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Heartbroken dating a commitment phobe


loveacp

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Hello~

 

I have been dating a guy who is commitment phobic for the past 20 mths. I have never fell so hard for a guy before. He and I have amazing chemistry and always have a great time when we are together.

 

For 20 mths I have been understanding, agreeable, non-nagging, loving woman. He told me 8 mths into our relationship that he was commitment phobic and dont ever see himself getting married. He was frank that he had an issue and it stemmed from his parents relationship (ie.his mom is verrrry domineering!!). I was unhappy with this since when he first started to pursue me he convinced me that I was the perfect girl and he would never get sick of me and also talked about our future together.

 

Since then we broke up last November and after he made the initial attempt to reach out to me we have been in my terms a "relationship" since New Years of this year. There are some days he wants to spend time w me everyday than pulls back for a week. When we r together hes sweet caring loving and dotes on me but the moment I bring up the matter of defining our relationship he stresses out and wants to stop seeing me.. mind u he calls and we get back together. Le sigh~~

 

Most recently before he took a 1 mth vacation overseas I had a heart to heart conversation explaining that I needed a commitment because I could not continue our relationship not knowing if he was 100% vested. He agreed to think things through during the trip and we would talk when he got back. While he was on vacation he called and texted me everyday.. He told me by email that he loved me (first time he ever said I love you bcuz according to him hes saving it for his wife if and ever he gets married), he coudlnt wait to see me and missed me.. he invited me to meet his family for Thanksgiving!! I was just completely thrilled since I thought he finally realized how wonderful I was.. boy was I wrong!!

 

From the day I picked him up from the airport I didnt feel a any of the passion he so.lovingly expressed while he was away. He started to pull back, appeared stressed out etc.. I could tell he no longer wanted me to meet his family.. I went anyways but he was quiet to and from the dinner...

 

I was so hurt and engraged by his actions I told him I was upset for treating me as if I was insignificant in his life after he professed his love for me and made promises that "things would change/not be the same when he got back". His excuse was "reality of our relationship hit him" That he felt suffocated spending so much time w me and this is not what he originally planned. I gave him my 2 cents and stormed out of his apt.

 

5 days later I received a heartfelt apologetic email but even his email was confusing. He was deeply sorry than used past tenses saying he will always remember how wonderful I was than his last paragraph asking that I forgive him.. ummm~~ wth?

 

I agreed to meet up w him thinking that he was going to beg for my forgivness.. he started our conversation inviting me to a few outings.. than he basically gave me the old im not a relationship guy afraid of commitment bs.. then we ended up having a drunken blast slept at his place. He had to leave for work in the morning so I texted him that I was going home and he replied back asking me to stay until he got back home. We were back to going out to lunch spending time with one another as if nothing happened..

 

Im so confused!!! I love him to death and not ready to let him go. Are there any advices on how to deal with a major commitment phobic man? Im not looking for marriage just a commitment as bf and gf. The anxiety is overpowering me and its starting to affect my daily life.

 

Thank you and sorry for the long post! Oh and pls dismisss all grammatical errors :p

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I think he is pretty clear about what he wants... if he had to change he would have...

So now it's up to you whether u want to stick to a commitment less relationship...

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Girl, I want to shake you. Wake up!

 

This guy doesn't care about your feelings -- how you feel about him and the relationship clearly do not matter to him. Do you really want to waste your life on someone like this? WHy are you even trying to figure him out? Isn't it clear? You can't and won't change him. Trust me. I played this game for a year and took my ex back 4 times after he broke up with me then came running back to me. Not only did he not want to marry me eventually , he also actually cheated on me. And he did all the future-faking which your guy also did with you. In my case, though, he didn't confess to being a commitment-phobe. If I were you, I'd count my blessings and move away from this before it's too late. Or better yet, RUN away. Run as fast as you can.

 

Sorry, but no, you won't get him to commit to you -- he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I can understand fear of marriage, but if he can't even commit to you by considering himself your boyfriend, then he is basically asking you to be his friend with benefits, and giving himself the green light to screw other chicks. If you don't want to end up with more heartbreak, or worse, an STD, leave this guy and let him figure out his own life and find someone else to be his f*ckbuddy. He wants the benefits of a relationship but not its responsibilities. And you want to give him that? The guy made his intentions clear. Listen to him and act accordingly. There is nothing to be confused about. The only thing I'd be confused about is why I stayed that long with a commitmentphobe who made it clear he didn't give a sh*t about me, what I wanted, etc. He's just a guy. He's not god's gift to womankind,or to you. When you remember that, and the fact that this guy you're pining over doesn't give 2 sh*ts about you, you will realize how silly you were to even love this man. You can only love someone who respects you, unless of course you do not respect yourself and don't think you're worthy of love. I'd leave him and work on my self-esteem/issues, if I were you. Clearly, there's something wrong with those of us who are willing to put up with this sort of nonsense / drama despite the fact that we hate it and it tortures us.

Edited by NoMoreJerks
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Girl, I want to shake you. Wake up!

 

This guy doesn't care about your feelings -- how you feel about him and the relationship clearly do not matter to him. Do you really want to waste your life on someone like this? WHy are you even trying to figure him out? Isn't it clear? You can't and won't change him. Trust me. I played this game for a year and took my ex back 4 times after he broke up with me then came running back to me. Not only did he not want to marry me eventually , he also actually cheated on me. And he did all the future-faking which your guy also did with you. In my case, though, he didn't confess to being a commitment-phobe. If I were you, I'd count my blessings and move away from this before it's too late. Or better yet, RUN away. Run as fast as you can.

 

Sorry, but no, you won't get him to commit to you -- he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I can understand fear of marriage, but if he can't even commit to you by considering himself your boyfriend, then he is basically asking you to be his friend with benefits, and giving himself the green light to screw other chicks. If you don't want to end up with more heartbreak, or worse, an STD, leave this guy and let him figure out his own life and find someone else to be his f*ckbuddy. He wants the benefits of a relationship but not its responsibilities. And you want to give him that? The guy made his intentions clear. Listen to him and act accordingly. There is nothing to be confused about. The only thing I'd be confused about is why I stayed that long with a commitmentphobe who made it clear he didn't give a sh*t about me, what I wanted, etc. He's just a guy. He's not god's gift to womankind,or to you. When you remember that, and the fact that this guy you're pining over doesn't give 2 sh*ts about you, you will realize how silly you were to even love this man. You can only love someone who respects you, unless of course you do not respect yourself and don't think you're worthy of love. I'd leave him and work on my self-esteem/issues, if I were you. Clearly, there's something wrong with those of us who are willing to put up with this sort of nonsense / drama despite the fact that we hate it and it tortures us.

 

OP, print out NoMoreJerks response and READ it until it's seared into your mind. This guy is never going to change. He's a cake-eater. He's keeping you around because he wants you as a placeholder - someone he can get ego strokes from and have regular sex with until someone new and exciting comes along. This whole 'i'm not one for commitment' bs is him saying 'look, I've told you I'm a man*****, so if I screw around you've got no reason to be upset because I was honest with you!' is that how it's gonna go down? Because I guarantee that's the card he'll pull on you when he inevitably breaks your heart.

 

There's nowhere else to take this....whatever it is, not unless you're willing to debase yourself and put up with breadcrumbs off this jerk. We've all been there hunny, and when we put up with this crap it's usually an indication that we're not giving ourselves the love and respect we deserve.

 

Cut him loose. Go NC. Let him carry on his merry little way. He'll wake up one day in his 50s as that creepy dude down at the bar who hits on every chick in a 10 foot radius, and maybe in his lonely hours he'll realise what he lost in letting you go, but that ain't your problem. Put this mess to bed, start loving yourself, and find someone who deserves you!

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Either accept him as is, or leave. You can't change a man, so stop trying.

 

Absolutely true. Especially men they are who they are. This seems to happen all the time. But you can not change something that does not want to change. It seems to happen mostly with women trying to change men but can happen the other way as well. You have to learn to accept people for who they are otherwise move on. In any relationship you have with anyone in life.

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