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Would like to hear your opinions of the following situation:

 

With a guy who wanted to take things slow due to past hurt. Everything is good, no arguments, clicking like crazy both mentally & physically but he says hes not ready to say hes committed 100% due to fear of rejection. The not committing 100% bit is fine as at 8 months, i agree its too early, we are still getting to know each other so i dont want to question him and make it an issue

 

i am interested in the 'fear of rejection' comment.

 

Does anyone else feel this way? How has it been overcome? should he, now he knows we are pretty compatible throw himself into it? at what stage will this click into trust and knowledge hes not going to be disposable to me? when everything is good, he is 'playing' at being 100% committed - like he toys with the idea and flirts with it, but the one time i have asked him exactly HOW committed he is, he said what i have written above.

 

i havent pushed it further, i am thinking that the flirting with commitment will become reality if there's nothing that brings the playing at commitment to a halt - am i right?

 

is fear of rejection a boy thing?

 

Thanks

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thanks for your reply - in respect of the 100% its exclusive (we always have been from day 1), but we've talked further, and digging deeper he says hes holding back from making future plans. he cant say 'forever' as he cant imagine 'forever', although he says im the 'one' and hes never been happier than he is now with me. but, he lives his life on a day to day basis and wont/cant look at the future. i had a bit of a moment and left at 6am because the conversation escalated and we both dug our heels in. at that stage. we had serious differences, but i thought about what hed said and decided that i was being unfair in that i should look at WHY i want that security, not 'what is the security i want'. I realised its because i have insecurities, its totally unfair of me to expect him to cover off my insecurities by offering me a guarantee of future hapiness that may well come unstuck - i kind of feel that at that particular moment you should think this is forever, but still realising things can change.

 

hes not ready to offer those things yet, after i left, i waited for a few hours then called him to apologise, and he said hed not slept with regretting to ask me to leave and hed felt empty and now id called he felt safe again. i explained that i wanted to dream a dream with him - to feel closer to him and to have an understanding of where we are going and that our dreams are compatible, which includes what we will do in the future, but that id compromise as i realised id been unreasonable. he said its something for us to work at in building the ideas of the future together.

 

what i dont understand is that as i said before, hes 'played' at this future, saying things like 'youre shaping up to be wife material' and 'you arent my wife.. yet' but i got gee'd up, asked where he thought it was going, and he said he hadnt thought of it, so why make these comments?? and frequently too!!

 

when he says this stuff, should i say 'dont say things like that unless you mean them'? or is that making a bigger issue of it? if i dont react if he says things like that, he'll feel undervalued, but it seems if i take them seriously, we arent quite there to be able to do anything other than him tease me with it. is this how men prepare themselves for a bigger future?

 

i wonder if the fear of rejection thing he said was a red herring now, but for the time being, until hes fully engaged with the idea of 'forever', its too much of a risk to bring this up again, so i dont feel i can be 100% honest at the moment, its like one of those dating game situations. i am starting to wonder if there are the right way to go, as ive never had this lovely and functional a relationship - nothing is wrong, although i am now realising that i may disengage if we dont dream dreams together - if im not sure we are going in the same direction, i want to prevent that before it happens. at this stage, when i said that may happen, hes prepared to give us up even though it will hurt him immensely as hes just not ready for anything other than 'this is great here and now'. i cant push before hes ready to be pushed. but i am not prepared to give this up, so i have to make the concession without resentment

 

Guys - when you have gradually realised that you want to be 'forever', how have you realised? has it been gradual? or was it a bolt from the blue? why say things like 'when we get married' if its not 100% meant at that time?

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... but I don't think this sounds very good.

 

I wonder if you're dating an ex-boyfriend of mine -- you're in the UK, right? Ha ha, just kidding, although what you've described does sound remarkably like this ex, who is British and returned there about a year ago after working overseas. What I'm about to say is based on my experience with him.

 

he cant say 'forever' as he cant imagine 'forever', although he says im the 'one' and hes never been happier than he is now with me. but, he lives his life on a day to day basis and wont/cant look at the future.

 

Translation: He's only thinking about what's good for him right now. He wants to keep seeing you, he wants things to continue on as they are because it's convenient for him and fulfills his immediate needs. He's not capable of actively and honestly thinking about the future, because that would require him to face things in his past and present that he's blinded himself to. He's perhaps hoping that if the two of you just float along, unquestioningly, the future will sort itself out somehow. I used to hear such lines from the ex I've referenced.

 

i thought about what hed said and decided that i was being unfair in that i should look at WHY i want that security, not 'what is the security i want'.

 

Your words remind me of the way I had to deny huge, important parts of myself in order to maintain the relationship with this particular ex. You say that you want security, and you've decided you need to examine/question just why it is you want that security (security = marriage? a committed life together even if not legally sanctioned on paper? children?). Why must you question your need for that? Some things actually are no-brainers. Most people, once they stop being adolescents, want to have security in their relationships. Most people want to know that the person they're laughing with and loving today is the person they'll be laughing and loving and working with in six months. Sure, there are no guarantees. Disasters big and small can wreck even the strongest and most promising of relationships. When people want security, they want to know that a)right now their partner thinks that being with them is a priority and will continue to be a priority, and b) their partner is sufficiently self-aware and mature to know themselves to a reasonable extent, and to behave responsibly enough to be reasonably sure that they can take care of their priorities; i.e. one's partner isn't kidding himself about whether or not he loves you, or why, and he's got his act together enough to make the relationship work even through the changes life inevitably brings.

 

Security doesn't mean bad things won't happen. Security doesn't mean people won't make mistakes. Security simply means you know you can trust and rely upon your partner, that you dont' have to wake up every day questioning the relationship, that you're not constantly walking on eggshells because you're not really sure where you really stand with your partner. Security means you'd be genuinely surprised to discover that your partner doesn't value the relationship to the same extent that you do. In the course of a long-term, committed relationship, feelings of security might wax and wane -- just read any of the posts from married folks here. But you've only been seeing this guy for eight months, if he isn't able to give you confidence in him now, what makes you think he ever will? If you doubt whether your boyfriend really values the relationship as you do, then you definitely do not have security. If that is indeed the case the question I would put to you is, why are you cultivating a relationship where you don't have security?

 

hes 'played' at this future, saying things like 'youre shaping up to be wife material' and 'you arent my wife.. yet' but i got gee'd up, asked where he thought it was going, and he said he hadnt thought of it, so why make these comments?? and frequently too!!

 

Ah yes, this sounds familiar. Sounds like someone who likes the idea of being married, who sees his friends getting married and wants to be like them -- but who isn't really able to take on the concept in a meaningful way. Words and nothing but words -- I wouldn't put much stock in them.

 

I remember, years ago, when I'd been seeing the ex in question for about a year, I ran into one of his ex girlfriends, the most recent before he'd started seeing me. She was a rather strange woman, and at the time I suspected she still had feelings for him, but I tried to be friendly towards her. I remember she asked about what he was up to, and said something to the effect of "what's XX's plan of the moment -- you know he's always convinced he's going to do something but the only thing you can count on with him is that he'll change his mind." I thought it was a nasty remark from a bitter woman, but in hindsight she was dead on. Some people talk a good talk, in a way that certainly suggests that they want certain things, even if they haven't quite figured out how to get them. But note whether it's all talk -- and pay attention to how they're talking about it.

 

Your boyfriend is talking in vague generalities and cliches (sorry but was "wife material" said ironically?) about marriage. That's not how someone who's genuinely thinking seriously along those lines talks about marriage, is it? Not in my experience. It sounds to me like he's just toying with ideas, with daydreams -- not something he's really thinking is going to happen.

 

Going back to your first post, here is the thing that I think is the biggest red flag:

he says hes not ready to say hes committed 100% due to fear of rejection.

 

OK, what's going on there? Fear of being rejected by whom -- by you? He has no reason to fear that, does he? So whence the fear? Was he rejected by another woman? I think it's alarming that he's either got some generalized phobia regarding intimacy & commitment, or he's not able to differentiate between you, his current girlfriend, and someone else who hurt him in the past. Isn't that weird?

 

Believe me, I can understand all too well what it's like to feel like you're with a terrific, interesting, warm & caring guy who's got these vague problems that seem to threaten the relationship. It might seem fixable, but it really sounds to me like your boyfriend has a lot of issues whose resolution is nowhere in sight -- and won't come about because you've sacrificed and helped him. Fear of rejection? What's that about? You need to question why you want to have security in a long-term relationship? Um... why is a need for security such a strange thing? I'm afraid that the answers to your dilemma will probably come from asking other questions, like: what is it about this guy in particular that makes it all right for you to relinquish some of your basic needs (like security)? Why are you having to question yourself, your thoughts and needs, to justify being with this man?

 

Good luck. Maybe I'm way off-base about your boyfriend, and if so I wish you all the best and hope you and he can work things out. But your posts sounded soooo familiar to things I went through, and if they are indeed similar I advise you to extricate yourself as soon as possible.

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Thanks so much for your reply – I really appreciate the time & thought you put into that. There were a few things in there that put the heebie jeebies up me, and a few I am hoping wont sound like your ex.

 

In the first few months, hed said he didn’t feel the need to see me all the time, hed not call for a couple of days, id tried hard not to take offence and consequently brightly agreed I didnt want that either. Within a month or so, we were seeing each other every day, and he was saying hed happily spend all his time with me – that’s not changed since then either. Hed also say that his friends were more important, then it developed that hed offer to cancel his friends for me, although ive always got on very well with them and we all go out together. But the offer is there. He texts his friends and says he’s having a romantic night in with me, not going to the pub. 1 of his friends told me last week he has no interest in other women at all, I was told he doesn’t look and ignores it when some of his friends point out pretty girls in the street etc, but I knew that anyway.

 

When I questioned him about the future, he says he’s not ready for that yet. I stress the ‘yet’. He’s made comments such as ‘should we know each other that well yet?’ I hope this is due to his cautious nature in that he certainly took things slow to start with, and its certainly gained momentum, my hope is that the rest will follow naturally and just isnt ready to be forced yet. You should take things as slow as the slower partner wants, as opposed to as fast as the faster partner wants. This is my best case senario obviously - am i kidding myself? dont yet know.

 

‘Translation: He's only thinking about what's good for him right now. He wants to keep seeing you, he wants things to continue on as they are because it's convenient for him and fulfills his immediate needs. He's not capable of actively and honestly thinking about the future, because that would require him to face things in his past and present that he's blinded himself to. He's perhaps hoping that if the two of you just float along, unquestioningly, the future will sort itself out somehow.’

 

I agree. But I don’t know if there’s anything wrong with that is there? Don’t we all do that to a certain extent? You aren’t with someone because they want you to be there, you are there because you want to be there. If its not ‘good for him right now’, doesn’t that lead to resentment? If I forced the issue, he’d never be happy, and I’d never feel happy after forcing my corner. The part I am still thinking about is, when do I start to feel resentful that he cant say ‘forever’? Do I put a time limit on it? I decided against that because I don’t know how ill feel at any given point in the future. If i start resenting him, thats when i have to get out, but i have to admit, i'll be fed up if i waste time and it turns out hes like your ex all along. (Althought my instinct is he isnt.)

 

‘Your words remind me of the way I had to deny huge, important parts of myself in order to maintain the relationship with this particular ex.’

 

I do feel I am denying myself something, but at the same time, I think maybe what I am denying isn’t worth keeping hold of. I am in 2 minds on this, if he cant give me ‘security’, then why stay with him? Should him not saying ‘this is forever’ deny me a wonderful relationship? Which in every other way I am happy? Which is more important to me? If we were arguing, unhappy, if he was selfish, inconsiderate, whatever, but he isnt, I adore him, he adores me – so isnt knowing this is forever the next step, one in which he is slightly slower to take than me?

 

‘Security simply means you know you can trust and rely upon your partner, that you dont' have to wake up every day questioning the relationship, that you're not constantly walking on eggshells because you're not really sure where you really stand with your partner.’

 

I KNOW he loves me, I know it. I know there’s something really special there, I am not questioning that. And the fact we seem to be right together, despite his refusal to say ‘forever’ means I am not questioning his love for me. And he’s said he wants to work on the building a dream together. We are going travelling together to South America at Christmas, he WILL make concrete plans, he keeps bringing it up. I think that’s its his concession to as far as he can build dreams just yet as he’s making a point of talking about where we are going and how excited he is about the trip. I hope I don’t still sound like you with your ex. If I do, I do, damnit.

 

‘but who isn't really able to take on the concept of marriage in a meaningful way. Words and nothing but words -- I wouldn't put much stock in them.’

 

Agreed.

 

"what's XX's plan of the moment -- you know he's always convinced he's going to do something but the only thing you can count on with him is that he'll change his mind."

 

This was interesting, when I read that, I thought it does sound like him, but then I realised, it actually sounds more like me than him, he’s a lot more focussed and reliable in many ways than me. Not sure what that actually means though.

 

‘sorry but was "wife material" said ironically?’ – yes, it was said ironically.

 

‘Was he rejected by another woman?’ – yes, he was. His ex broke his heart. He told me after we first met that he knew straight away I was ‘the one’, but he wanted to wait until he was sure I was interested before be became involved, and this feels like an extension of that. I don’t really know what happened with his ex as I haven’t asked. I feel he just needs more time. I hope someone else can give me a positive experience along these lines, surely its not too unusual for this situation to come good? I don’t think he cant separate me & his ex, I think he just wants to be sure, hes cautious, but in every other way he seems to be letting go more and more, but the verbal affirmation is the final step which hes holding back on for now.

 

Of course I don’t know I am right, and my unease is creeping back, but I don’t yet know if I am creating that, or if I should feel uneasy. Everything else feels spot on, if I talk about an issue, it makes it more of an issue. Now I feel I have issues. I don’t really I was just amusing myself.

 

Does this still sound like you and your ex? What made you finally get out of it? What did you do to force a conclusion and how did it go wrong?

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I'm glad (or sorry?) that what I've had to say has been useful to you. Before I respond to the points you raise, I'd just like to say that above all, keep in mind that for some reason this relationship has sent you to an anonymous discussion board. Hey, not to worry, there's nothing wrong with that. I've been here for a while, not always with this screenname. I've had issues with previous relationships that made me need to seek advice too. You're obviously an intelligent person, are you generally level-headed and not prone to irrational fears? If so, I think it's worth noting that your current relationship has got you asking questions that you don't feel youi can raise with your boyfriend -- that's not something to dismiss lightly.

 

Anyway...

 

Originally posted by Gnato

 

In the first few months, hed said he didn’t feel the need to see me all the time, hed not call for a couple of days, id tried hard not to take offence and consequently brightly agreed I didnt want that either. Within a month or so, we were seeing each other every day, and he was saying hed happily spend all his time with me – that’s not changed since then either. Hed also say that his friends were more important, then it developed that hed offer to cancel his friends for me, although ive always got on very well with them and we all go out together. But the offer is there. He texts his friends and says he’s having a romantic night in with me, not going to the pub. 1 of his friends told me last week he has no interest in other women at all, I was told he doesn’t look and ignores it when some of his friends point out pretty girls in the street etc, but I knew that anyway.

 

Sounds very familiar to me. This ex was stand-offish for a while and then became adoring, protective, told all his friends about how he had eyes for no other woman. I think that was true at the time.

 

When I questioned him about the future, he says he’s not ready for that yet. I stress the ‘yet’. He’s made comments such as ‘should we know each other that well yet?’ I hope this is due to his cautious nature in that he certainly took things slow to start with, and its certainly gained momentum, my hope is that the rest will follow naturally and just isnt ready to be forced yet. You should take things as slow as the slower partner wants, as opposed to as fast as the faster partner wants. This is my best case senario obviously - am i kidding myself? dont yet know.

 

I agree with your attitude about who should set the pace. But I think it might help you to look at the situation from more than one angle. What do you know of his history? This ex who broke his heart -- I'll return to that in a moment -- did he quickly decide after meeting her that he wanted to be with her forever? Is this hesitation with you a reaction to what he experienced with her?

 

We'd been together for a year before the ex I've been talking about told me he loved me. I'd said it to him, and while I hadnt' wanted him to say it back out of obligation, I was of course secretly hurt that he didn't. When he finally said the words he told me that he'd known he loved me for a long time, but had hesitated to say it because he'd said it too soon to his previous girlfriend, and then realized that he hadn't meant it, so she was very hurt when he broke up with her. He hadn't wanted to make the same mistake with me, even though his feelings for me were so strong. He'd talked to his friends about how he felt about me, and his friends told him he was mad for not speaking up sooner. That should have been a huge warning flag for me, but it wasn't, it seemed reasonable at the time (because I wanted to believe in him, and it seemed at odds with what he clearly felt for me). BUT: if he couldn't tell the difference between me and his previous girlfriend, and if he couldn't tell the difference between how he felt about me and what he'd felt for her, then he didn't have a clue about his own heart. On some level I knew this. I had nagging doubts but never allowed myself to articulate them.

 

‘Translation: He's only thinking about what's good for him right now. He wants to keep seeing you, he wants things to continue on as they are because it's convenient for him and fulfills his immediate needs. He's not capable of actively and honestly thinking about the future, because that would require him to face things in his past and present that he's blinded himself to. He's perhaps hoping that if the two of you just float along, unquestioningly, the future will sort itself out somehow.’

 

I agree. But I don’t know if there’s anything wrong with that is there? Don’t we all do that to a certain extent? You aren’t with someone because they want you to be there, you are there because you want to be there. If its not ‘good for him right now’, doesn’t that lead to resentment? If I forced the issue, he’d never be happy, and I’d never feel happy after forcing my corner. The part I am still thinking about is, when do I start to feel resentful that he cant say ‘forever’? Do I put a time limit on it? I decided against that because I don’t know how ill feel at any given point in the future. If i start resenting him, thats when i have to get out, but i have to admit, i'll be fed up if i waste time and it turns out hes like your ex all along. (Althought my instinct is he isnt.)

 

Right, no one is in a relationship simply for the other person's sake. But a mature, healthy relationship is one in which each partner is willingly engaged in thinking about whether the other person's needs are being met, just as their own needs are being met, in the relationship. If you value a relationship with another person -- friend, sister, or lover -- because it gives you things that you need and value, the relationship itself, and therefore the other person him/herself, becomes a priority. If all of your needs are being met at the expense of your lover's needs, that's not a good sign. How can the relationship last that way? You're thinking about him and what he needs -- he needs understanding, he needs more time. But is he thinking about your needs? If the only way to maintain the relationship is to make certain topics taboo, e.g., "let's not talk about the future," something is wrong, don't you think?

 

You ask: doesn't that lead to resentment? Yes, it does. If you keep going along with this guy, biting your tongue and hoping for the best, how long before your own resentment overwhelms you? I think it's interesting that you, fearing possible resentment in the relationship, have allowed his wishes to negate your own (for the time being, at least). You're worried about his resentment -- but what about yours?

 

I do feel I am denying myself something, but at the same time, I think maybe what I am denying isn’t worth keeping hold of. I am in 2 minds on this, if he cant give me ‘security’, then why stay with him? Should him not saying ‘this is forever’ deny me a wonderful relationship? Which in every other way I am happy? Which is more important to me? If we were arguing, unhappy, if he was selfish, inconsiderate, whatever, but he isnt, I adore him, he adores me – so isnt knowing this is forever the next step, one in which he is slightly slower to take than me?

 

I KNOW he loves me, I know it. I know there’s something really special there, I am not questioning that. And the fact we seem to be right together, despite his refusal to say ‘forever’ means I am not questioning his love for me. And he’s said he wants to work on the building a dream together. We are going travelling together to South America at Christmas, he WILL make concrete plans, he keeps bringing it up. I think that’s its his concession to as far as he can build dreams just yet as he’s making a point of talking about where we are going and how excited he is about the trip. I hope I don’t still sound like you with your ex. If I do, I do, damnit.

 

Well, yes, it still sounds remarkably like my ex. But so what? You're not me, and chances are your boyfriend is not my ex (I rather hope for your sake he isn't because, well, yikes). I think in the two separate paragraphs above you're revealing the essence of your situation: you do not like where you are right now with your boyfriend, where the future is uncertain. You are ready to think about the future; he isn't. Maybe the two of you are at different phases of your lives, or maybe you're just fundamentally different in that regard. At any rate, you're not content at the moment, but you're willing to accept the current state of affairs because you're hoping that he will change. Boy does that sound familiar! And I think the conventional wisdom, cliched though it may be, is that women often fall in love not with the man they are presently with, but with the man they would like him to become.

 

What if he never comes around? What if it's always just talk?

 

I really thought my ex wanted to be with me forever. He did a lot of things that strongly suggested that he did: took me on trips half-way around the world, introduced me to his friends, to his dad, to his ailing mother. Lavished presents on me. Left little notes strewn around my apartment telling me that he loved me. Lots of romantic gestures. He was great one for gestures. Who does that kind of thing if they don't mean it? Well ....

 

‘Was he rejected by another woman?’ – yes, he was. His ex broke his heart. He told me after we first met that he knew straight away I was ‘the one’, but he wanted to wait until he was sure I was interested before be became involved, and this feels like an extension of that. I don’t really know what happened with his ex as I haven’t asked. I feel he just needs more time. I hope someone else can give me a positive experience along these lines, surely its not too unusual for this situation to come good? I don’t think he cant separate me & his ex, I think he just wants to be sure, hes cautious, but in every other way he seems to be letting go more and more, but the verbal affirmation is the final step which hes holding back on for now.

 

Hm. And how long had it been since they broke up when you met him? How long had they been together? Were you the first person he got involved with after the break-up?

 

Of course I don’t know I am right, and my unease is creeping back, but I don’t yet know if I am creating that, or if I should feel uneasy. Everything else feels spot on, if I talk about an issue, it makes it more of an issue. Now I feel I have issues. I don’t really I was just amusing myself.

 

That's not good. Surely you see that? Why can't you say, "hey you know this has been on my mind lately, tell me what you think: ....?" If you're having to censor yourself, hold back about worries you have and tiptoe around him because he "needs more time," what kind of relationship do you have with him?

 

Does this still sound like you and your ex? What made you finally get out of it? What did you do to force a conclusion and how did it go wrong?

 

Well, yes. It does, unfortunately, still sound a lot like my ex. But that's just my take on it. He broke up with me after I ceased to be convenient for him, when I opted to take a career opportunity that would have extended our separation (we were in a long-distance relationship, because of his work).

 

Ask yourself this: besides the wonderful chemistry the two of you share, and the genuine affection, etc., what are the other reasons he has for being with you? What are the other reasons you have for being with him? Do you give him access to things that he's interested in, and vice-versa? There are dozens of reasons besides emotional intimacy that people have for valuing a relationship -- nothing wrong with that. I'm not suggesting that having "other" reasons for wanting a relationship to work makes the relationship less real or meaningful or promising. Everyone has multiple reasons for choosing their partner. But look and see what those other reasons are -- your other reasons, and his. They're there. And that might help you get some perspective on the situation.

 

Also, what's his family background? Did his parents have a healthy marriage? That may well inform how he views marriage.

 

Good luck. I'm sorry if I seem to be saying that your relationship is doomed because it reminds me of one of mine that wasn't good. That's not necessarily true at all, especially if you confront the issues you're struggling with instead of crossing your fingers and hoping for the best. With the ex I've spoken of, I learned all my lessons in hindsight, through heartbreak. I didn't address the issues that I knew in my heart were there. I rationalized everything so that staying with him and accepting the limitations that being with him placed on me, was justified. Perhaps if I hadn't just hoped for the best but had instead been more assertive about what I wanted (note: assertive, not aggressive or threatening), things would have been different. Actually, with that ex, I doubt it. But I could see how it would make all the difference in other circumstances.

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Wow, Gnato your situation is something I could have posted about three or four months ago, almost word for word! And Murasaki I think your advice is very good. If someone is carrying issues from their previous relationship into their relationship with you you can bet that they haven't got everything straightened out from the previous relationship.

 

About a year ago I met Tre at a friend's party and we hit it off right away. It was just one of those easy things where you wonder why you didn't know this person for years because it seems like you have known them for ages. When we were together I never for a second doubted how he felt about me. After we'd been dating for like a month or so he told me that he was falling in love with me. That was so powerful that he said "I'm falling in love with you." Not just that he loved me. It meant more like he was conscious of what was happening and he wanted it to happen. But there were some trouble signs too looking back. He met my friends and all but he didn't really get to know them. My best friend said it was like he couldn't be bothered. Not that he was rude just that he was busy. I don't know. But there were other things like that that seemed to go against what I felt when he and I were together. It was perfect we enjoyed each others company so much. If I may say so the sex was really good. But he'd hold back sometimes pull away from me and when I tried to talk to him about it he said he was afraid of getting too close and afraid of getting hurt because his last girlfriend had broken his heart. She was transferred to another city for work right after they broke up.

 

I wasn't worried about her because she was far away and my boyfriend didn't love her anymore. It was obvious he loved me. But he was getting distant more often and I just felt uneasy. Then he told me that his ex girlfriend was moving back to our city. Things went downhill from there. He wasn't so affectionate with me and he sometimes was very restless. Sometimes though he'd be very passionate with me. But he never wanted to talk about what was wrong. Then two months ago he broke up with me and told me he didnt' know what he wanted. He said on the one hand he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me but at the same time he knew he couldn't do it right now. He said he just needed some time. I was shocked and devastated but I thought I could give him some time. So we ended things. He would still email me almost every day, little things. We talked on the phone sometimes. I thought he just needed some space. But I found out last month that he was seeing his ex the one who broke his heart. When I tried to talk to him about it he got nasty with me and told me that he's not cheating on me since we're not together anymore so I shouldn't be trying to keep tabs on him.

 

I've stopped emailing him. He sends me little emails sometimes but I just can't bear to read them. I think that basically I was just a placeholder for him until his ex came back. Anyway I've learned not to get involved with someone who brings their baggage into their relationship with you and leaves it there, unpacked, for the two of you to trip over. I feel really used and I don't think I ever want to lay eyes on him again.

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