obviously have your best interests at heart, but I disagree with the counselling.

 

I can already hear his response to that.

 

And if you can too....

 

Then pack your bags and head home for Christmas.

[writergal]

He's not going to change, even with couples counseling. I've experienced this type of emotional abuse/control firsthand from my previous boyfriend and it's impossible to change. If I disagreed with him about anything, he'd first give me the silent treatment, then would disappear sometimes overnight, without telling me where he went. He did this to his previous girlfriend too. I only know this because she was still in his life after they broke up because they had a child together.

 

FYI: emotional abusers like my ex-boyfriend are manipulative and very charming and had we gone to couples counseling, he would have LIED with no problem to the counselor, to undermine me and make himself look like the victim. I can predict that your boyfriend will do the same thing if you drag him to couples counseling. He will paint you as the bully in the relationship, and himself as the victim, to win the sympathy of the counselor in hopes of discrediting you so that he can stay in control of you and the relationship.

 

I had to break up with him for my own sanity's sake because he is an irrational person and it sounds to me, like your boyfriend is the same way. I had no problem leaving him either, because I let him nearly destroy my self-esteem with his toxic behavior.

 

Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology

 

Emotional abusers are the most toxic kind of people to be romantically involved with.

 

You claim that you knew he was like this when you first met, and that his temper tantrums didn't bother you because they were short-lived, but now they last a lot longer. Why would you stay with someone who refuses to grow up? Who refuses to act like a rational person? You cannot justify staying with someone like that, unless you also have low self esteem and are afraid to be alone, on your own. The reason you're still with him, is because his emotional abuse of you has become normal for you. You are so used to it, you can't see that you're in a dysfunctional relationship that will only end when you leave him.

 

So what are you going to do? Stay with him and hope he calms down? Or are you going to be the rational person and leave, so that you can heal, and then find a man who doesn't run away because you watch a movie he doesn't like.

 

Stop making the same mistakes you have been for 3 years, which is that you enable his behavior by letting him get away with it. My guess is that you don't give him any consequences for his bad behavior, which is why he chooses to lie to you about "going to the library" for hours but then sends you nasty texts. And you do nothing in response to that, correct? (Arguing with him about his behavior is not an example of a consequence. And consequence isn't necessarily punishment. It's a boundary that you set, he knows is there, and he knows if he doesn't respect that boundary, you will take some kind of action as a consequence that negatively effects him.) By doing nothing, you enable him to repeat that behavior. The reward for you is that you get to feel like the victim, and in a sense, prove to your boyfriend that you're always right and he's always wrong. That you're the victim here and that he's the perpetrator. Or if not that, there is some reward, some payoff for you psychologically that you get by staying with this guy. He won't change. And you seem to refuse to accept that b/c you've put up with this for 3 years.

 

Abused No More - 7 Critical Mistakes That All Emotionally Abused Women Make

Edited December 21, 2013 by writergal

[spiderowl]

It sounds very controlling. By walking out, he is taking control and leaving you frustrated with an unresolved situation.

 

Is the guy on drugs? Why does he keep wanting to go out at all hours? Is he angry because he needs a fix?

 

If he's angry for no reason, he's an angry guy. If he's someone with deep-seated anger inside him, then anything you say is going to trigger it. He may walk off to prevent himself from hitting you. I know a guy who did that. He just walked off to gain control of himself. From what you say though, that isn't happening.

 

Something isn't right with this guy. It sounds like he is an angry guy and that this has little to do with you, but something in him. It also sounds like it's getting worse and he's blaming you for it. You are not to blame. You are in a relationship with a dysfunctional guy. Your self-esteem will suffer if you stay in this situation.

[bubbaganoosh]

The problem is he's used to you kissing his ass and now that he knows it he can turn the screws how ever tight he wants knowing that you'll do nothing.

 

Stop pandering to his tantrums. When he leaves the next time either lock the door so he can't get in or leave and stay with a friend for a couple days and don't answer his calls.

 

He's acting like a spoiled little boy who if he doesn't get his way, he takes his ball and goes home. The longer you let him get away with it the worse it will get.

 

Next time he pulls the same stunt and goes out the door, let him know that if he walks out, then don't come back and let him know in a way that he knows your serious. He's not going to break up with you.

[JenniC]

I wish that I'd taken all of this advice on board.

 

I did pack my bags and head home for Christmas. If only that had been one of many things I did. He cried at the train station. 8 months later...same routine, only worse.

 

I'll never ignore good advice again.